I was caught in a trauma bond with a psychopath

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Samantha22.” Her husband said, “their love was destined in the stars.” Much later, she realized that what she felt wasn’t love, it was a trauma bond.

I was caught in his gaze when I was out one evening watching his band play a local pub. He didn’t take his eyes off of me, and my boyfriend at the time wanted to leave. A few months later, I was single and I saw he was playing again, and I planned to go with a girlfriend. She bailed right before, so I went on my own.

A promoter was chatting with me about music, and saw him and offered to introduce me. I first declined, saying that’s okay, but he’s insisting, saying don’t worry, he’s very nice. He’s into conversation, and within seconds I was standing before him, and I was very much seduced by his superficial charm and penetrating gaze. He wanted us to go somewhere that night, and I said no, I need to go home. After I was home, he tried again, calling me on the phone.

I met him during the day, and he showed me his practice room, and talked incessantly about himself. I didn’t even speak but nodded my head every now and then to appear engaged, but it felt like being sprayed with a firehouse of information. At times he would share something to appear vulnerable, telling me highly personal stories.

This went on for a few weeks, where he didn’t even take me out for dinner, but held me hostage to his endless talking. He was always the hero or victim in each story. Eventually he asked me some pointed questions that felt intrusive, but I answered since he’d been so forthcoming. I had just left a 15-year relationship with my son’s father, and I dated an old boyfriend from my early 20s, but that seemed doomed to differences.

The man of my dreams

His stories began to mirror mine. He was also divorced. He loved spending time with his girls. He was even born at the same hospital as me. We were so alike it seemed. His previous partners were crazy, alcoholic, and abusive. He just wanted to have a family life more than anything, which is what I wanted. I did not see the many red flags that lined the path to doom. I believed I had met the man of my dreams.

As the relationship progressed, he became more controlling and intimidating, he continued to lie repeatedly and with ease about anything, significant or otherwise, particularly about his past relationships, mirroring my interests and personality, with intermittent outbursts of anger intended to intimidate me whenever I attempted to leave him or break up.

He engaged in intense and relentless campaigns to regain trust, as well as stalking behavior. He often bragged about his superiority to others. He’s a musician who never really made it, and his band is mostly a vanity project that is propped up by our personal income, so he can look good and enjoy the benefits of that role.

Controlling and superior behavior

At one point, there were two well-known and respected musicians in the band, but they left after a short period, likely due to his controlling and superior behavior. He told me they were intimidated by his talent and work ethic, and that’s why they both left. One member is in the music hall of fame with the band they are known for.

Even at a lower level of success, he still can tour Europe and the states, and he has 8-10 albums out that are on Spotify, but his band can bring in 100-150 a night on tour, which isn’t enough for him. He tends to attach himself to more popular tours as an opening band, to hide the fact that his following isn’t as popular. He’ll post photos on socials where he’s playing in front of a massive crowd, but it’s a festival, and those people don’t know who he is, and he’s playing the lunchtime slot.

He is very jealous and insecure about other men, and other musicians, very thin skinned. He especially is jealous of one particular musician, who has a large fan base. He would talk for hours, an endless monologue, about all the ways he’s better than this guy. He would get angry if he caught me listening to his music, which I happen to like. He would explode into a violent rage if his ego was threatened, even by accident. He would lash out viciously even when you promised him that you didn’t mean to hurt his feelings.

Two opposite personas

He has two distinct and polar opposite personas: one is the public-facing persona who is humble, helpful, caring, loves his kids, perfect husband, creative and goofy, jokes around (humor isn’t actually funny), into fitness and healthy living, sober for 10 years, stylish in expensive attire, makes small gestures to help others that are broadcast to all and used to leverage to gain admiration and trust, tells all about his humble beginnings and tough abusive childhood. A real nice guy.

And behind the mask of sanity is his true self, which appeared demon-like the first time I saw it; it was that scary and very different from the person I thought I was with. I got a chill and fear hit me when it appeared. I’m not especially woo, but I had a sense there was something supernatural happening when I saw his unmasked self, really terrifying.

His true self

His true self is angry and violent, vulgar, misogynistic, conceited, full of delusions of grandeur, very full of himself, extremely selfish, uncaring and unfeeling for others, no empathy, no conscience, no morals, exploits others, sees people as ‘tools’, parasitic, enjoys controlling others he views as being weaker through intimidation and manipulations, he can’t be alone, he keeps multiple relationships going at one time, lies and cheats without conscience or remorse, believes he deserves whatever it is he’s taking from others, threatens violence and uses violence to control, feels superior and entitled, very jealous of anyone who appears to have more, doesn’t really like or love anyone including children, uses children and partner for cloak of respectability, constantly chasing other women in spite of relationship or marriage, needs adoration from others to feel good about self, cares a lot about what others think about them, uses partner’s money for themselves, gives little back to partner and children in both time, caring, and money.

He spends lavishly on himself while children and partners wear thrift store clothing, very smug and highly manipulative, gets joy from hurting people who trust and love him, gets joy from tricking others, isn’t able to feel love, empathy, or care for another’s well-being even their own children, views children as extensions of himself so any care or damage control is related to how it looks to others, won’t allow children or partner to cause embarrassment for him, fragile ego, can’t take criticism or not agreeing with him, enjoys tricking others, has a long history of violence and intimate partner violence that wasn’t apparent in early stages of relationship, stalks and harasses when partner attempts to get away, sending numerous text messages and phone calls back to back, threatening me that he will destroy me, calling me disgusting names, and then a second later, he puts the mask back on, and his speech and expression are totally different, and he’ll say he loves me and our love is destined in the stars. We are soulmates.

Trauma bond was established

At this point, a trauma bond was established, but I didn’t know what that was or why I was feeling so compelled to return to someone who was abusive. I questioned myself and entertained ideas that I was damaged and couldn’t be happy outside of a controlling and abusive relationship. I wasn’t educated about abuse or manipulation at the time, so I felt confused by his actions and events, including my own actions and feelings, as I would reflect on the dichotomous statements and actions that were in opposition to each other, but which one was true?

I wanted to believe he loved me. I wanted to believe the best, and dismissed his bad behavior as being a defense mechanism of some sort, because the poor guy had such a rough childhood. He made sure I knew how much he suffered in life, and only my love will heal him. He said he was a bad person before we met, but my love turned him around. He told me that I saved him. I know it’s corny in retrospect, but I didn’t have much experience with relationships or bad people, and it sounded like a fairy tale.

Read more: The Betrayal Bond (redux)

He stalked me relentlessly and embarrassed me in public to wear me down, which worked. He appeared one evening without me telling him where I was at a cocktail bar. I had sought refuge one evening as I wasn’t wishing to see him and I wanted to reflect and process the things that were occurring in the relationship. He suddenly appears and approaches me, and he ordered the bartender not to serve me alcohol ever again, because I was an alcoholic, and something terrible would happen if he did. I’m not an alcoholic, but he knew that would embarrass me. And he kept making a scene until I left with him. No one helped me or offered assistance or asked me if I was okay, so I didn’t feel like I could count on the people around me to assist if I held my ground.

Buying a house I didn’t want

After that, he bungled a project that he was doing with an investor friend, where the friend put up the money to purchase and renovate a house to flip it, and he was supposed to do the work. He didn’t pay attention to expenses, and they spent more than it would sell for at that time. He came to me and told me I had to buy it to help him. I said no, I didn’t want that house, and there are other ways to address that issue, like waiting for the market to increase. He kept on badgering me, using every manipulation and emotional blackmail and even threats and intimidation until I relented and used most of my savings to purchase the house I didn’t want.

It was small with no living room or closet space, and there wasn’t any privacy. The neighbors could see into the backyard, and their windows were only a few feet from ours. If we opened a window for air, we could hear every word like we were in their house. I’m sure it went both ways.

As soon as I moved in with him again, his fake niceness and proclamations of love instantly disappeared, and they were replaced with contempt. He bullied me and screamed into my face if I disagreed with something he said. I remember the moment I realized my mistake in trusting him again and tears rolled down my face, and I saw him smiling at me smugly.

I did my best to hide my emotions, because it felt like he was feeding off of them somehow, like an emotional vampire. He loved attention and compliments, of course, but he also seemed equally pleased with tears and anger and frustration. He was cold emotionally, and the only real emotions that he exhibited were anger, hate, contempt, and smugness about his superiority, as he believed. He lied easily and often.

I paid for the wedding

He insisted we get married as soon as possible, because he had asked me over two years prior, and what would people think. I told him I didn’t have much money left and weddings are expensive and take planning, I offered we should wait until we both had more money and settled in at the house, but he insisted that we must do it that summer. He told me his friend was offering a venue for free that we could use, but only for the time being, if we waited, it would cost us more. I didn’t like the venue, but I agreed since it was close to his family, and he wanted to invite them.

Ninety-five of his guests showed up, and I had eight. He wanted to add more, but I told him I was out of money. I couldn’t afford to pay extra to the caterer. He had implied that he would pay for the services if I planned it and acted as our own coordinator, which I did, and he stuck me with the entire bill of $20K, so I did everything, planning, booking, invitations, decor, and paying for it.

Silver skull ring

He didn’t even pay for or choose the wedding rings. He kept sending back every ring that I chose for him, because something wasn’t right, but he didn’t say what he wanted, so I told him it was for him to take care of, and subsequently he never bought one. Instead of a ring, he bought himself a sterling silver skull ring exactly like Keith Richards has from the same jewelry store in England, but I forgot the name.

And after telling me he didn’t have money to pay for the wedding or even part of it, he took himself and his band and friends to tour Europe with a lame 90s grunge band which he also paid for. The rate the band offered to the supporting act didn’t come close to covering the expenses and plane tickets, hotels, food, etc. He told someone afterwards in front of me that it cost him $10K to go on tour 3 days after our wedding. No honeymoon, because we can’t afford it, according to him. He promised me that we would have one when he returned, but never mentioned it again.

Stress makes me ill

I was terribly worn down after the stress of the wedding, and I was working extra to pay for everything, and I broke out in shingles as soon as I got home. Shingles develop from chickenpox in elderly people, typically, and I was not elderly, just really depleted. I was told to rest in bed for a few days to recover, or they could become worse. I asked him to get a couple items from the store and explained that I needed to rest. He typically didn’t shop or clean or do anything he viewed as beneath him. He never went to the store, and he left the house and didn’t return until after midnight. This behavior was typical of whenever I was ill or needed help. He would typically disappear, sometimes after attacking me or screaming at me, doing something to add to my hardship.

The financial abuse was also happening throughout the relationship. Asking me to buy tickets or pay for something because he didn’t have the right card on him, and he’d never repay me or reciprocate. He reciprocated only enough to keep the relationship going, and whenever I’d bring it up, he’d shame me for being petty and keeping count.

One occasion he invited me to New York because a promoter gave him free plane tickets to bring his family. I was expecting that this would be an occasion where he would reciprocate for the many favors he’d demanded from me. He expected me to pay for everything once we were there, including his kids and friends. I had to pay for all meals, and he brought his kids too, the museum entries, and also when he invited a group to go up to the top of the Empire State Building, which was $65 per person or something like that, and I paid for everyone, so he wouldn’t look bad. I would never call him out in front of others, which he used to his advantage.

Abuse becomes worse

I was separated from anyone who I knew before him, and didn’t tell any of our mutual friends about the abuse, although a few commented on his controlling behavior, like commenting on him telling me I’m not allowed to drink alcohol, which I was okay with. It seemed healthy.

Our entire relationship, he was smearing me and planting seeds that I was controlling and abusive. I tried to leave, and after I told him I wanted a divorce during the pandemic, because the abuse got so bad, he begged me to try couples counseling with him before we threw away this relationship that was supposedly written in the stars.

I agreed, and the abuse got way worse, but the upside was that I began to see his manipulations and lies and hatred toward me as if a veil had been lifted and suddenly my vision was crystal clear. I went through the stages of grief, of course, at the realization, and I immersed myself in learning about abuse and control and why people do it.

Dark spell of a psychopath

I felt stupid for allowing this to happen, which is common. I felt something must be wrong with me to have fallen for all the lies. It seems obvious when you tell the story, but it’s not to the person who is living it. That’s why they want to isolate you, so someone who isn’t under the dark spell of the psychopath hears what you’re telling them, and brings you back to reality. Which brings me to the worst of it, I learned something even more chilling as I put the pieces together.

I had married a psychopath. I initially assumed he was garden variety narcissist, which isn’t nice, but they don’t usually kill people. He is a true psychopath, and no amount of counseling will help with that.

He hid it so well. I was actually making plans to leave and had hired an attorney when I learned I had breast cancer. I wasn’t sure if I could take on the stress of enduring both cancer treatment and divorcing a psychopath who promised to win if I ever went to court and to destroy me, as I’m aware he enjoys causing pain and chaos. I decided to deal with cancer first and put the divorce and separation on hold.

Working through cancer

When he learned I had cancer, he screamed into my face while shaking me back and forth, “what about me?!!” He insisted that I still host and cook thanksgiving dinner to entertain the parents of his daughter’s boyfriend. He promised to help me, but he didn’t, of course. I did all of the cleaning and preparation, decor, shopping, chopping, cooking, etc, and cleaned afterwards. I could barely stand up, and I had terrible pain in my kidneys.

Same with Christmas. And after promising my care team at the hospital that he would take time off work to take care of me after my surgery, he left me overnight at the hospital when I should have come home, and after dropping me off at our house, he gave me the silent treatment for an entire week while I learned that the cancer had spread to other areas from a recent test.

He intentionally abandoned me to go out with his fans and other women he’d been keeping on the back burner, and he didn’t offer any assistance to me at all. I wore the same clothes that I came home in for three days until I could take them off with one hand and wash my hair with one hand since my right arm was painful and had limited mobility.

The assault

After 7 days I attempted to speak to him, and he assaulted me when I picked up his phone from the bed. I still had drain tubes in my body and stitches, and that wasn’t an issue for him. In fact, he grabbed my right arm that had fresh incisions and yanked it forcefully, and pushed me onto the ground. After I was on the ground in tears, he stood over me and said, you did this to yourself, you’re abusive.

For the first time ever, someone called the police, and they came to the house and arrested him. I grabbed a few essentials and left to stay in a hotel in case he was bailed out. I was terrified. The prosecutor issued a no contact order, and they are pursuing prosecution since he has a history.

I have not spoken to or seen him for 2 months now. I’ve been staying in hotels and I had to rent a car because he was violating the order and intimidating me, and my car is known. In fact, he totaled a car that was similar that I had purchased after working really hard to save up, and he handed it back at the scene of the collision, forcing me to take care of the details and insurance stuff. He didn’t even offer to help me look for a new car, not even a ride to the dealership. I had to Uber to the rental car agency.

Learning more about abuse

I have evidence through text messages and documents of much of what I’ve detailed. I will likely do counseling, and I’m proceeding with the divorce. I have continued to learn more about abuse and the psychology of who is often victimized by psychopaths and narcissists, and I feel a lot stronger now than two months ago.

I wish I had that information sooner and that psychologists and counselors also knew what to look for. Psychopathic abusers are very cunning and covert in their abuse, relying heavily on plausible deniability. “Who me? What? Oh, she’s crazy, poor thing.”

Learn more: Counseling survivors of intimate partner terrorism — effective and ineffective interventions

It’s very serious and dangerous in spite of the ridiculous nature of what they’ll do in order to convince others they’re just like them. A former girlfriend shared with me that her skull was cracked, and she can’t remember what happened other than she was arguing with him. Really disturbing. He did even more unspeakable things to her, and she’s damaged to this day. I called her once to ask about the abuse when I was deciding if I should stay through my cancer treatment. Everything he told me about her and the relationship was a lie.

I didn’t see myself as a victim of abuse during the course of the abuse. I’m successful, somewhat intelligent, independent, and I have strong values which guide my behavior. That didn’t matter.