Sociopaths as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

In my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud — 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, Red Flag #10 is a “Jekyll and Hyde personality.” The term “Jekyll and Hyde” originated in a Gothic horror novella published in 1886 by Robert Louis Stevenson. Today, the phrase means a person with a two-sided personality — one side good and the other evil.

In the original story, Dr. Henry Jekyll was an upstanding gentleman and Mr. Edward Hyde was prone to violence. The story reveals that Dr. Jekyll was drinking an elixir that turned him into Mr. Hyde, who committed multiple murders. Eventually, however, Jekyll spontaneously turned into Hyde, without the elixir. Then, he became Hyde permanently.

Romantic partners survey

My book, Red Flags of Lovefraud, is based on a survey that was filled out by more than 1,300 Lovefraud readers. They were all romantically involved with people whom they came to believe were sociopaths. 

I asked the respondents if their partners exhibited typical sociopath behaviors such as love bombing and the pity play — most did. When I asked if their disordered partner exhibited a “Jekyll and Hyde personality,” 64% said yes.

What does this look like?

The beginning of a relationship with a sociopath is all charm and romance. He or she proclaims that the two of you are soul mates. You are love bombed. The sociopath quickly wants your relationship to become exclusive and may talk about marriage on the first date. Perhaps even before the first date.

This is the behavior you see as the sociopath is seducing you. Then the loving behavior may disappear, either suddenly or gradually, and be replaced by disinterest, criticism or rage. Instead of the attentive romantic partner who first swept into your life, you’re faced with someone so cold and callous that you don’t know who it is. And then the solicitous lover may return, again showering you with affection. 

Shocking behavior

It’s really quite shocking — and confusing — to be on the receiving end of such treatment. Here’s how one woman described the man that she lived with for more than five years:

He could tell me he loved me and hated me right in the same sentence. Or tell me he was going to do something horrible to me (destroy me or bring me down or whatever), then turn right around 5 minutes later and say how much he loved me and would do anything in the world for me, then 5 minutes later something else horrible he was going to do, or he would on impulse say something nasty and leave to go do something else, then show up an hour later with words of love and not understand why I didn’t think he loved me or why I would be upset, because didn’t he just tell me he loved me? 

You feel off-balance

If you’re the target in a situation like this, you never know which person you’ll be dealing with — the romantic or the raging maniac. You feel totally off-balance and afraid to say or do anything that may set your partner off — the phenomenon described as “walking on eggshells.” 

This is how cycles of abuse begin. You are built up with words and actions of love, then battered down with words and actions of contempt. You don’t understand what is going on, and do everything you can to make the loving suitor come back — slowly losing yourself in the process.

Early in your relationship with a sociopath, you may get just a glimpse of coldness — a reaction or an outburst that seems stunningly out of character. The sociopath may quickly apologize or make an excuse — it was just frustration or stress, nothing to worry about. Then he or she resumes love bombing. 

If you see this, you are witnessing the mask of normalcy slipping. The sociopath has been acting as a caring lover and temporarily breaks character. He or she then works to convince you that what you just saw was an aberration, never to be repeated.

Charade until the wedding day

Some sociopaths can keep the charade of love going for a long time — at least until they are sure you are hooked. So, it is possible that you won’t notice any overt change in a sociopath’s loving behavior until you are totally committed to the relationship — moved in, married or pregnant. Several Lovefraud survey respondents experienced this:

Initially (he expressed love) with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfulness’s. After I married him, he said, on the honeymoon, “I can stop acting now.” I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.

From very loving to cold indifference … started right after we were married … The change was startling … cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory … self righteous, irresponsible.

In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with. He was a stranger to me in all ways.

It’s not good and evil

Stevenson’s book was entitled, Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and literary critics have been analyzing its themes and meanings ever since it was published. It’s often interpreted as an examination of the duality of human nature, which can be civil or barbaric. It’s also considered to be an allegory of the struggle between good and evil.

But that is not at all what is happening when sociopaths engage in Jekyll-and-Hyde behavior. They are not torn between two aspects of human nature. 

Here’s what you need to understand when you see a sociopath flipping between integrity and aggression, between love and hatred: The loving, kind behavior is an act. It’s a charade that the sociopath puts on in order to seduce you. The real person is the hateful, critical, condescending tyrant. 

Sociopaths are not struggling with good and evil. They are evil but pretend to be good when it suits them.

Your recovery

When you’re in recovery from your dreadful experience with the sociopath, this can be very difficult for you to come to terms with. You probably grew up believing that we’re all created equal, everyone has good inside, and we all have our baggage, so you should give him or her the benefit of the doubt.

Sociopaths will gladly accept your sympathy and compassion. Then they’ll use it to take advantage of you.

Your recovery means healing your heart, career, finances — whatever the sociopath damaged. It also means reconstructing your understanding of human nature and how people treat each other. It means incorporating into your awareness the idea that evil exists, and you’ll see it in Jekyll and Hyde behavior.

I know exactly what you are experiencing, so when you’re ready to rebuild your life, reach out to me.

Book your FREE 15-minute discovery call with Donna Andersen