As human beings, we all want love and companionship in our lives. It’s a basic human need, right up there with the needs for food, water and shelter. When we are lacking an intimate relationship, most of us try to fill the empty space. That leads to dating.
Here is what you need to know about dating and predators.
1. Evil exists.
What the evil is called—psychopath, sociopath, antisocial personality disorder, narcissist—really doesn’t matter. There are evil people out there, and they can be found in all segments of society—rich, poor, male, female, all races, all religions, all communities. They look like everyone else, but they are predators.
2. If you are dating, you are a target.
As an unattached person, you’re probably feeling a bit lonely—that’s why you’re looking for dates. This is natural and understandable. What you need to realize is that predators specialize in targeting lonely people. They know exactly how to find this vulnerability and exploit it by seeming to take the loneliness away. They shower you with attention, flatter you and promise you a lifetime of happiness—exactly what you’re looking for.
3. Meeting people on the Internet is extremely dangerous.
Yes, there are normal people on dating sites. But there are also predators, and communicating via the computer you do not have the tools you need to spot them. Most of the true meaning of conversation comes from nonverbal cues—voice, facial expression and body language. None of that is available in an e-mail. So what do you do? You fill in the missing pieces with your imagination, and the person becomes what you want him or her to be. You fall in love with a fantasy. For more information, see Internet Threat and Online Seduction on Lovefraud.com.
4. Predators are often charming.
If you meet someone who is glib, charismatic and has a quick answer to every question, be aware that these traits may indicate excellent social skills—or a psychopath. Pay close attention to what is actually being said. Are there gaps or inconsistencies? Is the person evasive? Does the person change plans or break promises—and always has an excuse? If you’re nodding your head, proceed with caution. For more information, see Key Symptoms on Lovefraud.com.
5. Watch for the pity play.
According to Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, the best clue that you are dealing with a sociopath is an appeal to your sympathy. If you’re dealing with someone who tries to make you feel sorry for him or her, blaming other people or “the system” for his or her problems, consider it a warning that the person may be a sociopath. For more information, see The Pity Play on Lovefraud.com.
6. Predators are often great in bed.
Many people who were involved with sociopaths have told Lovefraud that the sex was amazing. Sociopaths are often skilled lovers for two reasons: First, with an excessive need for stimulation, they are hard-wired for sex. Second, they get a lot of practice, often with anyone who comes along. In reality, sociopaths want only two things: sex and power. They do not feel love.
7. Do not ignore red flags.
Maybe something seems wrong but you can’t put your finger on it. Perhaps there’s a nagging feeling in your gut. Pay attention. Do not let him or her explain away your doubts. Do not tell yourself he or she has gotten a raw deal and your love is the solution. To avoid becoming the victim of a predator, your instincts are your best defense.
Good luck, Tami, it sounds like this is going to be your “entertainment” for a while, like maybe the next 18 years. Sounds like this gal is a big problem, and I hope that your son will be able to take the baby and “run” and that he will “stay runned” away from her. I sincerely hope the state does follow through, but I don’t have a lot of confidence in the family courts actually following through. Keep us posted. God bless.
Tami:
Thank you for confirming what I had heard about people who drink a lot and sweets.
My question is…what if the baby isn’t even your son’s? Is he planning on having a paternity test and does he still want the baby if it’s not his? Curious about this.
If the baby isn’t my son’s, then as someone suggested above, it will be placed with a family who desires and is equipped to tend to a child with special needs…unless the sister of the gf expresses the desire to care for the child. As I’ve stated before, I’m not jumping up and down to help care for another child at my age nor certainly to raise one but I will HELP with the child if it is my son’s.
I didn’t used to have a lot of faith in social services, either; however, the state of Tennessee and especially the small county where we reside has just recently started really cracking down on the mother’s of babies born with addictions. For one thing, the police is now prosecuting the mother’s to the fullest extent of the law…felony endangerment which carries a prison sentence and murder if the baby dies. The ob/gyns and social services also have obligations to fill and are being held accountable by the law…at least in OUR county and most of the surrounding counties. We’ve now had two charges brought against mothers who delivered drug addicted babies in our county within less than 6 weeks. And, sadly for the baby, one was a murder charge. Every few days, the local newspaper is printing articles stressing the seriousness of the problem and special police officers have been assigned to focus on ensuring that charges are being brought against mother’s whose babies are born addicted as well as parents with minor children who have addictions or domestic violence in the household. There has been a tremendous outcry for help with the drug problem from the people of our county and several surrounding counties. The demands of the people were too strong to be ignored by the police. The spath gf is addicted and pregnant at a time when the police are determined to prove themselves to the people. Also, most doctor’s in our area have stopped prescribing narcotics…some don’t prescribe them at all while others will only prescribe them on a temporary basis to fit the patient’s needs due to serious injuries or surgeries. However, we still have the problem of those who go to doctors out of state and bring them back here to sell.
It’s just been within the last couple of years that a child is now automatically removed from a household where a domestic violence incident has occurred between two parents. And, the children don’t even have to be present when the incident occurs. Of course, a primary concern about this is that an abused spouse will be less reluctant to call the police when he/she is an abusive situation. Also, these children are being returned to the parents after attending anger management and parenting classes or if the abuser is removed from the home, the children are left with the abused parent which I don’t feel is a very good idea. The families are monitored for some time afterwards but I’m not sure how closely. So, no, social services is far from perfect. However, they are encouraging other people to report any incidences that they know of while ensuring anonymity.
Oxy, yes I know that I will have my hands full if I end up either assuming responsibility for this child’s care or even agreeing to help my son. But, now that he and I are communicating again, I’m starting to get a much better idea of how this all came about. My biggest mistake was believing ANYTHING the spath gf ever said and my son is also realizing that he should have never believed anything she said, either. He seems to have finally taken charge of the situation and has stopped allowing her to control it or him. For now, I have to assume it is because he caught her lying to him about meeting the conditions that have been required of her. He plans to come down tomorrow night after work to talk to me…he has now requested that my husband be present…his stepfather of a little more than two years. Not sure what to expect but will let you all know.
Louise, menopausal women CAN crave alcohol, too! Strange how our bodies can be!
tami:
Haha, is menopause my excuse for wanting a drink? 🙂
Louise, it could be a good excuse…I guess! But, I have read that several different places. And, I have noticed that I have many more menopausal cravings than I had when I was pregnant! I’ve developed an appetite for things I’ve never even liked before!
tami:
I agree…funny, isn’t it??
Oxy!!!
Oh geez, please allow me to eat my words! You couldn’t have been MORE right! Give yourself a HUGE pat on the back! Found out by total accident last night that the spath gf was pregnant in mid April and was fully aware of it! Strange, one of his friends contacted me to ask if the baby was here yet. I told her that he was now saying that it wasn’t due until late February. She told me no way…said she remembered very clearly that he told her about the pregnancy on HER birthday which was April 20th and they had known for certain for a week then. My son told me that she MIGHT be pregnant on May 8th and didn’t confirm the pregnancy with the family until late May! No way this baby can belong to my son and he surely knows it! He’s NOT stupid! Well, yes! Maybe he IS stupid! I might consider it admirable of him to want to raise a child knowing that it isn’t his if it’s mother wasn’t a spath, pathological lying, crazy drug addict! He can’t even do anything with HER, how does he expect to take care of her AND a baby? Oh well, it’s his problem!
He’s FINALLY coming down tonight to exchange Christmas gifts. Right after “Merry Christmas, son”, I WILL tell him that I will NOT support him in this and not to come crying to me when he’s stuck paying 18 years of child support! I’ve tried to be patient with him because all of us here have been love bombed or under the spell of a spath and we didn’t see it right away. I remember trying to warn the gal that my ex spath husband left me for and got absolutely NOWHERE because she was going to believe HIM no matter what! But, he finally let her see who he really was and then she realized that I was being truthful with her all along.
It won’t do any good to try to warn my son…he’s under her spell and will have to learn the hard way just like the rest of us but I don’t have to be supportive of it. I made it clear to him last night that he is NOT to bring her tonight. She is not welcome and never will be. And, I’ve scheduled my surgery…the vanity one…and I’m quite certain I will be recovering when the baby is born and unable to go to the hospital but I wouldn’t be going anyway now.
Now, that I KNOW this child isn’t his…SO much of ALL the other confusing statements and constant due date changes now make perfect sense. SHE can take me for an idiot ALL she wants but I will NOT permit my own son to do that to me! If he wants a baby THAT bad, he should at least go to the doctor and make darn certain that he’s sterile before he willingly involves himself in a mess like this! After this baby is born, he’ll probably fool around and REALLY get her pregnant with HIS child!
I’m having my vanity surgery the second week of January, allowing myself around 6 weeks for recovery and then my husband and I are taking our first vacation in the plane…he’s a pilot…we have a plane (much more comfortable and faster than the last two Harley vacations) and we plan to be away for a month! I can’t wait!
Oxy (and others), you’re brilliant! Please forgive my resistance!
Tami,
Sugar I hvae fallen for more psychopathic love bombs than a honey bee! LOL No apology necessary and I definitely understand!
I know it is difficult to admit that the child we love and were so hopeful for grew up to be a dysfunctional ______ (fill in the blank) whether it is psychopathic or not, as long as they willingly engage in all of this pathological drama rama stuff, we cannot have a reasonable and close relationship with them.
I’m not sure what your son’s goal is in all this “game” he is involved with….maybe it is to get the kid and then get rid of her, but if that is his game, I doubt that it is going to work (in the first place) because in a custody fight the DNA test she would demand would knock him out of the running for custodial parent, and in the second place, she’;s going to be attached to that kid like a leech and use it like a pawn for the rest of its life In addition to which, there’s a darned good chance this child will be a special needs child due to brain damage done by drugs while she was pregnant.
Tami, I am so glad that you have finally “seen the light” about this whole nasty situation. You can’t help your son any more than I could help my son C. C isn’t a psychopath, but he is involved in one “drama” after another, and isn’t going to change his pattern any more than the psychopath is.
I hope you and your husband have a good trip in your plane and just be careful with flying in the winter weather. Let us know when you get back! (((hugs)))) Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
“Embracing changes which serve you can be uncomfortable, because the first step is always admitting and facing the truth that change is required to move forward.”
I found that above quote somewhere, while reading this morning and thought it profound and wanted to share.
Happy Thursday and Happy Holidays everyone.
My thoughts and prayers are with you all.
Dupey, thanks for that quote! That was very uplifting this morning! Happy holidays to you too, sweetie!