Sociopaths troll for victims with online ads

I live in Australia. I always considered myself a good judge of character, and when I met “Prince Charming”, I was ambivalent (to say the least). My instincts told me to run a mile – but, after many social contacts, my logical mind was saying “what evidence is there to support that feeling – he is so charming, popular and open”. After some months of persistent, but polite, invitations, I agreed to have a coffee at his place and meet a couple of his neighbours (male and female). They obviously thought highly of him, the conversation was interesting – and I was hooked.

There was never any pressure for sex or anything else. I later realised that he could afford to be patient as I was one of a number of women he had at various stages – grooming, active relationship, or disengagement phases. I later counted at least 29 women (usually divorcees, or the occasional never-married woman – like myself), who he had brief or longer relationships with during the time I knew him. Some were being groomed as potential sex partners (he was a risk-taking massochist and bi-sexual), whilst others were being groomed for what they could offer – money, transport, accomodation, entree to certain social circles, business contacts, services (such as minding his unit, doing his taxation, organizing parties etc).

After months of occasional coffees, he began telling me about his problems with a female business partner in the UK. He said he had come up with a new idea for a singles organization – which had become really popular and which made lots of money – but she did the day-to-day running of it whilst he travelled the world and would appear for special functions and to “brain storm” new ideas for the business. This organisation did exist, and I met his business partner whilst I was on holiday in the UK – another lady hanging out for the promised (or implied) marriage.

I provided him with information and advice to help him to get a Disability Support pension (tax-free regular income with medical and other concessions). I agreed to look after his unit while he went to the UK to sort out his partnership and finances. On his return, with the financial problems sorted, he began to flash around his money – he would never go out with notes of less than $100 in his wallet. He bought me some presents (a nice black onyx necklace, a leather brief-case, a subscription to a UK glossy magazine). He talked about how much he would enjoy showing me the sites of the world. He talked about how devastated he was when his wife had divorced him some years previously. He said their marriage broke up after she had a miscarriage (he also later said it broke up after he found her in bed with another woman). He would say that he doubted he could ever marry again – whilst at the same time hinting that he was changing his mind where I was concerned.

One day he invited me to read a letter he was composing. It was to be sent to a number of women around the world (London, Boca Raton, Los Angeles, New York etc), who he had contacted through placing ads in personals. He would slightly change the details, but basically, it was a stock letter (mentioning his cat, his walks on the beach outside his front door, work on his Saab, his plans for spending time with her etc etc). His ad would be along the lines of “English businessman, financially independent, resident in Australia, visiting……, would like to meet unattached lady for friendship and continuing relationship”. He would send emails, letters, and make long phone calls. When he arrived, he would have one night booked at a hotel, but would inevitably be invited to stay with the chosen victim who would have met him at the airport. He would arrive from “business class” dressed in an expensive suit, carrying his briefcase, and wearing his Rolex. He would be charming, make implied promises – and sometimes even give them a ring before he left on URGENT business. He was quite proud of the fact that he never paid for more than one night’s hotel accomodation – but had EVERYTHING he wanted. One lady kept a room set aside for him for years for his occasional visits.

He would make a big thing out of having his Will changed to leave everything to the women – who would often feel they should reciprocate. He thought that the fees involved in getting his Will changed often would be a good investment if one of these women actually died. One woman, who sent him wonderful romantic poetry (which he binned) did die of cancer, but fortunately, toward the end, saw his lack of support or feeling, and changed her Will to leave everything to her parents (he was most annoyed).

On one occasion, he and another female friend were jointly composing ads for the personals – using the old bait of “friendship view possible marriage”. I pointed out that neither of them intended getting married and that they were not only wasting someone’s time, but also likely to cause considerable hurt. They both thought my concerns were quite hilarious – and that people needed to “learn a lesson” not to be so gullible.

I have obviously edited out a lot from this story – mainly about how hard I found it to extricate myself from his influence. It was a sort of fascination, I suppose – similar to a cat hypnotising its prey. I did extricate myself after asking a psychologist their opinion and advice on how to handle his stalking, suicide threats, and threatened violence – all of which appeared after he realised he was losing control of me. He tried to interfere in my later marriage and accused us of “plotting” or “talking” against him.

Women of the world – you can breath easy – he died of lung cancer – but still has an influence on my confidence in myself and my abilities to deal with a psychopath. Robert Hare’s book “Without Conscience” was a huge help in understanding what I had been up against – and in repairing my battered self-esteem.