You’ve probably been shocked, even blindsided, by the behavior of the sociopath. Why? Because his or her behavior violates your longstanding, lifelong models of what it means to be human and how people should act. Following are eight ways people often attempt to control a sociopath. They all fail.
Remember, a sociopath, according to the Lovefraud author Dr. Liane Leedom, is someone who preys on and/or damages nearly everyone they spend time with. Clinically, they could be diagnosed with antisocial, narcissistic, borderline, histrionic or psychopathic personality disorder.
You may look up the definitions of these disorders and decide that they seem to fit the person who is creating havoc in your life. Still, the checklists and summaries you find on the Internet do not capture how profoundly pathological these people are.
Sociopaths are fundamentally different from regular human beings. They do not have the ability to love, and they are driven by their obsession with dominance. The structures our society has developed to enable us all to get along, to moderate behavior and maintain order, mean nothing to them. Sociopaths violate social norms at will.
Here are common approaches for attempting to control a sociopath — and how they all fail.
1 . You appeal to his or her conscience
Ha! This is a key concept to understand: Sociopaths do not have a functioning conscience. They may understand on an intellectual level the difference between right and wrong. But they have no emotional attachment to doing what is right, and no qualms about doing what is wrong.
Therefore, you cannot appeal to them to do what is right, even on important issues like providing for their children.
2. You have a “special” relationship
You’ve seen the sociopath be rude to wait staff, abusive to exes or perhaps even violent toward animals or people. He or she has stolen from stores or scammed insurance companies. But you believe that your relationship is “special” and you’ll never be treated that way.
You’re in for a rude awakening. Either you haven’t been damaged yet, and your turn will come. Or you are being damaged, but you don’t know it. Sociopaths take advantage of every significant person in their lives. There are no exceptions.
3. You threaten to expose the sociopath
Narcissists, especially, seem to be concerned about their image, so you may think threatening to expose their behavior will get them to change. Don’t count on it.
Why not? Well, he or she may have already run a smear campaign against you. They may have told your family, friends, boss, co-workers and neighbors that you’re a liar, addict, mentally challenged, whatever. Your reputation has already been undermined, so no one will believe you.
Even if you do expose them, it may have no effect. For example, I exposed my ex-husband, James Montgomery, in the newspaper as a military fraud. He lost a speaking gig. He lost his job. He even lost his volunteer position as a museum tour guide. Did he change his behavior? Not a bit.
4. You control the money (you think)
You’re the one with the income, the house, the assets. If the sociopath gets out of line, you’ll just cut off the money. It sounds good, but it frequently doesn’t work.
The “con” in con artist is short for “confidence.” Con artists work by building your confidence in them. They present themselves as worthy of your trust or your sympathy. Once you believe them, it’s difficult for you to see that they’re playing you. Your brain just doesn’t want to go there.
This is why sociopaths push you to sign the dotted line — marriage or pregnancy — quickly. My ex-husband convinced me to put thousands of dollars on my credit cards for him. When I complained that the debt was his, he retorted, “We’re married. My debt is your debt.”
Read more: Cluster B personality disorders — antisocial, narcissistic, borderline, histrionic
Once you’re hooked, sociopaths use all the tricks in the book to keep the money flowing. They plead, demand, criticize, cry, blame, threaten, isolate, lie and steal. They are so manipulative that you no longer control your money. They do.
5. You report the sociopath at work
Suppose you work with or for the sociopath. You get along okay for a while, but then his or her behavior becomes inappropriate or downright abusive. You’ve been to all the trainings about reporting bad behavior, so you report it.
Will anything happen? It depends on how serious the company is about upholding its policies. It also depends on if the sociopath has become ingratiated with the boss or upper management, or if the sociopath has already run a smear campaign against you.
Even if the sociopath is reprimanded or fired, his or her behavior won’t change. And now you’re an enemy, so the sociopath may find a way to retaliate.
6. You make a sociopath sign a contract
I tried this with the first con man I encountered, before my ex-husband. He wanted me to invest in buying and selling a Corvette. I agreed. Then the Corvette needed more work than expected, and the guy asked me for more money. My intuition screamed, “DON’T DO IT.”
I overruled my instincts. I rationalized that I hadn’t demanded in writing that he pay me back the first time, so this time I’d make him sign an agreement. I drew up a contract. He happily signed it. Needless to say, I never saw my money again.
I’ve heard similar stories from others targeted by sociopaths. The bottom line is, they will sign anything to get what they want, but the contracts mean nothing.
7. You file a lawsuit
The sociopath has violated your contract (see above). Or owes you money. Or defames you. Or keeps filing frivolous court motions against you. You want the bad behavior to stop. You file a lawsuit. Here’s what you need to understand: For sociopaths, lawsuits mean game on.
Either, they LOVE going to court. They love the drama. They love the opportunity to smear you. They love draining you financially by running up your legal bills.
Or, they don’t care about court at all. During my divorce, my ex-husband was supposed to fill out a financial statement of income and expenses. He returned the form completely blank. Then he fired his attorney, said he was representing himself and never showed up. The court awarded me all the money I asked for. It didn’t matter. My ex never paid.
Here’s another concern: Sociopaths tend to hire sociopathic attorneys. So now you’re fighting two of them. And the sociopath may buy off your attorney, so you get lousy representation. There are countless ways in which a lawsuit can go wrong. Be forewarned.
8. You get the sociopath arrested
The first step in getting a sociopath arrested is identifying a law that he or she violated. Dealing drugs, stealing cars and defrauding insurance companies are obvious crimes. Lying is not a crime, except for in court or on official documents. Convincing you to buy him or her a truck is not a crime. Even pretending to be someone else in order to get you into bed is not a crime.
If a sociopath does get arrested, then the real work begins — the crime needs to be proven. This is the job of the prosecutor. Prosecutors have wide discretion in choosing what cases they will pursue. If a case isn’t a slam dunk win, many prosecutors won’t even try. Even if a case does go to court, lots can go wrong before there’s a guilty verdict.
The prosecutor could blow the case. The defense attorneys could be really good. Witnesses could fail to testify. The judge could have biases. The jury could fail to reach a verdict. Then, even if the sociopath is found guilty, the punishment could be a slap on the wrist.
In the end, justice may not prevail.
What to do
Sociopaths are pretty much impossible to control. They have no conscience, no morals, and don’t care about social norms. They are only concerned about their own self-interest. You might be able to influence them by rewarding behavior that you want. But this will only work as long as they want the reward that you’re offering.
The bottom line is this: If you realize you’re dealing with a sociopath, the best thing to do is to get the person out of your life.
Learn more: FREE! Your first step towards real recovery from narcissistic abuse and trauma
Why everything falls apart after the sociopath