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8 reasons why we can’t see what’s wrong with the sociopath

“I could smell the smoke, but I could never find the fire.” That’s how one Lovefraud reader explained her experience with a sociopath. She sensed that something was terribly wrong, but could never figure out what it was.

Other Lovefraud readers described the same situation this way, “I knew something was off, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.”

Why is this? Why can’t we see what later turns out to be massive lying, exploitation and betrayal?

Following are eight reasons why we may suspect that something about the sociopath isn’t right, but we don’t identify it.

  1. We don’t know sociopaths exist.

No one tells us that 12% of women and 16% of men — 47 million people in the U.S. — are seriously disordered. How can we watch out for trouble that we don’t know about?

  1. We don’t know the warning signs of sociopathic behavior.

Yes, there are distinct patterns of disordered behavior — I catalogue them in my book, Red Flags of Lovefraud — 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath. But no one tells us them either.

  1. Sociopaths seem so normal.

Even if we had heard about sociopaths, we believe they’re criminals, drug dealers or serial killers. Who knew they could disguise themselves as pillars of the community?

  1. We don’t know the sociopaths are lying.

Sociopaths lie like they breathe. They are totally convincing. And humans can only spot lies 53% of the time. We don’t stand a chance.

  1. The sociopath is saying, “I love you.”

We’re being told how wonderful, smart, talented and beautiful we are. Of course, we want to believe it — so we also believe everything else the sociopath tells us.

  1. The sociopath always has a believable explanation.

On the few occasions where we do question the sociopaths, they have a reasonable excuse or explanation.

  1. We try asking questions — but stop.

After a few attempts at disputing the sociopaths — and being told we are paranoid, bipolar or untrusting — we learn it is better to keep our mouths shut.

  1. Everyone else thinks the sociopath is wonderful.

Friends, acquaintances and co-workers all think the sociopaths are terrific. If we are the only people with doubts, we assume the problem is us.

So how about you? What blocked your ability to perceive what was going on with the sociopath? Please add to the list by describing your experiences in the comments below.


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10 Comments on "8 reasons why we can’t see what’s wrong with the sociopath"

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Here are some I thought of:

9. We have beliefs that don’t apply in sociopathic relationships (ex: everyone wants love and is good, ‘deep down’. You should always ‘turn the other cheek’. There are always two equal-sides to the story, etc…)

Yes, we are taught those things. Benefit of the doubt. Everyone wants and deserves love. Love unconditionally.

None of these things hold true when dealing with disordered people.

8. everyone thinks they are wonderful. well most are very 2 faced- nice to those above and abusive to those below, so most think they are o.k. because they pretend to be o.k. to most.

10. They are charming smooth talkers, and they love bomb the their victims until they finally surrender to their mercy. Then they become the sociopaths play toy.

11. The sociopath goes into victim mode and uses pity to win the sympathy of others. When things begin to unravel or the sociopath senses that people are onto him, the tears flow and we had it all wrong. He is really just a poor, pitiful person who needs some understanding and more time to straighten out his problems. How can we possibly be so heartless and blame the victim?

Whatever you do, do not fall for this and pay no attention to “friends” who try to make you feel guilty for not standing by your man. His problem is that he is a sociopath, and there is no therapy and no cure. Any addictions he has are a symptom of the sociopathy, not the real problems. Go no contact, or he will take you down with him.

In my case, MY friends/family did NOT like him..that made ME stamd by him even more. I don’t believe anybody in my life wanted us to be together, let alone get married. I didn’t listen, I was too blinded, had NO idea that guys like him were out there. And the marriage books I was reading all said “submit to your husband, just love him, try to understand him, stand by him’..he will be a good man if you do these things’..

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Happiness beyond silence nice translation. italian?

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