As human beings, we all want love and companionship in our lives. It’s a basic human need, right up there with the needs for food, water and shelter. When we are lacking an intimate relationship, most of us try to fill the empty space. That leads to dating.
Here is what you need to know about dating and predators.
1. Evil exists.
What the evil is called—psychopath, sociopath, antisocial personality disorder, narcissist—really doesn’t matter. There are evil people out there, and they can be found in all segments of society—rich, poor, male, female, all races, all religions, all communities. They look like everyone else, but they are predators.
2. If you are dating, you are a target.
As an unattached person, you’re probably feeling a bit lonely—that’s why you’re looking for dates. This is natural and understandable. What you need to realize is that predators specialize in targeting lonely people. They know exactly how to find this vulnerability and exploit it by seeming to take the loneliness away. They shower you with attention, flatter you and promise you a lifetime of happiness—exactly what you’re looking for.
3. Meeting people on the Internet is extremely dangerous.
Yes, there are normal people on dating sites. But there are also predators, and communicating via the computer you do not have the tools you need to spot them. Most of the true meaning of conversation comes from nonverbal cues—voice, facial expression and body language. None of that is available in an e-mail. So what do you do? You fill in the missing pieces with your imagination, and the person becomes what you want him or her to be. You fall in love with a fantasy. For more information, see Internet Threat and Online Seduction on Lovefraud.com.
4. Predators are often charming.
If you meet someone who is glib, charismatic and has a quick answer to every question, be aware that these traits may indicate excellent social skills—or a psychopath. Pay close attention to what is actually being said. Are there gaps or inconsistencies? Is the person evasive? Does the person change plans or break promises—and always has an excuse? If you’re nodding your head, proceed with caution. For more information, see Key Symptoms on Lovefraud.com.
5. Watch for the pity play.
According to Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, the best clue that you are dealing with a sociopath is an appeal to your sympathy. If you’re dealing with someone who tries to make you feel sorry for him or her, blaming other people or “the system” for his or her problems, consider it a warning that the person may be a sociopath. For more information, see The Pity Play on Lovefraud.com.
6. Predators are often great in bed.
Many people who were involved with sociopaths have told Lovefraud that the sex was amazing. Sociopaths are often skilled lovers for two reasons: First, with an excessive need for stimulation, they are hard-wired for sex. Second, they get a lot of practice, often with anyone who comes along. In reality, sociopaths want only two things: sex and power. They do not feel love.
7. Do not ignore red flags.
Maybe something seems wrong but you can’t put your finger on it. Perhaps there’s a nagging feeling in your gut. Pay attention. Do not let him or her explain away your doubts. Do not tell yourself he or she has gotten a raw deal and your love is the solution. To avoid becoming the victim of a predator, your instincts are your best defense.
Thank you, Oxy. I would take it a step farther and say that not only is it NOT saving them, but it does them a huge disservice. It prevents them from experiencing the full consequences of their actions.
Katy, your words are very succinct, but really pack a punch. Well said.
Star,
your comments were extremely well stated.
Whether the son is a spath or not, he is behaving in all the ways that create the same kind of drama spath victims are subjected to.
Tami, you son is yoyoing you. One moment, he is insightful and considerate of you, praising you as the best mom and the next he seems to blaming you and attacking your behavior. This keeps you on the rollercoaster ride. You are experiencing lovebombing alternated with devaluing. Furthermore, he keeps you INVESTED in this drama because you love him, he is your son and now he is adding a grandchild to your INVESTMENT. It’s a ponzi-scheme because they can take that child away from you whenever they choose. That’s how they will continue to manipulate you. His discussion about custody was simply to establish that he could count on your hooks being in the right place.
“he told me himself that he was trying to do it with MY help because it was something that he had to do on his own for once in his life”
This is a contradictory statement. If he has to do it on his own for once in his life, then why is he asking your help? Word salad- red flag.
The contradictory statement is an appeal to your vanity as well. Only with YOUR help can he do what he is obligated to do. This is a boy who has still not taken RESPONSIBILITY for anything in his life. YOU are still there at every step of the way. He demands it.
In his comparison of you to his gf’s mom, he is again TRIANGULATING you but this time with the gf’s mom.
Tami, from your very first post it was clear that your son was overy dependent on you for a man his age. Most men and women do not go stay with their mom when sick. If they are that sick, they go to the hospital. This suggests a lack of boundaries between you. And it tells me that he has no problem expecting you to assume responsibility for him when he presents you with any problem.
You said that you have experienced a spath before. They come in different flavors, but there are some red flags that you can count on. Expecting others to assume responsibility for them is a huge one. Drama is another large one.
I expect that when the baby is born, he will report that it is his baby. I wouldn’t trust his word on that. Without forewarning him get a copy of the report for yourself. That said, I still recommend NC.
As Star said, you are doing him a disservice when you continue to be his emotional crutch long after the time when he should have grown a backbone.
Stargazer
I do think my words may sound harsh but it is my attempt to cut through some big denials. At this point, kindliness comes off as enabling and that baby does not need another enabler. The answer is easy, it’s the DOING of the solution that’s difficult b/c it will take somebody putting the baby’s needs first and when a child is a possession, nobody is going to do that.
I think it a Terrible tragedy when a child’s life is already predictable before it is even born b/c baby hasn’t one single healthy person to intervene for it. Adoption is the only chance for that baby, who already has genetics and likely chemical abuse to overcome. The rest of the people are their own consequence, none of them are connected to themselves and therefore unable to connect to others, and are so numbed to the bizarre thinking that alcholism and pill popping are merely choices of behavior and not the deal breaking red flags of HUGE emotional problems that they should be to moms, dads, and social services.
Guys I think all of us have given Tami some words to be “thought upon” and ACTED upon, but the bottom line is that TAMI is going to have to make the decision on how she responds to this “drama rama.”
I am really proud of each of the posters for your insightful comments to this situation and the analyzing of what is going on. Each of you have given good advice and have seen through the “drama triangle” in to what is really happening.
It is much easier for us to see the “big over all picture” because we are not emotionally involved in it. Tami is. I wish her well. (((hugs))) for Tami and for you all too!
I have a slightly different take on it than son behaving like a spath, though I agree with Sky’s comments that the effects are the same. I think your son might by yoyoing you because it is his weak attempt at asserting his independence from you (or at least tranferring his dependence from you to his gf). If you are overmothering him, it puts him in an awkward position. It’s probably just as confusing for him, and he doesn’t know what to do or what kind of relationship to have with you. It may be that he wants to grow up, but he needs you to pull back a little, so he can stand on his own. But of course, when you pull back, he clings because he’s afraid to let go. So when you set boundaries, he is going to test them. All kids do this.
Oxy, just saw your post, and yeah, Tami, this is all with a big hug to you.
Star,
I was thinking yesterday, about my relationshit with my little spathy sister, R. She was born when I was 3.5 and my parents made me assume responsibility for keeping her happy. I was told to give her my doll, play with her etc…
I spent my time teaching her to read, write, do arithmetic before she entered first grade. She followed me around, looked up to me, copied everything I did. I rescued her from anything she couldn’t handle easily, gave her advice, taught her to drive and even wrote her senior thesis. This required that I read the book Don Quixote! My parents trained us both to behave this way: me, the martyr/christ figure and she, the dependent follower needing saving.
What is interesting though, is what happened when she started dating. She would talk about me to her boyfriends, constantly comparing ME to THEM. MY opinion to THEIRS. Her first boyfriend even had a saying, “your sister, huh?” I guess he was tired of hearing, “My sister… blah blah blah”
She was always looking to date a authority figure. First guy was a senior in hs, while she was a freshman. Next guy was her teacher in college. After college, it was her boss at her first job. Then, she married the trojan horse spath because he was a cop.
My behavior toward her was like Tami’s. I would assume responsibility at the drop of a hat. Any time she needed anything, I was there to fix her life. It’s too bad that I did that. I think it was disrespectful to her personhood. She never developed any self confidence in her abilities.
I also never looked at her with pride. I only looked at her with “what can I fix for you today?” She never got to be an equal with me and I think that’s what partly stunted her growth. She is stuck in a perpetual need to compare herself to me and her fate is to never measure up. It’s no wonder she was easily tempted to try to kill me by her spath husband. Ironically, the spath husband is as obsessed with me as she is, since my spath sent him to infiltrate my family.
Sky, sounds so similar to what happened with my sister. I think there’s a point where a younger sibling looking up to an older one becomes a pathological sibling rivalry where one can become the identified patient and the other the rescuer. This is what happened with my sister and me. What would have been an ordinary younger-older sister relationship with normal amount of sibling rivalry was tainted by the abuse of my parents. My sister’s emotional growth was stunted, and I tried to rescue her long into my adulthood. She put me in that role and then always resented me for it. I hope wherever she is, she has found her niche in life and is happy.
Star ~ I started to post this earlier, then was interrupted. I think your original post was very well articulated, well thought out and caring. I agree 100%.
Katy, while your words may sound a little harsh, you have made the most valid point of all. The real loser here will be the baby. It will come into this world with more than it’s share of problems. Drug usage during the first trimester of pregnancy does the most damage to the unborn child. IF she has not stopped using, an addicted child goes through the same withdrawal as the Mom. Once in the world, it will not have the benefit of a mother’s love or nuturing. It will have a mother that will use it as a pawn to get her own personal wants and needs at it’s expense. It will have a father, that may love it, but is not capable of raising it on his own. You are so right Katy, adoption is the only truly wise choice, but it will not happen. This child would be adopted to a family seeking to adopt a “special needs” child. They would take classes and be aware of how to properly take care of this child. They would not be in denial over what they might expect from a child born under these circumstances and they would receive help from experts on raising it.
Oxy ~ you are right, this is a decision only Tami can make. It is all too easy for all of us to say what we might do under the circumstances. As most of you know, I was faced with something very similar. I don’t know if I would call it denial, but I was always praying things would be different, always holding out hope that my daughter would “see the light” and be a Mom. When faced with that tiny, innocent child, it is very difficult to turn away, even knowing your life with be filled with heartache, chaos and drama.
Tami ~ I want to give you a big hug too. I ended up doing what I could look at myself in the mirror and feel OK with, what I could live with. I wish you strength and courage.
O-kay! Had a wonderful time in Nashville with my best gf this weekend!
Yes, my son is immature when it come affairs of the heart. And, yes, my son stopped drinking once before and craved sweets. He had NO idea what was going on because he had never cared for sweets very much before. We did a bit of research and determined that this is something that happens to a lot of people when they stop drinking. And, my son’s drinking has NEVER interfered with his appetite. He’s not the type of drinker that stays drunk for days and doesn’t eat. But, he liked having anywhere from 4-6 beers after work EVERY night and it wasn’t just that he liked them…he seemed to NEED them.
As far has him asking me for MY help…the STATE will require him to have help if he takes the baby. They don’t just toss a newborn baby to a first time father here in Tennessee…especially a baby who may very well have special needs. They REQUIRE that a person, preferably a FAMILY member, with some experience agree to help the father with the child until he finishes parenting classes with them. He knows this…the state has TOLD him what will be required of him and he asked me if I would be WILLING to be that person. And, I have already told them that I am willing as long as the child does belong to my son. The state will pay for the DNA test to determine this! Sometimes I feel that I confuse y’all with the manner in which I express these things or maybe take for granted that you KNOW what the state of Tennessee requires. DCS requirements vary from state to state. They won’t even allow a grandparent past a certain age to have custody of a grandchild unless a younger family members agrees to help with the children. My husband and I JUST went through this with HIS brother’s 15 & 10 year old nieces.
My son is scared to death of NOT knowing how to take care of a tiny baby that can’t tell him what is wrong. I was scared to death when he was a baby and called upon older family members who had more knowledge that I did whenever something didn’t seem quite right with him! I didn’t have any siblings, either, so it wasn’t like I had ever been a part of taking care of a newborn or even observing someone take care of one on a regular basis when I was growing up. It took ME awhile to get comfortable with a tiny baby myself.
My mother DID finally contact me. I think she finally saw the light. The spath gf had been calling her on a regular basis and she FINALLY started to catch some inconsistencies and off the wall remarks the girl makes. My mother also informed me that the gf had been skipping doctor’s appointments again. And, my son IS suddenly almost desperately trying to get with me now to talk to me in person! He doesn’t have a clue how to handle this situation. I, myself, have had to make endless phone calls and read massive amounts of materials regarding the state’s laws about these things. We’ve NEVER had a situation like this in our family before. My mother told me that she KNEW the gf missed her appointment this past week and the gf actually told her that my son got very upset with her for missing it…said he was tired of trying to work and worry about what she’s going to do and not going to do! It’s obvious that the girl doesn’t give a damn about this baby. I feel that my son may very well be seeing that this gal is NOT going to follow the state’s requirements of her. He is doing EVERYTHING they asked HIM to do and he IS in counseling! She was, too, until the counselor told her some things about herself that she didn’t want to hear!
And, NOBODY will have to deal with this gal because if she can’t stay clean when she’s pregnant, then she sure as hell won’t stay clean after the baby is born! If she even desires to have visitation rights, she will be REQUIRED to pass a drug test EVERY week. The FIRST test she FLUNKS…the state WILL take all of her rights away PERMANENTLY and whoever has the baby will be issued an order of protection/restraining order against her. She feels that she is SO superior that the rules don’t apply to her. My son KNOWS better! The state scared him to death! She has the attitude that NOBODY is going to do ANYTHING to her because her daddy can fix everything. Well, daddy can’t fix this. Just like I can’t fix this for my son! I can be supportive but HE has to adhere to the state’s requirements and he is doing that. The gf told my mother that he just needed to SHOW the State that they weren’t going to push them around! The girl is freakin’ nuts! I’m just glad that my mother FINALLY realizes it! Of course, now my mother is freaked out again!
I feel that out of my own frustrations and being kept in the dark and making assumptions that I have misled you all. And, my mother actually offered some pretty good insight. She told me that it was probably ALL my son can do to deal with this crazy girl while also having to listen to her tell him how stupid he is for attending the counseling sessions required of him, work full time and take care of the house work, including packing their clothes off to a laundry mat to wash them, grocery shop and cook! He’s always been capable of doing all these things because I taught him how when he young. My mother said that she can see how he wouldn’t be able to handle ME or HER asking him a zillion questions and telling him that he needs to do this or that. He’s just in a situation that he doesn’t have a clue how to handle! Our entire family is appalled that a baby is being subjected to this.
We are NOT the type of family that will turn our backs on our flesh and blood. Not the baby no matter how many special needs it may have NOR my son!
And, the other thing is that I had GIVEN UP on getting my son to talk to me in person and alone! And, now, he says he really NEEDS to talk to me and I plan to listen and if he needs help with guidance, I’ll HELP him figure out who he needs to talk to. And, if her father cares enough to buy the baby crib and all the other items that she has asked him to buy for her and the baby, then he ought to be willing to INSIST that the out patient treatment center that she is skipping out on appointments with recommend to the state that she be placed in a residential treatment center AND HE pay for it where she can be monitored 24/7 until the baby is born. Thanks for the hug, MiLo! I can assure you all of one thing, being involved with an spath romantically was a heck of a lot easier than being involved with THIS! Of course, I didn’t have any children with my spath…good thing or you all would have seen ME featured someday on Deadly Women! That’s a joke…people…I’m not going to hurt anyone but knowing that an innocent little baby is being subjected to this crap is the MOST difficult thing that me or anyone in my family has ever had to deal with. It’s SICK!