As human beings, we all want love and companionship in our lives. It’s a basic human need, right up there with the needs for food, water and shelter. When we are lacking an intimate relationship, most of us try to fill the empty space. That leads to dating.
Here is what you need to know about dating and predators.
1. Evil exists.
What the evil is called—psychopath, sociopath, antisocial personality disorder, narcissist—really doesn’t matter. There are evil people out there, and they can be found in all segments of society—rich, poor, male, female, all races, all religions, all communities. They look like everyone else, but they are predators.
2. If you are dating, you are a target.
As an unattached person, you’re probably feeling a bit lonely—that’s why you’re looking for dates. This is natural and understandable. What you need to realize is that predators specialize in targeting lonely people. They know exactly how to find this vulnerability and exploit it by seeming to take the loneliness away. They shower you with attention, flatter you and promise you a lifetime of happiness—exactly what you’re looking for.
3. Meeting people on the Internet is extremely dangerous.
Yes, there are normal people on dating sites. But there are also predators, and communicating via the computer you do not have the tools you need to spot them. Most of the true meaning of conversation comes from nonverbal cues—voice, facial expression and body language. None of that is available in an e-mail. So what do you do? You fill in the missing pieces with your imagination, and the person becomes what you want him or her to be. You fall in love with a fantasy. For more information, see Internet Threat and Online Seduction on Lovefraud.com.
4. Predators are often charming.
If you meet someone who is glib, charismatic and has a quick answer to every question, be aware that these traits may indicate excellent social skills—or a psychopath. Pay close attention to what is actually being said. Are there gaps or inconsistencies? Is the person evasive? Does the person change plans or break promises—and always has an excuse? If you’re nodding your head, proceed with caution. For more information, see Key Symptoms on Lovefraud.com.
5. Watch for the pity play.
According to Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, the best clue that you are dealing with a sociopath is an appeal to your sympathy. If you’re dealing with someone who tries to make you feel sorry for him or her, blaming other people or “the system” for his or her problems, consider it a warning that the person may be a sociopath. For more information, see The Pity Play on Lovefraud.com.
6. Predators are often great in bed.
Many people who were involved with sociopaths have told Lovefraud that the sex was amazing. Sociopaths are often skilled lovers for two reasons: First, with an excessive need for stimulation, they are hard-wired for sex. Second, they get a lot of practice, often with anyone who comes along. In reality, sociopaths want only two things: sex and power. They do not feel love.
7. Do not ignore red flags.
Maybe something seems wrong but you can’t put your finger on it. Perhaps there’s a nagging feeling in your gut. Pay attention. Do not let him or her explain away your doubts. Do not tell yourself he or she has gotten a raw deal and your love is the solution. To avoid becoming the victim of a predator, your instincts are your best defense.
Check them out pretty early on. Dont just rely on what they tell you, cos they lie. Call on them as well, at home, at work, dont just rely on the mobile. My ex used his mobile phone to hide behind, he could have told me anything, and unless I went to his flat and knocked the door, he could be telling me anything. But I never knocked the door or called to his work because I didnt want to invade his privacy. In the end I was so suspicious and tormented I became like a detective and I even borrowed a wig and friends car to sit outside his flat. the last straw came when I found womens phone numbers on his phone and I suspect he tried to pick up a girl at a london market whilst I was elsewhere in the market. He was often testing me out, to see what I would put up with – in the end I realised he was grooming me for a sad wretched life, where I would end up living a subsistence life, whilst he was out drinking every night and no doubt being unfaithful and that I would have nothing else to fall back on – I JUST COULDNT CONTEMPLATE A LIFE LIKE THAT = THAT’S WHY HE HAD TO GO
The reason I think we dont see the red flags, is because in isolation they dont add to anything. If someone cancels a date because they are tired, you dont question it. If they tell you their last girlfriend went back to her ex – understandable, if they tell you they have to work Christmas Day because they are on a rota with other staff – how can you disprove that. But, on asking detailed questions, I never got detailed answers or answers that I could check on. He was very good at using excuses around his job (tired/got to work late) etc to lead a double life. When he used to tell me he loved me, it never felt right, it was like the words without the feelings. His behaviour was inconsistent at all levels. It was only after I finished the relationship and read more about the sociopath that all the pieces of behaviour, things he said, hints he dropped actually made sense, but they didnt make sense in isolation.
In the year an a half I knew him, I spent hundreds if not thousands of hours, talking about him, thinking about him, writing about him and although it has been over two months since I threw him out, he is still in my mind. The way he just used to walk out on me, when we had a minor disagreement, then he used to punish me by disappearing. I even spoke to his ex girlfriend to find out about him, because they had finished badly, but she didnt give me much information. I have enough information about him now to write a book in a strange sense, I know more about him as a person now I have finished with him, than when I was with him. I too am a kind nuturing woman and he totally took from me, and very cleverly censored what he gave back. He had a very abusive childhood and when I first met him he said he had demons in a box. Infact now I look back he dropped quite a few hints at the beginning, but I wanted to give him a go, that was a big mistake and I had no idea of the damage he would do to me emotionally – he never hits women (so I thought he was safe). I willingly opened myself up to this man, whilst he kept himself on the back burner. If I suggested meeting he would always turn me down. When we went on holiday, he would suggest spending a few hours apart. I said something out of turn abou this family and he never spoke to me for two days. I had prepared a great christmas for him, bought food and presents, and at the last minute he said he had to work. I got the impression he was seeing someone else. I could go on and on but in the year I knew this guy I was constantly on an emotionaly rollercoaster he was in no way worth it. I have used this to face my own demons, my relationship with my cold father, my shortcomings in relationship management, trying to nurture myself more and get my life back into balance. They are people who are sad, they will never have true love in their lives and that is sad, but they must be kept away from. There are so many tempting websites, chat lines for men who want to exploit themselves and others.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A SOCIOPATH DIVORCES YOU AND REMARRIES ANOTHER SOCIOPATH???
I AM CURIOUS IF ANYONE HAS EXPEREINCED THIS, MY EX NOW HAS WHAT IM SURE IS A SOCIOPATH WHOM HE HAS MARRIED AND I SHARE CUSTODY OF TWO CHILDREN WITH HIM..
Very good article, and excellent points! However, to the casual observer or reader – very daunting. Having experienced a r/s with a flaming Narcissist, at times I feel overwhelmed and discouraged with the PROCESS of dating, sorting through the flakes and the painstaking eval. process of trying to discern if someone is TRULY sincere or if they are ‘mirroring’ me, my thoughts/desires/values/belief system/goals, etc… as part of a Narcissistic manipulation tool to “hook” me. At times, now that I know about N’s and P’s – I feel they are EVERYWHERE b/c I know what red flags to look for! You learn, after time in the dating pool – that it’s about looking for PATTERNS, no isolated or a one-time response.
Alas, I am in no hurry (anymore). Have learned the very hard lesson that it is far more important to learn as much as you can about a person and their history than it is to just have someone ‘special’ in my life. Right now, I am quite content learning to ‘fix’ my vulnerabilities.
I come from parents who exhibit very high degrees of Narcissism (though I don’t believe to be high enough for NPD). In my research and learning, I have repeatedly found one particular statement to be VERY true:
“we are attracted to what is familiar”
– in other words, if you come from backgrounds with little to no ‘healthy’ boundaries; where you were expected to not develope into your own healthy and competent person but rather exist to benefit OTHER people’s needs (were molded into a co-dependent) you are at MUCH greater risk of falling prey to N’s and P’s. ALL THE MORE REASON TO GO SLOW AND AT YOUR (repeat YOUR) own pace rather than allowing someone else to determine the pace of the relationship. N’s and P’s will EASILY be frustrated with this… after all, they move in strong and swift to ‘hook’ us before we even realize what’s going on or figure what they are about (b/c if we realize THAT, they wouldn’t be able to get what they want out of us – ATTENTION, ADORATION, and other forms of NS).
I think, alot of people are much harder on themselves than they are on others. Ending a relationship DOES NOT MAKE YOU A FAILURE or mean you are FLAWED in any way… bottom line, it means that you care enough about yourself, love yourself ENOUGH to NOT settle for anything less than you deserve (happy, healthy, authentic LOVE). Too many people, especially those hyper-criticized by N’s, feel that they ARE flawed when one or more relationship does not work out…. because DISORDERED people have drummed that into their brain over years or a lifetime. Why on earth would you believe a disordered person’s assessment of you or healthy relationships over your OWN assessment?? (food for thought).
To me… I believe, the KEYS are:
– Learning what healthy boundaries are, and PRACTICE implementing them and maintaining them. Some people need more boundary setting; other’s less. Even the SAME person may need more boundary setting in one area than another. HONE YOUR BOUNDARY SETTING SKILLS!! PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.
– Learning what ‘red flags’ are AND what made/makes you vulnerable to them. Assess your own r/s patterns and history. With time, active examination – you WILL discover what made you vulnerable to that N in the first place. (for me, I am 38, biological clock ticking, and societal pressure not to become an ‘old maid’ factored HEAVILY into my ignoring/making excuses for some pretty huge hindsight red flags. That, the ‘charm’ and ‘charisma’; and believing things said by N, taking them at face value.. there’s ALWAYS two sides to each story – if ALL of their ex’s are ‘crazy’ – don’t ignore it… could be a HUGE red flag).
– GOING SLOW!!! Get off the relationship rat race! Who put a time clock on love anyway?? (probably YOU and society, family, etc…) But it is YOUR LIFE. You have to live with this person (ideally) for the rest of your lives – no one really enters marriage thinking it is ‘temporary’ until they find someone better (except an N or P, of course). Take your time, and the N’s and P’s will ‘out’ themselves!! Looking for dysfunctional and/or pathological patterns TAKES TIME, AWARENESS and GOOD BOUNDARY SETTING.
Someone please tell me if you think there was a female sociopath involved in the following true story:
Guy attends a random summer pool party. Is introduced to this attractive looking girl. In retrospect, guy finds out that the girl was asking everybody if he was single. Girls finds out that he was. Girl all of a sudden becomes interested with this guy. The party goers starts to play a drinking game. All of a sudden, the girl tells everyone she sleeps with a knife. No one calls her on that – it is lost in the mist. Guy & knife girl go swimming. Girl isolates the guy from others & lies thru teeth about accomplishments & drowns him with flattery & charm. They go back in the place. Girl gets more promiscuous with guy. Starts the initial contact – feeling or what ever. Lies even more about credentials. Guy then leaves place & learns afterwards that the girl got all angry & went nuts when guy left because she wanted to fuck him so “badly”. Guy also learns afterwards that she got desperate later on with the other present guys, spread her legs wide open, & asked any willing guy to fuck her. She was looking for a rebound guy.
All thoughts would be appreciated.
HR. I think if you read your own last two sentences, that will answer your own question.
Good point. What sort of category would you put someone like this in Beverly? Like a seductive sociopathic slut? Ultimately, what do these types of girls want? In your opinion, what do you think she really wanted out of fucking some random guy? I personally believe it was more than just fucking some random guy to have an orgasm or what ever. I really think she wanted something from that guy. What do you think? Girl was clever – had like a fake ID & everything. What do you think the point was by telling people she sleeps with a knife? Thanks!
After reading Hares’ book “without conscience” it almost seems that the sociopaths are the ones who personify the antichrist/
“Maybe something seems wrong but you can’t put your finger on it. Perhaps there’s a nagging feeling in your gut. Pay attention.”
There were many red flags and early on, I sensed my x-spath was hiding something. In all fairness to myself, after his very “Mr. Hyde” behavior on out third date, I told myself I was not going to contact him further. He was going back to London and that was going to be it. However, he did contact me.
I was honestly turned off to his first email to me, very cold. His first words were “I guess by now you have figured out this is me,” given his email address has a .uk.co suffix. No “nice meeting you” or anything in reference to our dramatic evening two nights before. Just details of his plane flight home.
But then he began to “text bombing” me, saying things like he really wanted to get to know me more, that he needed to be more open like me and that he appreciated my honesty. So, again in all fairness to me, Dr. Jekyll started to work his charm again.
But the red flag was his next trip back. He was staying outside the city, so I told him I could stop by his hotel for a drink. His response “how will you get back home.” I found this very curious, as I would simply take the train home. What I did not realize is that London trains don’t run 24X7 and he clearly was uncomfortable with me perhaps being forced to stay in his hotel when the trains shut down.
I took this again that I was moving too fast for this “proper and reserved” British guy, so I quickly backed down.
Yet a week later he was OK spending the night at my place.
Calling him on all this one way or another would have saved me much grief.