Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader whom we’ll call “Myra.”
After 2 failed marriages and one long term relationship that failed, I thought I found Prince Charming, even with the baggage that came attached.
We all have it right? The key is to find someone that accepts and loves you regardless and will help you unpack that baggage.
Long story short, I was hit with the realization that my partner was a narcissist on December 9, 2015, after getting into a severe argument with him over how I was feeling regarding the relationship.
He asked me sweetly to tell him what was wrong, what was bothering me. Big mistake.
As soon as I opened up, he became enraged and made it all about him. I’m too needy, I’m dense, I’m crazy and I’m pushing him away with my behavior.
At first, I felt it was my fault for upsetting him, but then a voice inside me said, f*ck this, you feel how you feel for a reason, do not let this guy twist your words and emotions around anymore.
That night I came to the horrible realization that this Narc had been doing this too me the whole relationship. That is why I felt like I was losing my mind, angry, sad, depressed, withdrawn, unable to eat, cloudy brain, horrible anxiety etc.
I started putting the lies together and it all started to make sense.
He lied the whole relationship about everything ”¦ where he was, what he was doing and even who he was with.
Here I sit with 2 small babies, as he discarded us after I told him no more and I was on to his bullsh*t. I have no job, no money, but we are gonna make it.
So glad he’s gone.
Been to counseling because of abuse? Fill out the Therapy Satisfaction Survey – closing soon!
Hi Myra, You will absolutely make it 🙂 Things will be hard, but not seem as hard without him in the picture. when I left my spath, I had 2 older (11 & 14) & 2 babies (3 & 1) all to him. I was worried how I was going to make it – no job, no career, in a different state to support network, no money. But nearly 5 years later, I own my own home (Mortgaged of course), working in a great job with great career opportunities. The kids and I have never looked back. Life is so much easier without the drama he constantly caused. Not to mention no money being wasted away on frivolous (& probably other women) things.
The most important thing to help you build yourself up, is as Donna says – NO CONTACT. Because as soon as they see you making it without them, they want a piece of the action! NO CONTACT helped me build up my self esteem so I could get a job. Obviously I had to see him when we exchanged the kids, but I never said one word to him. We only communicated via Email to an email address especially for him. So I only opened it just before he was due a visit, or while he had the kids in case anything happened. I cannot stress how helpful that was to my healing. He had no oppoertunities to degrade or try to woo me, as if I noticed any email even having a whiff of that I put it in a “Dont read” folder & only kept it in case I would need it legally.
Good luck to you. Stay on this site, it is very helpful. It keeps you balanced & validates you.
My heart goes out to you and I send healing thoughts your way. Bravo to you for listening to your intuition! Our inner guidance is there for a reason and it does not lie. This site has been immensely helpful to me in maintaining no contact with the spath/narcissist. Almost every day there is a new story on here and we should all be grateful to those sharing their personal stories in this online community. Sometimes just one story or even one sentence can resonate enough with someone on their healing path.
It is interesting how you pointed out that he asked what was bothering you in a soft, sweet voice. Narcs are well aware that their selfish ways, gaslighting and pathological lies may eventually get to us and we may speak up. This sweet, hypnotic voice is used as a manipulation tactic to try to throw people off balance ”“ in the spath’s ideal world you will be driven to madness by their contrived drama and they want nothing more than for you to lose your mind, get angry, be unable to eat. Of course when you clearly called him out, he was so upset and raged! He hoped YOU would apologize and take the blame for HIS horrible actions. They put a lot of calculated effort into eroding your self-worth and intuition over time so it is no wonder they get angry when their investment doesn’t pay off the way they hoped it would.
I learned to not trust a word that comes out of their mouths, and they have quite the talent for writing emotionally-charged essays when it is IN THEIR INTEREST or to try to bait you back in ”“ it is all a game to them. Over time, I saw how words didn’t match actions, but I made note of his PATTERNS. It is so important to maintain no contact – if they think they have even a tiny crack of space to try to hoover their way back with promises of change, we can be prepared with our own powerful tool of INDIFFERENCE.
I too came to the realization that I had been targeted specifically, love-bombed and manipulated. Like you, I remember clearly that ONE day when his mask slipped and the puzzle pieces fell together – he had been lying about small and big things the ENTIRE time. I will not forget the look on his face that day, but I won’t let it haunt me. The memory serves as a reminder of all that I’ve learned. His smirk, his eyes were a mix of excited energy, hatred, and “duping delight” – Dr. Paul Eckman coined the phrase and it is defined as the pleasure someone gets over having someone else in his/her control and being able to manipulate them. The psychopath feels power when he lies and his addiction to power is insatiable, hence why he needs as many pawns as he can get his hands on to fight the black hole of perpetual boredom that is his parasitic lifestyle. Removing ourselves from their game is one of the best things we can do.
Yes, the voices. He had a special voice he used when talking to the children – the “good dad, good kid” voice that was sickly sweet. There was another voice “good dad, bad kid” when the kids didn’t serve him quickly and perfectly enough. Then there was the maniac voice, screaming with bulging eyes and veins whenever someone displeased him. He also had voices for interacting with the public – the “great guy” voice, the “don’t mess with me tough guy” voice and the “I’m cool bro” voice to name a few. All were used to manipulate other people into believing whatever persona he was presenting.
Resonation again!
Those phony voices…I know them well from my own son.
You know, he never ‘lost his shit’ with us until he asked my husband and I to PAY for the mediator between he and my DIL, after she threw him out.
We said, no, handle your own…and he proceeded to scream and gnash and tell his father and I that we should ‘support’ our son. Why did we not believe that he had no money to pay for a mediator? Why did we not believe that he wanted to fight for custody of the children? Why did we not believe anything that he was selling?
Perhaps, because, if his mouth is open, he is lying. His lifelong track record. The fact that he leased a NEW TRUCK when she threw him out, instead of paying for his children to live. The fact that he can buy HIMSELF pot, cigarettes, and beer….and oh yeah, a $500 all white lego set. Not for the children, but FOR HIMSELF, because he still plays with Lego, at 33 years old. The fact that he hardly had anything to do with his wife or the children, before she threw him out (that was part of the reason she did).
Then, there is also the good dad, good kid voice. When the poor kids do what he wants or act like he wants. There is the good dad, bad kid voice, when they don’t. The good dad good kid one, is perhaps the phoniest sounding one…
Hi Bev – thank you for replying that the Spathbin your life is your son. I’ve been visiting this site trying to make sense of what my son has put us through and it’s a huge relief knowing I’m not alone in this nightmare.
My son (age 25) also has a lifelong history of lying and deceit, but I am his victim. His father is also a Spath and we divorced when my son was 5. The ex has always blamed me and convinced my son I am a horrible person, even though I raised him on my own and had to beg for any help from him. My son is now married with a 2 year old son of his own. His wife has not realized yet what he is and believes all the lies about me. My son has told me he has a new mother now (his MIL) and doesn’t need or want me in his life because I was a horrible mother who was never there for him. I’ve learned hard lessons through the years that I can’t chase him or reason with him, so my only choice is no contact. However his wife views this as not wanting to be part of my grandsons life. I want their marriage to work at all costs, so I sit in silence as my grandson grows up not knowing who I am, waiting for the day she figures it out.
My heart cries for you MyStrengthIsThroughHIM,
I, too, feel very alone in what has been my life literally since our son was born. My husband is not a SP, but like me, an empath. That brought a whole other set of problems with it. Namely, my husband’s cognitive dissonance.My husband is slowly but surely realizing that having our son in our lives AT ALL…in any capacity, is damaging to us. It has taken him almost 34 years to realize this. He is still not all the way there. I am, however.
The two children that our son had with our DIL ( a lovely girl) are something that we have also had to let go of. At the moment, ugliness abounds with their split up, and, of course, our son is using them as tools to hurt our DIL. They are already confused and hurt enough, and I will not add to their burden, which they should not even have to bear, as young children (5 and 3 yrs of age). Our son is really damaging those little ones, but we cannot help, otherwise, we get drawn into the shit show all over again.
I know it’s the most difficult thing ever, but I know that we must not see the grandchildren. I do not want them to even know that I am my SP son’s mother, I am that disgusted and disappointed in who he has shown himself to be. He also threatens my DIL, in emails, that he will say in court that she abuses them! There is no doubt in my mind and I absolutely BELIEVE that he will lie to bring her down and destroy her, just like he has done to us in the past.
He only lives for him and uses everyone for whatever he can get.
He pretends that he is this great father and that he cares about the children…which is complete bull***. He only treats them well in front of others. He never gave a crap until our DIL discovered that our SP son is a fraud and kicked him out and asked for a divorce. Now, all of a sudden, that wonderful mother, is the worst person on earth, according to our SP son. Asshole. So transparent, he is.
I do not give advice, but I would not worry about your grandson knowing you. If it happens down the road, then that is wonderful. Do not worry about how your DIL views your decisions. Mine thought the same, until she realized that my son was one big LIE, and now her and I are close…but I have told her that I do not wish to confuse the children further. They do not need to know how I feel about their so called ‘father’.
When they are older, I think that they will see their father for who he is, and I still may have a relationship with them.One never knows the future.
I’ll tell you this though…after almost 34 years of HELL dealing with our son…I need to think about my husband and myself now. How we made it through all of this, I do not know.The grandchildren have a wonderful mother and they will be just fine without my involvement.
Find any joy that you can in your own life. That’s what I do.
oh ya, the “I’m just a nice guy” voice was very much used in public for image management. The “I’m cool bro” voice with his various circles of “close friends” which when I took a deeper look were more like acquaintances or minions. Imagine how busy his mind was with wearing all the different masks and scoping out how he could use people for maximum personal gain. One of the best a-ha moments for me was to watch how he treated waiters and waitresses – “someone who isn’t nice to the waiter is not a nice person”
Dynamite post!
Bingo!That ‘cool’ voice, especially upon them first meeting someone and you are there to witness it.
Minions…good one. Only because they want to be, though…or they don’t know HIM well enough yet.
Their ability to charm and be exactly what the new person or situation calls for is uncanny.
Exactly bev- in the beginning when I went no contact I flip flopped in my head – was I making a mistake deciding to never speak to him again? but thank goodness for my intuition and reminding myself of the patterns and how awful he made me feel. And thanks for this site and the validation from other people who went through similar awful experiences.
The minions choose to be minions- you are right – they usually know them on a surface level and buy into the lies.. and we shouldn’t waste a minute wondering if he spreads lies to them because it hinders our healing journey!
🙂
His smirk, his eyes were a mix of excited energy, hatred, and “duping delight” This is an excellent description of my ex psychopath’s look I’ve seen too often when he succeeded in creating drama, pushing my buttons, etc.
I have a problem with the expression, “Prince Charming”, a person who exists only in a fairy tale. Sounds like you ‘set yourself’ up, in a way, by thinking such an unrealistic person could exist in real life. We are not little girls playing with paper dolls. Sorry to offend you, but I am particularly sensitive to this illusion. It is quite out of touch with the times we live in. This is 2016!
‘Prince Charming’ is the way many spaths present to their victims. For example when I was targeted by my ex psychopath, I was almost 50 years old, a professional widowed single mom without any fairytale notions. However, the psychopath’s faked behavior and lies presented as ‘Prince Charming.’ That’s what came to my mind, and I was not even looking for a man to date, nor marriage, nor was I even looking for a friendship as I had a lifetime of many good friends.
My (late) first husband was a decent guy with good character and family values. That may be rare in this age but I hope I would not (knowingly) settle for less in a relationship. It would be great if little girls playing with dolls were taught to expect a relationship with a man of good character, not to settle for a relationship with a man of poor character, and taught that there are ‘bad’ people who lie and exploit.
I would say my biggest vulnerability was lack of real awareness of the existence and prevalence of psychopathy, and what the red flags are. Because my first husband was a very good man and I had no idea spaths existed, I fully expected the psychopath to be telling the truth and to be the wonderful guy he presented.
Since the poster writes “…Prince Charming, even with the baggage that came attached…” it sounds like it is semantics, rather than a fairy tale illusion for her.
It sounds like it is a trigger for you. Will you share your experiences that underlie your sensitivity?
Barb:
I completely agree with you. Therapists and counselors in the “sex addiction” field use this story to essentially blame partners of sex addicts. They actually call partners of sex addict “co-addicts,” and claims that women who marry sex addicts were responsible because they were naive and focused on desires of seeking “Prince Charming.” As such, they are “co-addicts,” part of the dynamic…
I learned that my husband of 18 years had been having literally hundreds of sexual affairs since we were married; I had no clue, I was extremely traumatized, and then I was further traumatized by therapists who tried to convince me that I was responsible, perhaps by “looking the other way,” or by seeking “Prince Charming.”
These models are deeply rooted in victim-blaming, no different than when victims of rape were blamed for wearing short skirts.
Even professional psychologists who claim they understand psychopaths, sociopaths, or NPD’s often resort to this old victim-blaming model.
I strongly recommend that everyone read “Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity: by Marie-France Hirigoyen.
We all find it difficult to truly believe that some people intentionally inflict damage on others, and that the victims are not people who have some personal flaw that made them vulnerable to a predator.
As psychologists tried to convince me about this “Prince Charming” story, they were believing the new lies my psychopathic sex addicted husband was telling them, about how he felt deep remorse about his betrayals (while he was involved with another 37 women!), about how he certainly intended to replace the money he had hidden (nope!)… nearly a dozen therapists believed him, his attorneys believed him, the men in his 12 Step groups believed him, and the judge believed him.
Yet, no one told any one of them that they had a Prince Charming complex!
Just be so thankful, he didn’t want burdened by your children! Mine are being held as my punishment for leaving alive! Divorce will now ruin his image and wasn’t how he wanted it to end. He is using the same symptoms you had, to use against me saying I’m not fit for custody, as I had them also after ten years of marriage to him! He’s even using my inheritance to have an attorney bully other attorneys from helping me. They say if a sociopath ends your relationship count your blessings, because if you end it, they will consider you unfinished business, and will do EVERYTHING they can to make your life pure hell! I think the person who quoted that, knew EXACTLY the truth about them!