You’ve met someone who is charming, charismatic, fun, attentive and, oh yeah, sexy. Your relationship is the most exciting you’ve ever experienced — at first.
Then you see some red flags, and your relationship isn’t as pleasant as it once was. After a few nasty incidents, you Google words like “pathological lying,” and see descriptions that sound like your partner. You suspect your partner may be a sociopath.
The good times are, or were, really good. You don’t want to throw it all away. So you wonder — can a relationship with a sociopath work?
The answer depends on what you mean by “work.”
You cannot have a supportive, sharing relationship with a sociopath
If by “work” you mean a full romantic partnership, where the two of you support and care for each other, the answer is no. It will never happen.
Why? Because supportive, caring romantic relationships are built on love, and sociopaths do not have the ability to love like the rest of us do.
Lovefraud uses the word “sociopath” as an umbrella term for people with antisocial, narcissistic, borderline, histrionic or psychopathic personality disorders. People with all of these disorders are impaired in their ability to love.
Antisocials and psychopaths can’t love at all. Narcissists are so focused on themselves that they don’t care about anyone else. Borderlines are so afraid of abandonment that they often engage in behavior that makes people abandon them. And histrionics always want to be the center of attention.
In short, anyone with an exploitative personality disorder makes a terrible romantic partner.
These people may be interesting and fun. They may be really, really exciting in bed. But an involvement with them is always all about them — their desires, their wants, their priorities. There is no give and take. It’s you give, and they take.
Furthermore, you cannot expect your relationship to be monogamous. Most sociopaths cheat. If you have a problem with that, you will be unhappy with a sociopathic partner.
You might be able to coexist with a sociopath, but it will be hard
I’ve heard from people who have been in long-term marriages and relationships, and after many years, finally realized with their partners were disordered. They have children, homes, businesses and financial involvements with the sociopaths that would be very difficult to untangle. So they stay.
It might be workable, depending on the type of sociopath.
Some sociopaths are parasites. They latch on to you, draw you into a relationship, and once you’re committed, just sponge off of you. They don’t really bother you, because they don’t want to kill off their host.
Other sociopaths want you to create the image they want to project. Or, they may want you provide cover for them while they live a double life of sex, drugs or crime. These sociopaths may never take anything from you. In fact, they may support you, perhaps lavishly. They are content to keep you around — as long as you are useful.
If your partner isn’t violent or abusive, it may be possible to coexist with a sociopath. You could be together, but live your own separate life. You may get good at ignoring your partner.
Your relationship won’t be fulfilling, but it might be manageable.
Should you stay with a sociopath or should you leave?
So if you realize your partner is disordered, and you’re asking yourself, “Can a relationship with a sociopath work?,” here is my advice:
- If you have no children together, definitely leave.
- If you have children together, seriously consider leaving. You’ll have to evaluate your situation carefully — is it safer for you and your kids to leave or stay?
- If you choose to stay with a disordered partner, secretly stash money away in case you need to leave in the future.
Keep this in mind: Once a sociopath is an adult, there is no rehabilitation. He or she will never develop a heart or conscience.
Many people — even mental health professionals — believe that sociopaths mellow out with age, but this is not true. According to the Lovefraud Senior Sociopath survey, 91% of respondents said that after the sociopaths they knew turned 50, their deceit and manipulation stayed the same or became worse.
Ask yourself: Do you want your sociopathic partner in charge of your finances or healthcare when you get old?
To learn more about relationships with sociopaths, check out the Lovefraud Understanding and Recovery 5-part Masterclass.
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I am in a relationship with a sociopath I think he is of the parasite kind
I’m wondering because every thing sounds like a yes ( actions regarding our life together but I’ll tell you sometimes he can seem quite normal like talking with compassion while I am dealing with an aging and sick narcissistic mother
I recall wanting the relationship to work, even once I knew what he was. And I remember a friend asking me if I WANTED to live with a grown toddler for the rest of my life, and wasn’t I already exhausted??
Looking back I can say I am so happy I did not decide to stay, to agree to his terms, and to struggle through. My life is 1000% better for having gotten away. I was able to blossom into a more full version of myself, one who is wiser and more protective of my hopes and dreams.
It can obviously be done. You can stay with someone who is disordered. But, I believe, that is a choice that dooms you to a VERY small reality, very small accomplishments, and almost zero happiness.
Thank you for your reply . Knowing it can get better
You may think you can stay, ‘tough it out’, but it wont work..the price will be too high..I know, I stuck it out for 29 years, a farm, 3 sons. It was pretty good, in the beginning; at least he was more humane, showed more loving, kindness,..but the bad sides, the little meannesses, nasties, got started early..as time went on, the meannesses got longer and longer, the ‘good times’ got less and less. The sex that was loving, tender, warm in the beginning, got to be more and more ‘mechanical’..forced, rough. usually demanding. He could treat me like crap..and still demand sex (often as a ‘reward’ for taking me out to eat, calling an earlier day on the farm, etc). More and more, I felt less like a human female, more like a worn out piece of leather. Stressful times, such as working livestock, harvests, wore me out for several weeks after. Nothing suited him, pleased him..all I got was nitpicking, blaming, criticizing, no matter how hard I worked or tried. I finally got to where i didnt care, I did what I was able to, and let stuff go. Of course he hated that attitude. I got sick from stress, overwork, often I was short on really good sleep. I found myself wishing he’d get killed in a stupid farm accident, so I could rent the farm out, and have some peace. It could have been ME who would have been killed. Our neighbors knew what was going on, but no one wanted to cross him; so it went on. It was all about control; I was worth more alive as his ‘slave’ than dead for insurance money. My marriage manageable? Not hardly. It became a bleak, lonely, tired landscape, which I often considered leaving by suicide. He almost destroyed me. Leaving him, early on, before committment would have been the only salvation.
My husband is strange and resonates with your article. What is mystifying is that although I’m moving out and soon to be living elsewhere he makes everything so difficult and although he doesn’t want me in any way and shows no affection,he doesn’t want me to leave either. He seems to drain my energy and continually complains about my short comings. I can’t remember when he said something pleasant or encouraging. Because I’ve had major health issues due to the ongoing strain and stress, I don’t want him in my life when I get really old . He doesn’t believe what I say and disagrees with me on everything even however unwell I feel. This article says it really well. I don’t know why I’m so unloveable but have got to the point of not caring. Now I want another life.
rozzermundi — You are not unlovable – he is incapable of love. Repeat that until you believe it. He is making your life hard because that is how he gets his pleasure. Your leaving is unacceptable to him because that means he no longer gets to torment you for fun – and it means his cover is blown. Congratulations on your soon-to-be independence. You will be amazed at how your health improves, how your attitude and mood improve without him in your life. Practice No Contact daily. Give yourself the space away from his toxicity to heal. You are doing the right thing. And remember always — you ARE worthy of love!
rozzermundi – the sociopath doesn’t love you, he wants to control you. He doesn’t want you to leave because then he loses control over you. But stay strong and get out, because he will never change.
Can it Work?
I have been married to my husband for almost 18 years now, and within the last 2 years, I have become VERY confident he is a sociopath. Though I cannot confirm that, unless a doctor has diagnosed him; What I AM positive about is that he is an abuser (as I have found all cluster B disordered people to be).
Within the last year, after a “blow out” where he destroyed all of my things that were within his reach at the time, and got physical with me and restrained me, until I said what he wanted; I reached out for help, and shared this about him, for the first time, with family, I had just recently been reunited with, about 7 years ago. (He isolated me from all my friends and family, for over a 10 year period, when I first started dating him. Thank God, I was able to make contact with them again, and they have become a part of my life, once more.)
Thank God, I had found Lovefraud.com, several years ago, and after reading all the information here I could, I started to “put the pieces together”; That something was VERY wrong with my marriage, and my husband. He fit the description of Sociopath basically to a “T”! Although, it was sinking in slowly, I was still battling myself, with: “Could THIS actually be true?!” I was recommended a book that CHANGED everything, from someone close: “Why Does He Do That?”, and in a moment, where time seemed to stand still, it described him perfectly, and I realized what I was dealing with. Over and Over I hear to GET OUT!
It just seemed like a nightmare! One day, I BELIEVED I was in a marriage, where we were both equals, with equal drives to see the marriage and each other thrive; Although, a marriage that had obvious problems and things we needed to work on; I believed, that we both, eventually, WANTED, and would work things out in the future.
NOW! I am seeing that I have married a VERY SICK individual. His mind is NOT WELL, and I see after immersing myself in the education here, and elsewhere, that NO Contact is the best contact because he will not change.
To leave, when I first realized for sure, or even now, would mean I would TURN MY LIFE UPSIDE DOWN. After being together for 18 years, there is A LOT intertwined. So giving it all up, is the most probable outcome I would have to prepare myself for. While I have options to stay at someone’s house, that means, I would willingly inconvenience them as well. Realistically, with the type of person he is, I have to prepare myself that it will get REALLY ugly. And So that means, I will have to be willing to give up, my fur babies, ALL I own, and basically leave with the shirt on my back, and whatever I can throw in my truck. It seems like a part of his attitude is saying “Bring it on” because he knows what destruction he could/would cause and how he would show me he will “win”.
So, I found this article very interesting, because I thought “Can it WORK”? and I suppose in a way, I am trying to see if it “Can Work”…
I bought my own vehicle, with only my name on it. I have moved into the other room of our house. I have started saving money. I am exploring extra jobs, and career planning. I will say, that over this year, it has NOT been easy, to establish more boundaries, and distance. He is definitely fighting against not being in control. BUT it has become more CRYSTAL clear of what he is!
It seems like he is what I call a “Functioning Sociopath/Abuser”. Meaning, most of the time, he acts like a normal person, is considerate, and can interacted with positively. But if pushed, or if the circumstances are right, he will blow up, and become abusive on one level or many. I know he holds beliefs in line with an abuser, and cluster B personality: Superiority, Grandiose Sense of Self, Entitlement etc. And I would say on a daily basis, he naturally does SOMETHING abusive in one way or another.
THANK GOD! And Thanks to sites like this, and people like Donna, and all of you!
Because NOW, I am NOT seeing if it “Can Work”: The fairy tale marriage I dreamed of, when I was young; What I THOUGHT I had.
NOW, I see, that I am dealing with an individual that has a mental disorder, and UNTIL he addresses, it, recognizes it, owns it, WANTS to change it, and then WORKS to change it; He will remain UNWELL. I truly believe it is going to take him, asking for help, from God.
I cannot tell you HOW much EDUCATION helps! Now, I see through IT ALL! I see, and identify, ALL of his tactics. It is SO freeing not to be wrapped up in the emotional “drama web” they HAVE to create!
So I am seeing if it CAN WORK…. And by that, I mean if I can remain safely, in my own house, and be left alone, to live my life as I choose. I am seeing if I can live, establishing more boundaries, without being abused.
Understanding COMPLETELY in my mind, that THERE MAY come a time, where I see that NO, it is NOT possible; No it Cannot Work….
I did not know what I got into, when I married him, but he became a family member. I understand as well, on the other hand, sometimes though, there is a need to cut a sick family member out of your life, because they are so damaging.
But I also see, THAT would be HIS choice, if it comes to that. If he oversteps a clear boundary. However, it will not change the fact that It Cannot Work, and that I will need to leave.
What a really great article! Thank you
getstrong,
This makes me sad. The price you will pay in happiness, security, peace, joy, discovery, personal wisdom, new relationships…..EVERYTHING, is too much to lose. I want to pluck you out of the pages of your own life and set you down, safely, somewhere where you can find some real purpose and peace. You will never find that living under the same roof with someone who has a personality disorder.
I understand feeling like the process of leaving will be WAY harder than the BS of staying. But this probably isn’t true. It will, initially, be horrible. He may run a smear campaign against you. He may try and keep all of the stuff. He may spend your accounts down to zero. He may yell and scream, cause many scenes, and stalk you.
He will want what is ‘his’. You are a possession to be used in whatever way he see’s fit, and as far as he is concerned, you do not have the right to run your own life.
But if you have no children (not sure if you do or not), MOST of what you will lose is STUFF (and sleep). The other things you think you will lose, like this idea of ‘family’, will mend.
Your body, mind, and emotions can heal. BUT ONLY if you get away from the person who is injuring them.
If he is has a personality disorder, and is a middle aged adult, he is not going to change. God is not going to miraculously heal him.
To be transparent I am not a believer in God. But, from what I understand he only helps those that help themselves. You need to help yourself. Facing fear, being courageous and self-loving in the face of SERIOUS circumstances, this is the stuff of miracles. But we have to be willing. We have to truly care for ourselves enough to take ourselves out of harms way.
It is so good that you have learned a lot about this kind of abuse. But I would challenge you to take the next step. You deserve true happiness!!!!
Slim
Live in senior public housing, and I can assure you sociopaths GET WORSE as they age, as many tenants in senior public housing are sociopaths. They get WORSE as they run out of potential victims, as their charm fades. Do everything in your power not to end up here!
Have to correct this article. sociopath is NOT a catch-all term for cluster b personality disorders. It’s is a distinct and separate condition in and of itself and it is irresponsible to conflate borderline and histrionic with sociopathy. Though there may be overlapping symptoms they are not the same thing!
sab88 – Actually, the word “sociopath” is not an official term for anything. “Sociopath” is informally used to mean “antisocial personality disorder,” which is the official terminology used in the DSM. I thoroughly explain Lovefraud’s use of terminology here:
https://lovefraud.com/everyday-sociopaths/whats-a-sociopath/
It is actually not that bad and can work. My girlfriend was diagnosed 2 years in our relationship. We are together 6 years now which is not much but also not too bad considering our age. I should say this article really got some things wrong and misunderstand them. A loving and caring relationship with a sociopath can work, it can exists… maybe not in the more traditional sense but to be honest from my expirience the relationship with my girlfriend have been the best for me so far and seems a lot more stable than these of my friends for example.
Now… sociopaths feel, they are not unloving or uncaring, they are not all these aggressive manipulative predators. An important things i should mention though that is often left aside and no one seems to talk about it is that all these specific behaivour of sociopaths are not really a much of a choice. It is a lot more an instinct and you do not know you have done something until you do not exist the situation and are able to analyse what just happened. Another thing is that sociopaths are not that different, they are specific combination of otherwise normal things in different extent.
It is not that they are not capable of love but doing it in a different way. My girlfriend is intelligent and really caring and gentle and all… but also painfully honest and lacks emotional intelligence. She can observe people, analyse them, but would not truly understand them sometimes… she would be stuck wondering and not being able to tell if this person is sad or just bored because his body language just does not make it clear enough for her. She also would not understand why people cry when there is someone death… She sees it as an act, performance, a play… just like i do not believe people in internet who pray or claim for being that much sorry for others they do not even know. It is not that different, just taken further. That is why, yes, sociopaths are not the best emotional support, at least not for everyone.
At the other hand i know if i tell her what i need or want in an emotional moment she would do everything possible to provide it ignoring her own emotions. At the start it was incredibly weird to me mainly because it was something new. I was used to see when someone is upset people going to them, hugging them, crying with them or repeating positive slogans. It was not the same with her though. I was upset once and she would just stay at reasonable distance observing me and patiently waiting for me to got my breathing asking if i needed or wanted something and i just could not proceed or answer. Then she just stayed quite until i spoke to her. Said she did not know what exactly was happening, did not have enough information and since i could not tell her what i need or want decided to stay away worried and staying confused but did not want to take the risk of doing something wrong and making things worse for me.
I have been through some really hard emotional moments but actually really appriciated her concern and how she acted. When someone find you in a new and unknown for them situation they usually just shower you in questions because THEY are confused, because that is new for them… When it comes to emotions my girlfriend have accepted everything always is like new for her, no need of satisfying wonder or confusion so she just asks what i need, what i want, what can she do to help etc. I learnt to trust her and be honest with her in such moments, to ask when i want something, to reach and not just hope for help… And it is actually nice having someone strongly grounded in such moments, who will be able to observe the situation calmly and find fast way to help you instead of failing in the same emotional hole as you.
She have not wanted anything from me except to be honest and that is mainly because she is a really honest person when it comes to sharing opinion or wanting something and she does not want to feel like using me or benefiting more from our relationship than me. Our relationship is kind of unstandard that is for sure but a lot more open as well. And surprisingly or not she is one of the most understanding and non-judgmental people i know and ever knew. Maybe it is because she thinks different, because she understand logic and thinking a lot better than emotions and therefor use it a lot more often in explaining the world and people, maybe it is for the wrong reasons as some would say but this does not change in any way the fact she is that understanding.
She have her problems of course… One of which being how irresponsible she can act at times due to the fact she once again does not expirrience fear the way most people do. Do not get me wrong she can feel afraid, can be worried, paranoid etc… but do not do so to the same extent others do when it comes to the things she can’t control. Sure she always have at least 2 plans and tons of back up plans trying to have as much control and information about something as possible, it just comes to her as natural, as instinct (and i and others can often be truly surprised how many possibilities we never could even think about let alone consider she have already thought of, pluses and minuses and calculating covering the different plans with each other). Therefor she does not fear failure. She sees it as a game she tried to win and just lost unfortunately even when it comes to lives including her own (despite i seem to be exception)
About the anger and boundaries… it is a normal human emotion and once more it is kind of different when it comes to her. She is from the people who can hold a lot but at some point have to vent and get it out. Her boundaries also were always weird to me. She did not mind being beaten up, hurt in different ways etc, did not even bother to report it although it was actually pretty serious (again she said the fault is just as hers and if she let it happened than she just lost the game and had it coming) but seemed ready to stab a person for eating too loud. What i mean is she rarely gets angry, maybe once a year but when she does it is serious and can happen suddenly even over something as small as eating too loud (or leaning down when eating soup, not staying properly, not eating with the temp of the others on the table, taking too big pieces, being impolite or not clear enough when talking, not ironing your clothes, wearing matching tie and pocket square, ordering spaghetti in public etc… things a normal person would not care about or even notice)
When it happens she would make sure i am okay, that i am fine, feel safe and still can use my reason good enough not to do something stupid then excuse herself and just leave only come back later limping or hurt in general in some way. I have witnessed several of her break downs and how she would smash her arm or knee in whatever (no matter if it is iron radiator, wall or wooden door although i have never seen her really destroy or harm any actual furniture or anything) only to realize what happened and start shaking, trying not to cry and apoligising for letting it happen in front of me and all as if apologising for existing at all.
We have both been through different types of depression and she have not really overcome it as it created these phases when she craved the thrill, risks, pain, strong emotions etc.She said she knows she does not have the will or energy to fight and face it and could only limit the loses so she found ways to distract herself (currently not only studying but having 3 solid jobs, always finding side ones or helping relatives, a lot of hobbies and for the most part taking care of the household) which sometimes worries me feeling like considering everything said up to here it is like a chain and if something changes way too much elsewhere the whole chain will change or maybe even fall apart as well.
At the end of the day though i am from the people who claim that love is not enough and i am still staying behind when i say i am thankful for my relationship with her and it is possible, it can work and all… We know each other since the second part of high school (i remember how one day she just suggested to me that she can be my enemy… for these cases when i feel the need to be able to freely hate and blame someone. It was so weird but actually felt really nice as well), we have grown to understand each other better, to agree to disagree, to be more open as i finally truly trusted someone and although it may not be the most “healthy” thing we depend on each other in a way. I have never felt in any danger around her, i am not worried she may be manipulating or lying to me, i do not feel disrespected in any way, in fact quite the opposite and it works for us. Sometimes i would just dive in her world and she would seem more normal than what is considerate normal.
And what else can i say… Everyone got problems, every relationship got these small differences that you learn how to live with, there is always a solution just not one that will give you everything and personally i think my relationship with this sociopath seems to be a lot better, understanding and stable and caring than some of my friends and even family. i feel like when it comes sociopaths there is not really a room for big and drastic changes. Instead it is about time and learning together. They do not trust or have strong bonds with a lot of people, they do not love or care for most people but when they do it is not that bad at all.
Now sociopaths can be harmful that is for sure, can be dangerous and all and i know my girlfriend is not the same when it comes to friends of friends, or most people in general and you should be skeptical towards them but they can also be self aware because as i said what makes them sociopaths is the specific combination of otherwise normal, natural things that comes out as instincts.
It is not what most people expect or usually have as an relationship, it is not for everyone, it is different, to some it may feel like a deal, just living with someone but not being with each other all the time and it can feel like walking and shifting between two completely different worlds being alone in seeing the actual difference etc… But i really want to also say that it there is not universal describtion. It is not just a relationship with a sociopath but a person (and people are all different) who is also a sociopath.