As human beings, we all want love and companionship in our lives. It’s a basic human need, right up there with the needs for food, water and shelter. When we are lacking an intimate relationship, most of us try to fill the empty space. That leads to dating.
Here is what you need to know about dating and predators.
1. Evil exists.
What the evil is called—psychopath, sociopath, antisocial personality disorder, narcissist—really doesn’t matter. There are evil people out there, and they can be found in all segments of society—rich, poor, male, female, all races, all religions, all communities. They look like everyone else, but they are predators.
2. If you are dating, you are a target.
As an unattached person, you’re probably feeling a bit lonely—that’s why you’re looking for dates. This is natural and understandable. What you need to realize is that predators specialize in targeting lonely people. They know exactly how to find this vulnerability and exploit it by seeming to take the loneliness away. They shower you with attention, flatter you and promise you a lifetime of happiness—exactly what you’re looking for.
3. Meeting people on the Internet is extremely dangerous.
Yes, there are normal people on dating sites. But there are also predators, and communicating via the computer you do not have the tools you need to spot them. Most of the true meaning of conversation comes from nonverbal cues—voice, facial expression and body language. None of that is available in an e-mail. So what do you do? You fill in the missing pieces with your imagination, and the person becomes what you want him or her to be. You fall in love with a fantasy. For more information, see Internet Threat and Online Seduction on Lovefraud.com.
4. Predators are often charming.
If you meet someone who is glib, charismatic and has a quick answer to every question, be aware that these traits may indicate excellent social skills—or a psychopath. Pay close attention to what is actually being said. Are there gaps or inconsistencies? Is the person evasive? Does the person change plans or break promises—and always has an excuse? If you’re nodding your head, proceed with caution. For more information, see Key Symptoms on Lovefraud.com.
5. Watch for the pity play.
According to Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, the best clue that you are dealing with a sociopath is an appeal to your sympathy. If you’re dealing with someone who tries to make you feel sorry for him or her, blaming other people or “the system” for his or her problems, consider it a warning that the person may be a sociopath. For more information, see The Pity Play on Lovefraud.com.
6. Predators are often great in bed.
Many people who were involved with sociopaths have told Lovefraud that the sex was amazing. Sociopaths are often skilled lovers for two reasons: First, with an excessive need for stimulation, they are hard-wired for sex. Second, they get a lot of practice, often with anyone who comes along. In reality, sociopaths want only two things: sex and power. They do not feel love.
7. Do not ignore red flags.
Maybe something seems wrong but you can’t put your finger on it. Perhaps there’s a nagging feeling in your gut. Pay attention. Do not let him or her explain away your doubts. Do not tell yourself he or she has gotten a raw deal and your love is the solution. To avoid becoming the victim of a predator, your instincts are your best defense.
Dear Sister,
They DEVALUE us, and it doesn’t matter if it is a lover, a parent, a child, a friend, that DEVALUATION can make us feel that we are “not good enough.” In truth, THEY are the ones who are LACKING…in what it takes for a relationship. They lack the ability to connect on a meaningful level, to bond to another. Instead, the connection they have is more “ownership” rather than love.
I actually feel sorry for the woman that my X BF married, because I KNOW that except on the SURFACE, he treats her just like he treated me….like an object. He tries to make her feel stupid, to make her feel worthless. She did not “win” the “contest” I WON because I don’t have him in my life.
YOU are also the WINNER! Believe me! ((hugs)))
Sisterhood,
While he is scamming her, things APPEAR to be good for her. When he’s done or found new meat, she will then learn what his core self is like just as you did. A leopard does not change it’s spots. In the meanwhile, it’s easy for him to be nicer to her b/c he has you to scapegoat. And other women LOVE to dump on the ex. Stupid women who are arrogant and think they are different. They MAY be different, BUT HE’s NOT.
KatyDid-
I don’t think his scamming of her will ever stop. I think they will grow old together without her ever knowing who he really is. Her brother is his best friend. She provided the extended family my ex always wanted. She even helped him get the career he has now. She is invaluable to his image. She is sweet and adored. His friends wouldn’t tolerate him treating her poorly.
I do not wish her ill at all, but there is a small part of me that wishes it would all fall apart for her so I can be validated. I know that is so horrible for me to say. I just want his mask to be torn off for everyone to see.
I just want this feeling of needing to be validated to go away. I know that I have the power to validate myself. I just want to be able to tap into that power. After being so humiliated and demoralized, it is really hard for me. It still hurts.
Hossana-Thank you for your support.
The Sisterhood,
I can relate to what you just said 1000%.
I felt the same way when my ex-socio found his next relationship, another single mother, and got engaged.
I went through the same wants – for him to be exposed and shown to be a liar and a scary psycho. It was a dark year for me, and I almost thought everything would turn out to his benefit…
Then, he kicked her out unexpectedly, changed the locks and broke off the engagement. It was really sad, because he’d alienated her from her friends and family, so she was left to asking for help getting to their apartment (on FB). And, because of the drama, she lost her job…
Keep in mind, this is a young mother of a young daughter. Can you say this guy has NO EMPATHY?
She crawled back to him after a while and the relationship was restored, but after she’d moved back in with her parents.
So, his mask came off.
It dawned on me (and Ox Drover’s said it a million times) they don’t change, it’s just a matter of time…
Sister,
The self validation takes some TIME, so give yourself some slack. It is also natural for you to want him exposed and for others to also see what you see….and no it is not “horrible” for you to want him to openly treat her like he has treated you.
BTW what his relationship with her is or is not is NOT something that you can see from the outside. As for his “friends” not allowing him to treat her poorly, don’t you bet on it. They don’t truly have “friends” in the sense that you and I do…they have “associates” and “dupes” but not friends. It IS just a matter of time before the “honeymoon is over”with them and the “love bomb” goes off and becomes the devaluation.
Sisterhood
I can validate Ox Drover and Purewater b/c I’ve seen it with my husband. Truly HE is NOT different and it will come out. They can fool some of the people for a while but not forever, they have this compulsion to show off that others are beneath them, to be the WINNER, and it will be then that the mask falls.
Spaths hijack friends and supporters. People who SHOULD know BETTER don’t. They are vulnerable to flattery. My husband went to EVERY person who was kind to me, not just my friends but community members who thought well of me. EVERYONE was conned by my husband who laid on a story that had grains of truth in it so it became believable in spite of them knowing I was NOT what he said about me. But people are encouraged in their doubts and I was not around to defend myself… I didn’t even know what was being said so how can I defend the unknowable. I just knew that when I did see the people who USED to be friendly to me were all of a sudden cold and didn’t want to chat at all. It hurt and I withdrew, I felt so unwanted, depressed, unvalued.
But I tell you this, now that I KNOW my husband’s character, I see I would NEVER have been happy. It was NOT possible with such a person. So she is welcome to my husband and I am free for all the possibilities in the world that I would NEVER have had if I was still living with him. So with her, or without her, I am better off than she will ever be.
Sorry for your heartache. I remember just wanting a little validation that what he did was wrong. So I do understand. But try to see that not being his victim is a good enough victory and take VERY VERY good care of yourself and vow to NEVER let anyone have the kind of power where they could EVER do this to you ever again.
Sisterhood, totally agree with what’s been said here. Particularly like what Katy said…”Not being his victim is a good enough victory”
Trust your gut instincts and let blinkers fall away. No it’s not a nice experience when you have to face the truth…he used you and he will do it again. To her. Believe in yourself and trust that inner voice. Keep listening to the voice of reason. My experience ….my relationship was with a serial spath. It took four years to wake up and face that he never loved me. He used me, abused me and blamed me for the abuse. I hope you have some support ….some good friends or family who can help you.
Really feel for you. I’ve been there. It sucks. I am 6weeks and counting NC and feeling calmer, can think a lot straighter.
Keep fighting the good fight. Onwards. Towanda
And, I actually went back to him after he had met someone else. He dumped her …..so he said! And we got back together. This was only 6 months ago. I believed his lies. He loved me. He wished it was me he was waking up to ……while he was in bed with her! I don’t know if telling you this, Sister, is goin to help. But I was so jealous of her, I so didn’t want her to have him I went back. Big mistake. It was a matter of weeks before the whole Nast mess backfired on me. You see he had told me he loved me, love bombed me. She was boring in bed. There’s no one like you baby. Yep I believed it. Fell for it. Again, sigh.
He basically admitted one day during another argument that he had “exaggerated” what he told me to get me back. He lied. Why? B/c I was better. Not better at sex. A better investment. For him. Better the devil you know is what he thought. But after a few weeks his true self was revealed …yet again. I wasn’t enough. I don’t do this for him. I don’t show him love, affection, come to him for sex…bla bla. And the clincher? he actually said why did I dump her for you?
Anyway it’s history in the sense I’m not putting myself through it any more. I feel sorry for the next woman. His next victim. Poor woman.don’t let it be you my friend.
Hugs and best wishes to you
PLEASE HELP! I wasn’t sure where to post this but I desperately need advice. I have been a member of Lovefraud for nearly 5 years now. It played a huge role in helping me to recover from my own experience with a sociopath. I have continued to read the blogs and can’t say enough good things about the information provided here and the support offered.
However, I am now faced with a situation that my emotions are preventing me from being able to handle properly. I know ALL about sociopaths. My own experience with one prompted me to study everything I could get my hands on as well as seek therapy. I honestly feel that I can now smell one!
My son is 31 and is involved with a sociopath who is pregnant and claims the baby is my son’s. She announced her pregnancy before they had been dating a full 6 weeks! I had met this girl briefly one time before I learned of her pregnancy. While I was overjoyed at the thought of having my first grandchild, I couldn’t help recalling a conversation that I had with my son just a couple of weeks before he started seeing this girl in which he expressed the concern that he might be sterile. He dated and later married a girl that he was with for 10 years. They had unprotected sex throughout their entire relationship and she never got pregnant. They assumed that she could not get pregnant; however, she became pregnant by the first man she went out with the first time she had sex with him after she and my son divorced. My son then had a 2 and 1/2 year relationship with another girl…no birth control…no pregnancy. It was some time after this relationship that he told me that he’d really like to settle down and have a family but feared that he might be sterile and didn’t want to get involved with someone who wanted children and then later learn that he was sterile. We talked about making an appointment to have his count checked. Before this could happen, he dated and moved in immediately with the girl that is now 6 months pregnant.
I didn’t really get to know this girl until after she announced the pregnancy. I spent my first REAL couple of hours with her listening to her talk constantly about herself, how wealthy her family was and how she and her father had not been on speaking terms for some time and how she had no idea why. She told me that she had a strong desire to bond with me because she lost her own mother to mental illness when she was a young child. I listened but was blinded by red flags. Her story just didn’t make any sense. And, at times, she would make statements that didn’t make any sense and that were totally out of context. She talked non-stop. I tried to shake my uneasiness off and consider that she might just be nervous as well as trying to impress me since I was her boyfriend’s mother.
However, as time went on, her behavior grew to be more and more outrageous. She had just graduated from nursing school and was caring for her 97 year old great aunt who indeed had some wealth. She said that her aunt was paying her living expenses in exchange for her caring for her. My son also had a job. She and my son came to my house one day to tell me that he had decided to quit his job. She was doing all the talking…my son had NOTHING to say. She said that the elderly aunt was going to give them $40,000 and leave them her house when she passed away. She said the aunt wanted to go ahead and give them the money so that she could see them enjoy it while she was still living, blah, blah, blah. I told them $40,000 wasn’t really as much money as it seemed and that my son should keep his job because it was the first really good job that he had ever had with excellent benefits. She insisted that she wanted him to go to college and get a degree and was going to help pay for it. She said that once she got a nursing position that her income would more than enough to support them and talked of several interviews that she had with various employers. Because my son was SO quiet, I remembered thinking that apparently he realized that she was as full of it as I did. No, he quit his job.
Then, her car was involved in an accident. Of course, she didn’t wreck it but a total stranger got in it to move it, drove 50 yards from where it was parked and slammed it into a pole. My husband bought the car from her to repair a resell…a hobby he does in his spare time. She said the elderly aunt was giving her car to her and sure enough she soon appeared driving the aunt’s car. The aunt passed away. There’s was no gift of $40,000, a house and the executor of her aunt’s estate demanded the car back. The girl got a job and had no transportation. My husband repaired the wrecked car that he had purchased from her and told her that she only owed him what he paid her for the car and parts…no labor…trying to help her out. He told her that since she had just gotten a job that she could pay him as little as $25 per month just as long as she made an effort to pay something every month…that was 5 months ago…not a dime.
My son got another good job. Together, the two of them were bringing home nearly $1,000 per week with only $500 rent to pay and an electric bill. Within a couple of months, the girl sent me several text messages from 2:00 – 5:00 AM one night while I was sleeping and she was at work. She also has our home phone number which she never called. I awoke to find these numerous texts informing me that she had an urgent situation with my son, a matter of life and death and that he was crying for me, I needed to go to their apartment, I was the only person he trusted, etc. The last message said that he had developed a serious drug problem and need my help. I panicked, called my son who was sleeping and didn’t seem to have a clue as to what I was talking about! My son called me one morning to ask if I could loan him the money to have the electricity reconnected. I told him yes, but he had to repay me. I called the utility company and paid to have it reconnected over the phone. My son repaid me when he got paid 4 days later.
After this, she started borrowing money from my husband and me claiming that my son was spending more than half of his paycheck on drugs and making things really difficult for her. She also insisted that he wanted us to help him pay to get treatment yet my son would tell me that he didn’t need our help. After a 2-3 small loans that were never repaid, we decided not to give her any more money until we could determine what was going on. I finally asked her what SHE was doing with her paycheck…she told me that she had fallen behind on rent during the lapse between taking care of her aunt and getting a job and had been putting most of her money towards catching the rent up. The next day, my son told me they were moving because they were getting evicted!
I’m sorry for the length of this but I want to ensure that I get the best advice you all have to offer in how to handle this situation. On a Sunday afternoon about 6 weeks ago, she started blowing my phone up with texts firing requests for money for this and then that. I kept saying no. Finally, she says that she needs to money to get my son into a treatment center and that SHE has made all of the arrangements. I told her that I needed to speak with my son. She then sent a text supposedly from my son that I KNEW wasn’t from him. I told her that I wanted to talk to him. She said her phone was a text only phone. I then told her that he needed to come to our house alone and talk to us. She then fired a text at me telling me that her FATHER was going to pay for my son’s treatment! I told her that I would be discussing this with her father. She told me that it wouldn’t do any good because my son had instructed her father not to discuss it with me!
I called the father. He had never met my son. Told me regretfully that his daughter had had a serious drug problem since she was in her teens and that any money I had given her had most likely went for drugs. He told me the reason that she wasn’t speaking with him was because she stole $2,500 from him and used it for drugs. He said she had never been self sufficient and that he had constantly had to pay her living expenses, etc. After she stole the money from him, he told her that she was on her own and that’s when she stopped speaking to him. He also informed me that she had stolen in excess of $10,000 from the elderly aunt!
To sum this up…I finally learned that the girl has been using drugs through her entire pregnancy. I HAD taken note that she missed most of her doctor’s appointments and had cancelled every ultrasound that had been scheduled. I found this very unusual for a first time mother and also one who had claimed to have miscarried 3 times in the past. A doctor finally caught her through blood work and ordered her to get treatment and told her that the state would take the baby as soon as it was born if she didn’t get treatment immediately. Also, if the baby was born addicted, she would be charged with felony reckless endangerment and if it died, she would be charged with murder. So, she was really trying to get us to pay for HER treatment. I called her father and told him what I had learned. Of course, he confronted her and she called (from her text only phone) and cursed my husband horribly as soon as he said hello.
My son finally admitted that she was in treatment and that he needed help, also. I told him we were willing to help pay for his treatment. He insisted that we had done enough for him and that he could pay for it himself through the state’s program. He told me he loved me and I told him to please let me know if he needed my help. He continued to chat on line with me a few minutes every day from his work computer up until about two weeks ago when he suddenly stopped. Now, he is not speaking to me at all and I have no idea why.
This girl even went on to tell my mother that her father was paying for my son’s drug treatment AFTER she knew her father had assured me that he was not. She assured my mother that SHE had never used drugs in her life and my mother believed HER over me! My mother called me and blessed me out for refusing to help my son and asked me how I could allow a complete stranger to pay for his treatment! I had already told my mother about the conversation I had with her father and that my son had admitted to me that she was in treatment.
I don’t know what to do! My son is my ONLY child and he and I have had our rounds but he’s never been able to stay mad at me for over 5 minutes…literally! What has this girl done? I tracked her ex mother-in-law down and she described having the same nightmare experience during the time she was married to her son which was less than a year. She said when her son lost his job due to a layoff, she divorced him although he was seeking employment. She insisted on managing her son’s money…she did not work when she was married to him. They were evicted, he was nearly put in jail over getting behind on his child support and she and her husband had to give them money to get a new apartment. She and her husband also bought their SON the car that my husband repaired for her. We kept asking her for the title and she kept saying that she knew she had it but couldn’t find it and that it might even be at her parent’s house. The car is still in her ex-husband’s name but he is now so frightened of her that he will not see her to transfer the title! The son later learned that she was spending all of his earnings on drugs as well as having sex with other men FOR drugs! How do I get this girl out of the way long enough to talk to my son? Will it do more harm than good? I don’t know what to do! I don’t even think this baby belongs to him and he won’t hear that it doesn’t although he told me several months ago that he found out she cheated on him just a few days AFTER she learned that she was pregnant! I’m terrified that she’s doing to stick my son with 18 years of child support for a child that isn’t even his and I’m even MORE terrified that the baby IS his and is being born to a mother like her. I feel sorry for the baby no matter who it belongs to but there’s NO way that I’ll be able to stand aside and allow her to mistreat my son and/or the child that he believes to be his.
I know this is a rant but I am terrified. I thought maybe the best way to deal with this girl is to allow her to believe that she is winning, that she has full control and stroke her ego while I try to figure out what to do. The ex mother-in-law says to confront her and my son and tell her that I know exactly what she is doing! I feel that will make the situation with my son and me worse. Right now, he feels that he needs to protect his pregnant girlfriend! Any advice will be greatly appreciated. If nothing else, can somebody please tell me SOMETHING to help calm me down?
Tami,
What a nightmare! I’m so sorry your family is suffering at the hands of a sociopath. I am probably the worst person to give advice because I don’t have any children. But I happen to be here and read your post, so here is my take on it. If your son is an adult, there is really nothing you can do but let him make his own decisions. It seems he has been told the truth in many ways and knows himself that she cheated on him right after she got pregnant. All you can do is to be there for him and be a support for him. But it must be HIS decision to walk away from her. In addition, you probably should disconnect all of your business dealings, car arrangements, treatment arrangements, etc. from them. Kiss the car repair money good-bye. You will never see it. You know the drill with sociopaths. No contact with them or any of their cohorts. Please don’t give her any more money, no matter what she says it’s for. You can wait for your son to contact you and then tell him what you think is going on and let him know that you will not support him as long as he stays with her. It was HIS choice to quit his job and it is HIS choice to stay with her. If he needs to get into treatment, it will ultimately be HIS choice too. It just seems as if this is something that is out of your control. It is about your son and his choices. I hope he doesn’t throw his life away with this woman, but if he does, there is nothing you can do. If she has infiltrated your family and turned those family members against you, you will have to go no contact with them, too. I’m so sorry. Protect yourself, and don’t let you and your husband go down with this sinking ship.
If you have too hard of a time walking away, you can physically track your son down, maybe at his work, and get him alone. But once you talk to him, the rest is up to him. The only thing I would say about this is that if you get a chance to talk to him, be very very clear what your boundaries are with the situation. For instance, I would not offer to pay for his treatment or any other expenses if he is going to stay with her. If you try to help him on the one hand, and she is sabotaging it on the other, then she is ruining your life, too. Protect yourself at all costs, even if in the end you have to go no contact with your son. You cannot be a help to your son if you yourself are under the influence of a sociopath. Protect your assets so she cannot get to them through your son.
That’s all I have and I wish you the very best.
P.S. There may be a legal angle to this that I’m not aware of. Maybe others have ideas along these lines.