As human beings, we all want love and companionship in our lives. It’s a basic human need, right up there with the needs for food, water and shelter. When we are lacking an intimate relationship, most of us try to fill the empty space. That leads to dating.
Here is what you need to know about dating and predators.
1. Evil exists.
What the evil is called—psychopath, sociopath, antisocial personality disorder, narcissist—really doesn’t matter. There are evil people out there, and they can be found in all segments of society—rich, poor, male, female, all races, all religions, all communities. They look like everyone else, but they are predators.
2. If you are dating, you are a target.
As an unattached person, you’re probably feeling a bit lonely—that’s why you’re looking for dates. This is natural and understandable. What you need to realize is that predators specialize in targeting lonely people. They know exactly how to find this vulnerability and exploit it by seeming to take the loneliness away. They shower you with attention, flatter you and promise you a lifetime of happiness—exactly what you’re looking for.
3. Meeting people on the Internet is extremely dangerous.
Yes, there are normal people on dating sites. But there are also predators, and communicating via the computer you do not have the tools you need to spot them. Most of the true meaning of conversation comes from nonverbal cues—voice, facial expression and body language. None of that is available in an e-mail. So what do you do? You fill in the missing pieces with your imagination, and the person becomes what you want him or her to be. You fall in love with a fantasy. For more information, see Internet Threat and Online Seduction on Lovefraud.com.
4. Predators are often charming.
If you meet someone who is glib, charismatic and has a quick answer to every question, be aware that these traits may indicate excellent social skills—or a psychopath. Pay close attention to what is actually being said. Are there gaps or inconsistencies? Is the person evasive? Does the person change plans or break promises—and always has an excuse? If you’re nodding your head, proceed with caution. For more information, see Key Symptoms on Lovefraud.com.
5. Watch for the pity play.
According to Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, the best clue that you are dealing with a sociopath is an appeal to your sympathy. If you’re dealing with someone who tries to make you feel sorry for him or her, blaming other people or “the system” for his or her problems, consider it a warning that the person may be a sociopath. For more information, see The Pity Play on Lovefraud.com.
6. Predators are often great in bed.
Many people who were involved with sociopaths have told Lovefraud that the sex was amazing. Sociopaths are often skilled lovers for two reasons: First, with an excessive need for stimulation, they are hard-wired for sex. Second, they get a lot of practice, often with anyone who comes along. In reality, sociopaths want only two things: sex and power. They do not feel love.
7. Do not ignore red flags.
Maybe something seems wrong but you can’t put your finger on it. Perhaps there’s a nagging feeling in your gut. Pay attention. Do not let him or her explain away your doubts. Do not tell yourself he or she has gotten a raw deal and your love is the solution. To avoid becoming the victim of a predator, your instincts are your best defense.
Sky, I think therapy would also be a good place for him to spend his money, I actually spent quite a bit on therapy for both my kids after my divorce and the abandonment by my husband and his family…C isn’t a psychopath, he is just extremely immature and I actually think that therapy might help him, but he would have to see the need for it, and he doesn’t. He uses his addiction to his on line games as a distraction from the real world, and his real world is not really all that great in my opinion, so I think the games are like an “addiction” because they do give him a “high” and an adrenaline rush just like drugs or booze would. He will always spend all his available funds for upgrades to his computers and purchasing games etc. and not accumulate any “rainy day funds,” any financial security of any kind. Not because he can’t, but because he won’t. Of course he is not by himself in that situation, lots of folks buy “toys” and bigger houses than they can afford and do without health insurance because “they can’t afford it.” It used to make me so mad when parents would come into the clinic with their sick kids and no insurance and I KNEW they had a $30,000 bass boat and a big RV camper and they thought they ‘couldn’t afford” health insurance for their kids. Sure they COULD afford health insurance but they CHOSE not to purchase it and instead used that money for TOYS. So, when the economy took a down turn and their jobs were lost or cut back….they lost the toys and the big house when they couldn’t keep up the payments and still don’t have health insurance and they are mad because the clinic “hounds” them for payment on their back bills that they haven’t paid on.
We all have to “adult up” and take responsibility for ourselves and our responsibilities….physically, financially, and emotionally. My son C doesn’t do these things because he is not acting responsibly. He isn’t a danger to me, only to himself. The “chickens will come home to roost” as my granny would have said, and the consequences of his poor financial and moral decisions will fall on his head like a ton of bricks and he will not see it coming until it happens. I can’t stop that from happening, and I have QUIT TRYING to find excuses for why he acts this way. It was painful to me to accept the truth, just like it is painful for Tami to accept the truth about her son. I denied it for as long as I could and when he passed the FINAL boundary of lying to me AGAIN and breaking the agreement we had about him living here in this house, I had to ACT even though it was like ripping my guts out.
It is now two years since I asked him to leave, and I’ve pretty well come to peace with that and even the limited contact I have with him is not painful any more. It is coming on 1 year since I severed my relationship with my best friend of 30 years…that is also healing and I am coming to peace with that as well. Neither of those people are psychopaths, but they are not functionally people I can deal with. I cannot remain “friends” with people who verbally and/or emotionally abuse me or that I cannot trust.
Unlike with the psychopaths, there might actually be a possibility of a restoration of trust and intimacy with people who are simply dysfunctional, though I doubt in either of these cases it will happen. It MIGHT BE POSSIBLE though if they were to get some help for themselves, with a psychopath, though, there is NO possibility that any thing would ever restore any trust.
Sky,
Well, I guess you know what’s best for yourself in this case. But I still say you should consider changing your address – if only as a long-term possibility.
And we must totally be on the same wavelength about the “sunlamp” and the “sitting by the windows” thing! Right before I signed on, I was literally doing just that. In fact, I have to do this because I work night shift, and if I go two days without sunlight, I start to get gloomy and lose my energy. (Your words to Athena are right on – it makes a huge difference in terms of one’s mood.) Also, I was actually going to google, “UV lamp” just before I read your post! So if it really works and isn’t too expensive, I think I would get one in a second. (Especially for those January times when the sun doesn’t come out for weeks together.) Any advice about what to buy? And what works vs. what doesn’t?
I think I will try that – a UV lamp. Good idea.
I find when I am feeling like that – withdrawl – if I can convince myself to WAIT just a little bit – talk to another human being for just a few minutes – it passes. Previously, I would just pick up the phone.
My child has a little piece of paper taped up in his dorm room by the light switch – what he turns off when he leaves the room – “remember who you are and what you are about”. I’m being inspired by that quote. I want nothing to do with a liar and a cheater.
Thank you.
Athena
The UV full spectrum lights that actually WORK to replace sunlight are 1) VERY expensive and 2) you must sit there staring directly at them for HOURS DAILY….however, sunlight, even on an over cast day is very good for you and will help raise your “feel good” hormones.
Tanning beds have been pretty well shown to cause damage to skin and wrinkles and age spots etc. so while a REASONABLE amount of indirect sunlight is good for us and NECESSARY, don’t even over do the sunlight exposure.
Exercise is also a good thing and releases the “feel good Hormones” so walking or whatever you can do to increase your heart rate and get moving is good for you as well. It is natural for us to want to “hibernate” in the wintertime and to eat more carbs (they also raise the feel good hormones) but exercise and a bit of sunshine will help us more.
Also, a HUG from someone is a good thing too as it releases Oxytocin which is the ultimate feel good “bonding” hormone. You can also STROKE your own skin and get some of the same effects.
It is amazing what small things will raise our spirits and make us feel better. So look for the good things to do for yourself!
That’s too bad about the UV light being overly expensive, Oxy. I live in darkness for most of my waking life (literal rather than metaphorical, though I’m not unfamiliar with the latter kind!) In fact, I have tinfoil over all my bedroom windows to keep out the sun when I’m sleeping during the day. Which means I have to go to the kitchen for my “heliotherapy hour” in late afternoon.
I was looking around and there is something called a “SAD lamp” for “Seasonal Affective Disorder.” I don’t have SAD, but like I said, I really do notice when I’m away from the sun for a few days. However, a “SAD lamp” sounds a bit ridiculous to me! I don’t know if I could pull that one off with my male friends (mostly wrestlers and boxers): “Hey guys, what do you think of my new SAD lamp? – If you’d like I could get a few beers and we could all sit in front of it together while we’re watching the Super Bowl. And if I get really inspired, I might even bring out some Jasmine incense for a bit of aromatherapy!”
At the same time, if it actually put me in a good mood during the darkest part of midwinter, I think I would get it all the same. But like you said, Oxy, I can see how it’s possibly gimmicky (or too expensive) and not what it’s cracked up to be. I’ll have to do some more research….
Constantine, I did have SAD for years, and I worked nights too, and working nights is definitely proven to be bad for your general over all health and well being. Not enough light is bad too, I worked in a clinic that had no windows and went to work when it was dark and went home when it was dark.
I finally would sit in my vehicle at lunch even on gloomy days and it helped just to get some LIGHT.
I tend to be a easy switch to being a day sleeper, actually my natural rhythm runs on a 3-11 shift, but I worked 11-7 for a long time and the last job I had was 7p-7a, but it was only for 2 days a week. Most of the time though I did work days. Getting up in the morning has never been easy. Now that I am retired, I get up about 9-ish because that’s when I WANT to get up! LOL Ah the joys of retirement!!!! but poverty isn’t one of them! LOL What little money I have is now drawing 1% interest, just a few years ago it was drawing at least 5%, —-WHOOPPIE!!!!
Connie, you might find a light that is used and more reasonably priced, but I think you have to sit with it pointed directly at your eyes for several hours to do any good. I think an hour outside might be more reasonably priced and do more good.
Oxy,
Oh yes, I identify with the 11pm to 7am shift – I’ve been doing that for years! However, I’ve always been a night person for as long as I can remember. (Samuel Johnson once said that any man who gets up before twelve noon is a scoundrel – and I half agree with him!) Moreover, I love looking at the stars and taking long walks down to a pond near my house (on my nights off at least). I sit down there for hours at a time with my binoculars (I’m an amateur astronomer), and sometimes a six pack – even though that’s where I used to go with HER. And there’s something about having that time where you’re just completely alone with yourself, and there’ s no Youtube, or AOL, Twilight movies, television, etc. What’s more, after walking the five or so miles that it takes to get there (round trip) – well, I usually end up about as happy as I’m ever likely to feel!
But you’re right about the sunlight. Even if I had a lamp, I would still force myself to stand directly in the sun every morning after work for at least thirty minutes. (And then thirty or more minutes in the late afternoon.) What the lamp would be for is those Jan/Feb. days where it’s nothing but clouds and gloom 24/7 – and simply impossible to get any sunlight at all.
At any rate, it’s good that Sky brought up the sunlight issue, because this is something that is often neglected in terms of emotional well-being. But from a night shift person’s perspective, I can say that it makes an unbelievable difference. After all, there’s probably a limit to how depressed you can be when you’re working in a garden, and the sun is blazing down and baking into your skin!
I have had SAD since I was a child although for years, I thought it was simply because I just hated the fall and the winter! Just learned about 10 years ago that there is actually a name for the way I feel during these dark drear months. My tanning bed and Vitamin D seems to help my spirits. However, I only do the tanning bed thing 10 minutes at a time 3 X a week during this time…gotta give my skin a break in the winter.
Okay, FINALLY had a productive discussion with my son yesterday, yay! He was actually planning to come down and talk to me today in person but I’m going to be out of town for the weekend. Another yay! He said the past couple of days had been slow at work and asked me if I had time to chat for a few. I told him yes as long as he didn’t leave me hanging when I asked him a question. For some reason, he seemed more than willing to answer any question I asked and made sure he did the “brb” thing when he had to take a customer call.
He did clear one thing up with me. I thought he started seeing the spath gf a month after he did. Long story involving a check written to a former gf’s son for bday. Had her two son’s bday months confused. Went back and checked my register and sure enough, I had written the check for a February bday rather than a May bday. So, yeah, he did start seeing this gal sooner that I thought and it IS very possible that the baby is his. He also told me that he was fully aware that there was a slight possibility that it wasn’t based on one known cheating incident AFTER she was pregnant but said there was no way of knowing until after the baby is born.
He then went on to say that a he had heard that I was having surgery from another family member and asked what was going on and if it was serious. I told him, not really, and that it was only the facelift. Had to listen to a mild rant about that. He’s been against the idea ever since it first came up…says the risks aren’t worth the results, etc. He then asked when I was having it and I told him probably in about 3 weeks. He told me that would be around the time that the baby was born and asked if I was going to be able to come to the hospital. I then told him that since he had failed to answer my question about whether or not he was even going to call me when the baby was born, that I had assumed the answer was no and hadn’t given the baby’s birth any consideration when planning my surgery date. He told me that he would definitely be calling me and hoped that I would be there for it’s birth. That led to a discussion about his spath gf’s outrageous behavior towards my husband and me. He told me that he could relate and I couldn’t begin to imagine what HE had had to deal with since she had been forced into treatment. He also told me that he understood that I couldn’t begin to relate to a “pill head’s lies and craziness”. I asked if he felt it was her drug use that had made her behave in the manner that she had behaved in. He told me that he hoped so and that she had toned down a lot. He said she got angry, threw tantrums and couldn’t remember what she was angry about 10 minutes later. He told me that her anger issues were mostly related to the fact that the state had forced her into treatment against her wishes and because they had “control of her life”. She felt the baby was HERS and that it was none of the state’s business.
He went on to say that he knew the state had every right to intervene and was glad that they had because he couldn’t do a thing with her. He told me that no, he had not been on pills himself but that his drinking had increased during that time. He said that he had tested clean for drugs when they did their screening of him and had told her that he could assume custody of the baby if she tested positive for drugs and/or the baby was born addicted. He said she then threw a screaming fit about his drinking in front of the social workers. One of the workers took him aside and asked him about his drinking problem. He told them that he had did drink in excess at times but had quit several times before and assured them that he would stop if it meant losing the baby. They told that he’d better stop. He said that the social workers had already told the gf that her parent’s would not be suitable guardians for the baby because of her mother’s mental condition. They pulled the records of where my husband and I had just passed their screening a few months ago and asked if he felt that we would be willing to assume guardianship, if necessary, or agree to help him with a newborn since he was a first time father. He told them yes. He said that really set her off and that’s where all of her stabs at me about her family being BETTER than his family had came from. She said her sister would take the baby. They told her due to her sister living so far way that she would not be a suitable guardian.
He told me that he had totally stopped drinking and couldn’t believe how much calmer he was as far as his nerves and that he felt better about himself than he had in a long time with the exception that he had gained a little weight. He said that he had expected to lose weight when he stopped drinking but had gained instead and asked me if I knew why. I told him that I didn’t have a clue unless he was benefiting more from the nutrients in his food. He said he was also down to 3 cigarettes a day. Said he felt smoking was contributing to his sinus issues. He also mentioned that he was up for yet another promotion at work and to keep my fingers crossed for him that he got it. He told me that he felt that he was finally accomplishing something in life.
I finally got brave enough to ask if he felt that she would stay clean after the baby is born and if he felt that he could trust her alone with it. He answered that he had NO idea but that the state would be monitoring her for at least a year after the baby is born. I asked him why he had not discussed these things with me from the beginning of this mess. He told me because he didn’t want me to worry. I told him that his lack of communication had caused me greater worry. He said I seemed SO angry with the gf that he was afraid of what I might do to possibly make the situation worse. He said that it had been all that he could do to handle HER anger issues. He said that he had noticed that I seemed a lot calmer the last few times that we had chatted but that he kept getting interrupted at work and couldn’t get into a deep discussion with me. Oh yeah, he got a phone and gave me the number and told me to call him anytime during is not working hours or to text him when he was working and he’d return my call when he was on break or after he got off.
I asked how the gf felt about him communicating with me. He said he told her that it was her own mother who had serious mental issues and if she thought they weren’t going to need some motherly advice after the baby was born that she was crazy and that he trusted me. He said she then reminded him that she was a nurse. He told her, yeah, with less than 6 months experience and that it didn’t compare to my 31 years of motherhood experience and that I probably knew just as much if not more than she did about care taking and sickness. Said she started talking about CPR, etc. He told her that I knew how to dial 911 and unlike her mother, who has agoraphobia and is housebound, that I could also drive the baby to the ER or doctor if it needed to go.
I told him that I was glad that he had taken control of the situation and he told me that she was just now reaching the point in her treatment where he felt that he could finally communicate with her as well as with me. I told him that it MIGHT take me awhile to be able to tolerate being around this gal. He asked me if I could just please “fake it until he makes it” through the mess himself. He said that he had been doing a lot of “faking” things where she was concerned just to keep her calm. He said that he couldn’t deal with her issues, his own issues, worrying about the baby, focusing on his work and my being upset all the time, too. I then asked him if he had any idea why his grandmother, my mother, was refusing to answer my calls. He asked if I knew why she was refusing to answer HIS! I told him that the gf had informed me that she talked to her everyday. He just came back with an OMG! and said that he sure couldn’t worry about his grandma right now and her craziness. I told him that I couldn’t, either, and we agreed that she’d just have to get over it because she could certainly make a bad situation worse.
We talked about a lot of other things and even cracked a few light hearted jokes but the conversation was the best exchange that I’ve had with my son in a good while. I felt much better after the conversation and I think he did, too.
Folks, he’s NOT a sociopath. He may be a bit immature and spoiled but he’s now in a situation where he’s being FORCED to grow up FAST and he told me himself that he was trying to do it with MY help because it was something that he had to do on his own for once in his life. He told me that if he ends up with the baby, that he WILL be a little scared of caring for a newborn and will need my help until he gets comfortable especially given that it may be born with some issue related to her drug use but he said that after he gets comfortable that he hopes that he doesn’t have to call upon me for advice or help very much. He also told me that he had been reading everything he could get his hands on related to babies born with addictions as well as general information regarding the care of a newborn. We’ll see what happens. But, I am MUCH calmer now. He also asked me to either call him or shoot him a quick text when I made it to my out of town destination today. This has always been a ritual with us anytime I’ve traveled…used to travel expensively when I worked but this trip is strictly for pleasure but I’ll still let him know that we made the trip safely.
Hi Tami – has your son had treatment for his addiction problems? things are not going to get easier for him, and he needs to take care of himself.
edited to include: weight gain is often about overeating when one drinking. i have a feeling that your son is a bit unaware of what is going on inside of himself – and is generally given to addiction – hence the overeating.
Tami, I’m glad taht you had a reasonable communication with him, I never thought he was a psychopath, just dysfunctional….and addicted to alcohol….both of those things ARE “treatable” and “resolvable” if he works at it, psychopathy isn’t treatable…I think SHE has got psychopathy or other personality disorder (BPD?) as well as drug addiction. She needs a baby like a hole in the head, and the baby being HERS (possession) is to me an BAAAAD sign, her resenting the state getting involved, for the baby’s welfare in a case of her doing drugs her tantrums, etc. Whether the baby is born addicted because she is currently doing the drugs or not, she took drugs (I am assuming) during the first trimester so there have been damages already done to the baby that who knows what they are and when they will show up as learning difficulties, personality difficulties, ?????
Since the situation is what it is, it sounds to me like your son is tied to this woman for years to come, and assuming the child is after all his, he is going to have to deal with this woman, as well as most likely fight for this child’s welfare against this woman. With her mother having mental health issues, and her having psychopathy or other personality disorder, your son has a lifetime of drama laid out for him it seems to me, but it was his choice.
How much you become embroiled in this drama is of course up to you, but this woman isn’t very likely to “improve” or become mother or wife or GF of the year. Your son will have to “man up” and “mature” a great deal in a few months and over the coming years. I’m sorry for his sake that he has become involved in this situation. I think he could also use some boundary setting and communication work. I hope you will encourage him to get some therapy even if she won’t go with him. Good luck to you all.