UPDATED FOR 2024. Once a psychopath, antisocial or narcissist is an adult, there is no therapy, and no medication, which will make him or her into a normal, loving person. This malignant person will not change.
You may find this shocking. In these days of medical miracles, it’s hard to believe that there is no treatment for someone who, on the surface, appears to be so normal.
So why won’t malignant people change? Here are seven reasons:
- They don’t want to change
For any therapy to work, you have to want to change. Malignants don’t think there is anything wrong with them. Although you and other people are distressed by their behavior, they aren’t. Therefore, they have absolutely no motivation to do the hard work of personal change.
Read more: What’s a sociopath?
- They feel superior
Malignants have no conscience and no morals. They view the rest of us, who can be troubled by conscience and feelings, with scorn. Psychopaths, antisocials and narcissists view the world as predators and prey — they are the predators and everyone else is prey. They consider themselves to be at the top of the food chain.
- They feed off of your emotional reactions
One self-described narcissist describes this as “fuel.” Any time they provoke an emotional response from you — positive or negative — they are energized. They are rewarded. Why would they want to give this up by changing their behavior?
- They get a thrill out of lying and conning
This is called “duping delight” — the sense of satisfaction, of achievement, that malignants experience when they pull one over on you. Lying and manipulating puts them in power, and they crave power.
- They’re wired for domination
We all have several distinct behavioral systems that are linked to specific pathways in the brain, according to Dr. Liane Leedom. She recently explained this in an episode of the True Lovefraud Stories podcast called, Biological foundations of our relationships. One of the behavioral systems is the dominance system. In psychopaths, antisocials and narcissists, the dominance system is out of control. Changing it would mean changing this deep brain system — extremely difficult to do.
- They don’t know any other way of life
The age of onset for these disorders ranges from young childhood to young adulthood. Most disordered individuals are showing symptoms by their teen years. If the malignants in your life are adults, they have probably been manipulating as long as they can remember. It’s all they know.
- They’re evil and they like it
Evil doesn’t happen in a vacuum — it is behavior that harms or injures others. Malignants engage in evil behavior without a twinge of empathy, guilt or remorse. This makes you fear them. They like being feared — it means they’re in a position of power.
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Sept. 26, 2016.
New Year’s Resolutions for Recovering from a Sociopath
I believe this totally. This describes our youngest adopted son. So very sad about it.
My son as well. Everything in this article is true.
He is a 34 year old adult now, and I have had to accept t
that he will never change and I have also had to accept no contact.
Life is simply not good if he is in it.
I have to had to accept that ALL 3 of our grown sons are psychopaths of one kind or another. The oldest just got his PhD in education last winter! The younger 2 are twins; all 3 in their 30s. None have much of any use or interest in contact with me. Their lives revolve around their psychopath father. The oldest sees me for lunch, maybe 2-3 times a year, when he comes out here, to his father’s farm..otherwise, I never see or hear from him (except for modest gifts for my birthday/Xmas)..when I do meet up with any of them, there is NO loving, comfort, interest in MY life; its all about them, or I hear NOTHING AT ALL for weeks/months at a time. Its gotten easier for me to have NO CONTACT at all, then try to reach out and be rejected/treated with condescending/arrogant ways.
after I wrote this comment Sept 28th; I had a supper date with oldest son (the Phd in Education son) in early October. He texted me twice, to make sure I was coming to eat supper with him. He and his 5 year old boy were there. Supper was followed by a lecture of length, from him..of my lack of visits/caring/gifts for his family and the other 2 sons and their families. He made it quite plain, that he was spokesperson for all 3 sons. I am being quite selfish for taking care of myself, and having little or no time for them or their children. And that someday,I would become senile, feeble and they WOULD have to take care of me. I mostly listened, but when I tried to point out a couple of episodes of me reaching out to them and being treated coldly; he made excuses. Also, he insisted on an apology to each, for my past behavior (or lack of it) and promise future better attentive loving hehavior. He paid the bill for our meals; I said goodbye and we went our separate ways. Apologize? I dont think so.
Omg.
This episode must have been like a dream…or should I say nightmare.
You did something that I could never ever do again. That is go to meet SON, with or without his children. How did it feel when he asked you to do this, to meet up? I am trying to figure out how I would feel if SON asked me to meet and all I can feel is sick to my stomach. I feel for you so much.
He (as the apparent spokesperson for all) actually said these things to you (?!). About your so called selfishness and about you getting old and being alone (do you really seriously think they will take care of you?). He has some nerve. Is he not aware of how you feel and why you have distanced yourself from them?
SON is very aware about how I feel and I cannot ever fathom him asking me to meet with him. Especially to lecture ME. Omg I say again. You must be livid?
Excuses. Yes. That is what they do.
Promises of future better attentive loving behavior? To what end? What is it that he (they) now need from you I wonder? A parental ‘cover’ so they can appear normal? Help with their children? Do your sons have spouses?
This must have been so strange for you. It seemingly occurred out of the blue?
regretfullymine
I am so sorry your adult son with a five year old son himself thought that was appropriate behavior.
Teenagers rant about what awful parents they have, but adults with children are supposed to have enough experience to know that parenting is done with no forward knowledge but always backwards consequences.
It is GALLING that he brought a five year old to hear him speak to his mother that way, that is the type of emotional trauma that would change the way a child sees his world. I think your son retains the parental alienation programming that he learned from his father.
I will share that my daughter was cruel to me in that way as well, but… by age 30, she seems to have emotionally matured and realizes that I love her, that if I knew to do better, because I love her I would have, that I did make decisions thinking to do the best for her, even if that was not the best for me (b/c once she was grown and able to care for herself, then and only then would my focus be to chose what was best for me.) and that ALL my decision were made from a place of LOVE.
So, as cruel and inappropriate as he was, there is a chance for him to eventually emotionally mature as well and not be so critical and condemning. His demand, for you to give to him exactly what he wants they way he wants it, where he gets to demean you and he has no accountability or obligation for human decency towards you, well, file that away as an event, a symptom of the disconnect he has with you… and with his own son… b/c it surely has nothing to do with who you are.
OMG, does anyone else see the emotional abuse of such a shaming convo in front of a 5 yr old son?
Take care and hug yourself; what a nightmare… I can too easily imagine your heartbreak.
Regret-
I have a BPD son. At the age of 27, he told me,”Now that I’m independent, what do I need you for?” and exited my life.
It took me several years and writing a book to scrape myself off the floor! “Unfathomable heartbreak” is the deliberate disappearance of your only child from your life.
For me, it crystallized that he was truly unable to feel the bonds of love. And that nothing actually mattered to him except himself.
It’s been 9 years. I will never stop loving my child. But I realize, he’s truly incapable of love. He has a disorder that screws up his brain.
He called me last November, out of the blue. He’d blocked my phone and on Thanksgiving, I got a call from a “blocked” number. I had the feeling it was him, and had no idea what I would say to him. I decided to let the call go to voicemail.
His message said, “Hi Mom! I hope you’re well. Just wanted to let you know I love you.”
He left no number to call him back. He obviously didn’t care whether or not I love him, or perhaps, he knows empirically that I do, so he didn’t care whether I told him or not….. and wanted to deny me the ability to tell him.
Two days later I got another voicemail. This one said, “It’s me. That call was a mistake. It’ll never happen again.”
I’ve recognized that all I was to my son was a meal ticket and a punching bag. He still thinks I’m his punching bag. He’s totally destroyed my trust. And the only way I could ever have a conversation with him is if a therapist that specializes in Borderline Personality Disorder calls me to arrange an appointment because he is treating my son, or if my son writes to me and tells me he realizes he has this disorder and is doing what he can to deal with it.
I have no hope that it will ever happen.
Thanks for the constant reminders Donna! Always a big help!
The realization a person with a disorder cannot change is, thankfully, our mantra to carry on and stay healthy.
Firsthand experience shows once exposed, or taken to task thru the legal system, they will present a new faux personality to regain favor, which is their ace in the hole to regain position.
Remember preservation of self and those you love, but NEVER reopen your heart.
Stay strong.
Keep on keeping on. Not with the disordered.
DJ
Don…well said. So true. This simple mantra is our life line! A person with a disorder cannot change…..
So true!! I tried councilling, medicattion, books, everything I could think of but he NEVER changed. S glad he is out of my life now!!
So hard to believe. Still trying to wrap my head around this
Hear hear Donna,
That website is creepy. And the book Fuel is just about the most down and dirty facts and figures information about being highly disordered of ANY I have read. It just boils it down to numbers. Period. Fascinating. And left me with no lingering doubts about ‘but why’?
donna et al,
I haven’t been here is quite a while, but have been meaning to mosey over and see if anyone had written an article on Donald Trump. I didn’t find anything in the search.
Can you direct me?
thanks,
one joy
Having a son with BPD, I’d like to point out a couple of things….
1. There actually seems to be some recent developments in treatment for people with Borderline Personality Disorder, one of several character disorders comprising “Cluster B” in DSM. There are two specific treatment models. But they view the patient as the victim, and don’t seem to address taking responsibility for the harm they do to others.
2. Character disorder does not simply begin at childhood. When we speak about a “genetic pre-disposition” what we’re really saying is that there is the possibility that their DNA, passed along through their genetics, will mold development issues into character disorder. Some children will not become character disordered when experiencing the same impacts as the other children in the family. Their individual genetics can explain why.
Well said.
BPD is quite a different disorder than SP/P.
You are quite right in that research is beginning to reveal that there indeed could be a genetic proponent.
All that being said, treatments always do seem to focus on the disordered person as being a victim. I do not agree. I also do not wish to ever have contact with SON again. Too much has ‘gone down’ for me to want to have anything more to do with him. I am not ‘hopeful’ that there is a treatment for socio/psychopathy. I cannot fathom it even being possible, as their very brains are in fact smaller and missing the necessary component for humaneness. Much like a pedophile. There is no treatment for that either, as it is now thought that some of them are born with that disorder. It is even alluded to that a small body stature and other various physical anomalies are evident in these types of pedophiles.
Cheers for your post, though. In BPD, treatment may be a real possibility. That would be wonderful.
Bev-
There’s a great deal of research going on with oxytocin. There is hope that an intranasal spray can relieve some of the symptoms of autism. Oxytocin receptors are at the heart of developing emotional empathy and conscience.
I recognized, in early childhood, that my son had no emotional empathy. Back then, even therapists didn’t make the association between empathy development and conduct disorder…. that’s how they refer to kids who are menaces before they reach 18.
If I’d known of a nasal spray to create empathy, and it’s value in making my child humane, I would surely have administered it. I’m hoping that modern medicine will develop medication along those lines.
It’s too late for our kids. But it could spare future generations.
Oh, that would be wonderful.
I am so sorry for what we have been through with our respective children.
We can and do go on 🙂
I’m often baffled by people who dismiss the harm of romance scams. They think- no biggie, just get past it and go on with your life. But when a child is born in that union, you will feel the effects of harm for your entire lifetime. And it takes a very strong constitution to go on.
As a fellow survivor who battles on despite the cruelty you’ve endured, I salute you!
So true. I have ‘changed’ so much since I have realized that SON is a SP/P and what that means. I went from a fragile person, wondering what was wrong with him, to a strong person who realizes the scope of who HE is and what I must now do for me.
I salute you, as well. It will go on for an entire lifetime, for sure.
I was hoping my 3 grown sons would NOT be psychopathic, like their dad..Im sure (now) that all 3 are, of one kind or another. I swear the oldest began, when he turned 16 and got his first driver’s license. I used to believe it was the new freedom to be his own boss behind the wheel; but now Im sure I know better..After 16, he only wanted me for clean laundry, money for meals in town (to be with his friends he said). Nothing else I offered as mom, mattered. Only his dad’s opinions/ideas counted for anything. The mockery/criticisms of me/my family, being ignored..only got stronger as he got older. The younger twin boys were somewhat better..but in the last few years I’ve lost them too.