Focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want

Editor’s note: Liberty Forrest, author of several self-help books and a certified Law of Attraction Life Coach, explains that the way to recover from the sociopath and move forward in life is to focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want. Read more about Liberty.

By Liberty Forrest

If you’re living with a sociopath or the fallout from one, you could well have found yourself dwelling on all the pain, frustration, betrayal, fear, and other emotions that have become “the norm.” I mean, when you’ve been immersed in such a toxic, negative situation, it seems impossible – if not ridiculous – to envision moving past those feelings. Your world has gradually slid into a place that you could never have imagined at the beginning, a world in which you feel like you have no control, no self-esteem, perhaps even no real sense of who you are anymore.

And from that place, it can become difficult to focus on creating a wonderful new life for yourself.

The great news is that “difficult” does not mean “impossible.” The first place to begin is with your thoughts — focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want.

The Law of Attraction says that like attracts like. It’s at work constantly, whether you’re thinking about it or not, and whether you believe in it or not. What you think about, you bring about. Positive or negative, whether you want it or not, if you keep thinking about it, you will attract it to yourself…whatever “it” is.

You may not see the opportunities

Even if you don’t want to believe that there is such a law in existence, look at it this way: If all you think about is what you don’t want, it’ll be harder for you to see opportunities to get what you do want. It’s that simple.

This might help you understand: Imagine that you’re upset about something. You’re going through a rough patch. On top of dealing with a sociopath, maybe your job is threatened by cutbacks or your health is bad – or perhaps you’re stuck with all three of these issues at once. So you’ve got all these worries on your mind. And you’re not very hungry, don’t particularly care about food or meal planning but your fridge is empty and it’s getting a little skinny in the cupboards, too.

Read more: Is your partner a sociopath?

So you drag yourself off to the supermarket, get a shopping cart and aimlessly wander up and down the aisles. You’re thinking about the relationship problems, the arguments, the hurt feelings, the question of whether or not to separate and what that might entail. You’re wondering if you could get another job but probably not in the current economy and then what would you do…Or you’re feeling tired and your back hurts and your head aches and you’re having a lot of unexplained pain lately.

So there are you, not giving a rat’s @$$ about the shopping and you’re wandering up and down the aisles, not caring what you buy, staring at numerous tins, packets and boxes on the shelves but not really seeing them. Perhaps occasionally, you grab something familiar and chuck it in the cart but your mind is only focused on all of those problems that you don’t want, and the situations that you’re worried about.

You’re in a supermarket filled with beautiful food choices but you’re not seeing all the opportunities for great meals that are right there in front of you. You’re not even thinking of the simplest ones, let alone the ones that take a little more time and effort but are so worth every bit of it. You’re not seeing the possibilities that are fairly leaping off the shelves at you, because you’re so distracted and preoccupied with your worries that you can’t see anything else around you. So you’ll grab a box of biscuits or a tin of soup, boring and uninspiring things that reflect your state of mind and your complete and utter lack of interest in food or cooking. They reflect how you feel about your life.

And to make matters worse, not only do you bypass a million fantastic opportunities during your time in the supermarket, once you’re home, you discover that you still don’t really have much to eat besides the minimal selection of boring and uninspiring things you chucked into the cart because you didn’t give your attention to the thousands of products that were right there in front of you.

It is the same with Life. If you’re only focusing on the things you do not want, and that do not make you happy, you will have no appetite or enthusiasm for the possibilities that are all around you and in fact, you won’t even see them. All you will see are more problems and things going wrong. It’s what you’ve come to believe is the truth of your life – even if you don’t think of it that way – so that’s what you’ll notice.

Are You Wearing Blinders?

If you wish you had a better job or an opportunity of some kind, but you don’t believe you could find one, you are not likely to see one, even if lands right in front of your feet. It’s like going through life wearing blinders. You will only see what you want to see, and if you don’t believe you will see anything good, then you won’t see it, full stop.

It is essential to keep your eye on where you want to be and on the kind of life and relationship you want, not on where you’ve been and what you don’t want. The more you do this, the easier it is to find the determination to keep focusing on it. When you focus on what you want, and not on what you don’t want, your intentions become sharper, stronger, and you will begin to see the opportunities that will help you get to where you want to be.

Think of your future like the vegetables in that supermarket when you were distracted by your thoughts. Which vegetables do you want? How do you want them prepared? In a soup? In a stew? A sauce? A salad? With which herbs? Or dressing? Or other foods to complete a meal?

Learn more: Self-care for survivors

Focus on those vegetables. And as you do this, you will begin to see the possibilities, an idea or two, a recipe you haven’t made in ages. The ideas will begin to come to you. Keep shoving away your worries, because worrying is just a prayer for the negative. It wastes your time and energy; it accomplishes nothing, other than to derail you and keep you stuck. You won’t even be thinking about vegetables at all, much less thinking of ways to prepare them and what else you need for that recipe. Instead, you’ll be staring at a months-old tin of tasteless chicken soup with noodles so soggy they’ll fall apart when you look at them sideways.

Focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want

Life will keep throwing stuff at you that you don’t want, and the misery caused by a sociopath is a prime example. It’s your job not to let it knock you off balance. It’s your job to steel yourself against it by focusing on those vegetables and the countless opportunities that are right there just waiting to be noticed. If you keep thinking your life is awful and that it always ends up like that for you, that’s exactly what it will be. It’s your job to make it be a life you love.

Sure, there will be plenty of challenges put in your path; everyone gets those. But don’t let a sociopath steal your happiness and your future by focusing on the damage that person caused. It’s your right and your privilege to create a better life – and it is well within your power, whatever your circumstances, because the one constant about life is “change.” It is inevitable. But how your life changes is entirely up to you.

Focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want. Refuse to be derailed. Refuse to give the negatives your attention beyond what is absolutely essential to deal with them. Insist that you will have, be, and do whatever it is your heart desires. In doing so, your eyes will automatically be open to spotting whatever opportunities are available to help you achieve your goals, just as they will automatically be closed to them when you are not remotely receptive or open to seeing them.

You’ve got the power and ability to change and refocus your thoughts – because every one of them is controlled by you. And if you allow them to knock you off course again, simply refocus again. And again. And again. With practice, it becomes easy to do.

Keep your eye on the prize. Then watch for the opportunities that will help you win it.

This article was originally published at LibertyForrest.com. Reprinted with permission from the author.