As human beings, we all want love and companionship in our lives. It’s a basic human need, right up there with the needs for food, water and shelter. When we are lacking an intimate relationship, most of us try to fill the empty space. That leads to dating.
Here is what you need to know about dating and predators.
1. Evil exists.
What the evil is called—psychopath, sociopath, antisocial personality disorder, narcissist—really doesn’t matter. There are evil people out there, and they can be found in all segments of society—rich, poor, male, female, all races, all religions, all communities. They look like everyone else, but they are predators.
2. If you are dating, you are a target.
As an unattached person, you’re probably feeling a bit lonely—that’s why you’re looking for dates. This is natural and understandable. What you need to realize is that predators specialize in targeting lonely people. They know exactly how to find this vulnerability and exploit it by seeming to take the loneliness away. They shower you with attention, flatter you and promise you a lifetime of happiness—exactly what you’re looking for.
3. Meeting people on the Internet is extremely dangerous.
Yes, there are normal people on dating sites. But there are also predators, and communicating via the computer you do not have the tools you need to spot them. Most of the true meaning of conversation comes from nonverbal cues—voice, facial expression and body language. None of that is available in an e-mail. So what do you do? You fill in the missing pieces with your imagination, and the person becomes what you want him or her to be. You fall in love with a fantasy. For more information, see Internet Threat and Online Seduction on Lovefraud.com.
4. Predators are often charming.
If you meet someone who is glib, charismatic and has a quick answer to every question, be aware that these traits may indicate excellent social skills—or a psychopath. Pay close attention to what is actually being said. Are there gaps or inconsistencies? Is the person evasive? Does the person change plans or break promises—and always has an excuse? If you’re nodding your head, proceed with caution. For more information, see Key Symptoms on Lovefraud.com.
5. Watch for the pity play.
According to Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, the best clue that you are dealing with a sociopath is an appeal to your sympathy. If you’re dealing with someone who tries to make you feel sorry for him or her, blaming other people or “the system” for his or her problems, consider it a warning that the person may be a sociopath. For more information, see The Pity Play on Lovefraud.com.
6. Predators are often great in bed.
Many people who were involved with sociopaths have told Lovefraud that the sex was amazing. Sociopaths are often skilled lovers for two reasons: First, with an excessive need for stimulation, they are hard-wired for sex. Second, they get a lot of practice, often with anyone who comes along. In reality, sociopaths want only two things: sex and power. They do not feel love.
7. Do not ignore red flags.
Maybe something seems wrong but you can’t put your finger on it. Perhaps there’s a nagging feeling in your gut. Pay attention. Do not let him or her explain away your doubts. Do not tell yourself he or she has gotten a raw deal and your love is the solution. To avoid becoming the victim of a predator, your instincts are your best defense.
Movingon , Ox,
The ex …..yawn….stil trying to encroach on my life sending txts using pity ploy. Have maintained the NC approach and feel better in so many respects. But he is still in my head….get thee behind me Satan springs to mind. Lol. Seriously, when is this spath leave me alone.
Anyway, in ref to this great article I refer to a previous thread….. He, my ex used to love to say I dragged up the past if i ever dared to challenge him on his previous record of “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again, I love you baby, bla bla bla.
I took so much crap from him when, as my daughter pointed out to me when I was still seeing him.; “Mum, you’re such a strong person normally. Why do you let him treat you like s##t?”
Sorry to sound so self indulgent but finding it hard to forgive. Myself. Despite what I have read here, I feel guilty for my mistake
Movingon,
Yea, “out looking for the body” LOL Gosh that is rich! ROTFLMAO
Well, I hope the young man didn’t kill himself or someone didn’t kill him, and I am sure that for those that truly love him, having him “missing” is devastating, but we know it isn’t your X is it? LOL
Our internal dialogs, our internal beliefs, do help guide us, and I am honored that you have an internal “oxy” detector! My own internal guardian is based on what my late and very beloved step father would have advised. He was a wonderful man, and though he too was hoodwinked by my egg donor, none-the-less, he recognized my son Patrick as a fake and not redeemable when Patrick was 15 or 16. He also advised me about other people that I was hoodwinked by and any time I didn’t listen, I found out later he definitely was right. I wish I had listened to his advice more when he was alive, but I don’t have any problem now knowing what he would advise…it is pretty simple…if the person is not 100% honest, avoid them.
Strongawoman,
Forgiving yourself I think is the HARDEST PART, and I can definitely relate to that. But you are ALLOWED to not be “perfect” and still be OK….and so am I. That was hard to get through my thick head and sometimes I still have to remind myself it is OKAY NOT TO BE PERFECT. It is okay! It is OKAY!!!! (((hugs)))
Strongawoman, you loved someone who didn’t exist, how can that be your fault, you were duped, we all have been, some more than others. You made a mistake ..who hasn’t ..you did however get away from him and are maintaining NC, which can be exhausting and as draining as being with a spath. You are doing brilliantly, and you clearly have a daughter who cares about you and your well being ..he’ll go away when he finds his next victim. Forgiving yourself is definitely the hardest part, especially if it has impacted others. If you were soulless like a spath, you wouldn’t care.
Movingon,
Good for you. All of those teases and you didn’t respond ONCE. Congratulations.
Athena
Ox, moveingon, thanks. Kind words of encouragement ….thank you. LF is a life saver.
I am logging on because I need some encouragement tonight. I am upset with myself for even allowing my ex-spath to enter my mind tonight. I don’t want him to be there. But I am sure he would be tickled pink if he knew that I was thinking about him.
My ex-spath sought after me for five years. He would tell certain people that I was the girl he loved (even though he had a girlfriend) Eventually he won me over and I fell head over heels. He had put me on such a pedestal and wrote me the most elaborate, beautiful, intoxicating love letters.
Once I told him that I had fallen in love with him and that he would have to make a choice between me and his girlfriend because it wasn’t fair to either of us, everything changed. He was not the same person I thought he was. He became distant and irritated.
I took this behavior as just him being confused in love and didn’t want to hurt his girlfriend. I understood but thought that since I was the “love of his life” that he would still show me the same kind of love that he had shown me before. Our love was so intense before the ultimatum. But after he broke up with his girlfriend and was with me, he was completely different towards me.
Here is just a small list of what my experience was like with him:
-I could never measure up to his intelligence. I was always reminded of where I stood on the intellectual scale.
-He disliked my family and thought they were severe white trash.
-He would slander me behind my back to his friends and family telling them that I was too controlling and that he wanted out. All the while, telling me that he loved me and wanted a relationship with me.
-He humiliated me publically on several occasions and then acted like all was fine or that I was the one who caused all the fuss.
-He was very condescending to me when we were among his friends. His friends would join in with arrogant behavior towards me. He would also ignore me if we were around his friends unless it suited a purpose for him to show me any attention.
(We once went up to visit his friends at college where they were having a party. It was all guys and me. We were in a huge hot tub and he was hanging with his friends. All of a sudden he approached me and started kissing me. I was all excited because he was showing me attention and affection in front of his friends. He wound up slipping aside my underware and entering me a couple of times. I told him to stop because his friends could see, but he said not to worry and they couldn’t see. After the deed, he completely ignored me. He wouldn’t even kiss me anymore that evening citing that he was uncomfortable fooling around in front of his friends and that it was his friend’s appartment, so it wouldn’t be right. He barely talked to me the rest of the evening)
-He told all of his friends every initmate detail about our sexual experiences. His friends would then feel it alright to treat me like a whore. (A couple of his friends actually took advantage of me a year after my breakup with my spath. It was all very twisted)
-I was never allowed to be excited to see him or jump into his arms or show any kind of affection publically. He was noticebly crawling out of his skin when he was with me. But he would then get upset if I showed excitement when I would see an old friend and tell me, “You never show that kind of sweetness and excitement towards me.”
-His father was sexually deviant and had sex with his half-sister throughout his childhood. (His sister and father are not related) She was only 15-17 however. He would hear everything while he was downstairs watching T.V. and his mother was out of the house shopping. He continued to have a relationship with his father and just thought his father had a funny idea about love.
My ex never beat me and never stole from me. So I question weather or not he is actually a sociopath/ narcissist or just a guy who was doing what other guys in their early twenties do.
He married the girl he left me for and appears to have a lovely life. It kills me because I feel like his only victim. His ex-girlfriend nor his wife were treated to their faces the way I was treated. His friends LOVE his ex and his current wife.
I am struggling with the idea that my ex-spath is so gifted with convincing people that he is the victim, the good guy. He has made excuses for his treatment of me by telling people that he was just young and immature.
I guess I just needed to vent tonight.
Dear the sisterhood,
You describe a man who is a TOTAL PSYCHOPATH….he shows total disrespect for you as a human being….everything he did to you was showing that he had NO RESPECT for you.
NO ONE treats anyone this way unless they are very high in psychopathic traits.
The thing is, Sister, the woman he married may think he is “in love” with her, but I can just about write you a guarentee that he has NO love for any woman.
What others think of him, or of the other women he is or was involved with is TOTALLY UNIMPORTANT. What IS important is that YOU KNOW what kind of a nasty piece of carp he is.
We must learn to validate our own thoughts, that they are true. Even if we are the ONLY person in the world who knows that, it doesn’t change the truth.
Back when people thought that the world was FLAT, Columbus thought it was round, but he was probably the only one who did. That did not change the shape of the earth though because no one believed him.
Believe in YOURSELF, Sister….God bless. Hang in there. (((hugs)))
Thanks, Oxy! I need that reinforcement. I’m just so sad tonight. I have to keep reminding myself how blessed my life is now. I can’t compare myself to his wife. It gets me nowhere. I have to believe that I am good enough and that I certainly deserve better than my ex-spath.
Life isn’t fair sometimes. I’m really trying to learn my lessons from this. It is all such a shame.
Thank you again, Oxy. It means so much to me to hear your words of wisdom.
@sisterhood
I agree with Oxy, “NO ONE treats anyone this way unless they are very high in psychopathic traits.” We can’t take it personally, it isn’t as if he is only that mean to you. His other relationships are just as psychologically abusive as yours was. More than likely, he is not capable of real attachment and love. Yes, we understand, it is very painful when they dupe friends and/or family that he is the victim. There is no excuse for the way he treated you! My ex did the same thing! I so agree with everything Oxy said!!