As human beings, we all want love and companionship in our lives. It’s a basic human need, right up there with the needs for food, water and shelter. When we are lacking an intimate relationship, most of us try to fill the empty space. That leads to dating.
Here is what you need to know about dating and predators.
1. Evil exists.
What the evil is called—psychopath, sociopath, antisocial personality disorder, narcissist—really doesn’t matter. There are evil people out there, and they can be found in all segments of society—rich, poor, male, female, all races, all religions, all communities. They look like everyone else, but they are predators.
2. If you are dating, you are a target.
As an unattached person, you’re probably feeling a bit lonely—that’s why you’re looking for dates. This is natural and understandable. What you need to realize is that predators specialize in targeting lonely people. They know exactly how to find this vulnerability and exploit it by seeming to take the loneliness away. They shower you with attention, flatter you and promise you a lifetime of happiness—exactly what you’re looking for.
3. Meeting people on the Internet is extremely dangerous.
Yes, there are normal people on dating sites. But there are also predators, and communicating via the computer you do not have the tools you need to spot them. Most of the true meaning of conversation comes from nonverbal cues—voice, facial expression and body language. None of that is available in an e-mail. So what do you do? You fill in the missing pieces with your imagination, and the person becomes what you want him or her to be. You fall in love with a fantasy. For more information, see Internet Threat and Online Seduction on Lovefraud.com.
4. Predators are often charming.
If you meet someone who is glib, charismatic and has a quick answer to every question, be aware that these traits may indicate excellent social skills—or a psychopath. Pay close attention to what is actually being said. Are there gaps or inconsistencies? Is the person evasive? Does the person change plans or break promises—and always has an excuse? If you’re nodding your head, proceed with caution. For more information, see Key Symptoms on Lovefraud.com.
5. Watch for the pity play.
According to Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, the best clue that you are dealing with a sociopath is an appeal to your sympathy. If you’re dealing with someone who tries to make you feel sorry for him or her, blaming other people or “the system” for his or her problems, consider it a warning that the person may be a sociopath. For more information, see The Pity Play on Lovefraud.com.
6. Predators are often great in bed.
Many people who were involved with sociopaths have told Lovefraud that the sex was amazing. Sociopaths are often skilled lovers for two reasons: First, with an excessive need for stimulation, they are hard-wired for sex. Second, they get a lot of practice, often with anyone who comes along. In reality, sociopaths want only two things: sex and power. They do not feel love.
7. Do not ignore red flags.
Maybe something seems wrong but you can’t put your finger on it. Perhaps there’s a nagging feeling in your gut. Pay attention. Do not let him or her explain away your doubts. Do not tell yourself he or she has gotten a raw deal and your love is the solution. To avoid becoming the victim of a predator, your instincts are your best defense.
I’m glad clair brought up this thread/discussion. I’ve been thinking about Tami and wonder how things turned out. I wonder if the child was her sons.
Thinking of you Tami.
Yea, Milo, I had forgotten about her situation….remember now. That is the worst part about LF is when people go away and you never know the rest of the story. LOL I like it when people pop back in and tell us how they are doing.
Oxy,
I will print this out cuz it’s a keeper. I have an image of the dysfunctional family roller coaster: weeeeeeeeeeee, up, down, round n’ round, over & over & over again.
Hi MiLo,
This discussion ended about 3 months ago. Hopefully Tami will return.
Tami: I really relate to the relationship dynamics in your family.
Clair,
thanks for reminding us of this thread and of Tami. The LF community was cohesive in our advice to her. We all saw things very similarly. But it seemed like Tami didn’t, perhaps because it’s more difficult when we are talking about people we love, to see them as manipulative.
I wish I knew how things turned out too.
Hi Guys….
I didnt want to hijack a thread…..so i brought back this one to post what happened tonight.
I got a call from my GF, the one who (some may recall) her ex husband was hanging out on 2nd street getting sex from crack addicts in his car…..regularly…..
So….that was a few years ago…..and she’s starting to put her toe into the dating pool again. (NOT online or anything…..) LOL!
So, she meets a guy at her business…..he takes her out for a drink and dinner……her first impression was….he was a narcissist….then she started doubting herself.
She saw him again.
I asked her his background…..and she said, that he was a single father of three teenage daughters, his ex wife had left when the youngest was born….said she didn’t want this kinda life as a mother…..yadayada….
He went on about the ex’s parents helping him raise the youngens and they cut her out of their life.
Had this big bravado story.
So, tonight she called me, she saw him again last night. He really IS a nice guy and when she was alone with him at dinner, he showed his softer side.
*Sigh*
He has a very prominent job in her town….VERY prominent and public position. He’s been in town from Tx for 2 years now.
Something tonight made her google him……
(He had mentioned his ex’s name on their first meeting, and she took note).
THEY OWN A HOUSE TOGETHER……
So, she called me and wanted to do an ‘Erin’ on him…..we spent a few minutes.
First search came a photo of him and wifey at an event…..2 years ago, before they left TX.
Next came all the rest…….
So…..I called him and asked for the wife…..he paused and asked who this was…..I said “kathy’……and he paused…..and said…OH “KATHY SMITH”……I said YEAH…. (yeah….that’s it, Kathy Smith! 🙂 ).
He said, well i’m in xx on business and she’s in TX with the girls….I siad, is everything okay “Joe”, are you two still together? He said, oh yes, im just travelling on business.
SPIT!!!!!!
Now heres my GF thinking…..all MEN SUCK!!!!
She’s meeting him at a restaurant next week……I’m gonna be there first to chat him up in the bar.
She’s reeling with the how/what/why’s…..I told her….It doesn’t matter, he will make it up as he goes. He doesn’t care about my gf….it’s all about HIM!
He went into so much ‘detail’ about his honorable raising of his children alone…..and this little B&B in an ‘out of the way’ place which has million thread count sheets, planting seeds in my gf’s head. Mirroring what she said to him……
he’s a nice guy, little details matter etc……
We got off the phone tonight confirmed…..when we date…..just do a bit of background, take notes on details and match em up.
Go with your gut, stick with your instincts and never question yourself!!!
There is so much to learn!!!!
Good work EB!
yep, the red flags ARE NEVER WRONG!
to quote Ana, “NEVAH!”
You had me at “he was a narcissist.” Of course he was. Nobody who isn’t an N, seems like an N. Next, the only question is how pathological is he? Seems like you found out.
It’s really important to realize that once we’ve had contact with N’s we WILL continue to be attracted to them. It will take some very careful examination of ourselves to understand why that is.
In essence, I’d say that we, as former victims, tend to weed out the GOOD GUYS and gravitate toward what is familiar: Drama!
If we can’t change how we feel, we at least be cognizant of it and make decisions on what we KNOW instead of how we feel.
EB, watch out for his excuses. He will say that he didn’t want to talk about his personal life with Kathy Smith and that’s why he lied… to Kathy Smith.
He won’t have a clue…..I was the “kathy Smith’……
He was caught off guard….he was in a TAXI across the country…..just arrived…..that’s why he offered me a “LAST NAME”…..lol!
I just said I needed to talk to wifey about something for tomorrow.
I talked fast and hit hard…..He had no clue…..
He’s none the wiser…..plus, he’s proly already got his trist set up in the hotel when he arrives there and that’s where his mind was! YA know…..
STICK WITH WHAT we KNOW……
If we do that…..we’ll be okay!
What a douche……I just wanta fuck with him!!!!
I hate dudes that think they can get away with hurting people…..wtf……this is how he’s teaching his daughters it’s okay to be treated…….
I say….he’s got a lesson coming his way!!! “:)
DOUCHE!!!!
Good work, EB.
How does your GF feel? If it was me, my skin would be crawling. As much as I’d like to find a nice guy, I feel I can’t trust any more.
If it were me, I’d just cancel next week & let the whole thing die because, here’s my fear: if you show him you’re on to him, who knows what he might do. But, on the other hand, if you don’t let him know that you’re on to him, he could do this to other women. However, if he’s an N/SP, he’ll probably keep doing this to women, whether you let him know or not. Ugh. I hate Ns/Sps, such evil SOBs who put us in such dilemmas.
As skylar implied, I feel my ‘people picker’ is out of wack & I’m afraid I’ll pick another N/SP. I suppose this is why it’s best to proceed slowly because eventually, people’s true colors will be revealed. But, for me, I feel it will be negative reinforcement if it’s later revealed that I picked another N/SP. So, for now, I am a hard shelled hermit, an island, lonely at times, but free.
Rambling on for a moment: I was recently reading about Ns/SPs/bullies & they said they chose their victim because they perceived their victim to be vulnerable. I don’t want these jerks to perceive me as vulnerable, thus, my hard shelled hermit act, but damn, it can be lonely.
Anyway, would love to hear how it goes next week, EB. Good luck & please be careful.
Clair,
My gf is creeped out and pissed off.
It’s principal!!!
The stories he told her…….as if he could never ever be exposed…..WTF?!?!?
Like no one talks…….
Well…..we just want to shatter that elusion.
Haven’t decided how we will do it……but meeting him as a stranger waiting for my gf to arrive is a not so bad idea. He’s either gonna hit on me, or answer my inquisitive quetions about his family/job etc……either way, he’ll be BUSTED!!!!
He’ll wiggle nicely once she walks in and is apparant SHE’S the friend I was waiting for. HAHAHAHAH!
He doesn’t worry me…….these douche’s deserve to be outed!!!!
I’d like to bring his wife along too……..
EB ~ LOVE IT – LOVE IT -LOVE IT – you are my idol.
I see a new business venture – ErinBrock, PPP (Personal People Picker)