As human beings, we all want love and companionship in our lives. It’s a basic human need, right up there with the needs for food, water and shelter. When we are lacking an intimate relationship, most of us try to fill the empty space. That leads to dating.
Here is what you need to know about dating and predators.
1. Evil exists.
What the evil is called—psychopath, sociopath, antisocial personality disorder, narcissist—really doesn’t matter. There are evil people out there, and they can be found in all segments of society—rich, poor, male, female, all races, all religions, all communities. They look like everyone else, but they are predators.
2. If you are dating, you are a target.
As an unattached person, you’re probably feeling a bit lonely—that’s why you’re looking for dates. This is natural and understandable. What you need to realize is that predators specialize in targeting lonely people. They know exactly how to find this vulnerability and exploit it by seeming to take the loneliness away. They shower you with attention, flatter you and promise you a lifetime of happiness—exactly what you’re looking for.
3. Meeting people on the Internet is extremely dangerous.
Yes, there are normal people on dating sites. But there are also predators, and communicating via the computer you do not have the tools you need to spot them. Most of the true meaning of conversation comes from nonverbal cues—voice, facial expression and body language. None of that is available in an e-mail. So what do you do? You fill in the missing pieces with your imagination, and the person becomes what you want him or her to be. You fall in love with a fantasy. For more information, see Internet Threat and Online Seduction on Lovefraud.com.
4. Predators are often charming.
If you meet someone who is glib, charismatic and has a quick answer to every question, be aware that these traits may indicate excellent social skills—or a psychopath. Pay close attention to what is actually being said. Are there gaps or inconsistencies? Is the person evasive? Does the person change plans or break promises—and always has an excuse? If you’re nodding your head, proceed with caution. For more information, see Key Symptoms on Lovefraud.com.
5. Watch for the pity play.
According to Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, the best clue that you are dealing with a sociopath is an appeal to your sympathy. If you’re dealing with someone who tries to make you feel sorry for him or her, blaming other people or “the system” for his or her problems, consider it a warning that the person may be a sociopath. For more information, see The Pity Play on Lovefraud.com.
6. Predators are often great in bed.
Many people who were involved with sociopaths have told Lovefraud that the sex was amazing. Sociopaths are often skilled lovers for two reasons: First, with an excessive need for stimulation, they are hard-wired for sex. Second, they get a lot of practice, often with anyone who comes along. In reality, sociopaths want only two things: sex and power. They do not feel love.
7. Do not ignore red flags.
Maybe something seems wrong but you can’t put your finger on it. Perhaps there’s a nagging feeling in your gut. Pay attention. Do not let him or her explain away your doubts. Do not tell yourself he or she has gotten a raw deal and your love is the solution. To avoid becoming the victim of a predator, your instincts are your best defense.
Oxy and all,
Well, my son came down to get his gifts. He looks great! He’s gained some weight but is not overweight, his complexion is clear (he’s had psoriasis since he was very young), looks very healthy and the most strikingly handsome I’ve seen him look in a long time. Even my husband commented on his handsomeness. He said something about hearing a lot of that lately and that apparently, he should have given up drinking years ago. He commented that he felt much better but would like to drop a few pounds before he looks like the rest of the family. Everyone on my father’s side of the family is extremely overweight and he seems to have grabbed their genes. However, he looks absolutely miserable at the same time! We spent 2 hours with him and my husband and I both noted that he didn’t smile even ONCE! He was pleased with his gifts, clothes and an IPad, and tried them on immediately to make sure they fit. I also noticed that he ripped the tags off after trying on each item. That told me that at least he had no intentions of returning them or allowing her to. He thanked, hugged and told us that he loved us…said that he really needed some clothes since he had put on weight and that he really liked my selections.
We then sat down for our talk. He started out by saying that he wanted to apologize to me for all the years of worry that he had put me through with his drinking and apologized to my husband for the time that he had “dealt” with him. He also apologized for developing a pill problem in addition but assured me that it was something that he had only allowed to happened over the last few months. He updated us on his treatment and said that he was down to a very low dose of suboxone and felt he was just about ready to stop it completely. He said the girlfriend was prescribed 3 X the amount he was and he had no idea when she’d ever be able to stop. He said he had weaned himself but she hadn’t been able to and the clinic hadn’t really encouraged her to because her withdrawal would put additional stress on the baby and could cause her to go into labor. He said he felt that he could have probably cleaned himself up without any treatment if he hadn’t of had to work. Said there was no way that he could work and withdraw at the same time because it just made him too sick and he feared that his employer would recognize that he was in withdrawal…talked about sweat dripping off him, etc. Also, he told us that she had lost her job a good while back and he couldn’t afford to miss work and that he is also up for another promotion the first of the year and wants to prove his reliability in order to get it.
He said that he had stopped seeing the counselor because of the expense and felt that the NA groups were more beneficial to him. He said that he had really met some messed up people in the meetings that had provided him with a glimpse into his future. He said, in his opinion, that the counselor was charging him a fortune and trying to help him come up with EXCUSES for his drinking and drug use by blaming it on his childhood, bad relationships, missed opportunities, etc. whereas the NA counselors and the senior members stressed that everyone there had a problem because they chose to have one and even if their problem had stemmed from trauma or genetics that it was they, themselves, who chose alcohol or drugs to handle their problems and even if drug and alcohol problems ran in their families that they STILL had a choice. And, it was up to them to fix it. No blame games.
I asked if the gf was in any kind of counseling or attending any meetings. He said no, not yet, and that she used the excuse that she feared she’d see someone that she knew. He said he had tried to encourage her by telling her that there were lots of people there that he knew and was surprised by some of the people that had developed problems over the years. He said seeing people there that he knew actually helped him not feel like such a “loser” and lessened the shame to some degree. And, had even told her she certainly wouldn’t be the only pregnant woman there. He didn’t mention the name but told me about another “brain child” that he had attended school with that had been to a few of the meetings that he didn’t even recognize at first and said that the “dude” didn’t even make sense when he talked, was rail thin and appeared as though he might just die any moment. He said it was really sad and that he rambled on about his parents getting a divorce 20 years ago and how THEY had ruined his life. He said the counselors nor the group couldn’t change his focus no matter how hard they tried and that he’d just get up and leave the meeting. At any rate, he seemed very sincere and said that the NA meetings is where you REALLY see what drugs and alcohol will do to a person and not sitting across the desk from a counselor. Actually, I thought he made pretty good sense. It was a rare thing for him to drink with friends. He usually always drank at home alone so I’m glad he’s getting some exposure and interaction with others who have a drinking problem.
We then went on to discuss the attacks the girlfriend had made on us and offered to show him some of the texts. He told me that he knew I wouldn’t lie to him and that he knew better than anyone how she could lie and she talked so much that he just tuned her out most of the time! Two things that we told him about seemed to make him livid…one was sending me the “life and death” text messages while she was at work and I was sleeping concerning him in which she told me that he was crying for me and telling me that it was urgent that I get to him and a matter of life and death. And, the other was when he learned that she had been calling his ex-wife. He admitted that he knew she had borrowed and continued to ask for money but said that he was hearing most of these things for the first time and had no idea that she could be cruel enough to make me fear for his life or crazy enough to call his pill head ex-wife. YES! He divorced her because of HER drug problem. That’s why I was SO surprised to learn that he had developed one! I asked him why he felt that she would do either of these things. He said the only thing that he could think of was that she knew that I’d be asleep and wouldn’t get the texts and maybe it was her way of covering her own drug problem. Or, she was either at work totally wasted and did it for meanness. He said he honestly had no idea. He assured me that if he had of asked her to contact me as she had said that he would have insisted that she call in addition to the texts to get me to him if he had of needed me badly enough to CRY for me. He said that he KNEW it sometimes took more than one phone call to wake me up and that I certainly wasn’t going to wake up for a text! I also told him that she giggled to me about the texts later. He also said that she was probably contacting his ex looking for pills because he had told her all about HER pill problem when he first started seeing her and before he realized that SHE had a problem. He asked if I knew WHEN she had talked to the ex and I told him no. He commented that he was now beginning to understand how she was spending her time when he was at work and why the house was always dirty.
He then asked if he could come back today and talk more. He said he wouldn’t be tired after working nor concerned with getting home early to rest up for the next work day. We told him yes. He told us if she called not to mention that we had talked to him about these things until we could finish our conversation. We told him if she called, we were NOT answering the phone! He also asked us to think of everything we could and told me that he wanted to know what I had learned about her history. I told him that I had learned a lot earlier but we got caught up in talking about his treatment, etc.
So, here we are again. I asked my husband how he felt about our discussion as he was mostly an observer. He said that he honestly believes that my son is every bit as unaware of her “other” side as we were our ex spath’s other sides. He said that he noticed that he had a hard time looking at us when he talked about his drug problem but that his head shot up to full attention and was looking us straight in the face when he started hearing the things that she had done. I’m not ready to let him off the hook just yet. That will depend on how he responds to the situation now that he is being made aware of what she is capable of. He didn’t try to defend her and he really did seem surprised and extremely annoyed. My husband and I have agreed that if he starts defending her, that’s when we will stop educating him.
Well, Tami, I’m glad the conversations went well….I agree when he starts defending her, he is no longer listening.
Interesting point you made though….this is the SECOND pill head he has been involved with (ex-wife + this one) so he has a PATTERN of hooking up with addiction prone women and/or psychopathic ones. It sounds like his “counselor” wasn’t a good fit, and I’m glad he is going to NA or AA because the “no excuses” is how he must function to beat the addiction.
I hope things go well with the after work talk. Let us know how it goes. Merry Christmas eve!
I recently got out of a relationship with a man I know for sure is a sociopath.
Our relationship started in May and he told me that it was just me and him. I gave him everything. I gave him my heart, my soul, my time, my money, everything. I was completely committed to him and he knew that. My feelings for him were very deep. Along the way, there were so many inconsistencies and problems. Every time we had a disagreement, he would always threaten to leave (even though 95 percent of the time, he was the cause of the problem). He never let me meet his family. He was always very protective over his phone and I sensed he was hiding something. So many questions. Things didn’t add up. I had a GUT feeling something was wrong, but I just couldn’t prove it. I didn’t have evidence.
Recently, just a few days ago, I did an internet search on his name. Nothing came up. I thought, “That’s strange. Most people have some kind of presence on the internet.” So I tried his mother’s name, thinking I could find out about him through her. I did, and I ended up finding a lot.
I ended up finding out that the name he gave me was false. I ended up finding that he was born in 1977, not 1983 like he told me. Worst of all, he was married with three kids. I found this out through a website that also had pictures of him with his arms around her, him with his kids, and him, his wife, and kids together.
That night I confronted him with this information. I printed out all the info I had on his real name, his birth date, and other information. I printed out the pictures of his wife and kids. I printed out the page that said his wife and kids were married. I even printed out the obituary of his wife’s father, who had just died one month ago while we were together. He told me the woman was his sister and those boys were his nephews. And then he exploded, shifting it on me and making me feel bad for not trusting him. “How could you do that to me? You don’t trust me? I told you, some things you just don’t talk about. You have to leave things alone. If I say I don’t want to talk about my family, respect that.’ He tried making me feel so bad for what I’d done. He also threatened to leave and said, “I swear to God, if you ever do something like that again, I’ll leave you.”
The next day, I got a hold of his wife after searching for a way to contact her. I told her everything. As I tried to speak to her, he came into the room asking who she was speaking to and after she told him that I was on the phone telling her I was dating him, he physically would not let her speak to me. She told me she would call me back, and later that night, we resumed our conversation and I told her everything.
Afterwards, he texted me incessantly calling me a ‘stupid ass bitch’, threatening me that his family would beat me up. He told me he knew where I lived and he would cause problems. He also called my home numerous times. I ended up going to the police for my safety.
After all is said and done, I’m left with hurt. The wife is left with hurt. His kids
Straight up,
I do not doubt that the man was a psychopath….I applaud you for contacting his wife. If she did not know, she deserved to know.
I’m sorry you experienced such a con job, and I hope that you will hang around LoveFraud and learn and heal. Knowledge is power, and we must take back our power! We must learn to listen to our guts and not be vulnerable to the “love bombs” that they mask their real intentions with.
God bless. And again, welcome to Lovefraud.
StraightUp,
Wow! I am SO glad that you went with your gut and figured out that the man is a fraud. The truth about him is upsetting, but thankfully, you are free of this low-life. These people just amaze me – what they will do to others absolutely floors me still, the level of deceit.
(Continuing)….
After all is said and done, I’m left with hurt. His wife is left with hurt. His kids are left with hurt. Every waking moment now, my thoughts are directed to this. I cried throughout the whole day yesterday. I told my family everything and they feel the pain, too. I woke up this morning thinking, “I dated a monster. I dated a man who was actually married and three kids.” Wow, I still can’t believe it. At this point, there is no going back. I wish things were different, I did care for him a lot, but there’s no turning back from the realization that this man lied.
For someone to do that to another human being, there is no other word for him other than ‘sociopath’. He has no heart and soul. I’m wishing for an apology from him, a realization that, “Wow, I hurt that girl.” But I don’t expect one, at least not soon.
I spoke to a counselor after filing a police report, and he told me not to blame myself. Yes, I should have listened to my gut and I should do that in the future, but this guy is a professional con. People like this exist. To normal people like you and I, it is hard to fathom that people aren’t kind, but evil exists. It truly does and it shocks the heart of those who have a heart. All I can say is learn from this and move forward. Be strong, be insightful. Listen to your gut feelings. Be an advocate for those who have been hurt, too. After this, I learned how much people care for me. My family, my friends, who I neglected for him, have been there for me and are supporting me. They’re helping me get through this. Appreciate the people around you who truly care.
Thanks for all the welcomes and positive comments. I’m so glad I learned the truth about him. The truth hurts, but not knowing is worse. It’s going to be hard after touching so much evil, but I’ll get through this. I think we all can.
Straightup, I feel so much for you. This takes me back to 2008 when I went through something somewhat similar. I also was not aware of sociopaths at the time and didn’t know about the red flags. It’s good that you got out relatively quickly – less than a year, though I know it’s no consolation. Healing from something like this is incredibly painful and it takes a while. Be very very kind to yourself and just let the hurt be. You’ve been traumatized, and are probably still in shock. You will want closure, but you will not get it from him. Even if he were to apologize, he wouldn’t be sincere. I’m sending you a big hug. You will get through it and you will be all the wiser for your experience.
Oxy, to answer your question about whether there is a pattern to my son getting involved with drug users and/or sociopaths. I’m not sure how to answer that. For one thing, he has only been in what could be considered 3 serious relationships. He was with the ex-wife from the time he was 18, they got married when he was around 26, agreed to split up for a couple of years and then got back together for a couple of years. He had a relationship with another girl during the time they were separated that I really liked. The two of them moved from Tennessee to upstate New York where her mother lived and were up there for over a year and seemed to do really well. He and the wife stayed in touch somewhat and planned to divorce when he moved back to Tennessee. The move to New York started out as a visit but he really liked it so the girlfriend agreed to stay for a limited amount of time herself. She prefers Tennessee. They moved back to Tennessee and the wife had just discovered that she was pregnant! Not by my son but by the first guy that she went out with and it turned into a one night stand. At some point during the separation, the wife had totally stopped drinking but then developed the pill problem. Her pill problem started out with a regular prescription for neck pain that she suffered from after breaking her neck in an automobile accident some years before. Within a year of getting the script, she was abusing them and buying them off the street in addition to getting her monthly script. Not sure how it happened but he and the wife got back together. He wanted to “help” her through her pregnancy. Said he felt that it was his fault that she got pregnant. Her parents are very old-fashioned and her pregnancy was simply unacceptable especially since she was still legally married to my son. She cleaned up as soon as she learned she was pregnant and only took the amount of pain medication that her doctor prescribed and told her was safe for the baby. My son also helped her wean off of an anti-depressant that was unsafe her to take when she was pregnant. She seemed to have a more difficult with the antidepressant that she did with the pain pills. He just kept sneaking and emptying a little more out of her capsules every day, allowed her to take capsules filled with powered sugar for 3 days and then told her what he had done. So, that was the end of the AD. The baby was born, her parents melted upon the sight of it, my son fell in love with the child, stopped drinking and then the wife started back on the pills when the baby was around a year old. Her addiction was WORSE than before the baby was born. She lost her job and pretty much hit rock bottom. And, her mother kept giving her her father’s pain medication because she would whine about her neck hurting all the time. My son tried to tell her mother that she had a problem but she wouldn’t believe it. She not only continued to give her father’s meds to her but also gave her money anytime she asked for it which she used to buy more pills. My son finally called her mother, told her he couldn’t deal with it, to use their money to get her some help with and that was that. They got a divorce. He was EXTREMELY hurt over the baby, though. The wife had told him that she’d always allow him to see the baby no matter what and of course that was all talk. He started drinking again, ended up with a DUI and living with me and my husband. He dated another girl for a little while that didn’t have any substance issues, had two sons, her own home, etc. He couldn’t deal with how she interacted with her children and frankly, neither could I. She wasn’t physically abusive of them but was extremely verbally abusive. She screamed at them and told them how miserable they made her. Her verbal attacks on them seemed to come from nowhere…not when they were acting up…they were afraid to move. He attempted to talk to her about it and she screamed at him! LOL! He didn’t see her for very long at all and said he didn’t think he could ever deal with her screaming…especially at the kids. She definitely had issues but I’m not sure what they were…wasn’t around long enough. A couple of months went by and he started seeing the girl he is with now. He went out with her and never came back…moved in with her immediately and then within 6 weeks, we’re told “they” are having a baby. So, I don’t really know if he has a pattern of getting involved with sociopaths. I don’t really think the ex-wife is a sociopath…although she had a substance problem. The last I heard, she had been clean for a good while. The girlfriend that I was so fond of and he are still friends and she visits me quite often. She went back to school, got her degree and is doing really well for herself. And, I suppose the other gal is still somewhere screaming at her kids. The girl he is with now reminds me a lot of the ex-wife…they both had pity stories to tell and latched onto him with all their might. The girl that I’m so fond of is an extremely intelligent girl with no pity story. And, the screaming gal didn’t seem to have a pity story to tell but seem to hate her children’s father so much that she doesn’t even like her own children because they are a part of him and she now believes that every man is JUST like their father…except for her own father. She DID complain a lot about their father although they’ve been divorced for over 6 years. I guess unlike Forrest and his box of chocolates, my son’s life is a can of mixed nuts!
Tami
All the details in your son’s stories seem to gel into a pattern: drama and roller coasters and triangulation, mixed with pills and alcohol.
It really doesn’t matter what the details are – they change from one day to the next. What matters is that you don’t participate in it. Your emotions will be on a roller coaster ride until you decide to get off. I don’t know if you noticed but each of your posts swings 180 degrees the opposite from the last. First you are angry at your son, then he is a hero, then he’s a liar, then he’s a martyr, etc…
That’s a roller coaster. There are people who are addicted to drama and your son is one of those IMO. Unfortunately, when we are in contact or emotionally invested in a person like that, we also become drama addicts. At first it’s not our intent, we are dragged in to it unawares. Then, after being in that situation for a period of time, our bodies get accustomed to the drama and we feel “empty” without it. That’s where the addiction begins.
Spaths are unable to ever overcome this feeling of being “empty” when they aren’t getting attention or drama. That’s why they can’t stand to be around boring people and it’s why they create hell and misery for everyone around them – they LOVE IT.
We need to detach from people who are drama addicts. Whether they are spaths or they have been slimed by spaths, it doesn’t matter because either way, they will slime you with their drama and make you an addict too.
This is the reason we use NC and gray rock. Only by not feeding them any of our emotions can we protect ourselves from becoming their supply.
Your son will not be able to become “normal” while he is with that woman. It is impossible. But even if she disappeared overnight, history shows that he would just go find more drama with another drama queen. Time to protect yourself, Tami. We can’t save the world, we can only save ourselves.