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Letter to Lovefraud: I took him back only to be discarded again

Image courtesy of nenetus at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of nenetus at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Caitlyn.” Read her original story: “I should feel lucky to be free of the sociopath, but it’s tearing me up!”

You posted my first story and I now have another one. Just couldn’t get him off my mind and I took him back only to be discarded again despite my healing.

I am very embarrassed and disappointed in myself today, but it may help someone think twice. My story is as follows:

Well I did it again. Allowed him back in despite my progress towards healing.

This makes the third time. It lasted 2 months and I was discarded again yesterday. Somehow I think my body knew this would happen as I’ve had panic attacks over the last week as if I was preparing for this.

At first he said he loved and was in love with me and missed me and would do better this time and make it up to me. So I said if that were the case, you would not have gotten married, so his response was that he wasn’t happy and he said that he felt like he bought a coat that wasn’t the right fit and it was too late to return it ”¦ he referred to his new wife as a garment!!!

And he said he wanted some time to work on his situation with her as if to make me think he’d leave her. So because I truly loved him and cannot seem to make it sink in that he’s a sociopath, I allowed him back despite all of my progress towards healing with my therapist, books, and reading on Lovefraud. I got those same empty promises from him as before.

This time he was going to buy me a car, take me out of town, buy me this, buy me that ”¦ well I got nothing. So I told him how I felt yesterday. to sum it up I said you haven’t changed like you said and I made it clear that if he was so unhappy with his wife he would not have married her.

He was the cause of this pain by not being honest from day one, as he never told me he was engaged when we met. I found this out on my own after I had fallen for him!!! But again he still married her, so if I mattered so much then why didn’t he choose me and call off the engagement?

After this last time of me telling him how I felt, he said he was coming to talk to me, but now he’s ignoring me. I’ve called and texted and nothing. It seems that every time I confront him with truths I get dropped.

My last text to him I called him a coward. If he doesn’t want me then why not block me or just say it? Is he getting off on me blowing up his phone?!

This married jerk also has a dating profile And he’s removed his photos from his online dating profile.  I find this funny because the first 2 times I confronted him with my feelings and he discarded me, he did the same thing because he thinks I will tell his wife, because I did the first time. I wonder why he just removed the pics and not delete the profile if he’s so in love with his wife?

I think there are other women as well, because the last few weeks before this discard I noticed not as much love bombing and a distant feeling. I would call and 2 minutes in he would say my brother is calling, I’ll call you back, or my daughter is calling, or my business partner, but he’d never call back.

Other times I’d call he never answered, and when I asked about it, he’d say he never got a call and his phone doesn’t show a missed call. All bull because I always left a vm and why was this happening all of a sudden? He always got my calls before, so I sum this up to be another woman/my replacement in addition to his wife, or he’s grew tired of me just that quick.

I feel like the discards are my fault and this is my fault for letting him back in. But I really loved him and wanted to believe he was “normal”.

But he has made me sick healthwise with panic attacks and dreams that someone is trying to kill me, which I think is due to me feeling like he’s trying to destroy me in reality. I never ever had these before!!!!!

I just hope he stays away this time.

Response from Donna Andersen

Caitlyn,

I am sorry that you took him back and it turned out badly. But you are certainly not the only one who has experienced this. They are so convincing especially when we want to believe what they are saying.

He will never change. The key to your recovery is for you to decide that it is over. He will keep returning as long as you allow it. This is part of the game for him. So you must end it, and never answer any call or text from him again. No Contact permanently is the answer.

 



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17 Comments on "Letter to Lovefraud: I took him back only to be discarded again"

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Caitlyn,

Donna has boiled it down to the most essential thing here…you. He is what he is. Period. So only you can stop this now. He will never stop it. He loves this kind of painful circus. He loves that you are fooled by him. He loves that you get confused, hurt, disappointed, and angry. He loves other people’s reactions to him. This is his control over the world, one person at a time.

He has absolutely no regrets, remorse, or shame. And so he is free to cause as much pain as he feels he can get away with.

There is nothing in this person to love, dear Caitlyn. Nothing. You love what is inside you, that you have believed about him. But you don’t love him.

This is just the perfect time for you to love yourself, for you to believe good things about yourself and follow through with them, proving to yourself that you are worthy of a good and fulfilling life. Give this gift to yourself.

Hugs….slim

Amen slim!

Caitlyn and my fellow Brothers and Sisters in pain,
To shorten a very long story that would mirror your own stories, I’ll summarize by saying that I separated from my wife of 18 years/23+ total in December of ’15. She made it clear that I wasn’t a real part of her family over some thing that started as trivial but was made so much more. The final projection of her anger at her siblings and life-long anger at her mother, the narcissistic mothership. Sound familiar? Held out hope over the months following that she would have an epiphany. Maybe deep down, I kept hoping for the devotion and value she had sucked out of me for about 15 years. I know, I know… We have young teen children together so NC isnt really doable. I wish it were. But I was reluctant to “cut the cord”. It would be so easy to just put my head down and go back to what I was used to. Call it comfort of the known. After continueing to ride the rollercoaster of sweet and loving and “I love you sooooo much, I know now I’ve been doing everything wrong”, to the “screw it, let’s call it” and pushing my buttons in a rush. BTW, there is a marriage pundit out there called **** Fertel that advocates just starting over showing love and affection and forget the past. Talk about hitting the reset button… But my need to “belong” made me agree to try it. Heart really wasn’t in it though. Fast forward two weeks or so-went to a the cabin that I built her to cook out and watch meteor showers. I cooked, played nice but had that “tail between the legs, whipped dog” feeling the whole time. She was expecting me to sleep with her down there after step-daughters family and our kids left. Couldn’t do it. A week later, yesterday I fact, we met and I finally cut the cord. Of course in a way that didn’t set off the demon rage, but was clear too. Anyway, thanks to this website (God Bless You, Donna and Others here), I was able to say that we both knew it wouldn’t work. That we were not good together and that I wouldn’t be able to not wonder if or when the person I’ve known for so long would show back up. I’m writing here today, not for your sympathy or support, as much as those things will be so warmly welcomed, but to hopefully give you a logical reason for why it isn’t going to work. It is so far working for me. And I’ll admit that I am not in a very good place today. All the self-doubts, fears, etc. are kicking me pretty hard right now. Are you still reading? Here it is… It will never work, even if your narc does change forever… YOU WILL NEVER TRUST THAT THE MONSTER WONT COME BACK. YOU WILL ALWAYS BE HYPER-VIGILANT LOOKING FOR SIGNS. YOU WILL BE FOREVER FILLED WITH ANXIETY AND CONTINUE TO WALK ON EGGSHELLS JUST LINE YOUVE DONE WITH THIS PERSON SINCE DAY ONE! AND YOU WILL CONTINUE TO BE NOTHING MORE THAN A TOOL IN THEIR BELT. Just like always. Because you know, don’t you? Why believe their spiel about how they’ve become enlightened? If all your pain and pleading over months or years didn’t make a difference, why now? I’ll tell you why! They don’t love you! They simply LOVE THE WAY THE WAY YOU MADE THEM FEEL WHEN YOU WERE TOGETHER. Your suffering and misery is their drug of choice just as the occasional high of their attention and affection has become ours. For me, this conclusion allowed me to think about the future instead of just the hurts of the past. Yes, they run through my head constantly. Folks, I’m a 51 YO man with few friends or support. And probably like many of you, I’ve struggled with self-esteem issues due to a narcissist mother who used me as a weapon in her divorce from my dad. Im not afraid to admit that I’m scared. Afraid that I’m not worthy of anything better. Afraid that this great emptiness I feel will never be better. Afraid of being alone. But I took the first of many small steps yesterday. And I won’t lie to you… It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Turning my back on the very thing I gave up my self-respect and soul to keep alive. If I can do it, so can you. Get up! Get out of those walls, both physical and emotional! There is a whole big world out there. Want to meet nice people? Volunteer your time to a worthy cause. Read to the elderly at a nursing home. Serve lunch at a homeless shelter. It does not matter what, just do something different today! I love each and every one of you. It’s okay to put yourself first for once. You and I are not the problem! Go as NO CONTACT as your situation will allow. All business. And if you feel physically threatened, get help immediately. Let everyone know. God bless.
-Jack

Jack,

I am sorry for what you endured, but glad that you have seen the truth of the situation. Your observation is fabulous – “You will never trust that the monster won’t come back.” You are absolutely correct!

Now that you have admitted the truth to yourself – and done something about it – you can move forward. Because the truth is that you are worthy of better. Allow yourself time and patience to heal, and your life will be better than ever!

please, NO..dont EVER go back; when I finally left my husband..I knew (somehow inside..intuition?)..that if I did respond to his pleas, his tears..cards professing his love..even pleas and tears from our older sons on his behalf..that if I did give him another chance, I would have peace?, love? for awhile..and when his dark side would return, I’d be a dead woman..or too emotionally crippled to leave again. Once was more than enough.

Jack
What an excellent post. You are so right… that once they show you what they are, there is no going back. There is only getting away and pursuing healing. I know that I fell into the trap of thinking if I could only find the “key”, then I could unlock the happiness and love that I was seeking. Afterall, he dangled that carrot, that if I were “enough”, he would love me. Once I figured out it was a giant scam, that HE was INCAPABLE of love, incapable of tenderness, incapable of all the feelings and behaviors that encompass love, and that he would NEVER be capable of love, I knew I was killing myself… for nothing, sacrificing myself for NOTHING, wasting all I had to give on NOTHING.

Most poignant is your statement that once that genie is out of the bottle, it can SEEM to go away but we know it’s still there, and we know it will return, we can’t predict when or how, but we know with a certainty it will return… and b/c we know that, all else is image and pretend and no substance. And… for us, living in pretend is such an empty yawning chasm of hell.

I say “we” but I mean “I”, once I learned this down to my soul, I was free. I no longer felt guilty, no longer wondered if I had some kind of buried selfishness that kept me from fully giving. But… it is a “we” b/c I know this applies to every victim of a sociopath, that we get roped in and guilt or self doubt plays it’s tricks on us and the only way to get free is to start telling ourselves the TRUTH, TRUTH sets us painfully free. But… this time, the pain can be resolved and peace and contentment follow.

Thank You Jack. Wise words and a salve to me today.

Thanks for your advice everyone. I started back over with no contact and plan to stick to it this time!!!!!

You can do it and don’t feel bad.
It takes an average of 7 cycles to finally go no contact for good…..
In my case it’s been a year now.
Have I had slip ups?
Hell yeah but it gets easier each time.
That trauma bond is incredibly strong and they know exactly what to say and do to get back in your head; thats why no contact in it’s truest form is so important.
There is a book, an e book called “how to go no contact like a boss”
It’s only a few dollars and so worth it.
XOXO,
SITC

Caitlyn glad you left him ,,,took 3 times to close the door.
puzzles me that you met & kept with him during his engagement & marriage to another woman?
hmm? and you state you told the other woman too? and you knew he was all over the dating sites bc you knew his profile? ….seems like it was all fairly out in the open as far as what the game was…the who, what & where…are fairly clear…he did not love or respect his new wife or women in general….but game was pretty clear since day one….then its a choice to play or not ,,,,others are not so lucky….they just get broad sided with the knife in their back when they never expected it, shock betrayal etc. maybe what his wife felt like when she heard about you ???…I saw a story on 20/20 of the “loving” husband who while taking a picture of his dear wife on their vacation pushed her off a cliff and into the rocky river current ,,,he is still free today, in fact remarried….SO WHEN they lay the game out on the table & explain the rules…and you see all the players in front of you…. one does have choices….as to participate or not ,,,be thankful that you had that choice bc many people do not….they go in with no idea of the game or the cruelty and harm till the damage is done and then its too late!! They have then lost their money, health, kids, work, and their marriage…..if the game is clear, then keeping ones boundaries clear is over all very helpful.

“Is he getting off on me blowing up his phone?!” – If he’s anything like my ex Psychopath, yes, he is. My ex is a sadist, and he very much gets off on the feelings of power and control at causing someone’s pain and suffering.

Consider that the person you loved is who and what he deceived you into thinking he is, not who he really is. You loved someone who deceived you into thinking that he cared about your best interest and your well being and that he loved you too. Nevertheless, you have experienced a loss that you grieve.

It is a normal response to abuser’s remorse to give them another chance. It took me many times before I finally understood completely and wholly that my ex is a psychopath who does not love me nor care about my well being.

You will feel better and you will have a good and happy life.

These types are so predicable in their behavior.
They need lots of attention and always cheat.
Most of them have 5-6 sources of supply in various forms of “relationship” status.
They will never, ever change and actually enjoy being who they are and doing their con jobs.
It’s fun to them so why change.
They get off on the reaction you provide.
You asked is he getting off on you blowing up his phone?
YES, he is.
They love this.
They love to triangulate because then there are 2 women reacting to him at once.
That’s double supply for them.
Please run away and don’t look back.
Look within yourself as to why you would accept this behavior then you will be free.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity

Also wanted to add that when he does not answer your calls or texts like before he is:
a. Giving you the silent treatment as punishment.
b. In the process of getting new sources of supply
This is a lot of work and theses types are lazy by nature
c. He has another cell phone and has the one he used to contact you
off right now while he is grooming a new source of supply.

How do I know this?
It all happened to me.
SITC

SITC is absolutely right on. If they are not answering it is because they have another source of ‘fuel’, or they are getting plenty of fuel from knowing they are hurting and confusing you by not answering. Likely it is both happening, since they are forever getting ’emotional’ supply from someone. If you think of them as machines that are always gathering fuel, never resting, never taking a break, never changing; then you know that no matter what YOU do they will be methodically doing the only thing they know how to do: feel powerful by pulling everyone’s strings.

And they think of us in a similar way. As ‘things’, machines if you will, that they use to pump themselves up with. Every little or big interaction is an opportunity to get some ‘fuel’. Doesn’t matter positive or negative (though I have recently read that negative ‘fuel’ is preferred, as it has a bigger ‘charge’ for them to make other people feel and behave poorly).

It is such an absolutely predictable, unchanging, pernicious pattern that we really have NOTHING to do with it happening. NOTHING. We can act sweet, do everything, break our backs being what we think they want. Or we can act crazy, lose our minds, become angry and argue. Either way, we are simply giving them a different form of energy, that they feed off. And, if we try to remain in ‘sweet mode’, accommodating their every whim, they will pick fights with us when they need a higher octane of fuel.

This isn’t personal. Not in a deeper sense. This is, by definition, so impersonal that it is baffling. It is simply unbelievable that someone is wired to simply TAKE (period…even in giving they are gaining supply. So in essence still taking) until you see it up close, and cannot turn away.

The only option is to get away and stay away. If you have that option…you are blessed, truly.

Thanks for the replies. As i read them i think about some of the other things he said to me that didn’t dawn on me at the moment but There was a time that i called him and he didn’t answer which seemed to be becoming the norm. I got pissed so i powered my phone off in case he called so I wouldn’t have to answer. When i turned it back on hours later he had sent me texts saying he had been calling. I didn’t respond but then he called again and when i answered he accused me of blocking him. I told him I didn’t block him because if i did I wouldn’t have gotten his texts. I never admitted that i turned the phone off because i was pissed because i feel like if i tell him my true feelings he will manipulate it somehow. He kept ranting about it which made me upset. But then he seemed calm and when we got off the phone he told me he loved me. Next day when i spoke to him it came up again and this time i think he was trying to throw subtle hints that i was with someone else when he couldn’t reach me. I didn’t catch on to this while on the phone but it has dawned on me that this is what he was doing. During this call He asked what i was doing and i told him i was putting alcohol on a bite that i had because it was itching. He said be careful with that alcohol i know a guy who lit this woman on fire with alcohol because she was messing around with my brother and he only got an 8 year sentence.

I do think the story is true because i think it was on the news and it did happen in his town so he really may know of the guy who did this. Why would he say this to me? Is this a way to accuse me of something I didn’t do and warn me??

I am new to this site. Started today and this is my second post. My “problem” began when I was 19 and he was 18, wonderful person then. His mother sent him away to school and I saw the changes that occurred. After 11 years of trying, I called it quits (1992). He contacted me a few years ago after his wife left him. He said he was sorry and that he had matured. I am married but could never forget the boy. I have come to find out that he has changed, but for the worse. LOL

Also been through the phone not answered and excuses.

Stronginthecity said it could take 7 tries. I told him I would no longer call him because of the effort (see my other post earlier today on this site, different topic). This is my first attempt.

Russell1 – welcome to Lovefraud! The way to heal and recover from a sociopath is through No Contact! Please use this site as a resource – we have plenty of materials to help you.

When you feel the urge to contact him – log on to Lovefraud and read the stories. It will help you remind yourself of why you want No Contact with him.

I did that too, recently. I was teleworking at home after coming back from our vacation and he called through on Viber. He had not yet left to go home. I told him the kids were still home from school and that I was trying to get work done and that I would contact him on Saturday. Of course on Saturday he was out. No contact made. I left a message with his sister telling her I would contact him when he gets home.

Later in the week, I texted his sister that I had mailed the bread tin that I carried back to her daughter in Colorado. Immediately, he tried to call through twice. I had the sound off, so I didn’t know. Of course, I did not try to reach him and would speak to him when I could without everyone hearing my hostility.

I called on Saturday and it was almost impossible to get phone time. First he was on the phone to his “sister,” most likely his drinking/gambling buddy. Then called again and he said he needed 15-20 minutes more. No way this was his sister! When I read him the riot act and called him on not being around as he had in the past, etc. he cut the phone conversation short. He really didn’t like when I said that he has no problem expressing himself when drunk and that in the wedding clips he should not send the one of him groping his niece the night before when he was drunk and the 4 of us were out getting fresh air. He had a fit.

Since the conversation was cut short and I had no way (as usual) to get his attention when I wanted it, I told him that I will not be calling and that if he wants he can leave a message for me on viber if he wants to let me know that he is still alive, since I do care.

The more they move away, the more strains on the health dealing with the emotions and the withdraw. I noticed when I told him last year that I only had time on the weekends, it became MUCH easier. Not looking for messages cut down the stress. The more you pull away, the easier it becomes. Life with someone like this would be like living a nightmare.

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