As human beings, we all want love and companionship in our lives. It’s a basic human need, right up there with the needs for food, water and shelter. When we are lacking an intimate relationship, most of us try to fill the empty space. That leads to dating.
Here is what you need to know about dating and predators.
1. Evil exists.
What the evil is called—psychopath, sociopath, antisocial personality disorder, narcissist—really doesn’t matter. There are evil people out there, and they can be found in all segments of society—rich, poor, male, female, all races, all religions, all communities. They look like everyone else, but they are predators.
2. If you are dating, you are a target.
As an unattached person, you’re probably feeling a bit lonely—that’s why you’re looking for dates. This is natural and understandable. What you need to realize is that predators specialize in targeting lonely people. They know exactly how to find this vulnerability and exploit it by seeming to take the loneliness away. They shower you with attention, flatter you and promise you a lifetime of happiness—exactly what you’re looking for.
3. Meeting people on the Internet is extremely dangerous.
Yes, there are normal people on dating sites. But there are also predators, and communicating via the computer you do not have the tools you need to spot them. Most of the true meaning of conversation comes from nonverbal cues—voice, facial expression and body language. None of that is available in an e-mail. So what do you do? You fill in the missing pieces with your imagination, and the person becomes what you want him or her to be. You fall in love with a fantasy. For more information, see Internet Threat and Online Seduction on Lovefraud.com.
4. Predators are often charming.
If you meet someone who is glib, charismatic and has a quick answer to every question, be aware that these traits may indicate excellent social skills—or a psychopath. Pay close attention to what is actually being said. Are there gaps or inconsistencies? Is the person evasive? Does the person change plans or break promises—and always has an excuse? If you’re nodding your head, proceed with caution. For more information, see Key Symptoms on Lovefraud.com.
5. Watch for the pity play.
According to Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, the best clue that you are dealing with a sociopath is an appeal to your sympathy. If you’re dealing with someone who tries to make you feel sorry for him or her, blaming other people or “the system” for his or her problems, consider it a warning that the person may be a sociopath. For more information, see The Pity Play on Lovefraud.com.
6. Predators are often great in bed.
Many people who were involved with sociopaths have told Lovefraud that the sex was amazing. Sociopaths are often skilled lovers for two reasons: First, with an excessive need for stimulation, they are hard-wired for sex. Second, they get a lot of practice, often with anyone who comes along. In reality, sociopaths want only two things: sex and power. They do not feel love.
7. Do not ignore red flags.
Maybe something seems wrong but you can’t put your finger on it. Perhaps there’s a nagging feeling in your gut. Pay attention. Do not let him or her explain away your doubts. Do not tell yourself he or she has gotten a raw deal and your love is the solution. To avoid becoming the victim of a predator, your instincts are your best defense.
Tami,
As a former medical practitioner, I am not “into” the fad diets, the eat all you want and never be hungry and lose weight, or eat only X, y or Z….I use a BALANCED diet with high on fruits and veggies, portion control (lower calories) and exercise to rev up the metabolism. It works, it costs nothing, and there are no bad side effects.
I eat lots of fiber, oat meal, lots of fruit, and a balance of carbs and proteins. Low fat and low salt, as close to organic/natural as I can get and afford. It works. There is a site called .fatsecret.com that helps you track your various calories, fiber, sodium, carbs, etc. and your exercise calories and helps motivate me to not over eat. I tried to stick to 1500 calories tops, but then quit posting my stuff and quit losing weight…so got to get back on track.
Tami, the South Beach diet and the Paleo diet are both examples of high protein, low carb diets. I have been on a low carb diet for about a year now. I didn’t do it for weight loss. I did it to prevent intestinal problems, which run in my family. I read Breaking the Viscious Cycle” by Elaine Gotschall. This is the bible for people trying to improve their eating habits. They have many many starch-free, gluten-free recipes that are quite delicious. I recommend reading that book, because I think a diet should be first and foremost for health and not necessarily for weight loss.
I go back and forth about cosmetic surgery myself. Sometimes I really want it. Other times, it seems like I’m chasing that magic pill, and it seems so superficial. I think if you want to do it, and you have the money, do it. At very least, it will boost your confidence. I will never forget a lady I met in a thrift store 5 years ago. She looked great at 55. I asked her if she ever had any “work” done because she looked so good. She said that as a matter of fact she did, and it was the best thing she ever did for her self-confidence. Her life completely changed as a result. Just be aware that with surgery, there are risks. With the treatments I’m doing, there are no risks – it is completely safe.
Tami, if your son has a problem with alcohol, you may want to join Alanon. I have not personally used it, but I know it has helped many of my friends.
I have a lot of issues with bloating…also have IBS. I have a huge problem with my cholesterol. It climbed to nearly 400 and I was taking cholesterol meds! My triglycerides were off the chart as well. My cholesterol has been high since I was in my early 20s, played every sport available to women and weighed 110 pounds. It’s genetic.
I started taking what is called Lipo shots at a local weight loss center every week as the reps there claimed that they would help lower my cholesterol. I was very skeptical but thought why not? They contain all natural stuff. My diet consisted mostly of baked skinless chicken, green veggies, melons and water. I had lowfat Activia yogurt for breakfast or a boiled egg with whole wheat low calorie toast. I totally avoided salt, sugar and bread other than the occasional piece of breakfast toast. I lost 27 pounds in 3 months and my cholesterol dropped nearly 200 points…all the way down to 201…has NEVER been that low and my triglycerides dropped 150 points. I still continued to eat healthy but wasn’t as rigid about it and started taking the Lipo shots every other week over the next 3 months. Saw my doc again last week and my cholesterol has climbed up to 251 and my triglycerides were up again! So, apparently, what I WAS doing worked but I got very bored with the food. Also, I’m sure I wasn’t even eating 1000 calories a day. I felt fine but got bored with eating the same foods over and over again.
So, I am looking for new foods to try but I also have to keep in mind that I have to watch the cholesterol content.
Yes, I am aware of the risks involved with the cosmetic surgery. That’s why my husband is willing to pay several thousand extra for the best surgeon in the area to do it. His ex-wife had a face lift during the time they were married and he did quite a bit of research to find the highest recommended surgeon. And, everyone I’ve talked to who has had the surgery immediately informs me not to consider another doctor other than the one I have in mind. Although, I know there are still risks involved period.
I’m not really placing blame on the spath that my son is involved with. He is old enough to make his own decisions and had some problems long before she came into his life. However, I DO see this girl as being violent. My ex S used love and flattery to control me and seemed perfectly normal to the outside world. This girl is seen as crazy by anyone who comes in contact with her and has already threatened my husband and me. I have to assume that she threatens my son when she doesn’t get her way as well. Maybe I watch too much TV but my gut tells me that this girl is dangerous. And, her ex mother-in-law sees her in the same light. She said she feared she would stab her son in his sleep…I have these same fears but all I can do is pray. Yes, I’ve attended some Alanon meetings in the past…they were helpful…I’ll go back.
If you have IBS, then please read The Vicious Cycle. This book was written for you.
I’ll do that! Yes, IBS has been a problem for me most of my life.
UPDATE ON MY SON: I sent my son an email early this morning asking him what size pants he’s wearing now…noticed that he’d gained a little weight the last time I saw him and I was ordering his Christmas gifts. He just popped up in the IM and starting telling me not to worry about getting him anything, etc. Told him it was too late and that I had already ordered it. He thanked me and said that he guessed he could use some pants for work. He started chatting away just like always. Talked about his work, etc. This was on gmail chat. I noticed that in the middle of our chat he selected the option to go off the record so that our chat would not be saved in his account! I don’t think he realized that I could see that he did that on my end. He chatted a little about how he realized that he must be getting old because clothes are coming back as retro styles that he remembers wearing as a kid. Joked around some about the 80s and asked me if I was going to start wearing big hair again, etc. I was friendly towards him and didn’t mention her nor did he. He then told me that he guessed he’d better run, told me that he loved me (BEFORE I told him) and would chat with me from his work tomorrow.
Y’all I know we said NC but when he suddenly popped up after not talking to me, I just couldn’t bring myself to ignore him. I really don’t think it had anything to do with the fact that I had asked him about his pants size, either. He knows that I’d never not get him a Christmas gift. It may have had something to do with seeing my husband at the store earlier and my husband’s willingness to talk to him. His girlfriend normally has to work on Sundays and would have been due to arrive home around 7. I noted that it was 5 minutes before 7 when he said he needed to go. I think it’s just as I suspected. She made him give his cell phone back that was on our family plan and will not allow him to have another one to prevent him from talking to me. I had also suspected that she had demanded his email password and had intercepted some messages that I had sent him inquiring as to how he was doing and why he had stopped talking to me because he never responded and my mother told me that he said he hadn’t heard a word from me in weeks. I honestly believe the girl told him that my husband and I had said that we no longer wanted any part of him or something of that nature and that’s why he told his friend that he didn’t plan on talking to me again. And, when he took our chat off the record, that told me that he had to hide the fact that he had talked to me from this girl. It’s his personal home computer…he’d have no other reason for doing that!
I’m sorry but my gut tells me that it’s best if I continue to communicate with my son when he reaches out to me but avoid any talk about her and certainly WITH her. It’s like I said before, he knows me but I believe that she has tried to mess with his mind where my husband and I are concerned. I honestly feel as long as I continue to treat him in the same manner that I always have that it will help him see that she is telling him lies about me and possibly lead to him seeing her for what she really is. I’m not going to make first contact with him but when he contacts me to chit chat, I just don’t feel that I should ignore him. I want him to know that I’m still the same old mom that he’s always had. It’s not ME that is trying to force him to make a choice between me and her and a baby. It’s her! I want him to realize this on his own. It did make me a little sad that he has to hide the fact that he has talked to me. And, apparently that he feels more at ease talking to me from work. No son should have to to sneak to talk to his mother. I suspect that she’s afraid that I might tell him some things that she has done where we are concerned that he doesn’t know about. That’s how she operates. She tries to make people angry at each other so they will not talk to each other, compare notes and catch her in her lies.
Then follow your gut, Tami. You may be his only lifeline. But be careful about getting sucked into any drama, especially involving you sending money.
Oh, no…nobody is getting any money from me. And, I do plan to stay NC with her but I feel that I need to keep an open line of communication with him. I also remembered something about his nature. He is very strong willed. Unfortunately, he inherited that from me. It’s a good characteristic to have if we use it properly but can sometimes be our own worst enemy. NOBODY is going to tell him what to do. He may be pacifying her right now because she’s pregnant but she’ll soon learn that if she tells him NOT to do something, he’ll then “do it or die” as they say. That’s why I know better than to attempt to tell him how badly he needs to get away from her…he’ll stay with her then, for sure! No drama for me, either.
Tami,
I just read the whole of your story about your son. It sounds to me that you and your son tend to have a healthy relationship… he knows he can get emotional support from you, but normally nothing else, and does not ask for it either (makes me think that at least he considers his choices his responsibility).
It sounds like he ‘knows’ the truth, but is not ready to accept it yet and clinging to the hope he’s wrong.
Both for you and your son it will be best to not talk about her… But I do not see any issue with being a listening ear if he at some point comes to trust you to reveal some of doubts and issues with her. You can’t do or say much about it, except that when he would talk about solutions that show he puts her responsibilities with her, and his own with his and tries to act according to this in little steps… that’s when you can be supportive of it… It has to be his initiative, his idea… but if and whe he utters such, he’s probably seeking verification that he’s doing the right thing. Supporting such in a head-clear and neutral manner can do wonders.
I know it did with me, when my mother did that. She didn’t know he was a spath, and knew almost nothing of how bad it was… she only knew he was a young, rash man who needed to make his own choices and take up basic responsibilities in his life, and encouraged me whenever I uttered the notion that he should and that I expected this from him. (And I’m very head strong and strong willed… when people tell me I shouldn’t do something, I will prove them that I have the right to at least learn on my own, evne if it means banging my head into a wall)
My financial situation was such last year that I had to lend money from my parents. It’s the first time in my life that I had to ask that, and I felt very ashamed of it. They gave me the money I asked and I’ve been paying back a fixed sum every month. My bank loan will be paid off in May. The money to my parents in August. After that I can start to pay off the credit. It was this loan from my parents though that prompted me to stop giving my ex-spath any financial help, whether directly to him or anybody else official that needed to be paid for his papers or whatever other excuse. It’s no coincidence he actively sought a replacement for me around the same time. But in the end, the fact that I had to swallow my pride and admit to my parents that I couldn’t be financially independent and needed help (instead of solving my problems myself), and that they had trusted me to help ME, helped when it comes to loyalty choices… in the end I was more loyal to my parents than him (aside from head-strong, I’m a very loyal person). I recognized they lent the money to help ME and to help me with MY debt, NOT him, and I felt like a thief and abuser of that help and trust if I were to use it for him, instead of myself. And I could not allow him to do that to them through me. Couple of weeks later he called me in the middle of the night, because he wanted me to pay my bill (of 10$) in a bar at his town. I had been paying so many bills, including his rent (and his drugs), and plane tickets, and lawyers to legalize HIS divorce and other shit-drama in the year before that, that I actually told him: nope… he could pay of my bill for once. He was there, and the money it would cost me to send 10$ over western union to the bar owner would be more than the 10$ and thus absolutely ridiculous.
When I read about the “emergency-drama-rama” contacts this girl has made to you, she sounds so totally like my ex-spath. I just couldn’t fathom what trouble ‘befell’ him so OFTEN. But after a long while, I did start to become numb to it, and a loud inner voice told me they were his trouble, not mine to pay for.
So, I agree with you and everyone else here to go NC with her. I have been thinking about your story and how upset your mother was with you… is it possible she can get money from your mother?
It seems to me that the lure in your son is
a) he wants a family
b) he has a concerned family who want to help and she hopes to get money out of.
Once she cannot get any money out of any of you, chances are she’ll drop your son.
Tami, I agree, if you can keep up a supportive relationship without being enabling, hopefully your son will come around. The NC with and NC in discussing her may help if and when he does come around.
When my son C was married to the psychopath we had a very superficial relationship and quite distant…and I sort of “blamed” this on her, but in the end, after she was arrested for trying to kill him, he “saw the light” and seemed to come around….but when things calmed down later, and he started to lie to me again…I realized that I HAD BEEN EXCUSING HIS CHOICES as “her doings” but in reality he used her as an excuse to do what HE REALLY WANTED TO DO. I am now essentially NC with my son C almost 2 years now since I asked him to leave my home after he lied to me. I realize that I have excused his bad behavior in the past, just not wanted to see how HE was doing what he wanted to do, and it was to ALLOW others, with him KNOWING that they were abusing me, to continue. I can no longer trust him even though he is not a psychopath, he is just a flawed man. I do talk to him from time to time about our MUTUAL BUSINESS of trying to keep his psychopathic brother from killing us and keep him in prison, as well as trying to keep my egg donor from giving my P son Patrick money.
It was a total mind fark though to admit to myself finally, that my son C was making his own choices, and that I could no longer be “supportive” to him. Him NOT being a psychopath made it harder.
Your son is making his own choices, and with alcohol and/or drugs being part of that choice, and him knowing that you do not approve of these choices, makes it difficult for you to have a relationship of any depth with him as long as he continues in these choices. Hopefully though, he will get down “low enough” that he will start to look up and your emotional (not financial) support will help him climb out of the hole he has dug for himself. I don’t think keeping a “door open” for communication with him is a bad thing. It may be a life line if and when HE decides to “get clean and sober.”
In any case, as long as she is in the picture and as long as he is doing the “self medication’ with alcohol and/or drugs, the relationship can’t be what you would wish it could be and That will be a sorrow. I hope and pray that he WILL see the light and HELP HIMSELF. God bless you and him. (((hugs))) When the psychopaths get hooked up in our lives they wound those we love and us as well.