Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Wilma18.”
The sociopath was engaged to my daughter. She is a very trusting and caring person. She was living in a town that was not close to family or friends and met this sociopath on a dating website.
He lied to her from the beginning about past relationships. He came on strong and romantic. She doesn’t fall for men quickly, but he was patient and after six months she was in love with him (his scam).
There were signs that something wasn’t exactly right but they happened so few and far between and when she happened to mention them to friends and family, she wasn’t mentioning them to the same people. So none of her family and friends had a complete picture of his fraud.
He had asked her early on if she believed in living together before marriage. She said “no”. But that didn’t stop him.
He was supposedly renting a room from an acquaintance in a town 30 minutes from my daughter (we’ll never know for sure if that was even true) but he started leaving clothes and other items at my daughter’s apartment when he spent the night. Within a couple months, he had all of his belongings in her apartment. (We didn’t realize that was all of his belongings until the end.)
The town where my daughter worked was 20 minutes outside of a large city. The sociopath got a job in the city and said he was planning to move there. He took her with him when he looked at an apartment and completed paperwork. But that fell through. So he stayed with her.
He flirted with girls at his job but did not have success with any of them.
Eventually, he proposed to my daughter and she started looking for jobs in the city. She found one and he convinced her that they should just get one place since they would be married. He told her that he could not apply for the lease with her because the acquaintance that he had been living with was evicted by the landlord, and the eviction was against the acquaintance and the sociopath.
Shortly after they moved to the city, the sociopath was fired from his job. He never told my daughter and 2 weeks after he was fired, he told her he had been applying for other jobs and found one. He was unemployed and never bothered to mention it to her. And he was not paying his share of the living expenses.
They were going to counseling with the pastor in order to prepare for the marriage and making all the plans.
When he started his new job, he changed how he was operating in Facebook. He blocked my daughter and her best friend. He deactivated his account every time he wasn’t on Facebook.
He also asked that he and my daughter sit down and figure out their budget. I am pretty sure he was just finding out how much money she had and it wasn’t as much as he had assumed.
He started his new job pretending to be the bachelor living in an apartment by himself and immediately found a woman to begin flirting with, dating and sleeping with. He was telling my daughter that he had night shifts and that he was going on business trips. I was suspicious, but my daughter wasn’t. If I had said anything to her about my suspicions, she would have been mad at me.
Less than 48 hours before their wedding was supposed to happen, the sociopath told my daughter that he still loved her and wanted to live with her, but he couldn’t marry her. Up until that time, he had played the part of expectant groom, even a week before the wedding, talking about future plans for their first anniversary. So this was a bombshell. When my daughter called me in tears, I was packing up the car to go to the city for the wedding.
There is so much more detail. I made it my mission to find out who this guy really was and if he had a history of this type of behavior. He does. My daughter told him she was not living with him and to get out. She has not seen him since.
The day that their rehearsal dinner was to occur, he moved in with his next victim. She makes more money than my daughter and owns a loft in the city.
After the sociopath, consumed by obsession
Hi Wilma18, I applaud you for educating yourself, on what your daughter, endured at the hands of a sociopath. Very few family members educate themselves, which is always sad to me, because having a family support group helps ten fold for the victim of the sociopath to heal & have a soft place to land. So for your daughter to have such a strong support (You) it will help her to heal quicker & for you to know that it’s ok if she does not just bounce back right away, that she will heal in her own time frame.
My ex did the same, he moved slowly, I saw all the red flags the second I met him thru a mutual friend. I had just move to a new city (1000 miles away from my family) and started a new job. What i have learned is (according to Steven Hassan author of Freedom of mind, A cult & domestic abuse expert) the most likely time for a vicim to get sucked into a cult or a domestic abusive relationship is when the victim has just had some type of life change i.e. going off to college, new job, moving to a new city, empty nest, divorce, relationship breakup etc. Why this time? because the victims guard is down dealing with the change that is going on in their life. And the sociopath can see this a mile away. The fact your daughter was not “living in the town” near her family is part of the reason she fell for him. Loneliness is what the sociopath look for. I too, was lonely moving so far away from family & friends.
Like your daughter, I had zero interest in dating my ex h (a sociopath), like your daughter I had zero interest in living with him prior to marriage and I did not want to marry him what so ever. Sociopaths are masters at pushing boundaries to get what they want…either stealthy like your daughter’s ex by moving closes in slowly or just demanding what every they want like my ex. They want some thing from everyone! i.e. a Boss = increased pay without working for it, girlfriend = money, sex, a place to live, friends = for them to spend their money on going out to have a “good time” etc. etc. This guy is no different then all of them
Your daughter should be so proud of herself for calling this marriage off. This is not easy to do when a sociopath has control over your mind. She needs to not only pat herself on the back, but also. thank her LUCKY STARS that she did not marry this nightmare of a sociopath. She also needs to realize that this other woman that he moved in with, is also a vicim, but more importantly, helped your daughter to escape her hell. This victim has zero idea. she helped your daughter, because she was sucked into this guys con game…one day he will cheat on her & leave her (this is his pattern of behavior which is now predicable) and she will escape him & it will be because of the new victim being sucked into his con game.
I can tell you from my own experience it is HELL to be married to a sociopath…and divorcing one is the bottom of HELL. I know that your daughter is emotionally suffering from all of this nightmare but please let her know that the best thing she ever did was walk away from this sociopath.
The best thing for your daughter to do is to EDUCATE herself on how to spot one of these dangerous sociopaths as they are EVERYWHERE in our society. According to experts 1 in 25 people mainly men are sociopath!! 1 in 5 mainly men have narcissistic personality disorder. That is 6 out of 25 that have these two personality disorders = very abusive people!! Throw in all of the rest of the personality disorders and you MUST be on guard every second of everyday.
I would highly recommend that your daughter buy Donna’s book Lovefraud 10 signs you are dating a sociopath, so when she dates again, she has a field guide to protect her after each future date. I would also recommend, that she read the book The gift of Fear by Gavin Debecker ( this one might be at your local library).
And have her google “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” to watch their interview. The biggest life lesson for me is not to weaver from my gut ever. My gut was going off the second (literally) I met my ex h. Sociopath are masterful at turning their victims head away from their gut instinct. So maybe both of you read the Gift of Fear & Lovefraud 10 signs you are dating a sociopath together that way she has a good person to talk to about dating in her future.
Thank you for educating yourself on what you daughter endured, for finding out what this con artist sociopath has been up to, and from protecting your daughter & giving her a soft place to land.
Hugs to you & your daughter ?
Take care,
Jan7 – thank you so much for the support you are offering to Wilma18 and her daughter. Your support and suggestions are so valuable!
Thank you Donna for your kind words. ?
Dear Wilma,
Please read Jan’s comment, as she’s spot-on!
Would like to add sociopaths rush a relationship, and use a technique called “forced teaming,” where they can not do enough for you, and try to force their way into getting into your business (in order to size you up).
Generally their “courtship” is no longer than 3 months, as they are moving onto their next victim in that time.
The Internet dating websites are full of them, and often the operators of eating websites are sociopaths themselves, as they often do not close profiles on your request, sometimes closing it briefly, then after a few months, opening it again. Another tactic they use to attract clients is to PURCHASE profiles from the dark Internet to populate their new dating website, to make their website look more popular than it really is. How do I know this? A friend of mine started a dating website, and when she saw the undercurrent of fraud in MOST dating websites (especially the “free” websites), she shut it down.
Your daughter is VERY lucky, and the best antidote is to be on this website, participate in Mary’s free teleconference, and be careful to avoid becoming needy, by slowly building up a healthy small circle of trustworthy family and friends.
Yours truly,
Monica
the expenses racked up, from the cancelled wedding were (in the long run) far cheaper than a marriage to an abuser..far better to call it off, make things right and move on. I wish I had had the courage to call mine off.
Thank you for all of your comments. My daughter is slowly moving on with life, but this has been a life-changing encounter. When my daughter starts dating again, I will be investigating these men for an on line presence, no matter how she is meeting them. If she dates one longer than 2 months, I plan to hire a private investigator. She doesn’t want to go through anything like this again.
Wilma18 & daughter, you’re welcome. Life changing encounter is exactly what it is. A true nightmare.
Just to let you know I have read studies that a sociopath can manipulate people into their grips with in hours, days or weeks of meeting. I would not wait for 2 months. I would suggest that you listen to her gut instinct the second you meets someone, anyone, whether romance or not. If you sees a red flag(s) you needs to take note immediately & cut them out of your life if necessary. Your gut instinct is a natural born gift to stay alive & healthy from predators. So we can not ignore our gut instinct, what so ever.
Dr Phil writes about “relationship deal breakers”. I think it is important to have your own set of “relationships deal breakers” and also his list, which you most likely can find on the net. And if someone crosses the relationship deal breaker list, that’s it no second chances for them. He also has a good book called Life Code, you can find his show series videos on this book on the net, they are worth watching.
Also, Donna has written about the horrific experiences on dating sites, which are basically a haven for sociopaths to manipulate someone before ever meeting them. Best to forgo the dating sites & meet someone the old fashion way, in person, such as a group or club or friend/family. Remember almost 40% of our society has a personality disorder. we all needs to be on guard all day long both with male & females when out living life.
One thing that has helped with my own nightmare experience with a sociopath is to never let someone cross your boundaries. Sociopaths are notorious for crossing boundaries with everyone, for fun & to get what they want. There are many books on “setting boundaries” that will help you to set boundaries & how to just move on if someone continually crosses them.
Last, most victim suffer from PTSD, have you might want to look into adrenal fatigue symptoms. Sites like Dr Lam. com have a good list of symptoms & valuable info and also Adrenal fatigue. org plus research on the net. An Endocrinologist doctor deals with the adrenal glands/adrenal fatigue. Heal your body does help to heal the mind also.
Dear beautiful daughter, I wish you all the best. You have been thru hell…you are stronger then you realize & you have a wonderful support partner with your mother, so lean on her during this difficult time & give her a few hugs too…both to help you heal & for your mother, I think she needs one too ? If you someday have the strength & courage you can post your story or parts of it, it really does help to move forward. But it you prefer not to, that’s ok too.
Wishing you both the best. ?