As human beings, we all want love and companionship in our lives. It’s a basic human need, right up there with the needs for food, water and shelter. When we are lacking an intimate relationship, most of us try to fill the empty space. That leads to dating.
Here is what you need to know about dating and predators.
1. Evil exists.
What the evil is called—psychopath, sociopath, antisocial personality disorder, narcissist—really doesn’t matter. There are evil people out there, and they can be found in all segments of society—rich, poor, male, female, all races, all religions, all communities. They look like everyone else, but they are predators.
2. If you are dating, you are a target.
As an unattached person, you’re probably feeling a bit lonely—that’s why you’re looking for dates. This is natural and understandable. What you need to realize is that predators specialize in targeting lonely people. They know exactly how to find this vulnerability and exploit it by seeming to take the loneliness away. They shower you with attention, flatter you and promise you a lifetime of happiness—exactly what you’re looking for.
3. Meeting people on the Internet is extremely dangerous.
Yes, there are normal people on dating sites. But there are also predators, and communicating via the computer you do not have the tools you need to spot them. Most of the true meaning of conversation comes from nonverbal cues—voice, facial expression and body language. None of that is available in an e-mail. So what do you do? You fill in the missing pieces with your imagination, and the person becomes what you want him or her to be. You fall in love with a fantasy. For more information, see Internet Threat and Online Seduction on Lovefraud.com.
4. Predators are often charming.
If you meet someone who is glib, charismatic and has a quick answer to every question, be aware that these traits may indicate excellent social skills—or a psychopath. Pay close attention to what is actually being said. Are there gaps or inconsistencies? Is the person evasive? Does the person change plans or break promises—and always has an excuse? If you’re nodding your head, proceed with caution. For more information, see Key Symptoms on Lovefraud.com.
5. Watch for the pity play.
According to Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, the best clue that you are dealing with a sociopath is an appeal to your sympathy. If you’re dealing with someone who tries to make you feel sorry for him or her, blaming other people or “the system” for his or her problems, consider it a warning that the person may be a sociopath. For more information, see The Pity Play on Lovefraud.com.
6. Predators are often great in bed.
Many people who were involved with sociopaths have told Lovefraud that the sex was amazing. Sociopaths are often skilled lovers for two reasons: First, with an excessive need for stimulation, they are hard-wired for sex. Second, they get a lot of practice, often with anyone who comes along. In reality, sociopaths want only two things: sex and power. They do not feel love.
7. Do not ignore red flags.
Maybe something seems wrong but you can’t put your finger on it. Perhaps there’s a nagging feeling in your gut. Pay attention. Do not let him or her explain away your doubts. Do not tell yourself he or she has gotten a raw deal and your love is the solution. To avoid becoming the victim of a predator, your instincts are your best defense.
Tami, bless your compassionate heart for coming back again and again to hear the stuff you don’t want to hear. lol Sounds like you’re getting deeper into the drama, now letting your mother’s agenda affect you. What you decide for yourself and what kind of boundaries you set for yourself are NOBODY else’s business but your own! Damn, girl, this is a family where everybody is up inside everybody’s business! You guys all need some boundaries! Your family members may not understand or accept your desire to have healthy boundaries. They will try to suck you into the drama. This is where you have to know what you want and stand by it. Honestly, a program like Alanon might be good for you. It will teach you to have healthy boundaries. And sorry if this sounds judgmental but from an outside perspective, a 31 year-old man should be able to buy his own clothes. Or his wife/gf can do it. It’s almost as if you are relating to him as though he were still a child.
You are such a compassionate person, but I don’t know if you know how to turn that compassion on yourself and take care of yourself first and foremost. It’s okay to stop mothering your son and let him be the adult that he is!
My best to you,
Star
I’ve always bought my step son and my son clothes for Christmas since they’ve been adults because neither of them would ever update their closets! My husband is the same way and he’s not even their father! I didn’t do anything differently this Christmas than I’ve ever done. And, the reason my family is all up in my business is because I’m an only child and my son is my mother’s only grandchild. WE are my mother’s primary focus. And, when it seems to her that my son is not MY primary focus, she tries to put me on guilt trips. This only child crap is for the birds…totally different set of family dynamics.
I have set more boundaries with my son lately than ever before and I’m continuing to set them…that’s why I’m getting so much flack. But, I think NOT buying my son the usual Christmas gift would have been a bit petty. This is not about pettiness, revenge or even anger. I did tell him NOT to bring the gf with him when he came to get his gifts. Oh, and my mother’s agenda doesn’t really affect me…just thought I’d share…she’s always been crazy. I don’t even answer the phone half the time when she calls…only answered yesterday because it was Christmas and I did have intentions of calling her and my step father to wish them a Merry Christmas. Normally, I would have spent Christmas Eve with them and my son but not this year…spent it with just my husband. And, yes, my mother was a bit upset when she learned earlier in the week that I would not be coming to her house but I stuck to my guns. I think I’ve made it pretty clear to my mom that this situation is not about ME and that she’s not going to persuade me to think any differently.
And, since the last post, I’ve decided that the healthiest thing I can do for myself is just not answer the phone when my mother or my son calls. I have voice mail on all of my lines so they can leave a message in the event of an emergency. So, I expect that my mother will start harping on my son next! It’s HIS drama so he should be the one that has to listen to my mother’s harping. Personally, I’m preparing for my vanity surgery next month and then a nice long vacation after my recovery. I’m also starting a business in the spring that I have to prepare for along with continuing to help my husband run HIS business…AND my husband and I are finishing up remodeling the rest of our house. I will need every ounce of energy I have just to focus on these things!
Hey tami, I knew you wouldn’t like my post too much. I tend to have rather strong opinions, and you can take them or leave them – I don’t mean to offend. I just wanted to give you a different perspective. A strong independent woman (who I imagine is the type of woman you’d like your son to meet) may not want to date a grown man whose mother still buys his clothes for him into adulthood. It hints of “mama’s boy”, and this can be a turn-off to a lot of women, depending on other behaviors, too, such as if he went running back to his mother other every time there was a problem in the relationship, or if he put his mother first in a lot of his decisions.
Even with just the clothing thing, sometimes a man’s wife or gf wants to be the one to shop for him and may feel like her toes are being stepped on if his mother cannot relinquish this role. I know if I were married, I would want to be the one to buy clothes for my man, especially since I have very good taste in clothes. I doubt I’d want to date a man whose mother still buys him clothes past his teenage/young adult age – it would be a yellow flag for me (but that’s just me). Of course, I’m still waiting to meet a man who has decent taste in clothes – there don’t seem to be too many straight men out there who can dress themselves. I agree that most of them seem to need help. LOL
However, this is just my opinion, and I may be the only one with this opinion, so please take it with a grain of salt.
Tami,
I too am an only child, (of my egg donor) and so I can relate to the only child problems, and with my egg donor taking over my sons as HER sons as well. Telling me how I have to treat them. LOL
The P DIL that my son C was married to also thought she had fallen into the bucks and was waiting around for the money to flow in….which of course in her case, it never would have until she was much older, so she got tired of waiting around and decided to take matters into her own hands and at least steal enough for a “new start” after she knocked off her husband, my son, C.
I think the Son’s GF is indeed planning to be the CAREGIVER of your mom and she has a pattern, which makes me think that your mom is in actual DANGER. The girl may drug or poison her and with her connections in the street drug world, probably can come up with the drugs. My DIL and the Trojan Horse used my mom’s own Rxs to drug her so she’d go to sleep and they could use the time in the bedroom while my son was at work.
Can I make a suggestion though? I would suggest that you DELAY your “vanity surgery” for some time because when you are under stress your body is more prone to infection and slower healing and it might cause some complications. The “vanity surgery” is NOT WITHOUT SIGNIFICANT RISKS….Take the vacation and get the stress levels down for a while before you undertake major surgery, and that IS MAJOR SURGERY.
Getting out of the drama-rama is a good idea as well. I too have a “small family” and I understand that when even one member is deleted it really gets small…but that’s okay. Small and peaceful is better than large and chaotic! MUCH BETTER!
Tami,
I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with buying him clothes. Women buy clothes for men. Mom’s, wives, gf’s all buy clothes for men. Without us, men would go naked. 🙂
Everything else though, they need to step up and grow up. Your son needs therapy and if I were you I would stop buying him anything until he gets therapy. If he can’t afford it, then put his christmas gift money into a fund for his therapy. It’s not a drug habit that is his problem, it’s his drama addiction.
Because of his drama addiction, your own mother’s life is in danger from that spath he is with. There are 2 things a spath looks for when hunting for prey: wealth and vulnerability. They look far into the family for any possible sources of money, but to find a vulnerability, they only have to look at our reactions to emotional outbursts. Do we participate, get involved, try to save, try to fix? If so, then they know they have a live target.
Your mom is in danger and I’m not sure there is anything you can do about it. You’ve warned her. Perhaps she needs to talk to the spath’s father. Taking away all the spaths sources of supply is the only way to get rid of her.
Tami, I hadn’t thought about talking to the spath’s dad and getting him to go visit your mother (if he will) because as long as your mom has the will made out to you and your son, the spath very well could harm or even murder your mom…you said she had been responsible you believed for a suspicious death with another elderly person that apparently was scammed….and she had thought she could “inherit” more.
This woman is dangerous and I think Sky’s suggestion to talk to the woman’s father and get him to talk to your mom might save your mom’s life.
If this weren’t a case of “physical” danger I wouldn’t even bother with it, but I think in this case it might be worth a shot at it.
My egg donor devalued and discarded me in favor of the psychopaths and it almost cost my son C his life….and I don’t doubt it would have been my life, her life and C’s life if I hadn’t gotten on to the scheme and run. I know it “sounds dramatic” but the only thing we can do is to try to show them evidence and if your mom won’t listen, at least you tried. I would also inform the cops before hand just in case.
Good luck and God bless.
Stargazer, Oxy, Syklar: LOL! Didn’t like your post? LOL! Hey, gal, you haven’t HEARD strong and opinionated until I get started. I’ve just been feeling a little “puny” lately as we say down here in the hills. My spunk is returning. And, it takes much MORE than your post to offend me, girlfriend. So don’t worry about it.
Trust me, this girl could care less if I buy my son clothes. She’d be thrilled if I met his every need because she wants every DIME he earns for herself. But, I know my son…he wants all of his money, too (evil grin). And, he WILL pay the rent, etc. because he KNOWS that nobody else is going to. She lost her job months ago and does NOTHING! He does EVERYTHING for her. At first, I thought she might be the kind of woman who thinks that being pregnant means being sick but no, she wasn’t pregnant when she was married to her ex, and her ex-mother-in-law told me that her own son worked full time, did all the housework, cooking and grocery shopping. History is repeating itself with my son. I’m also quite certain that it will be HIM that’s getting up for the middle of the night feedings and diaper changes pretty soon as well. But, that’s alright…let him get his belly full.
She’s FAR from strong and independent…has never paid her own bills in her life…her father told me that she has NEVER taken care of herself, always whined that she couldn’t find a job that paid enough so he sent her through nursing school thinking she’d no longer have that excuse. He told me that he’d NEVER give her money again. Well, Daddy is now giving her money again because she’s pregnant (and OH THE BABY!) and he knows that it’s taking everything my son earns to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table. Her father refers to the apartment they live in as a dump. She says she will NOT live there after the baby is born but plans not to work until the baby is at least a year old. The apartment is all that my son can afford. She has stated that she is certain that her father will buy HER a house after the baby is born because he will not want her and his grandchild living in a dump. And, I don’t doubt it. I think I’m learning a few things about this family. I believe that the only reason the father told my husband and me about her history is because he was angry and embarrassed that HIS daughter would ask someone else for money. So, to avoid embarrassment, he’ll just give it to her himself! And, referring to the apartment as a “dump”? He doesn’t seem to “get” that if people choose to spend all of their money on drugs, and choose not to work, then they have to live wherever they can afford. It’s not the nicest apartment in town but it’s mostly just old and it’s in a safe area. Actually, we don’t have any unsafe areas in our town. It’s been years since a murder and the few murders in the past have been domestic related.
And, I know my son well enough to know that he WILL expect her to work and help pay the bills AND help out around the house. He might be cutting her some slack because she’s pregnant right now but she’s in for a HUGE surprise after the baby is born. I AM a very strong and independent woman. He watched me go off to work for 30 years and I always earned more money than his father or my ex-husband. It was also ME who did most of housework, cut the grass, etc. and did it with a smile. His father was disabled and really wasn’t physically capable of doing a lot. As an only child who was raised on a farm, holding down a full time job, taking care of him and his brother, cutting the grass and housework was small potatoes for me. I even played softball for 31 years on two teams! Oh, how I’d love to have that kind of energy now. And, the boys were assigned chores as soon as they were old enough. As I stated before, my son has often said that I am the strongest woman he’s ever known and he’s always EXPECTED a woman to work the same as a man. I worked for a social justice non-profit for nearly 30 years and he grew up being exposed to those beliefs and values from the time he was 2 years old. He certainly does NOT view women as the weaker sex. He has always been close to my father’s side of the family which consists of only strong independent women…all of us worked for the same non-profit. He has NO desire to take care of an able bodied person…especially one that sits on her behind and demands the best! She’s in for a surprise.
He’s gained weight so I knew he could really use the clothes this Christmas, for sure…he has a dress code to follow for his job. I did notice that he ripped the tags off immediately after he tried on each item to make sure that it fit. I think he feared she might try to return what them and get the money! And, even my husband’s mother and sisters usually buy him and his twin brother shirts or jackets for Christmas…I’ve never given it a thought…less shopping for me! I detest shopping! I think it’s a little amusing that they still by them identical things although they are about to turn 52 years old! My husband and his brother find it humorous, as well. They are the only boys and their two sisters are several years older than them. They still see them as their “little” brothers. And, their mom and sisters still feel the need to buy them exactly the same thing as she did when they were children. We find it rather cute.
I spoke with my mother again later today…called HER to stress again to her what happened to the elderly aunt. It was weighing on my mind. My mother reminded me that when she, my step father and I met with the attorney to prepare their will that we put a clause in it that only a direct descendant of my son’s could inherit in the event that my son and I might pass away before my parents. All of us wanted to ensure that a husband couldn’t take my part from me in the event of a divorce nor a wife from my son in the event of a divorce. My son can’t sell his part without my agreement and I can’t sell mine without his. If either of us are deceased at the time of my parents’ death, then the other one gets everything. After the discussion, my mother and I were still left with some “what if” questions. She and I are going to meet with the attorney next week regarding our concerns. She’s now considering willing everything to me so I can have a nest egg in my golden years and will whatever is left it to my son if I see fit. Otherwise, she asked me to will it to a charity that we can both agree on. I jokingly told my mom that she MIGHT be setting me up for the kill someday! I asked my mom how we would convey this info to the girlfriend. She said that since she sits around and talks about everyone else’s money that she guessed she’d just announce it herself during a general conversation. Oh yeah, my mom told me that my stepfather had expressed some concerns to her about this girl being totally nuts today between our conversations and advised her that for once in her life, she’d better pay attention to the things I was telling her! I have a wonderful stepfather! He’s a very quiet and patient man but once he decides to speak, it’s very clear that he’s given what he has to say a lot of thought and he makes more sense than anyone in the family. He’s a listener and an observer.
Tami, that was exactly my point. This girl doesn’t care what you buy for your son. But a strong woman – the type you may wish for him – would want you to step back a little. This one is just a sociopath. She would as soon just take you for everything you have.
Have you ever read the book, “Die Broke”? It’s a new philosophy about “estates” and such that takes out the greed element of having an estate.
Yea, Tami, I’d get mom to an attorney ASAP! Also, make sure that the will or trust says that the child must be DNA tested in order to inherit….that adoption doesn’t even count, and appoint a bank or other person to over see any money that the child would inherit, rather than the mother or even your son.
Good luck!
Oh, got your point now, Stargazer! Yes! I DO wish that he had a strong woman. This gal’s idea of independence is dang near hilarious. She TALKS (lies) about how she’s a strong independent woman yet she expects everyone to give her THEIR money or receive everything for free! I once told her that I learned when I was a young girl that whoever has the money, has the power. I said this at a time when she kept talking about her father’s money and her wealthy aunt’s money. I told her that every person she expected to give her money had power and control over her. She made some off the wall statement about them not caring what she did with the money. I told her fine but what if THEY stopped giving it to her? She failed to tell me that she was STEALING it from them! She has a HUGE sense of entitlement. Feels that whatever is someone else’s is every bit as much HERS.
My son does, too, to a certain extent from being a little spoiled as a child but he certainly knows what’s mine is mine. And, when I think about it, I was more spoiled as a child with material things than my son ever dreamed of. You name it and I had it. My son heard NO much more than I did when I was growing up. I didn’t have the kind of money that my parents had when I was a kid nor was I trying to impress anyone like my mother has always tried to. I tried to buy him quality clothing and such but didn’t go overboard. He showed signs of being a talented musician by the time he was 4 years old and I guess I spent more money on musical instruments and merchandise than anything. He didn’t want toys…he wanted guitars, keyboards, drums, etc. and recording equipment. Expensive, yes, but somehow his father and I felt that we were encouraging his talent. Actually, he is a bit of a prodigy. He can pick up ANY instrument and just play it and has a beautiful voice. We have no idea WHERE this talent comes from…certainly not from me nor his father! His brother was the athlete and the video game addict. My son was actually a nerdy kid. He either had a book or a musical instrument in his hands…has never had any interest in performing but loves writing, composing, mixing and recording his own songs shut up in a room all by himself. He’s already complained that this girl won’t shut up and leave him alone long enough for him to write. Said he stayed up all night one night after she went to sleep because a jingle popped into his head that he wanted to get down before it left him. That’s the thing about musicians, they will NOT allow anyone to snuff it totally out. The man I married after his father was a musician and so is the man I am currently married to. When they slip into music mode…that’s the cue to disappear unless invited to listen.
Oxy, yes, I forgot to mention that we talked about the DNA test and that we’ve always heard that an adopted child could not be excluded from a will but we’re not sure about that law or if it would apply to a great grand parent. That’s a question for the lawyer. We also talked about appointing someone to over see the child’s inheritance but wondered who to appoint since anyone we know would probably be dead unless some of us meet an untimely death. I’m sure the attorney can advise us about that, too. She’s calling the attorney today…hopefully, he’ll be in this week…if not, we’ll have to wait to see him after the new year.