As human beings, we all want love and companionship in our lives. It’s a basic human need, right up there with the needs for food, water and shelter. When we are lacking an intimate relationship, most of us try to fill the empty space. That leads to dating.
Here is what you need to know about dating and predators.
1. Evil exists.
What the evil is called—psychopath, sociopath, antisocial personality disorder, narcissist—really doesn’t matter. There are evil people out there, and they can be found in all segments of society—rich, poor, male, female, all races, all religions, all communities. They look like everyone else, but they are predators.
2. If you are dating, you are a target.
As an unattached person, you’re probably feeling a bit lonely—that’s why you’re looking for dates. This is natural and understandable. What you need to realize is that predators specialize in targeting lonely people. They know exactly how to find this vulnerability and exploit it by seeming to take the loneliness away. They shower you with attention, flatter you and promise you a lifetime of happiness—exactly what you’re looking for.
3. Meeting people on the Internet is extremely dangerous.
Yes, there are normal people on dating sites. But there are also predators, and communicating via the computer you do not have the tools you need to spot them. Most of the true meaning of conversation comes from nonverbal cues—voice, facial expression and body language. None of that is available in an e-mail. So what do you do? You fill in the missing pieces with your imagination, and the person becomes what you want him or her to be. You fall in love with a fantasy. For more information, see Internet Threat and Online Seduction on Lovefraud.com.
4. Predators are often charming.
If you meet someone who is glib, charismatic and has a quick answer to every question, be aware that these traits may indicate excellent social skills—or a psychopath. Pay close attention to what is actually being said. Are there gaps or inconsistencies? Is the person evasive? Does the person change plans or break promises—and always has an excuse? If you’re nodding your head, proceed with caution. For more information, see Key Symptoms on Lovefraud.com.
5. Watch for the pity play.
According to Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, the best clue that you are dealing with a sociopath is an appeal to your sympathy. If you’re dealing with someone who tries to make you feel sorry for him or her, blaming other people or “the system” for his or her problems, consider it a warning that the person may be a sociopath. For more information, see The Pity Play on Lovefraud.com.
6. Predators are often great in bed.
Many people who were involved with sociopaths have told Lovefraud that the sex was amazing. Sociopaths are often skilled lovers for two reasons: First, with an excessive need for stimulation, they are hard-wired for sex. Second, they get a lot of practice, often with anyone who comes along. In reality, sociopaths want only two things: sex and power. They do not feel love.
7. Do not ignore red flags.
Maybe something seems wrong but you can’t put your finger on it. Perhaps there’s a nagging feeling in your gut. Pay attention. Do not let him or her explain away your doubts. Do not tell yourself he or she has gotten a raw deal and your love is the solution. To avoid becoming the victim of a predator, your instincts are your best defense.
Stargazer:
Excellent advice. If I didn’t see your name on the post, would have thought it was Oxy’s. Shalom
After being here so long, I’m probably channeling the spirit of Oxy. 🙂
Stargazer:
It’s all good.
Tami,
sorry that you are experiencing another spath attack.
Star’s advice was good. No more money for either of them. No more phone calls, txt msgs, or face time. This is the only solution because she will not leave as long as there is a human being responding to her manipulations. Her addiction is not drugs, it’s drama. When the baby is born, it will be easy to prove it’s not your son’s with a DNA test. I’ll bet she resists that, so you have to be there when the baby is born and ask that it be done.
Whether or not the baby is his, she will use your son’s desire to be a father as a way to bond him to her and the baby. That has been the plan all along when she found out that he hoped to settle down and have a family.
We could sit here and analyze the spath woman all day, but it won’t do much good since the only answer is not to feed her: no drama, no money, no response.
What might serve you better is to find out why your son became vulnerable to her. What was his weakness or hook?
Tami:
Wow, that is an awful situation! I am not very good at advice or maybe I am, but no one seems to ever take it. Anyway, first of all, in my opinion, there is no way that baby is your son’s! I mean, look at the past. He was never able to get another woman pregnant and it’s been proven this current woman is or was cheating on him…having sex with men for drugs. I mean come on! If your son wants to believe that it is his baby there is nothing you can do about that. All I think you need to do is WAIT. That woman is going to dump your son very soon and then he will finally realize what you have been saying and he will come running back to you. I say this because look at her track record! She dumped the last guy who didn’t meet her needs as far as money, etc. I know it must hurt a lot for him to not be talking to you. But he will. He will realize the TRUTH soon and he will be back. Especially since you said he is the type who never stayed upset with you for long. It’s not in his nature. He just has to get unsnarled from her and he will be back. And I have a feeling it won’t be long. Hugs to you.
I even think it is the son’s decision to demand a DNA test. If he wants to raise the child as his without knowing, it’s still his choice. He may not want to know. Just my .02.
Tami,
Wow, darling, I am glad to see you back, you are an old friend, but sorry that it is under such circumstances.
I do know how awful it is to see your beloved child flush his life down the drain. How you want to find JUST THE RIGHT WORDS to pour into his ear so that he will understand what he is doing to himself…..by allowing this woman to stay in his life.
It is frustrating to admit that there ARE NO RIGHT WORDS, NO MAGIC BEANS, NO SANTA, NO TOOTH FAIRY, and NO WAY TO SAVE SOMEONE AGAINST THEIR WILL.
The baby is ALREADY damaged if she has been drugging all during this baby’s life in the womb, and that is a terrible thing. She has damaged the child both from DNA and from drugs.
From your description I think she is very definitely HIGH IN PSYCHOPATH TRAITS, and I also think she sounds BI-polar on a manic trip as well as drugs.
Your son may be doing drugs as well, which would make him vulnerable to her, and his desire for a “family” is another hook he has, it is a FANTASY relationship with a fantasy child and wife, because this child has a better chance of being “Rosemary’s baby” than it does of being Shirley Temple in my opinion.
The bald, naked truth, Tami, is that you can NOT save your son, your son has to make the decision to save himself. Any attempts to “help” him are enabling him and her.
Get back on the band wagon, and read and read some more, and disconnect from your child, if you must talk to him one more time, do so, but after that, disconnect completely, until he is disconnected from her and the child. I think there is a good chance if he wanted to he could relatively easily prove that child is not his. (If he is sterile) but apparently he WANTS the kid to be his, and in that case, he is over 18 and there is nothing you can do to stop him from destroying himself. Only he can. Believe me Tami, I know how difficult it is to cut off a child who is trying their damnedest to destroy their life. ((((hugs)))) and God bless.
Oxy, you said it 1000 times better than I could have. Great advice.
Nah, Star, you did a pretty good job of “channeling” me before I got here. LOL
I sit here right now remembering all the conversations Tami and I had years ago, and the tears are running down my face, because I KNOW how hard it is to cut off your CHILD, and I’ve had to do it twice now. I was so desperate to find SOMETHING that would save Patrick before it was too late and he had an adult criminal record. Then even after that, I was so desperate to find a way to “save” him even after he had killed Jessica, some way that I could “save” him when he got out of prison, some way he could STILL have a life after prison. I just would not “give up” in trying to save him….until finally, FINALLY In January 2007 at a visit to him, he bragged about how much more “horrible than even the cops know” that his crime (of murder) was and I knew INSTANTLY that all his remorse was FAKE….he was proud of killing her. Even at that moment his plan was in the works to have me murdered, the Trojan Horse he had sent to infiltrate our family had arrived in August 2006, but I didn’t know what he was until March of 2007 when my friend in Texas sent me his sex offender registry from Texas showing he was a pedophile and that he was a former cell mate of my son.
Even knowing all of this, having proof, talking to the sheriff who validated all this, the “summer of chaos” had started and kept on going and going and going until I went NC with the egg donor, and other wise started to eliminate the psychopaths and the dishonest, untrustworthy people from my life.
Last night I dreamed about son C, who had come to my house in the dream and was somewhere inside the house and I could hear his voice but not sure what room it was coming from. Finally he came into the room where I was and I told him to leave and not ever come here again. Another night not long ago I dreamed about another one of the psychopaths I have weeded out of my garden, a “friend” as close as a beloved brother to both me and my son D, and a man my late husband considered a “son of the heart.” In the obituary for my husband that was how we had this man listed among the survivors as a “son of the heart.” He was a psychopath, a narcissist, and a user and an abuser…..and it hurt to cut him out of our lives, but it allowed the wound to heal and it kept new wounds from being inflicted…
Sometimes though, they will invade our dreams, even when we think we are “over” the worst of the pain with the amputations of these toxic limbs of our hearts and lives. When it is a child, though, or one you love as much as you do your children, it is a long uphill climb to reach a level of peace.
I had a few tears in my eyes reading your post, Oxy. You are a good one to give advice when it comes to going NC with a child. I don’t think that advice is quite as convincing coming from me. I remember how hard it was going NC with my spath. In just a few months he had become my family because I didn’t have any. I also had less love for myself and less inner strength and resiliency (though I probably had more than I give myself credit for, having left him after only a few months). It made me realize that NO CONTACT is the only way to go for a sociopath. No contact by proxy, no contact by facebook, text, relationship to family members, internet forum…..nada, zip, zilch. If he had implanted himself into my right arm, I would have cut that off, too. I have learned that peace of mind is THE #1 most important thing in my life. I am going through such an identity crisis right now – deciding what IS important to me. It’s no longer being a homeowner, a wife, having a lot of money, or even having a man – all of these things that once were important to me. I don’t really know what direction my life is headed. The thing I know for absolute certain is that peace with myself is the most important thing in my life. You CANNOT have peace if you have a sociopath in your life. Just like you cannot have a healthy body if you have a poison arrow in it. There is no getting around it and no fudging it to fit our hopes and fantasies. I know there are people here who have to, by their life circumstances, do battle with sociopaths, perhaps fighting for their kids or for their homes. But I know it comes at a steep cost, having to have these monsters in their lives.