As human beings, we all want love and companionship in our lives. It’s a basic human need, right up there with the needs for food, water and shelter. When we are lacking an intimate relationship, most of us try to fill the empty space. That leads to dating.
Here is what you need to know about dating and predators.
1. Evil exists.
What the evil is called—psychopath, sociopath, antisocial personality disorder, narcissist—really doesn’t matter. There are evil people out there, and they can be found in all segments of society—rich, poor, male, female, all races, all religions, all communities. They look like everyone else, but they are predators.
2. If you are dating, you are a target.
As an unattached person, you’re probably feeling a bit lonely—that’s why you’re looking for dates. This is natural and understandable. What you need to realize is that predators specialize in targeting lonely people. They know exactly how to find this vulnerability and exploit it by seeming to take the loneliness away. They shower you with attention, flatter you and promise you a lifetime of happiness—exactly what you’re looking for.
3. Meeting people on the Internet is extremely dangerous.
Yes, there are normal people on dating sites. But there are also predators, and communicating via the computer you do not have the tools you need to spot them. Most of the true meaning of conversation comes from nonverbal cues—voice, facial expression and body language. None of that is available in an e-mail. So what do you do? You fill in the missing pieces with your imagination, and the person becomes what you want him or her to be. You fall in love with a fantasy. For more information, see Internet Threat and Online Seduction on Lovefraud.com.
4. Predators are often charming.
If you meet someone who is glib, charismatic and has a quick answer to every question, be aware that these traits may indicate excellent social skills—or a psychopath. Pay close attention to what is actually being said. Are there gaps or inconsistencies? Is the person evasive? Does the person change plans or break promises—and always has an excuse? If you’re nodding your head, proceed with caution. For more information, see Key Symptoms on Lovefraud.com.
5. Watch for the pity play.
According to Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, the best clue that you are dealing with a sociopath is an appeal to your sympathy. If you’re dealing with someone who tries to make you feel sorry for him or her, blaming other people or “the system” for his or her problems, consider it a warning that the person may be a sociopath. For more information, see The Pity Play on Lovefraud.com.
6. Predators are often great in bed.
Many people who were involved with sociopaths have told Lovefraud that the sex was amazing. Sociopaths are often skilled lovers for two reasons: First, with an excessive need for stimulation, they are hard-wired for sex. Second, they get a lot of practice, often with anyone who comes along. In reality, sociopaths want only two things: sex and power. They do not feel love.
7. Do not ignore red flags.
Maybe something seems wrong but you can’t put your finger on it. Perhaps there’s a nagging feeling in your gut. Pay attention. Do not let him or her explain away your doubts. Do not tell yourself he or she has gotten a raw deal and your love is the solution. To avoid becoming the victim of a predator, your instincts are your best defense.
BBE:
I know…we will never figure them out. Never. Sometimes my head wants to explode and I find that keeping busy doesn’t help me. He’s still there…
Louise;
In regards to this specific incident, one friend though he was clearly a flake, another thought he was involved with another flight attendant. This “advice” was from other gay men. The third cam from a straight woman who was also happened to be dating a British guy. She was the one who advised me to slow down little.
I basically dismissed the friend who told me he was a “flake,” even though this was true. I also paid very close to my phone conversations with the x-spath and was relieved when he stayed on the phone with me until almost 3 AM, indicating he was not having sex with another flight attendant.
In conversation the next morning, the x-spath further relieved me when he told me that his next flight had a longer layover and since he had more time, he would come stay by me. I took pressure off by saying no sex, cuddles only.
To this day, I believe this all ties into him hiding his HIV status. He was afraid to have me come to his hotel as maybe I snoop around and find medications. With him staying at my place, he did not have to worry about this since it was only one night…
ive been dealing with a horrendous sociopath for many years now..this monster….is worse than a con-artist…deranged cruel evil… on another level..he went so far as to dating a judge’s secretary so he can have charges pressed on me…and dsetroy my life…then he turns around and claims i destroyed his life….all while he did to me and keeps projecting…extremely twisted person…
he appaerntly dates judges secretaries to take control and dominate young women he’s victimizing thru the law beware of him… and they let this monster and maniac get away with this…he is a manipulator controller abuser very sick and cruel and treats people with cruelty….he is your average ‘charming’ sociopath with this personality and people might like him but deep down he is the devil and even claims he’s ‘dark energy’ he even does black magic on his victims and all sorts of weird crap…..he is also an extreme sadist and likes to see his victims scream in pain or suffer….evil twisted sick dark person beware
BBE
My spath did similar things – it was ok to come to my home, but not go to his – red flags everywhere – calling him on it would have made a lot of sense – but you are TRUSTWORTHY and YOU TRUST OTHERS. That’s why you didn’t see it.
Hugs.
Athena
This is really a great article….and has very good advice in protecting yourself in the dating game….on line (not advised) or off line…knowing and honoring the RED FLAGS in life, with potential mates, friends and family, co-workers, any relationship, will keep you much safer!
Regarding online relationships, my ex spath is currently online with a blog playing the pity ploy big-time and he is on Twitter love-bombing any female that will give him the time of day. He is desperate for his next meal ticket/n-fuel/victim! He actually seeks out women that have been abused, claiming that he was also abused, so he “understands”! I will never seek a relationship with a man online, too risky!
My ex husband ticks every box. His current pity me ploy is the alleged suicide of his ‘cousin’; it is actually his nephew. During 13 very long years of marriage he never saw him once! Found out his mother (also a spath) has committed probate fraud, she hit me in front of him, my mother and children ..he just carried on with the washing up ..yellow to his core. He never saw her either until recently ..money of course. The lies are endless, stupid, bizarre and they lie when it serves no purpose whatsoever ..because they can ..and of course they are pleased with themselves ..another sucker!
The ex met a sociopath (online Friends reunited), married her, she divorced him 15 months later. She certainly didn’t want ‘our’ children on the scene especially as they figured her out very early on. The jealousy emanates from every her every pore. 2 people who deserved one another, she has fleeced him and then kicked him out …karma.
Last week I was received a text from a married man I am working with inviting me to his hotel for a drink. Now he is pleasant enough, but I didn’t reply ..He is probably a bit lonely, but married all the same. The same week I received a letter from another man, someone I worked with years ago ..I have not replied and in October I received a letter from an old girlfriend (who used me), asking for contact ..I have not replied. At these times I think of Oxy (strange I know!) ..and think what would Oxy advise ..none of these individuals are spaths but I have a choice …as we all do.
I am finally at peace with myself; my children, family and real friends are all that matters. The past cannot be changed, but we can all shape our future by staying away from people who are toxic, selfish and inhumane ..whether they are online or not …EnnLondon is correct run away and stay away.
Excellent article by Donna (yet again). I actually printed this post and it is now in my handbag as a keepsake ..
Dear Movingon,.
GOOD GIRL!!!! TOWANDA!!! My psychopathic son Patrick, was giving the prison psychologist a “pity ploy” so he could stay in a cell where his cell phone was less likely to be discovered than it might be in a dorm-type situation. He told her how he was grieving for the death of his “nephew” who was a 13 year old kid when my other son had married the boy’s mother—Patrick had never met this boy, never talked to him, never written him, had NO CONTACT with him, but was using the death of this kid at age 21 as a “pity ploy” and the psychologist felt so much pity for this poor inmate, locked up and couldn’t even go to the funeral of his “nephew” LOL Of course there was a 1% grain of truth in the story, and 99% falsehood, but if he had been called BS on this, he could have proven that his bother’s step son had indeed died. LOL (head shaking here)
When psychopaths want to put on the pity ploy or the “I have changed” face, especially after years have passed and they hope that you have forgotten how badly they screwed you the last time….yea, NO REPLY is the PROPER RESPONSE to these people. I’m glad your “internal OxDrover” is active! Makes me smile! (((hugs))))
Thanks Oxy, ((hugs to you too)). The ex spath told a judge he was unable to respond to letters posted and emailed to him as he was looking ‘for the body’ ..’really’ says judge, then he claims he had no internet access, judge to spath ‘I see you have a smart phone’, without missing a beat ‘I had no phone signal either’! Turns out he was out shopping and not within 200 miles of this alleged suicide! At every court appearance he mentions this ‘suicide’,’family tragedy’; they have never even found a body, his nephew is classified as missing. As we have the same judge in Feb, should be amusing, as she certainly didn’t believe a word out of its mouth. He is certainly milking it, he couldn’t careless of course, just like your son Patrick. ((my internal oxydetector is on and working just fine))