As human beings, we all want love and companionship in our lives. It’s a basic human need, right up there with the needs for food, water and shelter. When we are lacking an intimate relationship, most of us try to fill the empty space. That leads to dating.
Here is what you need to know about dating and predators.
1. Evil exists.
What the evil is called—psychopath, sociopath, antisocial personality disorder, narcissist—really doesn’t matter. There are evil people out there, and they can be found in all segments of society—rich, poor, male, female, all races, all religions, all communities. They look like everyone else, but they are predators.
2. If you are dating, you are a target.
As an unattached person, you’re probably feeling a bit lonely—that’s why you’re looking for dates. This is natural and understandable. What you need to realize is that predators specialize in targeting lonely people. They know exactly how to find this vulnerability and exploit it by seeming to take the loneliness away. They shower you with attention, flatter you and promise you a lifetime of happiness—exactly what you’re looking for.
3. Meeting people on the Internet is extremely dangerous.
Yes, there are normal people on dating sites. But there are also predators, and communicating via the computer you do not have the tools you need to spot them. Most of the true meaning of conversation comes from nonverbal cues—voice, facial expression and body language. None of that is available in an e-mail. So what do you do? You fill in the missing pieces with your imagination, and the person becomes what you want him or her to be. You fall in love with a fantasy. For more information, see Internet Threat and Online Seduction on Lovefraud.com.
4. Predators are often charming.
If you meet someone who is glib, charismatic and has a quick answer to every question, be aware that these traits may indicate excellent social skills—or a psychopath. Pay close attention to what is actually being said. Are there gaps or inconsistencies? Is the person evasive? Does the person change plans or break promises—and always has an excuse? If you’re nodding your head, proceed with caution. For more information, see Key Symptoms on Lovefraud.com.
5. Watch for the pity play.
According to Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, the best clue that you are dealing with a sociopath is an appeal to your sympathy. If you’re dealing with someone who tries to make you feel sorry for him or her, blaming other people or “the system” for his or her problems, consider it a warning that the person may be a sociopath. For more information, see The Pity Play on Lovefraud.com.
6. Predators are often great in bed.
Many people who were involved with sociopaths have told Lovefraud that the sex was amazing. Sociopaths are often skilled lovers for two reasons: First, with an excessive need for stimulation, they are hard-wired for sex. Second, they get a lot of practice, often with anyone who comes along. In reality, sociopaths want only two things: sex and power. They do not feel love.
7. Do not ignore red flags.
Maybe something seems wrong but you can’t put your finger on it. Perhaps there’s a nagging feeling in your gut. Pay attention. Do not let him or her explain away your doubts. Do not tell yourself he or she has gotten a raw deal and your love is the solution. To avoid becoming the victim of a predator, your instincts are your best defense.
OMG….you guys CRACK ME UP!!!
OKAY…..so I must dryclean the trench coat and polish up the red stelletos……EB’s going in and it sounds like I have to take my ‘alter ego’ friend MTP cuz she always comes out with the red stelletos! 🙂
Yep…..I do have TWO recorders……one at home and one for the purse, digi cameras also. At one point they were my BEST friends!!! 🙂
Going shopping and to the range today with the kiddlings……I’ll have to put red lipstick on the list also. Maybe we’ll make that the first stop and I can wear it at the range as I practice my shot. A women in red is always a better shot!
BBE…..I get the dilema. We’ve all faced it. Bigger folks than me can walk away…….I didn’t want to live with the coulda/shoulda/woulda and had dead kids or harm come to us. So my aproach was to OVERCOME him with his own shit…….that is where the ‘backspath’ came in.
After all……if it’s good for him…….I may as well give it back right?
This doesn’t fit all situations and we need to have discernment to know when it’ll work and when it’ll back fire.
It does offer (us or our ego) some sort of satisfaction…….and in some cases I believe it allows the healing to move forward.
This happened to my gf……one of my besties, who was there tooth and nail for me in the trenches. She knows the “Erin’ side of me and walked the path…..all of it, as I did her.
This is my gf who put a tracker on her husbands car, I would watch it on the computer as I gave her directions to the motel parking lot he was meeting the crack whores. Her and I sat in that same parking lot waiting for his arrival one time.
When I would go to my rental (where spath was living) when spath was working by her house……she would sit at the top of the hill, on the phone with me to make sure his car didn’t move and I had time to get in and out of the house safely.
We had some fun and bonding recon times……and they went BOTH ways.
She is someone who’s been there for me, and ‘gets’ it’…….
WE both get some laughs about the things we did to fact find.
I think the wife needs to know……and what she does with the info is her deal. She doesn’t need to know where the info came from……..but she deserves to know. I think we’d of all liked to of had a heads up……and maybe we wouldn’t have done anything at that moment, but there is a moment that will come where that info will surface again and it will make her decision easier.
I’ll let my gf decide how she wants to aproach this…….
BUT……HE WILL BE EXPOSED!!!!
So…..EB’s running out the door, dressed in lace and my black trench…..library glasses and red stelletos…….heading off to the range for a little target practice.
Hope I don’t break an ankle!!! 🙂
BBE,
It depends on what I was told and by whom.
If somebody I didn’t know simply told me that my spath was cheating, I would have to laugh. Not my spath, he’s a “one woman man” and he LOVES ME!
pthththtth.
But, if my parents had told me what they overheard him say, that would have been different. I would have believed them. (excuse me while I puke)
If I had been presented with video or audio evidence of his actual behavior, I would have taken it at face value.
Also, it isn’t necessarily a person’s immediate reaction to the information, that is important. She may initially go into denial. But as time progresses, the spaths will continue to show red flags. Now, in the light of the previous evidence, those red flags take on a new meaning. Now, instead of putting them in our WTF? bucket, we begin to see the real picture.
I’m not saying that we should take responsibility for her reaction to the information. I’m just saying that we should have enough compassion for her to make that information available to her and she can take responsibility for her reaction to it. It’s only fair.
You guys are TOOOOO much! I laughed and laughed at the visuals of EB in her trench coat and hiiiiii heels! LOL That is just too wicked, but I think the wife deserves to get the information and what she does with it, or if she already knows, then it is her responsibility, what she does with it from then on.
A GF of mine dated a guy who HAD been married, and he had cheated and brought home an STD to his wife, she had NO idea until then and he had to tell her…and he was a DOCTOR. LOL Well, she “made him” go to counseling and so on and of course he still continued to cheat….but the thing is if this guy is dipping his wick in one extra place, he has done it before and will do it again and he isn’t going home and wearing a condom. This woman DESERVES to know what she is dealing with, it is a matter of potentially life threatening STDs, not only HIV but HPV and several Hep viruses and so on.
When you are playing roulette with your body, even if you use “safe-r” sexual practices there are still “accidents” and condoms don’t protect you for ALL STDs.
Louise;
When you call someone YOU are in control. think about how you answer the phone……expecting to hear something, not knowing what the caller wants…….the caller is in control. Use that control in your voice. be assured and make that call knowing what you want to achieve.
Pick a name……everyone knows a kathy……and usually the response is……they provide the last name for you.
If you choose an uncommon name, it alerts them and they hang up.
If he didn’t know a kathy or prodded for more info. I woulda bsed my way along. But I didn’t need to.
If all goes awray……you can always hang up! done.
Always call dialing *67……it blocks your number.
*67 777 7777.
I can’t tell you how much info i’ve gained making random calls from spaths phone bill……I got all his drug clientelle by name and phone numbers.
It’s easy…….just take charge and most will follow!
Now….think of this in reverse……if you were the random callee.
DON’T say hello more than once. If no one is there…..hang up! If someone calls you and doesn’t speak…..hang up!
Don’t give any info over the phone……NOTHING.
When someone says I’ll take your number and have xx call you…….they are not buying it…..hang up.
I can’t tell you how many times you can call someone and they say…..Hello……..Hello……..Helloooooooooooo….then hang on the phone STILL waiting for someoen to speak.
“BBE”..I get the dilema. We’ve all faced it. Bigger folks than me can walk away””
EB;
I believe that interactions with Narcissists and Sociopaths are such that their very nature is triggering, therefore difficult to let go of.
A couple of months back, while getting ready for a trip to Prague, I went on an international gay dating site to perhaps see if there was anyone interested in a meet-up as the first half of my trip I would be alone.
Of course I had to see if my x-spath had a profile on the site and sure enough he does. Typical of him, not of the details are correct, location wrong, uses younger picture… And his is very, very active on the site. So, I stayed away from it.
However, seeing that profile and all its lies was very triggering, to the extent that part of me wants to create a dummy profile, work him a bit, then out him. At least indirectly I would get some satisfaction and it would set him off knowing that despite his best efforts at hiding so as play his game, he was caught at it.
Skylar;
Regarding the wife, it is a very tough call. Certainly, at some point she is either going to get hurt or years from now come to the same realization as you. Maybe then, the sooner the better…
BBE, why in God’s name are you still on “dating sites” on line? I do NOT get it that you still fish in these sewers unless you are looking for a piece of shiat! After all that has been shown here on LF and after the bad experiences you have already had you would still try to find “love” on line! I won’t say any more about this but just had to express my opinion on this one BBE!
EB, some good advice about being in “control” on a call. When someone calls me and says “who is this?” I will only reply, “who are you trying to reach?” If they don’t know, or don’t say my name or D’s name then I say “you’ve reached a wrong number” and hang up. I don’t give out information. ANY information over the phone.
I too have used your tactics to GET information and it works like a charm most of the time.
Ox;
It was just for the Prague trip to see what the people were like and maybe meet somebody to meet-up and have a beer. I never did meet anybody from it in person.
Perhaps the very fact that the x-spath was there with his profile full of lies was enough to make me think twice, lol!
BBE, every time you see another one of his lying profiles you get triggered again! LOL You’d think he would have sense enough to not keep using the “younger” photograph if he intends to actually MEET these people, they are going to know it is a lie! LOL