LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: This is not love, but poison

Editor’s note: The following letter was sent by a reader to Lovefraud. It is posted with the permission of the author.

After dating Charles for a year (“the four seasons” — a term he used often in our relationship and his simultaneous relationship with Sue, it was the marker of when we would marry), I got the answer I was looking for. I had added “Family Locator Service” to my cell phone, placed my extra phone is his car and waited until 4 a.m. to have the nerve to do the fatal search. There it was in black and white — my worst fears are true. He was living with another woman. Her name is Sue, widow and mother of two children almost the same age as my own. Another family in the making less than 10 miles from my house. I am “the other woman.”

I am writing this as a friendly reminder to myself because I seem to have a hard time remembering the lies and deception. I find myself making excuses and looking for some truth to hold on to about our supposed “love.” (Our Once In A Lifetime Love — after “our” song by Alan Jackson.) How does anyone pretend not to know the things they know? What is acceptable if you love someone? Why do I feel the need for someone else to love me in order to feel any comfort in myself?

Meeting him

I met Charles online in February of 2006. I responded to an email he sent from “LOOKING4MORE.” After chatting online for a couple of weeks we decided to meet in person. Our relationship had begun. We talked and chatted for hours. Over time, he became part of my life. He would elaborate about how great our life would be together. He wanted to take care of me and provide for me like I had only imagined. He didn’t want me to work because “it was his job to provide for me and take care of me.” Big houses, fancy cars, luxurious vacations — you name it, he was there! Despite his words, there was always that little voice in my head telling me it’s too good to be true. Not to mention my senses telling me something was drastically wrong. What my senses were telling me was that everything he said was A LIE — ALL LIES!

As I continued my search for truth, I discovered he had been living with Sue for a year and a half…family portraits, vacations, looked at houses and rings, coached her daughter’s softball team. As a topper, she says he owes her $400,000. He told Sue he was in Oklahoma filing his dying aunt’s will when he was with me. (However, his aunt is very much alive.) They spent holidays and celebrations together, all while he was professing his undying love to me.

The truth as I knew it was that he was living in his dad’s house, caring for his dad who had Alzheimer’s disease. Charles lied about living with his dad, in fact he never lived in his dad’s house. All the time, he had been living with Sue with his dad around the corner in a full care facility. As time went on and his dad passed away, he said the house sold and without asking, slowly started moving his things into my garage and home. Come to find out, he still has the house and it has been under construction to prepare for selling.

Fairytale

To make a long story short, I thought I was living the fairytale. I found my Prince, now I can become that Princess in my dreams. Charles bought me the most beautiful ring I had ever seen as we planned to marry. The ring was paid for with a check that was later returned — “account closed.” The owner of the jewelry store actually knocked on my front door with the check in his hand asking for the ring back. Charles returned the ring to the store to avoid criminal charges.

I could go on for pages with all the stories he told and I may over time, but for now, I ask my truest friend Linda (we walk together and share our daily adventures and turmoils—the only person who knows every step of my journey) to help me to remember so I can move on to the next chapter of my life, not look back and hopefully learn a valuable lesson. Here is what she said.

Linda remembers

I am Teri’s best friend. I have seen this relationship become. I have known both parties. I have seen and felt heights of joy and the depths of the pain of my friend in this rollercoaster relationship. I even questioned what is truth???

Then I remember: True love, is not deceptive, and like a tree that bears fruit after its kind, love or pretence will bear the fruit after its kind.

Whenever we are in confusion, and doubt, look at the fruit. As a corn plant bears corn, real love brings forth the same. If deceit, lies, dishonesty are the fruit, and it speaks clearly. This is not love.

There are many who wish to charm with the promise of dreams and love for their own gain at the expense of others. In saying this, look at your man ask yourself: Is this really real? Is this based on trust, honesty? A real love, ladies, does not seek to harm its own, and true love takes care of you first.

Promises and lies

My friend gave her heart, time and energy into this man. In return, he gave her some joy and much heartache. He questioned her every move, he was deceptive, having another family to his own, promising the same love to both. Promised the moon, the sun and the stars, only to bring embarrassment and heartache and yet more lies at each turn. He has not only charmed her but all of us. Try to remember, true love doesn’t seek its own —  it’s honest, true, dependable, trustworthy. And it doesn’t fail. One thing I have come to know with this man and his actions is that pain, deceit and lies are what he leaves as a continual wake of waves. This is not love, but a sick contrived person who cares for himself at the expense of others.

• Lie upon lie upon lies
• Two timed / three timed — proposals of marriage two different women at the same time
• Promised all these same ladies “the same thing” — houses, monies, cars, jewelry.
• Identical tactics with each one
• Monies lied about, finances manipulated, stolen, misused, misappropriated.
• Christmas and events/holidays promised to you, spent in the company of her

From the day he met you, it was one tale woven upon another. When the lies came out, he just came up with an answer to eventually wear you down, and win you back. You were his trophy; you fed his hunger, his dream, his ego. Too many plays, too many unkept promises, too many lies — you can not now even know what to trust.

Love yourself

Girlfriend, it all comes down to this:

Love yourself enough to say I deserve love from me, and from others. I deserve to stand up for myself, to not let myself be walked on or be disrespected. I love myself enough to be watchful and guard from someone working to manipulate me or try to feed me pretty lies because they think they can for their purpose. I will be the watcher for my heart and guardian for me and my children. I will be treated with respect and be loved with a love that is honest, true, dependable and faithful.

A love that leaves you with the pain of the dreams lost, the shattered illusion of what you thought was reality, yet in fact are empty lies and deception — a mere daydream of your heart.

This is not love but poison.