7 sociopath strategies for making demands

Sociopaths view you, and all other people, as objects to be used. They want something, and they believe that your purpose in life is to deliver it. But how, exactly, do they get you to do what they want? Here are seven sociopath strategies for making demands.

In the beginning of your involvement, of course, sociopaths typically sweet talk you into going along with what they want. They work to convince you that it’s a really, really good idea, or it will be really, really fun, or they really, really need it. Then, when you agree, they can’t stop thanking you.

But once sociopaths feel that you are sufficiently under their control, that all stops. The niceties go away and they simply expect you to meet their demands. Here are typical strategies.

Strategies for making demands

Commands

The first strategy sociopaths use is straightforward — they command you to do what they want. 

Now, this doesn’t necessarily mean that sociopaths are barking orders, although they can. The command authority comes not from what they say or do, but from their energy of entitlement, their supreme confidence that they are right and they deserve to get what they want. 

The famous social psychologist Stanley Milgram found that people tend to comply with instructions given by someone whom they perceive to be in authority. Sociopaths assume authority, whether they deserve it or not. When they issue orders, we just go along with the program.

Pleading

Sociopaths work to convince you that they are desperate, and you are the only person who can help them. They beg. They cry — they can actually generate real tears when necessary. It’s all part of the act.

In her book The Sociopath Next Door, psychologist Martha Stout says the best clue that you are dealing with a sociopath is the pity play, which is an appeal to your sympathy. 

Human beings are biologically programmed to respond to other humans in distress. Sociopaths may or may not know this. But they certainly know that if they can get you to feel sorry for them, they get what they want.

Harassment

Here’s another simple strategy that sociopath often employ — harassment. They keep bugging you until you can’t stand it anymore and give in, just to shut them up. 

This works great for them but is terrible for you. Why? Because you teach the sociopath that if they bother you long enough, they win.

Gavin de Becker talks about this in his book, The Gift of Fear. Here’s what he explains:

Suppose you decide to go No Contact with a person. You ignore 30 calls from him or her. Then, on the 31^stcall, you pick up the phone and yell, “Leave me alone!”

Well, you’ve just taught the sociopath that after 30 call attempts, you will give in.

Trickery

Sometimes sociopaths simply trick you into doing what they want. My sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, was an expert at trickery. Here’s an example.

During our marriage, Montgomery had an affair with a woman whom I call “Sylvia” in my book, Love Fraud. Sylvia’s young daughter was seriously ill, and Montgomery kept promising to buy her a dachshund.

Montgomery found a dog in a pet store and told Sylvia to bring her daughter there to see if she liked it. The child, of course, instantly fell in love with the dog. So, Montgomery told the shopkeeper they would buy the dog. He picked out a bed, collar and food and put it all on the counter. 

Then Montgomery walked outside to supposedly take an important phone call. He told Sylvia that he forgot his credit card — could she use hers? He would pay her back.

Sylvia couldn’t disappoint her seriously ill daughter, so she paid. Of course, Montgomery never paid her back. Sylvia had been tricked.

Guilt

Guilt has a place in our lives. For most of us, it’s how we learn, and how we internalize morality. 

Sociopaths, however, do not experience guilt. In fact, they perceive their lack of guilt as a strength, and our excessive guilt as a weakness to be targeted. 

So the sociopath does something wrong and says it’s your fault. They get fired  — it’s because you got them upset. They crash the car — it’s because you told them to avoid hitting animals. You have nothing to do with their problems, but they blame you anyway.

And here’s the big one — they threaten suicide. The objective is to guilt you into doing what they want.

How should you respond to a suicide threat? You call 911. If it’s all manipulation, you will call their bluff. If they are serious, a professional should handle it, not you. Either way, calling 911 solves the problem.

Accusations

Sociopaths routinely make wild accusations about you. They say you’re cheating on your taxes, or stealing from your customers, or abusing your kids. 

If you’re in a romantic relationship with the sociopath, sooner or later you will be accused of cheating on them. In fact, you’ll be accused of cheating with someone who is totally inappropriate, like your child’s friend. 

None of the accusations have any basis of reality, but that doesn’t matter. The idea is to keep you on the defensive, so you don’t have the strength to resist when they make demands.

Here’s an observation that might fortify you: Many Lovefraud readers have noted that sociopaths accuse them behavior that the sociopaths themselves actually engaged in. So if you find yourself on the receiving end of ridiculous accusations, perhaps the sociopaths are confessing their own bad behavior.

Threats

One manipulation strategy that you should evaluate very carefully is a sociopath’s threats to harm you, your family, your animals or your property. 

Sometimes sociopaths are full of hot air, but sometimes they are not. Remember — because sociopaths have no heart, no conscience and no remorse, they are theoretically capable of anything. Maybe you would never do what the sociopath is threatening, but that doesn’t mean the sociopath wouldn’t do it.

If the sociopath is threatening violence, take it seriously. If you have seen the sociopath fly into a rage and their eyes turn black, take the threats very seriously. 

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you know the sociopath has been violent in the past, even towards animals or property, get the person out of your life.

How to respond to demands

Human beings are naturally cooperative. Sociopaths take advantage of this normal, human quality to use people for their own agendas.

They may start out asking nicely for what they want. But if you resist, they’ll probably start employing one or more of these demand strategies — commands, pleading, harassment, trickery, guilt, accusations or threats.

The sociopath will not stop. If you don’t want to comply with the demands, what do you do? Get out and go No Contact. 

No Contact

It’s not enough to just leave; you must go No Contact as well. Why? If you’ve been involved with this person for any length of time, you’ve likely been worn down by the continuous, nonstop demands. You may no longer have the strength to say no.

That’s why No Contact is so important. When you go No Contact, you no longer hear the demands, so the stress of dealing with them is gone. It’s the first step in reclaiming your life.

Learn more: Survivor’s guide to healthy people and healthy relationships