As human beings, we all want love and companionship in our lives. It’s a basic human need, right up there with the needs for food, water and shelter. When we are lacking an intimate relationship, most of us try to fill the empty space. That leads to dating.
Here is what you need to know about dating and predators.
1. Evil exists.
What the evil is called—psychopath, sociopath, antisocial personality disorder, narcissist—really doesn’t matter. There are evil people out there, and they can be found in all segments of society—rich, poor, male, female, all races, all religions, all communities. They look like everyone else, but they are predators.
2. If you are dating, you are a target.
As an unattached person, you’re probably feeling a bit lonely—that’s why you’re looking for dates. This is natural and understandable. What you need to realize is that predators specialize in targeting lonely people. They know exactly how to find this vulnerability and exploit it by seeming to take the loneliness away. They shower you with attention, flatter you and promise you a lifetime of happiness—exactly what you’re looking for.
3. Meeting people on the Internet is extremely dangerous.
Yes, there are normal people on dating sites. But there are also predators, and communicating via the computer you do not have the tools you need to spot them. Most of the true meaning of conversation comes from nonverbal cues—voice, facial expression and body language. None of that is available in an e-mail. So what do you do? You fill in the missing pieces with your imagination, and the person becomes what you want him or her to be. You fall in love with a fantasy. For more information, see Internet Threat and Online Seduction on Lovefraud.com.
4. Predators are often charming.
If you meet someone who is glib, charismatic and has a quick answer to every question, be aware that these traits may indicate excellent social skills—or a psychopath. Pay close attention to what is actually being said. Are there gaps or inconsistencies? Is the person evasive? Does the person change plans or break promises—and always has an excuse? If you’re nodding your head, proceed with caution. For more information, see Key Symptoms on Lovefraud.com.
5. Watch for the pity play.
According to Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, the best clue that you are dealing with a sociopath is an appeal to your sympathy. If you’re dealing with someone who tries to make you feel sorry for him or her, blaming other people or “the system” for his or her problems, consider it a warning that the person may be a sociopath. For more information, see The Pity Play on Lovefraud.com.
6. Predators are often great in bed.
Many people who were involved with sociopaths have told Lovefraud that the sex was amazing. Sociopaths are often skilled lovers for two reasons: First, with an excessive need for stimulation, they are hard-wired for sex. Second, they get a lot of practice, often with anyone who comes along. In reality, sociopaths want only two things: sex and power. They do not feel love.
7. Do not ignore red flags.
Maybe something seems wrong but you can’t put your finger on it. Perhaps there’s a nagging feeling in your gut. Pay attention. Do not let him or her explain away your doubts. Do not tell yourself he or she has gotten a raw deal and your love is the solution. To avoid becoming the victim of a predator, your instincts are your best defense.
Tami, I would say that is a DYSFUNCTIONAL PATTERN of relationships is a pattern with him from 18 on….he is playing the “musical chairs” of the triangulation of “victim-rescuer-persecutor.” He is also involved in a tremendous amount of “drama” and while he may “want” a child, his manner of securing a child by “adopting” the child of his wife by another man or by the child of a girl he picks up is pretty twisted and dysfunctional. It doesn’t sound to me that he is mature or responsible at all, but keeps trying to “save” first the ex wife, then the current GF with lots of going back and forth….
There are always “excuses” of why someone starts on pills, alcohol or street drugs….disappointments in life, etc. but they are still CHOICES and as far as our relationships go, your son has made some pretty “dramatic” and “dysfunctional” relationships I think, and I don’t see any functional ones that lasted very long.
I would suggest that you encourage him to get his own “sheet together” before he takes on trying to “save” someone else. It sounds like his first wife came from the same enabling, drama filled, “victim-rescuer-persecutor” back ground, with her mom feeding her pills.
Straightup,
Welcome. So sorry to hear you went through that. I know something about this, though, as I experienced the same thing myself. (Mine was married too, with one kid. I knew nothing about it. And believe it or not, we were actually “engaged.”) In any case, it’s been such a long time (half a decade, give or take), that I almost forget the grief I felt back then. But every time someone comes here with the same story, it reminds me how awful and hopeless it really was. Unfortunately, since mine was female (technically at least!) there wasn’t much I could do about it, other than call the husband. But after reading your story, I can only regret that there isn’t a good “old school” male in your family, who could go and beat this guy within an inch of his life! (Some things are worth going to jail for, Straightup.)
I know what a bad state you must be in right now. But as an immediate precaution, I would recommend getting a digital recorder in case he calls and makes more threats (put your cell on “speaker” and record the whole conversation); likewise, save any treatening e-mails or texts and take them to the police. “No Contact” is the best policy, but if you can get him quickly and without too much effort, then I say go for it.
He does sound like a sociopath. Aside from the major con of pretending he wasn’t married, the fact that he lied about his age by six years or whatever, is also a tell. Especially since there was probably no reason for it. (Sociopaths often lie where the truth would work better. – And the devil’s often found in the details….) At any rate, you probably got to the heart of the matter when you said, “No one but a sociopath could have done this.” It’s hard to say for sure with such sketchy details, but from what you’ve posted, I’m thinking your conclusion is very likely correct.
By the way, there is one thing that you wrote which is just plain off the mark. You said, “I don’t expect an apology. At least not soon.” Well, trust me, Straightup, you aren’t EVER going to get an apology! At least not one that has the slightest trace of sincerity or meaning. Indeed, he could never have done this in the first place, if he was EVEN REMOTELY CAPABLE OF REMORSE. To hope for anything good or real or human out of such an individual, means simply that some small part of you still hasn’t quite “gotten it.” (Though it sounds like the majority of you has – and that’s commendable this early on.) As time progresses, you will have even more “realizations” about the depth of his depravity. Really, for as bad as you think it is now, it is probably much worse than you suppose. With sociopaths, the reality is often not only worse than we imagine: it is worse than we CAN imagine.
Anyhow, as you’ve reminded me, it’s really horrid – what you’re going through. I don’t think anything hurts so much. By most people’s standards, I’m pretty tough and masculine. And yet that was the one time in my adult life when I cried (tears were running down my cheeks for many hours…) In fact, I’m quite certain that I wouldn’t wish such an experience on my worst enemy. (Well, I guess she IS my worst enemy, so I take that back!)
Nevertheless, it is kind of funny in retrospect (Comedy is just Tragedy plus Time): How utterly vile, disgusting and contemptible she now appears to me; and more importantly, how completely meaningless she has become to my life. In short – and with the perspective of half a decade – all I can do now is blush when I think that I actually wept over such a vapid monstrosity. (“Gollum with boobs”, as I like to think of her!) Yes, Straightup, some things you can just never live down.
That also reminds me. It used to be our “tradition” (since childhood, when we first met) that wherever we were in the world, we would always think of each other on Christmas Eve. Well, I guess I’m technically still fulfilling that. But only in the ironic sense, because now my thoughts are so indifferent, that I wouldn’t give a bucket of warm spit to save her life!
To add further irony, as I was typing the above (literally), I just got a text message from my current girlfriend (very good looking, by the way, completely out of the sociopath’s league!) saying, “Merry Christmas, my sweet C. – Lots of love.”
Haha, so the S. is still (I’m assuming) living her pathetic charade of a family life with no love on either side, and lots of fear and clinging and neurosis all around. And for my part, well, there’s no longer any question who got the better deal!
May it be the same for you, Straightup. It will take a long long time, but have no doubt that you will eventually find happiness again.
Merry Christmas to you and to all my other friends here.
C.
Merry Christmas Everyone. Wishing you peace, health and prosperity in 2012.
Ho ho ho, to you onesteprs!
who you callin’ a ho?!
snort.
all the best, hens – i hope that 2012 brings you more friends and love than you know what to do with.
Stargazer & Oxy: Yep, the more I think about it my son has always been out to save the felt he could help someone. I’m kind of like that, too. People have always approached me with their problems but I’ve never even considered developing a problem just like theirs! I might have had a similar one in the past or have once been in the same situation as that person which allows me to identify with them but if a friend of mine talks about a marital problem with me, I don’t suddenly decide that I have marital problems, too! And, I had an ex-brother-in-law who had a terrible drug problem that approached me to help him find a treatment center that would accept him without insurance but I didn’t suddenly decide that I needed to use drugs, too! My son has a younger first cousin on his father’s side that he fairly close to. The cousin just told me the other day that my son allows the women he are with to influence him too much. I agreed and now that I think about it, he allows ALL the WRONG people to influence him too much! I’ve often wondered over the years what happened to my son, the leader, that made him become such a follower. He was dang near the perfect kid until he hit his late teens. I kept waiting on that kid to come back but have finally just about given up.
And, I agree, I’m ALL over the place where he’s concerned. My gut tells me things and I share them with you all and then he tells me something that convinces me that my gut is wrong. But my gut is usually always right and every time I’ve ignored it, I’ve regretted it.
Tami, I agree, LISTEN TO YOUR GUT.
I am also a “fixer”—but it is not a good thing to be, and my pity for others is my down fall.
Sometimes Kids change at puberty and go down the wrong road, and your son seems to have been on that “wrong road” for quite some time now, most of his adult life.
HE is the only one that can get off that road and get on to the right one, and HE HAS TO DECIDE to do it….when you LIE DOWN WITH DOGS, YOU GET UP WITH FLEAS.
Whatever his emotional problems are, he is sleeping with the dogs, and he sure has the fleas, and the “self medication” with the alcohol and the drugs is not the answer, but JUST GETTING OFF THE DRUGS AND ALCOHOL is not the only answer either, he needs some therapy for the OTHER issues.
I wish you could save him, Tami, but you can’t save him, only he can…. Hope your Christmas day was merry!
Tami, you may be able to “save” your son from this woman, but it doesn’t fix his problem of being too dependent on others in general – in fact just the opposite – it enables him to shift his dependency from her back to you. And what happens next time? And the next? The fact that he waffles back and forth shows that he really has a hard time standing on his own two feet and making his own decisions. I stand by my previous statement that it does him a disservice to step in and try to save him. From an outside perspective, I think the healthy response would be to DEMONSTRATE healthy boundaries by saying to him: “I love you but as long as you are involved with a sociopath, I must distance myself, because it’s too toxic for me, and I need to take care of MYSELF.” I think showing him that YOU have boundaries may just jar him into thinking, “Wow, my mom is taking care of herself. Guess it’s up to ME to take care of myself.” Or it may not. Either way, you will stop enabling him, which is good for you. Otherwise, you will always be an escape valve for him when he screws up or can’t make a decision.
Straightup,
So he’s blaming you for his lies.
And then he’s going to come and try to get you back. He’ll deny it, or come up with some excuse, or pretend none of it ever happened.
He doesn’t want to give you up. BE WARNED.
You’re going to miss him and want him back, but you only think you do, because you fell in love with A FANTASY. When you look at WHO HE REALLY IS, you will want to THROW UP.
Keep the REAL DICKHEAD iIN YOUR MIND.
Welcome to LF.
Athena
Stargazer & Oxy,
LOL! Just gave a good friend of mine who is going through a mid-life crisis the SAME advice regarding paths to choose! Also, just told my husband earlier that I was going to have to save myself from this situation. My mother also called earlier and was telling me about spending time with my son and the spath on Christmas Eve. I tried to cut my mother off by telling her that I really didn’t want to hear anything that the spath had to say about anything because every word that came out of the girl’s mouth is a lie. Mom continued to talk. Said the spath was speaking well of me, told her that I’d bought my son a lot of really nice clothes for Christmas, commented that he was wearing one of the outfits, blah, blah, blah. That’s when I cut her off! I asked her WHY she was talking to me as though she was surprised that I would buy my son, HER grandson, nice clothes for Christmas when he was 31 years old and I had ALWAYS bought him nice clothes and Christmas gifts? She said she didn’t know and that she was just telling me what the girl said. I told her that I didn’t care what the girl said and called to my mother’s attention that she had spent a couple of hours around the girl and could tell that she had sucked her into her world far enough that after 31 years, even she was was acting surprised that I would be generous to my son! I reminded my mother that the reason this spath had cursed my husband and me and banned my son from talking to us was because we refused to give her any more money once we learned that it was being used for drugs and that she had accused me of putting money before my son. I reminded my mother that the girl had once had my husband and me convinced that her father was a greedy old man that put money before his loved ones and later learned from the father that it was simply because he had cut her off when he learned that she had a drug problem and then she had stolen money from him! So, of course, she has to keep the facade going by acting “surprised” that I would actually let go of my “greed” by buying my son gifts for Christmas and now I was hearing my own mother react with the same surprise! I asked my mom if she could NOW see how this girl twists things around in a way that she can manage to get people to doubt their own better judgement! My mom then stated that we were a small family and she really wished that I would bend a little in order for us to spend more family time together and stated the more that I tried to make my son “choose” between the gf and myself, the farther I was pushing him away! I reminded Mom that I wasn’t very pleased with my son’s ex-wife, but during the 10+ years that he was with her, I had never refused to spend family time with her. I told my mother that I just could NOT stomach the idea of even laying eyes on this girl because I know what she is. I reminded my mother that I am a people person and a very tolerant person and that the only other time in my life that I’d ever felt that I never wanted to lay eyes on someone was my ex spath husband. I told her that spaths have this kind of effect on a person. My mother then went onto to tell me that the spath had a new ultrasound of the baby that she had forgotten to bring her but said that the baby’s eyes were more visable in this one and that she believed it was going to have big eyes like my son and I have! The ultrasounds that she has been having are not the new 3-D ultrasounds but the old fashion ones where the babies all look like little aliens with huge eyes. It’s difficult to even FIND the baby in these things. I asked my mom to please sit up and take notice to how she has went overboard to tell us that the baby looks like my son from the time it was a tiny blob! Haven’t heard a single word about the baby having any traits of our own! My mother then asked me what I was going to do about my relationship with my son. I asked her what HE was going to do about his relationship with me? I told her that the best that I could hope for is that he realizes that he’s involved with a sociopath and rather than choosing to tune out her lies as he told me that he does, that he starts to see the adverse affect they are having on his family relationships. I then told my mother that I might be willing to spend more time with her (my mother) when she stops feeling sorry for this girl and allowing her to convince her that I am the problem! My parents are in their 70s and have a nice estate that is willed to my son and me. I’m sure my son has shared this info with the spath. I told mom that this girl was working her way towards that and if she or my step father get sick, to PLEASE not allow this girl to medicate or care for them just because she claims to be a nurse because one elderly person that she had hoped to cash in on had already suddenly fallen ill and passed away under her care! My mom said that was a pretty harsh statement on my part. I then asked my mom if she would trust her to take care of her. My mother’s answer was NO.