Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
I have a question for you. I’ve been divorced for 3 years now from my ex-husband who had a porn addiction. I’ve tried the Internet dating sites on and off since, and have had nothing but bad experiences. What do you suggest I do/ how do I go about finding someone? I am really lonely and would like to have a man in my life. However, I’m so afraid of attracting the wrong kind still. If you have any suggestions, I’d be happy to hear them.
If you’ve had a run-in with a sociopath, before attempting to date again, you must first heal yourself. If you’re feeling lonely and afraid, it is an indication that you are not yet healed.
I believe that circumstances and situations come into our lives as a result of our internal states. The energy and emotions that we have within us are like giant magnets, bringing us more of the same. Perhaps you’ve heard this concept described as “The Law of Attraction.” I think it’s a real phenomenon, because I’ve seen it operate in my own life, whether I liked the results or not.
Negative emotion
When sociopaths come into our lives, they bring emotional betrayal, physical assault, financial ruin, psychological manipulation, family devastation—far more trauma than any of us ever bargained for. As a result, we are crushed, afraid, angry, frightened. Often our lives are on the verge of collapse.
We are overwhelmed by negative emotion and energy, which is totally understandable. So what happens? We get more of the same.
It happened in my life, and I’ve seen it in countless Lovefraud stories. The sociopath cheats on us, and we’re in a car crash. The sociopath takes all our money, and then we lose our jobs. The sociopath ruins our marriage, and then we get cancer or some other major illness.
So what are we to do?
Feel the pain
I believe that we must get the negative emotion and energy out of our systems. And the way to do this is to allow ourselves to feel the pain.
Usually, this means crying. Of course, we’ve all probably spent hours and hours crying, and we’re tired of it. We just want to stop. But the pain caused by the sociopath goes very deep, especially if we’ve had the predator in our lives for many years—years that we stuffed our emotions, afraid to let ourselves feel what we were really feeling. It may take a long time to release the pent-up tears.
Then there’s the anger. Anger is a physical sensation—just because we know why we’re angry doesn’t make it go away. Anger needs to be released appropriately. (It does no good to confront the sociopath, and may make matters worse.) My method of choice for releasing anger is visualizing the sociopath’s face on a pillow, and then pounding the crap out of it. The idea is to do something physical—stomping the floor, twisting towels—until we feel an emotional release.
But what often happens as we work on releasing the pain caused by the sociopath is that we find more pain beneath it. This may be disappointment in previous love relationships, anger at mistreatment during our childhoods, betrayal bonds with other people who abused us.
These are the negative emotions that attracted the sociopath in the first place.
In my case, I was lonely, even desperate, when the sociopath showed up on my doorstep. During all of my 20s and 30s, I couldn’t get a relationship with a man to work. I now know that it was due to my internal state, as described above. But when I turned 40, feeling that biological clock ticking, wanting to make a connection—well, I was primed to be plucked. Attracted by my negative internal energy, the sociopath swooped in.
With the devastation wrought by the sociopath, my pain moved to the focus of my awareness. I processed it. It was all I could do.
This is not pretty, so it is best done alone (unless you’ve got a really good therapist who can be with you through it). And it will take repeated sessions. You’ll release some, and more will bubble to the surface. Just keep releasing, until you drain the well of pain.
Healthy and peaceful
Then an amazing thing happens—when you purge the negative energy, it is replaced by peace, hope and self-love.
I am here to tell you that it works. Changing my internal state, moving from desperate to peaceful, made all the difference in the world. Not long after I began feeling better, I met the man who became my husband—in a bar.
Some people say you can’t meet anyone worthwhile in a bar, but location is not the issue. The issue is your internal state. If you’re feeling positive, healthy and peaceful, an appropriate person will just show up.
My husband and I have been together for almost 16 years. We are happy. Our relationship is comfortable and easy. There are no games, only love. And our love is not a lie—it’s the real thing.
Lovefraud first published this article on Sept. 14, 2009.
Chaos, destruction and murder – the philosophy of a sociopath
Please help me deal with my ex husband who is a narcissist. We unfortunately have 50/50 custody and he is making my life a living hell. Our daughter is not even 2 years old yet. I have zero family in the state we live in and he has a support system to help him. Help! Any advice please.
cassandrajk23, I’m sorry you are going thru hell right now.
Check out the site One moms battle. com…you are not alone. one moms battle deals with child custody & divorce court issues.
Also see their Facebook page. If you are going to chat on their Facebook page I suggest that you open a fake email account then a fake Facebook page & set the privacy settings so that you can chat freely without your ex or his friends or family seeing what you are chatting about.
If you go up to the top right of Lovefraud you can do a search on One moms battle & see what Donna Anderson (love fraud site creator) has written about One moms battle. Also Donna & Tina Swiften created a video (Tina is One moms battle site creator). Their Facebook page has over 30,000 members who are in the same boat as you = dealing with a narcissist.
Hugs to you.
Wishing you all the best.
Take care.
Teresa,
Not sure if you will receive this follow up to your comment but if so, can you please explain the healing techniques you use over Skype?
Congrats to Donna and to all who have taken this heart wrenching experience and have become better for it (and met someone better!) I left my spath 90 days ago and am cycling through extreme anger at him followed immediately by even worse anger at myself for being so stupid and ignoring so many signs and giving him all my money, ruining my credit,..allowing him to treat me that way for so long and then all this anger becomes a pity party for myself and what I am left with what I gave up how my life was going well and in two years I lost everything. I have full custody of our infant daughter since he has legal issues and a major problem with drugs so I don’t think he can ever have custody but I also know he will never chip in a dime for her support . After all the stories I have read on here it may be a good thing he cannot be in her life esp since he can’t hold down a job so who am I fooling that he would pay support? I hate that I was successful and reasonably confident and decent self esteem and a good person and because of the latter I am now a single mom having to file bankruptcy and start to rebuild all over again. I liquidated my 401k accounts for this asshole! I still cannot imagine ever trusting again and if I am honest with myself I can’t imagine having another lover he was that good even though I now know it meant nothing to him like I thought it did. I have read so many articles on spath abuse I know for sure he is a spath but some times I cling to a small hoPE that he isn’t and has changed and it was the drugs that made him act that way. I know that is wrong but I guess all the name calling he did along with the fact that I so easily gave him everything until I had nothing left makes me think I am a fat stupid bitch and deserve this hell and deserve nothing better than him. I find myself calling myself those names all the time and I do not want my daughter to hear it so its just on replay in my head or sometimes I explode when she is not around and yell and scream and destroy paperwork or anything else trivial (since I was forced to move back in with my parents I of course cannot destroy their stuff nor would I). And I know everytime I sob or rage or fall into a dark sullen mood where everything is wrong or can’t get out of bed all day or over eat or worst of all, wish he was somehow normal and that I could make it work, I know everytime I do these things he is winning. Even if he is 1000 miles away and can’t see me cry or yell or throw a tantrum like a child, he has won and is loving every second knowing he destroyed me and all my hopes and dreams. I do try to think positive and am going to try again tomorrow after reading this article and thinking about the law of attraction. Besides depression I have major anxiety and am always tired no matter how much sleep I have gotten. I read on this website about the adrenal issues the abuse can cause and before my two years with spath I was married to a verbal abuser for 12 years although his abuse and control issues are nothing compared to what the spath did to me.I just get so mad at how unfair it all is which is so childish but true. I am working on being mindful and staying in the present moment because I know the damage is done amd dwelling on it helps no one except HIM and I will be damned if I help him anymore than I already have! I hope to be like Donna and use this to become a better person and learn the lessons I am supposed to and even trust and love again. I just have such a long way to go and it feels like this is my new life from now on, anger sadness rage depression anxiety and regret regret regret ! Thanks for listening.
90daysgone – I am so sorry for your experience. A couple of points – there is nothing wrong with getting angry. In fact, I recommend it – as long as he doesn’t know it, and as long as you don’t damage people or property (except for papers and anything else that is expendable.) You do need to get the emotion out. You have all this pent up pain – especially if you were also with an abuser for 12 years. It must come out.
Secondly, the rumination is normal, especially early in your recovery. And 90 days is early. Everyone does it; it’s part of processing the experience. But you don’t want to be thinking about the situation all day – find ways to distract yourself.
You are just beginning the recovery process. Be gentle with yourself. You can come through this, but it will take time.
Excellent post, Donna, and I couldn’t have said it better myself. I sometimes forget how simply being present can be so elusive and yet be the answer to healing – I look for ways to avoid feeling: eating, the internet, obsessing over my home decor, etc. To simply just sit and feel is a life-changing gift. Even a few moments of mindfulness can have a big impact. I am reading Alan Watts’ book, “The Wisdom of Insecurity”. The book is a page-by-page reminder to just be present. ECkhart Tolle’s readings have a similar effect on me, as well. Often I don’t know what I’m feeling. I find myself processing non-verbal feelings from early childhood. I’m amazed at how easily the feelings come up when I am just experiencing them without trying to judge or quantify them. And as you said, the more healing I do, the healthier the people I attract into my life.
I remember some of the early dharma talks from some of the Buddhist retreats I’ve done. I recall the teacher saying that every moment of mindfulness is like putting money into a savings account. One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves.
I found a new relationship but now he has backed off, he may be scared of entrapment. I will go about my life and see what happens.
Psychologist Pat Allen says to require continuity, exclusivity and longeity. I won’t take him back.
It takes time to trust someone new.