Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader whom we’ll call “Janeen.”
I was in an on again off again abusive (physically and mentally) relationship for the past year with a narcopath. He had numerous online accounts and profiles on dating sites where he would find women that he could lie to about who he was, what he did, how many kids he had ”¦ everything.
The only truth he told was his name.
I found this out the hard way; I was one of those women. We had met online and within a month I was living with him in a different city, an hour and a half away from my friends and family.
He would start arguments with outlandish accusations every time I went back home to visit my son or family. I was always accused of cheating on him, when in fact, it was him that was cheating.
We had gotten into several physical fights throughout the course of our relationship, which always led to me moving back home.
He would stalk me online and constantly blow my phone up with a cycle of messages. It started off with how much he hated me and I’m a piece of sh*t and turn into how much he loves me and wanted to work things out, promising to change, right back to me being a piece of sh*t ”¦ all of this and everything in between in a time span of anywhere from 15 – 45 minutes.
I’d always go back ”¦ at first it was because I believed him, eventually it was because he would make my life so unbearable that being mistreated by him was actually easier.
About 5 months ago I ended up getting pregnant, with not one but two babies. Come to find out that he gotten his 2 girlfriends before me pregnant as well. One gave hers up for adoption, the other moved out of state and had a protection order placed against him.
About a month ago I ended up back at his house trying desperately to save a relationship I knew wasn’t worth saving for the sake of the two babies ”¦ bad idea.
I got a call from my mom back home who needed me to take her to an early appointment the next day, so I left the house with just an overnight bag, and stayed with mom.
The next day he started yet another fight with me and accused me of cheating ”¦ so I left mom’s and went back to him, only this time I didn’t call or text him to let him know I was on my way.
When I pulled into the driveway there was another car parked behind the gate that was locked, and the house was locked up. He had another woman locked inside with him having sex.
He lied and said he was at the casino, told me that he would bring my belongings to me if I left then, tried to get his friends and his landlord to remove me from his property, which did not work.
After an hour of me sitting in his front yard, knocking on his bedroom window and telling the other woman all about who he is and what he’s really about, he finally came out”¦ with his fists flying. He beat me up in the front yard, while I’m 4 1/2 months pregnant with his twins.
After that he threw my clothes, which were already conveniently bagged up and ready to go, into the yard. I left there with a swollen eye, a boot mark on my jaw and a broken heart.
Since then he has not tried to contact me at all, which is really unusual, except to tell me that if I go after him for child support, him and his new woman will take my babies from me.
I laughed because he has an extensive history of DV, arson and other felony charges, he is currently a methamphetamine dealer with no job, and he has nothing to do with his other 4 kids.
I’ve had to block him on all social media, since I found out he has numerous fake profiles that he uses to stalk me with.
I’m currently 22 weeks pregnant and still living in my hometown with friends and trying to recover from his abuse and put the pieces of my life back together.
Letter to Lovefraud: I took him back only to be discarded again
This sounds like a great TV show! You know what you have to do!!!
Janeen, I’m so sorry that you were tangled up with this evil cunning man. Sending huge hugs to you!! Im glad that you found your way to Lovefraud and now know who he is. I know things feel so overwhelming for you right now but with time & space from him you will get your life back.
It’s time to break free from him forever. This is the only way you will have peace in your life. What you were living in while he was in your life was a endless nightmare! It will never change if you stay with him. He is a serial abuser & cheater. What you see is what you get. And the fact that he is selling drugs is a HUGE RED FLAG that you need to get out of this relationship for good because so many good woman end up in jail for the wrong doings of their sociopaths mates.
You see & know he is bad news!
You know that you are being abused physically, mentally and emotionally by this evil sociopaths.
You know that your world has been turned upside down by this evil guy!
You know that you need to escape is grips for good!
Now is the time!
How do you leave a sociopaths for good?
1) You have to self impose the NO CONTACT RULE (google this with the words narcissist then with the word sociopath).
BLOCK him from your social media, your phone, your text!
Do this now before the babies are due.
2) Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline in the USA 800-799-SAFE (or google your counties number)
Ask the free counselor for your local abuse center phone number
3) Set up a free counseling session with your local abuse center and also ask them about their free women group meeting. This is a life saver!! Dont be embarrassed or ashamed just go!!
4) Talk with his ex girlfriends asap! Get a copy of their restraining orders from the court house. WHY? so you can see that he has never changed his ways. The abuse you have been enduring is the same abuse he did to them. Then never change the con game.
5) Tell your most trusted friends & family what is going on and ask them to come to Lovefraud and read everything so they too are educated on who you are dealing with. Support from family & friends is part of the healing process.
6) READ everything you can get your hands on about sociopaths & narcissist. Donna here at Lovefraud has developed a online education program for viticms. Look up at the top for more information.
Why is it important to educate yourself?
Because a sociopath literally brain washes & mind controls their victims and forms an addiction in their victims to keep returning to them much like a drug or alcohol addiction so you must break free from the brain washing & Mind control your ex has done to you.
The more you read & analysis how it relates to your relationship the more you will free your mind from his brain washing control.
Your ex is a cult leader and you are his cult follower.
You are going to get thru this painful part of your life. KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE ANYMORE…we hear you & are hear for you…keep reaching out for help with your National Domestic Violence hotline and your local abuse center for free counseling it really is a huge step in the healing process.
Google & do a search on the top of Lovefraud for the following:
Gas lighting abuse
Narcissist No contact rule
Sociopath no contact rule
Read Donna’s books and also my counselor gave me the book Woman who love psychopath by Sandra Brown.
Look at the site One moms battle & their Facebook page (open a fake email & then a fake Facebook to chat freely so your ex does not see), also Facebook page Psychopath free & After narcissistic abuse. Both are good support sites.
Just to let you know my ex h did the same with regards to yelling at me that I was cheating (which I never did) all along he was the once serial cheating. When I finally left him he was cheating with 3 women in two different states (maybe 5 not sure about 2 of them). This after I caught him in a two year affair with a coworker and he begged me sobbing and everything to not leave him. The day I packed the car and drove away I felt a huge release from my body literally. Never looked back. 12 years married was a waste…dont waste anymore time with this loser sociopath. When I told my counselor that I thought my h (now ex) had cheated on me 8-12 times she told me it was more like 3 to 4 times that amount as that is what sociopaths do they continuously cheat.
You & your babies deserve more the this drug selling abusive sociopath. PLEASE KNOW THAT and dont settle your life. I can promise you with time you will be so happy that you kicked this evil man to the curb and never looked back.
Keep posting here on Lovefraud, ask questions vent what ever you need…we all have done the same.
Hugs to you!
Take care.
Here is a good article about the NO Contact Rule from another site:
Why Initiate a”No Contact” Rule When Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship
breaking free of chains No contact is initiated as a way of breaking the psychic emotional bonds between you and a narcissistic partner, friend or family member. If you have been involved with a narcissistic person for any length of time you will undoubtedly have a strong attachment to that person. This attachment needs to be weakened which will happen much more quickly once you engage the rules of “no contact.”
I am referring to the rules of “no contact” as RULES but these are only enforced by you. These are your rules! If you break these rules you are the one who pays the consequences. And”there are most definitely consequences that come in the form of emotional pain and re-attachment.
No contact gives you the space and time to get your energy back into your life. It can be challenging at first as you may have to resist the urge to answer the phone, return an Email or make that call. You must get into the habit of policing yourself for your own good.
Imagine that you have two different aspects of yourself; a parent self and a child self. The parent self will have to police the child self to be sure she doesn’t do anything that will hurt her. You know intellectually that breaking the rules of “no contact” will hurt that child, so you stop her from doing so, even though she is throwing a tantrum.
Making a decision to cut off contact with a narcissistic personality when leaving the relationship is an important part of your recovery process. The decision to initiate “NO Contact” is a decision for your health and sanity.
When you remain in contact you continue to engage in the relationship on some level and are still affected by its craziness and dysfunction. You will normally continue to be affected by the hot and cold behavior of the narcissist, be pulled in and pushed away, confused and hurt. You will continue to be drained energetically which results in depression and lethargy.
The best remedy for getting yourself back is to stop giving your energy to the relationship in any way. You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water. Don’t allow the narcissist access to you and your energy!
Of course there are cases where ’no contact” is not possible due to the involvement of children or when the narcissistic personality is a direct family member. However even in these cases contact can be greatly limited and sometimes all contact can be through a third party mediator. See my article “When No Contact Can’t Work” for more info.
Here are the rules of No Contact:
1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship get your business taken care of immediately, if possible. If you are married and going through a divorce you will need to initiate the divorce right away or make the decision to put it on hold for six months to a year while you take care of yourself and your family. During that time you can initiate “no contact” and then initiate the divorce paperwork, through an attorney when you are stronger. Let the narcissist in your life know that you are ending the relationship and won’t be in communication with him for a while. Ask him to please refrain from calling, text messaging, emailing, instant chat or stopping by your home or workplace.
2) Taking care of business involves getting your possessions, giving him his possessions. Getting separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason to contact him or for him to contact you. If necessary use a third party mediator.
3) Clean out your home and get rid of any memorabilia having to do with your ex-narcissistic partner. If you are having issues throwing something away or burning it, put it in a big box, tape it up and store it somewhere where you won’t see it. If you are comfortable burning sage or incense this can help clear the energy of your home. Also burning candles is a good way to shift the energy.
4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If he stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see him in public, put your sunglasses on, avoid eye contact and move past him as quickly as possible.
5) Make or accept no phone calls. If he calls, don’t answer the phone. If he calls from an unidentified number and you hear his voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word. He’ll get the message. If he leaves a voice mail message try and erase it without listening if you can. If he is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. This is your sanity we are talking about. It is priceless.
6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block his emails and even consider having your own email address changed so he won’t have your information. This prevents him emailing you from an unknown address.
7) If you are on any mutual community Websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access his Web pages, profiles, social media, or anything that will give you current info on him. What he is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of his.
8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with him at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him. If you find mutual friends do not support your request you will want to avoid contact with them for a time. Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way. This is a time to surround yourself with people who support you and let go of people who don’t.
9) If you work with him, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced to do business with him, keep all communication strictly business and don’t allow him to engage you in any other way. Remember: He no longer has access to you or your energy.
10) If you have children with him you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. Narcissistic people will often use the children as a way to get to you. You may consider asking a family member or good friend to act as the mediator for young children. If your kids are old enough to handle their own business, let them work out the details of any visits directly with the other parent and communicate with you to be sure you approve. Be careful not to use your children to punish the narcissistic parent. The kids will be the ones being affected. In some cases when the narcissistic parent realizes he has no control over you and using the kids doesn’t work, he may bow out altogether and you may rarely hear from him. So it is important that you don’t allow him access to you, even if you have kids. Keep it strictly business.
How Long Must No Contact Last?
No contact should remain in affect until you feel the bond has been completely severed. This can take several years so be prepared to continue “no contact” for a long time. Most will find once that bond is severed there is no need or desire to see that person, but the rules can soften a bit at this point so if you run into him on the street you may say “hello” and be kind, but not engage in any “real” conversation. If you have kids together you may be able to communicate directly at some point in the future, although there is absolutely no guarantee this will work well.
Once you have moved on, down the road, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe he/she has changed. The likelihood of any real change is very small. Always assume he or she is the same person as always. Even if change was possible, your trust in the narcissist has already been severely damaged and you would never likely be fully trusting again. This is no way to have a relationship. You deserve to have someone you can trust completely in your life.
If you need help sticking to No Contact, consider getting counseling or joining a support forum.
Excellent advice!
Glad to see you are still here helping others.
Your support was a lifesaver for me.
Hugs to you!
SITC
The best thing you can do for yourself and your children is to have no contact with him. Consider, for your safety not letting him know anything about you – where you live, what you’re doing. Consider taking down and completely deleting everything you have on social media, and not posting on anything anywhere. Consider getting a good attorney to make sure you and your children are protected from him. Since he’s threatened to take your children from you, he could be dangerous to you all, if it fits in with whatever game he’s playing with whomever at any given time.
You have a lot to grieve, and a lot of joy ahead of you. You will feel better the quickest and have the best life possible, if you don’t have any contact with him.
My ex-husband left me 21 years ago. Such an evil man, dx’ed spath. We have a child and soon you’ll have 2.
From reading your story I think that he’s invested in making life hard for you.
So I hope that you can retain a lawyer. I highly recommend this to you.
Document everything. I can’t stress that enough. When you go to court for support and visitation without documents it will be held said, she said.
Stay strong, you’re fighting for 3.
Good luck.
What a nightmare.
I am so sorry he abused you- physically and emotionally.
Now that you know the facts it’s time to get away and stay away forever.
This type of predator only wants to spread his seed and go to the next source of supply.
He has showed you what he is, believe it.
You are in the right place for support and I am glad you found your way here.
The fact that his previous sources left town with orders of protection is a trail of truths you have to look at and remember if you feel you need to contact him.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
P.S.
There is no way he can take your children from you-
There is no judge in the country that is going to take your children and give them to anyone, especially him.
Just wipe that from your mind.
These types use that all the time”I’m going to take your kids”
It’s a scare tactic – don’t you believe it.
Now that you are pregnant please try to stay stress free for the sake of your babies.
SITC
You might also consider not putting his name on the birth certificate when the babies are born. For him to obtain parental rights he will have to take you to court and get an order for DNA testing. Then he would be liable for child support. He probably won’t want to go through the trouble.
One more thing I wanted to add is regarding the order of protection.
I learned about this the hard way.
Ok, the ex girlfriend has one.
You get one too.
It will be granted based on the story you share here.
If he violates the order of protection, file a police report every time; even if it’s a text or a call.
Once he racks up a bunch of domestic violence police reports from you and possibly the ex girlfriend it becomes a felony and his ass WILL be arrested and thrown in prison.
The domestic violence laws have become more severe and it’s about time.
Then you wash your hands of the disordered one.
SITC
I realize info overload but be sure to document this with your OB/GYN.
The predator will most likely try and try to lure you back so change your phone number.
SITC