As human beings, we all want love and companionship in our lives. It’s a basic human need, right up there with the needs for food, water and shelter. When we are lacking an intimate relationship, most of us try to fill the empty space. That leads to dating.
Here is what you need to know about dating and predators.
1. Evil exists.
What the evil is called—psychopath, sociopath, antisocial personality disorder, narcissist—really doesn’t matter. There are evil people out there, and they can be found in all segments of society—rich, poor, male, female, all races, all religions, all communities. They look like everyone else, but they are predators.
2. If you are dating, you are a target.
As an unattached person, you’re probably feeling a bit lonely—that’s why you’re looking for dates. This is natural and understandable. What you need to realize is that predators specialize in targeting lonely people. They know exactly how to find this vulnerability and exploit it by seeming to take the loneliness away. They shower you with attention, flatter you and promise you a lifetime of happiness—exactly what you’re looking for.
3. Meeting people on the Internet is extremely dangerous.
Yes, there are normal people on dating sites. But there are also predators, and communicating via the computer you do not have the tools you need to spot them. Most of the true meaning of conversation comes from nonverbal cues—voice, facial expression and body language. None of that is available in an e-mail. So what do you do? You fill in the missing pieces with your imagination, and the person becomes what you want him or her to be. You fall in love with a fantasy. For more information, see Internet Threat and Online Seduction on Lovefraud.com.
4. Predators are often charming.
If you meet someone who is glib, charismatic and has a quick answer to every question, be aware that these traits may indicate excellent social skills—or a psychopath. Pay close attention to what is actually being said. Are there gaps or inconsistencies? Is the person evasive? Does the person change plans or break promises—and always has an excuse? If you’re nodding your head, proceed with caution. For more information, see Key Symptoms on Lovefraud.com.
5. Watch for the pity play.
According to Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, the best clue that you are dealing with a sociopath is an appeal to your sympathy. If you’re dealing with someone who tries to make you feel sorry for him or her, blaming other people or “the system” for his or her problems, consider it a warning that the person may be a sociopath. For more information, see The Pity Play on Lovefraud.com.
6. Predators are often great in bed.
Many people who were involved with sociopaths have told Lovefraud that the sex was amazing. Sociopaths are often skilled lovers for two reasons: First, with an excessive need for stimulation, they are hard-wired for sex. Second, they get a lot of practice, often with anyone who comes along. In reality, sociopaths want only two things: sex and power. They do not feel love.
7. Do not ignore red flags.
Maybe something seems wrong but you can’t put your finger on it. Perhaps there’s a nagging feeling in your gut. Pay attention. Do not let him or her explain away your doubts. Do not tell yourself he or she has gotten a raw deal and your love is the solution. To avoid becoming the victim of a predator, your instincts are your best defense.
Tami, I’m not sure about your state, but you can exclude someone with BLUE EYES if that’s your wish, (or in this case, your mother’s) in our state, the TRUST we set up really only goes into effect if I die before my mother, if she dies first, then the trust is turned over to me without any strings, I OWN IT OUT RIGHT….(her will is separate) but onlyy if I were to die before she does, then the LAND in the trust (the farm and 3 houses and the airport) go in a LIFE ESTATE 50:50 to the two bio sons. They can’t sell it, only use the income or live in the houses until they die. IF they have a child born in WEDLOCK and a natural child, then at THEIR deaths, the whole ball of wax is divided equally to the kid or kids and can be sold by those kids or whatever they want to do with it. So my sons only get the USE of the land and any income it produces.
At the time we made the trust we wanted to protect the farm in the event of all our deaths (my egg donor, step dad, me and my husband) from C’s wife and from Patrick if and when he gets out….but yet give them a place to live. Sort of a spend thrift provision. It never dawned on me that it would make Patrick decide that I needed to die before my mom does so that he would be assured of half interest in the farm. LOL If she dies first I can cut him out….and I will and he knows it.
A good estate planning attorney can tie the money up in such a way that your mom should be “safe” from the GF and your son’s interest protected after you are gone. It is pretty obvious to me that if he is able (ever) to access the entire estate that he will be conned out of it by some floosie if not this one. LOL So I would suggest that you put a “spend thrift” clause in there that will dole the money out so much a month rather than just give him access to the entire sums.
Banks, BTW over see estates all the time.
Good luck.
Not sure about my state nor the one I live in, either! LOL! Yeah, we’d kind of like to fix things the way your mom has hers. We’ve often discussed concern around my son receiving a large sum of money all at once because there will be some money involved in addition to the property. An airport! Cool! My husband is a pilot…we just visited what is referred to as a haunted airport not too far from us…rather interesting. Just thought I’d throw that in.
Yeah, my son would fool around a let some woman end up with all of it. Mom knows that I’d fight to the end but I still wanted HER to add a clause to protect me to save me a fight! We’ll just have to talk to the lawyer concerning the laws of the state and pick a bank that has been around a long time. A lot of banks in our area have closed but I guess they were the locally owned ones.
Tami, given your son’s social history and irresponsibility, I think leaving him a large chunk of money would be the equivalent of giving Lee Marvin’s character in Cat Balou the $50 all at once! LOL
The way ours is set up (and it cannot be changed) is that if my egg donor outlives me, the biological sons get that life estate….so my son Patrick decided that was the better option than letting my egg donor possibly die first and him not get a centavo, which is what would happen. I don’t think your son from what you say would be homicidal but I don’t think there is much doubt that the woman he is with would be (or possibly has been) My son C’s wife was definitely homicidal.
Funny thing, they had my egg donor so conned that she had put $50K into an account that myt DIL could have signed out every cent and fled and there would have been NOTHING MY EGG DONOR COULD HAVE DONE! Yet, she was so evil she wanted to only take half of the cash, to make it appear that she was leaving my son C and taking only HER HALF (Actually none was hers!) and he became violent and she and the trojan horse had to kill him to protect her! LOL If she hadn’t been so homicidal she could have at least walked off with a paid for car and $50K to start over and considering she had NOTHING except a kid in a wheel chair and one that was uncontrollable when she married my son, that would have been pretty good since my egg donor paid for the car, and even paid to bury her kid. It is amazing how some of them are so filled with rage that they will cut their noses off to spite their faces and end up losing everything in the process. God knows my son Patrick did.
I’m at least glad that your mom is listening, Tami. This woman needs to know that there is no way she is gonna get anything for decades, and even then not much! Looks like her father is enabling her…she is milking that baby before it is born. Poor kid. Bad genes and dysfunctional family besides the psychopathic mother.
You know, I made up my mind a while back that I am really GLAD that I have no biological offspring besides my 2 sons. I am so glad that neither of them has any children, but at the same time, if one of them were to have per chance a child, I will NOT get attached to the child and the fact that it would share some of my DNA is beside the point. To me, DNA no longer has any significance in my relationships.
Excellent point about the DNA. I might consider it important but only if this spath gf gives up all rights to it and never has any influence in its life but she’ll find a way to hang onto it as long as her father allows her to use it as her ticket into his wallet.
Oxy ~ I hear you loud and clear, I am also GLAD that neither of my biological offspring have had kids. The oldest and his wife are so busy making names for themselves in their respective careers, I can only imagine how a child would fit in there. Luckily, they realize that also and made the decision not to have kids.
The second and his wife would probably forget where they left the kid LOL !!!!!
I made the decision NOT to have a relationship with P/daughter’s girl child. I am NOT going to put myself in a position to raise ANOTHER one of hers. After being around the child for two hours on Christmas Eve, I KNOW that was the right decision. She is twice as hyper as Grand ever was at that age and is “raising” herself. I will not hesitate to turn her in to DCF if I felt it was necessary, but that is as far as I will go. Girl child’s father takes an active role and I trust he would not allow P to abuse this child, that is how it differs from Grand.
I thought it would be difficult to be around this child without having some sort of “grandparent” feelings for her, but I don’t. I treat her like I would a neighbor or friend’s child. I bought her an appropriate gift for Christmas – a battery operated, ride on, pink POLICE MOTORCYCLE – complete with a VERY loud SIREN. She refused to turn off the siren the entire 2 hours we were there. I LOVED IT !!!! I am SO BAD. It was driving mommie dearest absolutely crazy !!!!
Anyways – I understand.
I found the following read very good:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201106/how-spot-narcissist
Happy rest of the week everyone…
Blessings.
Dupey
Thank you all for this wonderful discussion. I haven’t read the first 3 pages, but pages 4-7 REALLY hit home for me.
In particular, the following written by skylar REALLY describes my dynamic:
“Whether the son is a spath or not, he is behaving in all the ways that create the same kind of drama spath victims are subjected to.
…your son is yoyoing you. One moment, he is insightful and considerate of you, praising you as the best mom and the next he seems to blaming you and attacking your behavior. This keeps you on the rollercoaster ride. You are experiencing lovebombing alternated with devaluing. Furthermore, he keeps you INVESTED in this drama because you love him”
and
Spaths “come in different flavors, but there are some red flags that you can count on. Expecting others to assume responsibility for them is a huge one. Drama is another large one.”
This is a dynamic I have experienced in my FOO since birth. Ugh. Lack of boundaries, drama, triangulation, enmeshment, codependence, toxic bonding: the whole thing, yup, that’s IT! Named & Claimed!
Another homerun from Oxy & Stargazer:
“Star, your advice I think is very well said and valid and I agree with it 110%”it IS LIKE CUTTING OFF AN ARM to get out of the TRIANGLE OF PAIN, and with people you love, but realizing that we cannot “save” them from the consequences of their poor choices and are NOT RESPONSIBLE for saving them from those choices, it makes it easier to let go what is NOT our responsibility.”
Step by step, I’m extricating myself from the drama, I’m gray rocking & detaching where I can, more and more each day.
Tami, I wish you all the best.
Thank you and Bless you ALL for a very, very enlightening & validating discussion.
Clair I am glad that the discussion helped you. That is the thing when we post something it is here years and months later. Someone who was not even involved in that conversation can still get something out of things we said months and months ago.
Keep on reading and learning, there are 700+ articles here, not sure how many exactly as that was probably a year ago so any subject is about covered. Knowledge is power and when we learn we take back more of our power!
Thank you, Oxy!!!
Yes, 700+ articles! My only problem is ocular migraines from reading the computer screen & sitting for hours on my already fat derriere, lol!
Love to all of you,
clair
Well, clair print them out and read them that way and get rid of the migraines.