As human beings, we all want love and companionship in our lives. It’s a basic human need, right up there with the needs for food, water and shelter. When we are lacking an intimate relationship, most of us try to fill the empty space. That leads to dating.
Here is what you need to know about dating and predators.
1. Evil exists.
What the evil is called—psychopath, sociopath, antisocial personality disorder, narcissist—really doesn’t matter. There are evil people out there, and they can be found in all segments of society—rich, poor, male, female, all races, all religions, all communities. They look like everyone else, but they are predators.
2. If you are dating, you are a target.
As an unattached person, you’re probably feeling a bit lonely—that’s why you’re looking for dates. This is natural and understandable. What you need to realize is that predators specialize in targeting lonely people. They know exactly how to find this vulnerability and exploit it by seeming to take the loneliness away. They shower you with attention, flatter you and promise you a lifetime of happiness—exactly what you’re looking for.
3. Meeting people on the Internet is extremely dangerous.
Yes, there are normal people on dating sites. But there are also predators, and communicating via the computer you do not have the tools you need to spot them. Most of the true meaning of conversation comes from nonverbal cues—voice, facial expression and body language. None of that is available in an e-mail. So what do you do? You fill in the missing pieces with your imagination, and the person becomes what you want him or her to be. You fall in love with a fantasy. For more information, see Internet Threat and Online Seduction on Lovefraud.com.
4. Predators are often charming.
If you meet someone who is glib, charismatic and has a quick answer to every question, be aware that these traits may indicate excellent social skills—or a psychopath. Pay close attention to what is actually being said. Are there gaps or inconsistencies? Is the person evasive? Does the person change plans or break promises—and always has an excuse? If you’re nodding your head, proceed with caution. For more information, see Key Symptoms on Lovefraud.com.
5. Watch for the pity play.
According to Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, the best clue that you are dealing with a sociopath is an appeal to your sympathy. If you’re dealing with someone who tries to make you feel sorry for him or her, blaming other people or “the system” for his or her problems, consider it a warning that the person may be a sociopath. For more information, see The Pity Play on Lovefraud.com.
6. Predators are often great in bed.
Many people who were involved with sociopaths have told Lovefraud that the sex was amazing. Sociopaths are often skilled lovers for two reasons: First, with an excessive need for stimulation, they are hard-wired for sex. Second, they get a lot of practice, often with anyone who comes along. In reality, sociopaths want only two things: sex and power. They do not feel love.
7. Do not ignore red flags.
Maybe something seems wrong but you can’t put your finger on it. Perhaps there’s a nagging feeling in your gut. Pay attention. Do not let him or her explain away your doubts. Do not tell yourself he or she has gotten a raw deal and your love is the solution. To avoid becoming the victim of a predator, your instincts are your best defense.
woundlicker
Thank you for the book suggestion. I’m going to check that one out! 🙂
clair
Hi skylar, Libragirl & woundlicker,
Might have been me who recommended “Healing the Shame that Binds You” by John Bradshaw. I’m a huge fan of Bradshaw; reading his stuff really helped me heal. If you google “John Bradshaw”, you can find videos of his lectures on youtube. Two other great books of his: “Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem” and “Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child”.
I know what it’s liked to get kicked in the teeth by the SP, in spite of all the good things you’ve done for them. That left me with a huge sense of betrayal. Also agree with skylar re: “not only is the kindness not reciprocated but in fact it is paid back with evil.” It’s very mind blowing, hurtful and painful.
woundlicker: here’s what I’ve experienced with finding the right T: 1st, ask them if they’ve treated people who have been victimized by spaths. Also, follow you gut: if you don’t think a T is helping you, isn’t validating you or doesn’t understand your issues, find another one. It can be a lot of hit and miss and it may take a few sessions before you know. It is a pain in the azz to change Ts and look for a new one, but once I found the right T, I healed much faster.
woundlicker
Clair, I really appreciate the advice. I will read up on your suggestions because I know how much reading has already helped. I just sort of feel like I’m stuck now in my healing, like treading water.
And I will ask any therapist if they have experience first with spaths.
God bless!!
Frandee
Mine was NOT great in bed, he barely had anything to work with and he couln’t maintain any type of an erection!! but I was “in love” and wanted to make it work, when I brought this up he laughed it off saying some girls said he was to big…. haaaa yeah right!!
IMconfused
SUZEE,
Those who possibly said he was too big were likely in love with the thought of him too! What did you say/do to keep him from feeling badly about his “tooling”? (Lol)
If you are “normal” you likely don’t make issues about something that is beyond someone else’s control…especially if you care about that person.
Mine has the equipment, but sex with him…so far twice this year…or was it just once?
How strange, I used to think I was very good at math…actually was…but seem to have a problem counting “little” numbers! (grin)
skylar
suzee and I’m confused,
hate to break it to you but spaths always have a seed of truth in their lies. The ones who thought he was too big were girls under 12.
Louise
skylar:
Good catch on that one…I bet that’s exactly what was happening…
Louise
How about the guy in Texas who just killed the guy with his bare hands who was molesting his five year old little girl?
skylar
Thanks Louise,
Some people might have thought I was joking.
Louise
skylar:
I knew you weren’t joking. I remember you talking about your spath and the 12 year old native American girls…