Although we think of love as an emotion, it is really more like a drive. Emotions come and go, whereas drives, like love, tend to persist. All emotions are associated with distinct facial expressions, whereas love is not. Love (like all of the basic drives I have discussed in this blog) is difficult to control. Furthermore, the most recent scientific research indicates that all drives, including love, are associated with activation of the brain pathway called the mesolimbic dopamine pathway.
Attraction: the first stage of love
Love, like other drives, is associated with wanting to get something. That something we are talking about here is a partner. The first stage of love, then, involves seeking out a partner. Scientists have called this the attraction phase. It is important for each person to understand how the attraction phase works within himself/herself. There are both conscious and unconscious parts to attraction.
The attraction phase involves the senses, primarily sight and smell. There may be chemicals that activate the brain through smell that we are not consciously aware of. Similarly, we may like the way someone looks and not be sure why. Our conscious mind and unconscious mind may be looking for different things in a partner. The unconscious mind plays a big role in our partner selection process.
It is important to realize that we can be taken over and captivated by attraction. Some of the symptoms of attraction or falling in love are “butterflies in the stomach,” clammy hands and racing heart. These symptoms are direct evidence of the physical nature of the love drive.
There is pleasure associated with getting the objects of our drives. In the brain, this pleasure involves many important chemicals like dopamine and the endorphins. Contact with the lover is also pleasurable because it releases oxytocin. This chemical produces reward by calming us down. (It doesn’t matter that it is the lover’s fault that we need calming.) Oxytocin is a powerful, natural anti-anxiety chemical.
The attraction phase usually lasts no more than 18 months. The reason for this is that it is too consuming. People have to be able to function, and when our energies are over focused on a lover, we aren’t as productive in other areas. Furthermore, the attraction phase has only one purpose. That is to get us hooked. When the pleasure chemicals and anxiety relieving chemicals are released in the brain, a compulsion is formed. That compulsion is to be with the lover. So the love that starts out as pleasure in the company of the lover becomes a compulsion. When the compulsion phase sets in, we feel compelled to stay with our lover no matter what. That is when we know “bonding” has taken place.
So the stages of love basically involve attraction, followed by great pleasure, followed by bonding. I would add a fourth stage, caretaking. Normal people feel an urge to take care of others toward whom they feel bonded.
Sociopaths and love
Ability to love, then, involves attraction, pleasure, bonding and caretaking. How is the sociopath’s experience of love different from what I have described? First, I never met a sociopath who did not do exactly what he/she wanted. I have to conclude from this that the attraction phase operates relatively normally in the sociopath. In fact, many sociopaths hang around only as long as the attraction phase lasts. There is evidence that emotional arousal is abnormal in sociopaths. So I would also assume they experience the pleasures of attraction without the “butterflies.”
It is blatantly obvious that sociopaths do not bond in the usual sense. Their love drive is thus stuck in the attraction gear and they can go no further than attraction. But don’t stop there! As the sociopath experienced the pleasures of his/her latest object of attraction, his/her drive for conquest was also activated.
The sociopath simultaneously experiences pleasure in attraction and pleasure in conquest or power. In other words, although the sociopath cannot form a love bond, he/she can acquire a possession which he/she strongly believes belongs to him/her.
If I enjoy something and I work very hard to get that thing, it is mine! I feel entitled to something I enjoy and work for. That thing also should keep giving me pleasure and satisfaction in order to stay wanted. If a possession is no longer pleasant and appealing to me, I throw it in the garbage. Now, if someone breaks in and tries to steal my possessions, I am angry and feel violated. Does any of this sound familiar?
Unlike the caretaking of the true love bond, the caretaking behavior of sociopaths is only self serving. I take care of my stuff because I have to. If I want people to envy me, I make the outside of my house look good and wax my car. Then people driving by see the great looking house with the new car in the driveway and think I really have it made. My stuff gives me status. If I don’t take care of my stuff, my status goes down.
So again we see that although sociopaths have a rudimentary love drive, in the end their drives are all about power and status. Don’t be fooled by the occasional care taking behavior, it is not motivated by empathy or a true love bond.
Dr. Leedom, this all makes sense to me. I was married almost ten years and looking back I don’t think my ex loved me in the true sense. Any time he would do something “thoughtful” for me…he would seriously call his mother and let her know, every single time! He also could not handle it as I had more children. He could not handle not being first for attention. If he came home and his dinner was not ready, or his favorite, huge brown towel not ready for his shower, he would absolutely flip…throwing things around, yelling and berating me. It wouldn’t matter that I had sick children or just an infant to care for. His public appearance is still his number one priority…he has ignored his children for long period of time, but then show up at one of their practices looking like father of the year. Sometimes, it is comical the extremes that exist between his private and public persona.
Your explanation makes me understand why he was so angry when I left. I was his posession. I completed what he thought he should be in public. When I walked out, I made him look bad (in his eyes)…and he could not have that…so the anger, but that was over eight years ago. I hate to say this, but it seems my only hope of him ending his hatred of me is “latch” onto someone else who can make him look good and who will cater to his every whim, but unfortunately for me, my ex has never even dated (as far as I know). He seems stuck in his anger. I wonder if there is any other way to have him focus on something else…to ease the anger he feels toward me?
This post was really interesting and helped explain alot. I guess the most terrifying aspect of sociopaths is that even though we know what they are about, ‘themselves’, they do things that may sometimes counteract this notion. In the last paragraph of the original post you write, “Don’t be fooled by the occasional care taking behavior, it is not motivated by empathy or a true love bond.”
What triggers sociopaths to do this caretaking act and not base it around themselves? I am sure that in the long run there is a self drive goal…but what causes them to alter their normal me, me, me personalities and transform even if for a second on to someone else? Is it to deceive us even more?
Its interesting because my ex sociopathic boyfriend used to tell me all the time that there was nothing like the love from a child (which he had) or a dog because their love is non judgmental, innocent and unconditional…I started thinking and could relate to that but in a way felt like his manner of thinking was completely corrupted because a child and a dog don’t know any better. They can’t express hurt from the sopciopaths distructive nature and are not verbally able to expxress their emotions. They go into the world not knowing that such a horribel type of person exists. Any thoughts on this….
What a great example of the thought processes of a person with sociopathic traits!
They are motivated by the need to achieve power and control in relationships. So children and dogs are good, they are easier to control as you point out.
A person with severe sociopathy only does care taking when it is required to get sex or power. There are many people with sociopathic traits that have a rudimentary ability to love. These people can at times show true kindness. The best example of this is the addict who begins to love after a period of sobriety.
By all appearances, my ex-husband took very good care of me during our marriage. His ‘acts of kindness’ extended beyond me to include my family members, friends and even colleagues. Many people told me how lucky I was to have such a loving husband. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that his kind acts were not done from the heart. My marriage was built upon a foundation of lies and deception. It was indeed a difficult truth to comprehend and accept.
It is power indeed. When I flat out asked my ex-boyfriend the sociopath why he had targeted me when he had all these other women, he said ” I had to have you” and “You were quite a challenge”
i love the article on “gaslighting”…………my ex wife would do that to me in our 18 yrs of marriage, she would want me to think she was so naive and a terrible liar, when in reality she was sly as a fox..as sociopaths are……i told her i didn’t want her going to this bar,it’s a meat market i said……………a hour later she would come to me and ask, ” honey when you said meat market……….did you mean meat market?….or meet market?”……….all of our friends and even family members were fooled by her!………our two boys were devasted when we found out about her double life………..nine yrs later they still want nothing to do with her, very sad…………i beleive it does catch up with you eventually……………..i thought when everything first happened it was the worst day of my life………………i look back on it now, and it was actually the best day of my life!………..the head games this woman would play with me, she had me thinking i was going nuts!………it got so bad during the divorce , when i went over to the house to get xmas ornaments with my sons, she attacked me and she was arrested. i had to put a restraining order on her….and i’m the man!………..these people have no emotion and no remorse..they will use you and discard you when they are done with you…….it sounds robotic……..and it really is!…there is something wrong with them, wiring inside the brain or something……….they will suck you in with their charm!
maybe this is good therapy to write about it…….it’s something you have to deal with yourself, inside your soul…..i found out going to a couple therapists…..that they are more screwed up than you!……..marrying my ex was the best and worst day of my life. good because of my two sons from her, they are the highlight of my life!…….the worst because i was married to a sociopath…….in court it came out in the custody trial that she was giving my sons cigarettes at 13 and beer to my 11 yr old.among other things…………my lawyer asked me, didn’t you know this?………of course not! being married to her for so long you would think the both of us were on the same page!………..who gives cigarettes to a boy at 13???????…in reality she was trying to be their friend instead of their mother!………buying them cell phones and roller blades when i wasn’t around………….i would tell her, kids have their friends at school, being their friend comes when they are 25!.until then they need parents!……..as i said before by her being their friend, it all backfired on her and now she has no one just a ex con boyfriend…………i’ll never understand how some people think their life is like a cats, they have nine lives, and they can make up for the damage they cause later on…………sorry it doesn’t work like that, one life to a customer!………..make the most of it…………..some things that are done can never be repaired!…….also, isn’t it terrible how a judge can sit there in a custody hearing and he will decide who your child lives with?………my judge was judge greer, the judge who did the terry schivo case in florida……………when i was talking about my son, this guy is sitting in his chair falling asleep!!!!!!!!……..i kicked the table to get his FULL ATTENTION!….this is my son we’re talking about!!!!…….you will pay attention!……our tax dollars hard at work!
In reading this post above, Dr. Leedom states that, “the stages of love basically involve attraction, followed by great pleasure, followed by bonding. I would add a fourth stage, caretaking. Normal people feel an urge to take care of others”.
Furthermore, Dr. Leedom says, “we see that although sociopaths have a rudimentary love drive, in the end their drives are all about power and status. Don’t be fooled by the occasional care taking behavior, it is not motivated by empathy or a true love bond”.
My sociopath was initially very amorous, kind, generous, and seemingly caretaking. But his passion, kindness and generosity diminished noticably over time, to the point of stinginess…emotionally and financially. And in the end he had no nurturing instincts whatsoever, just callous disregard (and discard).
Dr. Leedom further states, “The attraction phase usually lasts no more than 18 months. The reason for this is that it is too consuming. People have to be able to function, and when our energies are over focused on a lover, we aren’t as productive in other areas. Furthermore, the attraction phase has only one purpose. That is to get us hooked. When the pleasure chemicals and anxiety relieving chemicals are released in the brain, a compulsion is formed. That compulsion is to be with the lover. So the love that starts out as pleasure in the company of the lover becomes a compulsion. When the compulsion phase sets in, we feel compelled to stay with our lover no matter what. That is when we know “bonding” has taken place.”
This was also noteably true of my S; I’d say his first rage episode wasn’t for 6 or 12 months, but certainly by the 18 month mark he was having an episode every month or two. Extreme juvenile behaviour, acting out, volatility, anger, and seemingly over nothing significant.
This brings into the focus the “compulsion” or obsessiveness many of us have felt regarding our Sociopathic lovers. We are still seeking the “pleasure chemicals and anxiety relieving chemicals”. We found happiness, pleasure, the “dream” and we don’t want it taken from us. Hence, we continue to seek the companionship of the S long after the love phase has ended.
Dr. Leedom further states, “contact with the lover is also pleasurable because it releases oxytocin”. So we continue to want/need the chemical pleasure we experienced while with the S.
This was a very enlightening post and provided some good answers of “why” we continue to desire the S’s. Thank you Dr. Leedom.
The neurochemical phases of “love” and “bonding” I think are also reinforced by having sex with an individual as well.
Those people that we are attracted to that we don’t actually have sex with, seem to not be as strong as those that we do have sex with.
This is one reason that when and if I ever look for another life partner I will not have a sexual relationship with that person for quite some time. Six months to a year minimum from the time I am “attracted” to them. I think that by focusing more on the “get to know you” and “see you in many situations” I will not be so likely to allow the “bonding” that takes place (for me at least) along with sexual intimacy. If a man is not willing to “wait” for that intimacy, it disqualifies him as a potential partner anyway.
Comments on this part of it too, Liane?
Here I am reading about the “bonding” chemicals, so that I can better understand….better understand “WHY” the “PULL” to read his emails, look at previous emails, search in forums for recent posts from him, etc…… It is absolutely crazy!!!! AND YES, it definitely feels like a compulsion….an addiction….my next “fix”.
Granted and I must give myself a bit of slack here, it has only been 13 days since I kicked the S out of my home….but still. What I find incredible is that your mind goes from “glad he’s f&$#@en gone and that I can finally breathe and not walk on eggshells” to “what is he feeling/doing/saying?..Where is he? Is he hurting? Is he hurting for me?”…..
I also agree with your comment OxDrover with regards to the neurochemical phases being reinforced by having sex with an individual. Looking back to the beginning of my relationship with the S, I remember that it didn’t take long before we had sex….and, what made it “worse” (at least for this toxic bonding side of things), he was such a damn good lover, that you were TOTALLY in “gaga land”…..his caress, his gentle words, his “love”, his passion….wow! So, obviously, “yer done for”…
In fact, I also remember that when I kicked him out the first time, I was smooth talked into meeting with him. I was “sucked in again” by what seemed to be such an honest, loving conversation …. a complete willingness “TO DO ANYTHING” to have me in his life…. It was the perfect simple, yet romantic setting of a picnic evening under the moonlight….perfect foreplay for an incredible night of sex. That was it after that…I was hooked again. I couldn’t get any of this evening out of my mind….I needed/wanted so much more of it…..hungry, after being starved for so long…..addicted.
As soon as he was back in my house, only 3-4 weeks later, he was back to being the ASSHOLE that I kicked out. The affections, the massages, the soft gentle words of love were all out the window.
I know it is going to take awhile to try to “delete” these fantasies from my mind….because they were, in fact, only fantasies of what I wanted him to be. He was NEVER this wonderful, loving, affectionate, supportive man….at least, not for long periods of time. He was this “ideal man/lover” ONLY when he saw/felt that he was loosing ground….being found out…being confronted with the deficiencies in a loving relationship.
I too, if I ever have another relationship (which I can’t even think about nor imagine right now) will definitely WAIT TO HAVE SEX. I know, looking back at it, that this undeniable has a HUGE impact on my love & bonding process towards a man.
That is of course, if he is a “MAN” and not an absolute “LEACH”…..
Obviously in deep emotional thought here…but, I think that I need to get it out….need to release these emotions….these frustrations….
It allows me to breathe….again. Breathing feels good…it has been awhile….
Calmer now and really glad that I have this forum to enable the healing process for me.