He used me from the start

Editor’s note: A young woman from India recounts her experience with a man whom she now knows is a sociopath. She says, “He used me from the start.”

I found out about his disorder just a few days back. I was looking for answers, trying to understand this disorder better and also make sense of what happened to me and that is how I found Lovefraud.com.

I met him in 2019, almost 5 years ago and was in a relationship with him since then till about a few days ago when I found out about him. He manipulated and lied to me the whole time. I would have never found out about his disorder had the other woman who he was cheating me with, magically I would say, by the Almighty’s grace somehow managed to contact me. 

I am 28 years old now and we were planning on getting married. He talked about me to his family as well, that he wants to marry me, all the while being a live-in relationship with this other woman since the last 5-6 months. 

I doubt it she was the only woman he got involved with during our 5 years of relationship. I really doubt it. 

Diversity in India

India is an extremely diverse country in terms of race, religion, culture, ethnicity and a lot more. We come from extremely different cultures, regions, religion and race within the same country. 

As a matter of fact, Indian society is conservative and marriage or relationships are not free or individual choices is most of the cases. Caste, religion, region and a host of other criterions are the basis of relationships and marriages. But my philosophy of life is different and I thought his is different too and that is how I thought we were together for these many years and also moving towards marriage.

I come from an indigenous community from the eastern states while he comes from the only Muslim majority state in the whole country, located in the northernmost part. He has used me ever since the start now I realise and all his “good” parts were also an investment/plot to keep his image or win my trust for further exploitation. 

Conning and lies

He conned this other woman of some amount of money in such a short span of time. She was somehow able to extract it back from him after we got in touch and found out the reality. 

The story is so lengthy, so complex that I am finding it difficult to write every detail of it at a go. He lied to me till the last, even when he sounded ridiculous and it would have served him better had he spoken the truth. But as I have learnt through Lovefraud.com, that’s what sociopaths do, they lie, even if they need not, even if truth would sound better, even for themselves. 

Pitching women against each other

He twisted truths, manipulated, gaslighted and lied to me all through. He is great at pitching women against each other and benefiting from it. Luckily for me this time, the other woman he was involved with was smart and a good person, and we did not give him the chance to manipulate us separately and be pitched against each other like the previous time with his ex and I.

Read more: Red Flags of Love Fraud

It went very ugly between his ex and I, partly because he was a clever sociopath and his ex was an egotistic person as an individual, and perhaps all of it triggered my own past trauma because I was cheated on even in my previous relationship before this sociopath. 

Social dynamics

The socio-political dynamic of my country today is very polarised, sensitive and scary. Because of these I cannot even share my experience openly because he is a Muslim and the right-wing politics in the country is extremely anti-minority and anti-Muslim. 

I am scared that this person’s disorder will be used to malign a whole community, and a completely different angle will be given to it, especially the angle of “love-jihad,” a dubious term the right-wing politics have coined to term a phenomenon where Muslim men entice women from other religions for conversion in the garb of love. This is a pure propaganda, but the country has been polarised and numerous lynching of minorities keep happening every day.

This sociopath man I was with did the same thing he did with me to his ex, who was a Muslim. And the reason he might have done more of it majorly with women from other religion region is because his own society is conservative, orthodox and strict. Hence, it is easier to find his prey in more open societies, and amongst women from other less conservative societies or simply outside his own region where it is easier, where it’s not as close knit. 

I want to feel understood

I want to feel expressed, heard, understood and connected with a community who could really get what I have been through. And I would be glad if my story could help another victim to be on alert, or heal from this type of abuse like many other stories in the platform helped me hold my ground and stand steady through whatever I am going through right now. 

It’s been a long painful 5 years of trauma. My sense of reality has been completely shaken, I was living a lie for 5 years. 

Helpful therapy

I started therapy in 2021 after he had called a woman who was his ex, which he had confessed. I was extremely disturbed and hurt with what he did, but I forgave him and we got back together. He manipulated me into thinking that it was really a mistake and that he is very guilty and remorseful about it. 

I had to start therapy again a few months back because of upheaval and disturbed state I was in, due to our relationship, which now I realise was his doing. It finally culminated into me finding out about his disorder. 

I’m still in therapy sessions trying to recover and heal. Therapy or professionals adept in dealing with these particular cases are very rare. Especially in a country like mine, accessibility and cost factors are a huge impediment in finding the right kind of help. Therapy helped me feel lighter, because I had someone to express my trauma to without feeling the guilt of trauma dumping or burdening others with my pain, which I feel when I depend on family and friends. 

Although i shared everything with my sister and friend, and I am seeking their love and support too, I wanted to seek professional help to help myself and not burden family and friends too. Therapy gives me a sense of relief and an outlet, and I have been seeking and benefitting immensely from Lovefraud.com

Learn more: Beyond Betrayal — how to recover from the trauma