Chapter 1-wow! You’re an amazing guy!
It all began innocently…my daughter’s halloween party invite which happened to include an invite of his daughter too. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined the horror insanity and chaos we were about to embark on.
Perhaps it was the recent loss of my mother…or the stress of having an aging father to care for…or a sister who is only interested in the financial gains she feels entitled to…maybe it was a transition from a single mom to a single mom with an aging sick Dad coming to live with us…maybe it was a fear of being forever alone and unable to date in any normal sense of the word…but whatever the cause he targeted me like white on rice and boy oh boy did I take the bait. Hook line AND a thousand sinkers too all tied to my neck which would eventually dim my light even to the point of believing I was nothing. No one. Without purpose passion insight or anything of value.
“Well, it takes 2 to tango! Well why did you stay if it was sooo bad? Why would you allow that? Why would you sleep with him again after knowing all you discovered uncovered and after all the recovering you’d done!?” These are just a few questions we face from a world looking only from the outside in. How could they even begin to understand the brainwashing, mind controlling, trance like states we are brought into slowly and calculated. How could anyone who hasn’t experienced this kind of trauma ever understand or empathize with those of us who have lived such a nightmare in mind body and spirit?
I have been a Christian woman for 20+ years and always did my best to walk the narrow road and follow that which maintains a code of ethics morals and values. And yet…for this guy…I was somehow confused and convinced to Step away from everything I held so near and dear….the ultimate betrayal of self.
Did I allow it? In some ways yes. Did I know fully what was happening?!? Absolutely not! We get into these sorts of things innocent of the darkness and evil that is luring us in. We are caught up in the Disney fantasy of mr wonderful and finding our souls mate. They bring adventure. They stir up passion. They stir up dark fantasies and then play them out to see how far they can go. It really is all a game to them. And here we are…most of us at least a little aware there is something not quite right but having been a raised in a society where we project our own light and love into others we seem to disregard our basic thoughts and spirit screaming at us to back away. To leave to run!!!
It all started textbook love bomb style as per their norm…for they have no sense of self so their stories can be told by a million different people the exact same way! He showered me with affection. Attentiveness towards my daughter and me. He was in constant contact with me via text calls email Facebook and the like. But…early on…I noticed he spent an inordinate amount of time in the bathroom. ?I thought…poop problems?? Maybe? I asked if he was chatting online while in there. Of course he claimed a resounding no with anger and irritation that I’d even ask. He also had a need to shower multiple times a day. Always before and after work. Even if he hadn’t gotten dirty etc. Perhaps he was washing other women’s scents off himself or washing mine off prior to his next encounter? He would try and be intimate numerous times a day for the first couple months and I now know that that is because the oxytocin I was releasing and that his semen was providing to my body…was his main way to get me hooked and wanting him completely and always. And it worked!!!
He would then begin pulling away. I recall one fight where I said the only reason he didn’t want to stay was because he couldn’t control me. If only I had taken my own words to heart and made a clean break then. But I didn’t, of course. Then came the ignoring of me every chance he got. And if I brought up anything about “us” or filled with any scent of emotion I was automatically labeled crazy. Overly emotional, even a psycho. He even had the audacity to call me crazy to our children’s face and told his daughter I’m too emotional. Never mind that twice when we argued he grabbed me by my throat and said he wanted to kill me. Never mind that he constantly spoke about how wonderful all the women at his work were and how his boss woman just “warmed his heart!?”
I did get upset. But as a partner we don’t need and want to always be reminded of the other amazing women ESPECIALLY when there were NO compliments coming your way about YOU being important or special or wonderful. Who wouldn’t react after months hearing about him buying his boss lady a necklace for her bday gift then turning around and buying you one as well for YOUR birthday!?!?! And there was of course the often out to dinner comments which led me wondering what the hell just happened?!? Why would he loudly whisper anger toned words in front of our children saying I was embarrassing him? And why did he say this? Because I went to grab the girls’ kids menus. Then to be told he “HATES customers like me!” That dinner ended abruptly and we left the restaurant…my tail tucked between my legs my daughter enraged at how he had treated me and me feeling so very confused defeated and devalued.
There were so many more stories just like this…always the theme basically the same…I was somehow embarrassing him by?????? Fill in the blanks. I’m still not sure how I embarrassed him honesty. I wasn’t loud of violent or crying or anything more than just being there. But he always seemed so irritated and annoyed by me after the honeymoon love bomb time had worn off and after the masks he wore began to show cracks I began to be devalued in ways I can still not understand or explain fully. It was a time in my life of great pain and enormous confusion.
Then there was the simple fact that for 8 ish months, after the initial breakup, he would find ways to infiltrate my world. Usually done with his daughter as bait knowing my genuine care to her.
To be continued…
He never had those feelings for me — it was all a lie, an act
I have just been learning about narcissistic personality disorder in the past few months, and it’s difficult for me to realize that I have been involved with someone with this problem. As I read your paragraphs, I felt a bit relieved that I am not crazy and I am not alone. What was hard for me is the person I have been mostly in phone contact with for 18 months, is the same guy I was formerly engaged to about 15 years ago.
Back then, he did not exhibit these types of behaviors, and one of my frustrations during our contact this time around was I could not connect with the man I formerly new. This time, he refused to discuss the relationship, contacted me every week and gave me every impression that he was interested in me. Then he continued to tell me he didn’t want a woman in his life and push me away. I finally ended all contact in May, but then he comes back and tells me he has the same feelings he had back in 1997 and his heart was opening up. We spent the day kayaking, and within a week he cut me off completely for absolutely no reason and refused to speak with me!
He actually has cut me off from contact several times during those 18 months, and of course in 2002 when our engagement and did, he cut me off for good, but I did do something wrong, so I always blamed myself. I have had a gamut of emotions as I realize all this because I truly loved this man for so many years, but I realize that I cannot have any more contact with him and it’s a blessing he cut me off this time because I was able to learn about this issue.
Keep writing and I was encouraged to know that I’m not alone. God bless you!
Promise – welcome to Lovefraud. I’m glad you learned the truth about the man and are pursuing No Contact. My guess is that he always had the negative traits, but he did a better job of hiding them years ago. He may try to come back again – stand firm in your resolve.
Thank you very much! I have about 10 pages to complete of When Love Is A Lie, the book buy Zari Ballard. It definitely was used by God to open up my eyes to some truths, and to be honest with you, I doubt I’d ever hear from him, because we didn’t talk for 14 long years, but who knows. It’s just hard to believe that someone I had loved so much could be so cold, indifferent and cruel. I do appreciate your encouragement, and I’m going to try to spend a little bit more time reading people’s stories on the site.
Have noticed I betrayed my own high standards with my sociopath (I believe in waiting at least 6 months before “giving up the cookie”) but allowed the relationship to be rushed because they were “dying” of lung cancer. (They were – by refusing care!) That is the problem – they artfully mix a little bit of truth with all the lies!