UPDATED FOR 2022. Lovefraud received an email from a reader whom we’ll call “Ingrid.” She brought up a question that I’ve heard over and over. Ingrid asked me why sociopaths cheat.
Just wondering if you could tell me why sometimes they stay with others longer as I feel he wants this new woman for his main supply even though he was trying for a baby with me. What does a main supply have that I didn’t? He seems settled with her.
Ingrid, most sociopaths cheat on their romantic partners. In fact, they are often cheating throughout the entire relationship, but it may take you a while to find out about it. Or you may have caught hints that the sociopaths were cheating, but they were able to explain the situations away. Eventually, however, you have so much evidence that you can no longer ignore their infidelity, even if they keep lying about it.
Admitting the truth to yourself, you are hurt and angry at their betrayal. You may also feel that in some way you were not “good enough,” and that’s why the sociopath strayed. The sociopath may actually tell you that — but don’t believe it.
What you need to understand is that sociopaths will cheat regardless of who you are or what you do.
Here is the basic truth: Sociopaths engage in romantic relationships not for love, but for exploitation. If a sociopath engages in a romantic relationship, it’s because the romantic partner is a target who has something that the sociopath wants. Â
What does the sociopath want?
So what does the sociopath want? It could be anything. Here are some possibilities:
1. Sex
Even if you are having regular, rambunctious sex with the sociopath, he or she will always be looking for a new sexual adventure. The new target may not be younger or more attractive — it’s just someone different.
2. Money
Many sociopaths are always on the lookout for someone whom they can scam for money. This is especially true if you are running low on funds because the sociopath has already convinced you to spend all your cash and run up your credit cards.
3. Housing
Sociopaths may like the new target’s accommodations better than yours. Or, the sociopaths may suspect that you’re getting ready to kick them to the curb, so they need a backup plan for living arrangements.
4. Connections
Sociopaths are frequently cooking up some “deal” or “project” — code for a scam — and the new target may know someone who knows someone who could be talked into participating.
5. EntertainmentÂ
Sociopaths sometimes start romantic pursuits for the fun of it, just to see if they can catch the target. This often happens with online involvements. Sociopaths keep sending texts and emails, proclaim love, promise to get together — and never show up. They never planned to show up — the whole involvement is nothing but a game.Â
These are just a few of the possible reasons for why sociopaths cheat. The truth is sociopaths do not even need a reason. The cheating may simply be that an opportunity presents itself and the sociopath pounces.
Sociopaths are incapable of love
If your romantic partner exhibits most or all of the the key symptoms of a sociopath, and you discover cheating, please don’t ask yourself, “What does that person have that I don’t have?”
Despite what sociopaths said in the past, they don’t love you and they never did, because they are incapable of love. So a new target just means that the sociopath has found someone else to exploit.
No happily ever after
So Ingrid, please understand:
1. There is no point in being a sociopath’s “main supply.” The main supply is just someone who has more to lose to the sociopath.
2. Perhaps the new target does have something that you didn’t have. Again, it means she has something else that the sociopath wants to take. This is not good for her.
3. If the sociopath seems “settled,” it’s only because the sociopath is engaged in a full-court press to snag the new target. Once she has been drained of everything the sociopath wants, she, too, will be discarded.
Here’s why sociopaths cheat: It’s just who they are and what they do. When sociopaths move on to new targets, you may want to feel sorry for them, but not jealous. No one lives happily ever after with a sociopath. All involvements are bad; it’s just a matter of how much damage the sociopath inflicts.
Lovefraud originally posted this story on August 17, 2015.
The myth of codependency in sociopathic relationships
@catnoch
I met him in Korea, and I thought I was “In love” I thought I found the love of my life and I was blinded by the love he showered me. I never acknowledged the things that he did like ask me to pay for a meal which became more common when we went out. He put me on a high that I never felt before but that high disappeared. everyone else saw something I did not. He was a fraud, but I wanted to believe different. I was determined to be with him because I loved the way he made me feel. Well let me get back to why we were in Korea. we were both soldiers and I was going to be a different duty station than him. He would leave earlier than me to go to Georgia. My heart sank and I tried everything to try to go where he would. We even tried to get married, but my Pastor and his Wife wanted to meet him. They did not agree with it, and they asked how long we knew each other. My pastor said no he wouldn’t. He was like a father to me. He knew I was naive or knew saw something I didn’t. So, when He went to his duty station in Georgia. I made sure he left knowing that I cared by packing up his bag with things he may need and gave him a stuffed animal. He never even gave me a kiss goodbye. I found it very odd. I felt like something was wrong with me. Anyhow it was my turn to leave for my duty station. He had already left to go to Georgia. I headed back to Virginia to visit my parents and family before heading to my duty station in Texas. I had also bought a plane ticket to go visit him in Georgia because I wanted to make it work so bad. I was love struck. When I touched down in GA my heart was beating so fast, and I was so excited to see him. He was happy too, but I don’t know how much. He had a guy friend and a girl at the airport and the girl was sizing me up, I’m guessing because she saw how much I loved him. We all went out to eat and he would hardly talk to me, and he would talk to his other friends but didn’t include me. I was puzzled. He didn’t talk much to me I remember. He only talked about going to a few places but with friends or just to buy something. I remember he did pay for one hotel room. I paid for everything else. The whole weekend trip was questionable. I myself loved him but I don’t think he loved me much. I put so much time, effort and energy for him but he didn’t show the same. I wish I chose to see those red flags. I think that I never felt that way before and I always wondered why i felt the way I did. Later on in life I realized that he is still a fraud. Every other year or 2 years I would receive emails from him asking me how I am but that would be it. He would even try to call when I was married. He would try everything like say he would come visit me for God knows why. And he would never follow through. He would ask for money and that’s when it all stopped. He never ever changed. I feel sorry for his wife and kids because he is a low life and has Absolutely no regard for anyone but himself. My husband and I have gone through a lot together and this almost ruined our marriage. I don’t want to go into details but I almost lost my husband and my kids. I am in therapy now because my self esteem is damaged and I feel used and abused and pretty much mad at how I was just a target for him to get money and anything else he wanted.
cob49 – I am so sorry for your experience, but glad that you escaped him. Please continue working on your therapy. You can overcome this.