Although we think of love as an emotion, it is really more like a drive. Emotions come and go, whereas drives, like love, tend to persist. All emotions are associated with distinct facial expressions, whereas love is not. Love (like all of the basic drives I have discussed in this blog) is difficult to control. Furthermore, the most recent scientific research indicates that all drives, including love, are associated with activation of the brain pathway called the mesolimbic dopamine pathway.
Attraction: the first stage of love
Love, like other drives, is associated with wanting to get something. That something we are talking about here is a partner. The first stage of love, then, involves seeking out a partner. Scientists have called this the attraction phase. It is important for each person to understand how the attraction phase works within himself/herself. There are both conscious and unconscious parts to attraction.
The attraction phase involves the senses, primarily sight and smell. There may be chemicals that activate the brain through smell that we are not consciously aware of. Similarly, we may like the way someone looks and not be sure why. Our conscious mind and unconscious mind may be looking for different things in a partner. The unconscious mind plays a big role in our partner selection process.
It is important to realize that we can be taken over and captivated by attraction. Some of the symptoms of attraction or falling in love are “butterflies in the stomach,” clammy hands and racing heart. These symptoms are direct evidence of the physical nature of the love drive.
There is pleasure associated with getting the objects of our drives. In the brain, this pleasure involves many important chemicals like dopamine and the endorphins. Contact with the lover is also pleasurable because it releases oxytocin. This chemical produces reward by calming us down. (It doesn’t matter that it is the lover’s fault that we need calming.) Oxytocin is a powerful, natural anti-anxiety chemical.
The attraction phase usually lasts no more than 18 months. The reason for this is that it is too consuming. People have to be able to function, and when our energies are over focused on a lover, we aren’t as productive in other areas. Furthermore, the attraction phase has only one purpose. That is to get us hooked. When the pleasure chemicals and anxiety relieving chemicals are released in the brain, a compulsion is formed. That compulsion is to be with the lover. So the love that starts out as pleasure in the company of the lover becomes a compulsion. When the compulsion phase sets in, we feel compelled to stay with our lover no matter what. That is when we know “bonding” has taken place.
So the stages of love basically involve attraction, followed by great pleasure, followed by bonding. I would add a fourth stage, caretaking. Normal people feel an urge to take care of others toward whom they feel bonded.
Sociopaths and love
Ability to love, then, involves attraction, pleasure, bonding and caretaking. How is the sociopath’s experience of love different from what I have described? First, I never met a sociopath who did not do exactly what he/she wanted. I have to conclude from this that the attraction phase operates relatively normally in the sociopath. In fact, many sociopaths hang around only as long as the attraction phase lasts. There is evidence that emotional arousal is abnormal in sociopaths. So I would also assume they experience the pleasures of attraction without the “butterflies.”
It is blatantly obvious that sociopaths do not bond in the usual sense. Their love drive is thus stuck in the attraction gear and they can go no further than attraction. But don’t stop there! As the sociopath experienced the pleasures of his/her latest object of attraction, his/her drive for conquest was also activated.
The sociopath simultaneously experiences pleasure in attraction and pleasure in conquest or power. In other words, although the sociopath cannot form a love bond, he/she can acquire a possession which he/she strongly believes belongs to him/her.
If I enjoy something and I work very hard to get that thing, it is mine! I feel entitled to something I enjoy and work for. That thing also should keep giving me pleasure and satisfaction in order to stay wanted. If a possession is no longer pleasant and appealing to me, I throw it in the garbage. Now, if someone breaks in and tries to steal my possessions, I am angry and feel violated. Does any of this sound familiar?
Unlike the caretaking of the true love bond, the caretaking behavior of sociopaths is only self serving. I take care of my stuff because I have to. If I want people to envy me, I make the outside of my house look good and wax my car. Then people driving by see the great looking house with the new car in the driveway and think I really have it made. My stuff gives me status. If I don’t take care of my stuff, my status goes down.
So again we see that although sociopaths have a rudimentary love drive, in the end their drives are all about power and status. Don’t be fooled by the occasional care taking behavior, it is not motivated by empathy or a true love bond.
StarG: This is how I look at our EXs and I do believe they can be retrained to learn about all God’s virtues. They can be made whole again and to feel again. They just can’t do it on their own, that’s the problem. It has to be taught to them in a safe, structured, loving, compassionate environment.
They can be taught that it’s OK to live virtuously, to experience it, to incorporate it in their lives and to be made a whole, feeling, caring person again. Yes, a feeling, caring, loving person who positively functions again in society.
But, and there is always a but, they can NOT do this on their own due to their fears, insecurities, arrogance and control that they have acquired over their lifetimes to guard their very existence (survival techniques). This is how they survived in life and they aren’t willing to give it up without a fight to hold on to the ONLY tools they know and need to survive. They are comfortable with their way of life and see no reason to change. Perception. Remember we talked about people’s perceptions in life. Well our EXs have their perceptions about how to live life too.
It’s sort of like, patient, heal thyrself ” conduct your own surgery? Without the knowledge and the tools to be a surgeon?
They have to be guided by compassionate, loving, caring individuals who have acquired the patience of Job, who can stand back objectively, view the overall picture , not pulled into the myopic control techniques of their patient. They have to know before taking on this overhaul of healing that they will be manipulated, bullied, lied to, conned, deceived, played and toyed with, purposely projected towards a dead end road (another form of manipulation and control) … all the games that arrogant, manipulative, intelligent personalities naturally have learned to play to obtain power and control of others for their own survival.
Our EXs, as well as other anti-social personalities, are fearful to face their own insecurities, frailties, any and all human flaws that exists within each and every one of us.
As we grew and stretched ourselves throughout our lives, we learned to face our fears. We learned to work through these fears to see the big picture of the fear and when we came to an understanding, we were then able to move forward with our lives by either building up from those fears or deciding to leave them behind because we naturally outgrew them.
Our EXs never analyzed their own fears and insecurities. Therefore, they never worked through them and resolved them ” to accept them or release them. They believe, truly believe that they don’t care or feel, therefore, they pretend to ignore those feelings. But, those fears and insecurities reside inside them as they live their lives. They carry these fears and insecurities deep down inside them everywhere they go. They never resolved said fears and insecurities. They never work through said fears and insecurities. They never comprehend and work out said fears and insecurities. Hence, they never grow or rid themselves of said fears and insecurities (talk about carrying your baggage around with you???). In reality, they are running, always running from themselves as they live life and nothing gets resolved.
This is why arrogance and control are the first tools they acquire to learn how to succeed in their world. Next comes lying and all the rest of the negative vices in life.
Due to their intellect, their cunning, their need for control and their arrogance, they refuse to accept that they are flawed human beings … and they will not slow down, go silent, become humble on their own. They can’t. They are afraid to look inside themselves and so they keep on moving ” always moving from place to place. That’s why they project the arrogant persona ” that they have to look down on us mere mortals. They are better than us, so they believe this and by believing it, they live it
That’s why our prisons were originally constructed. Inprison the trouble makers of society. Take them away from law-abiding citizens who understand that we should live in harmony among each other. To ensure that chaos does not rule supreme. (look what is happening in our world today).
So, they were incarcerated, given the Bible to read on their own, expected to humble themselves on their own (which is the problem of their fear to relinquish this power and control that has always allowed them to survive, hence, the ego continues to rule over them and they refuse to go humble out of fear, giving up the only way they knew how to live … they obviously don’t trust any one or authority figures to allow themselves to let their guard down).
We need to break down their walls that surround each of them. Break them down to their very core of who they are. Then systematically rebuild them from rock bottom back up, so they too can heal themselves (with the help of professionals) to become better, stronger and healthier than they were before their egos took them down the vice path of life.
Peace.
CAn I hear an Amen Sister mary you go girl go right ahead and Dance Halieluyah! 🙂
Indi: Good morning. You’ve got mail.
Peace.
thanks for the coments. yes mine too when he broke up with his las girlfriend, he contacted me bing as nce as pie so you hink thy turnng a new leaf, then when i start making small coments like do you want to speend time with me ? HE backs off and sstarts to act his usua distant nasty self like dont let me think anything is going back to the way we were, also getting arguementative, are they all likethis? also when i say things like i want more than just sex its not enough for me ect ect he just looks at me and says iknow whatever i tell him about my feelings he says i know , what is that suposed to mean, if you say i know then go onto say something else constructive not just i know. hes like a robot. im sure he has at least another girl on the side for sex and probably more. why would i want to share myself with that….. someone said they seem angry they do dont they.
Jules, I really hope that mine does contact me sometime in the future, just not too damn soon though. I know exactly what I want to say to her. I anot going to let her talk if she calls me, I will simply say my piece and then hang up on her. I will not wish any evil on her, I will not wish her any harm, I dont need to, she will bring all that down upon herself anyway. But, when I hang up on her hopefully my words will reverbarate in her ears for as long as possible (probably about 10 seconds with her attention span). I will not be rude, I will not take cheap shots (though, the temptaion is almost overpowering) I will simply state how I feel about her and that there is no room anywher in my life for people like her. I am reserving my life for people who care about others, who are honest, and who do not behave like a 4 year old throwing a temper tantrum. Because of a past business venture we had been planning (oh yeah, and guess who was going have to come up with the money for THAT one? yep, me.) I need certain letters and forms from her. Has she sent them? No. Will she ever? No, probably not. So even still she is able to hurt me, without lifting a finger. And will I ever do anything to her? No, not worth it, I am trying to make myself better than I was before, and thats not the kind of thing I want in me.
These people are just plain out of it. Nothing matters to them except themselves. and yes, they are very very angry inside. And so they take it out on us.
I was sure my X would never show up here again. I kinda wanted him too, but 8 long months and not a sign. Then the only way he could get to me is using the joint acct. for dental care that I opened in my name with his name on the acct. so we could get dental work done. I paid off his part before he left. The rest is mine. And I have been making payments.Well I called the credit co. and asked why the address had been changed to his? Well the asshole called last month and had it changed to his and now for some reason he is primary acct. holder? I tried to explain to the nice lady on the phone what was going on but all I got was a I am sorry. She did change the billing address back to mine and there is no available credit on acct. so I dont worry about him running up the bill. But he did this to have a reason to come to my home. Well all he got was a slammed door in his face. If he wanted to win me back why didnt he try flower? a box of candy? a card? Why mess with my acct? This just confirms too me he is a spath and seeking control and it is a form of harrasment. Oxy you won the farm cause you said he would come back and I told you nope he won’t. He was arrogant and his usual hateful self. I am tempted to get VPO served but I think I am over reacting. Wonder what he will do when I get the bill paid off? He doesn’t want me he just want’s too have power over me….he doesn’t know this or care but this just ended any affection or desire I had to be with him. So it was a good thing for me and bad thing for him – the creep……..
BigDude I had my speech all ready for the day he showed up – but I realized it would be a waste of my time. No Contact is the ONLY power we have. Living a good life is the only revenge. Telling them what we think and how they hurt us gives them the rush they need to get off…… silence is golden……it is the best way we have of letting them know they are not worth pissing on if the were on fire….
Henry, I agree with you. And I thought about that today. I have been left devastated, almost broke (but thats actully improing fairly well now), totaly destroyed, and I almost died. And yet, even as I am right now I am still a better man than she deserved. And whatsmore even now, I am a better man than will EVER deserve. I am going to live well, no matter what she does with her life. You see, I have met somebody else, ME! And damn it, I am going to work on me. And she will NEVER know it. There is a sense of satisfaction in that. As long as she doesnt contact me she will never know how well I am doing.
Dear Henry and BigDude: Congratulations to both of you. I’m so happy to read you two are healing so well.
Keep up that freedom …
Peace.
Well wini, its party due to you and others like you on here that I am even CLOSE to starting to heal. When I felt so alone in the world, when I thought there was no healing from this, I found this site. And the people on it. And then I knew i wasnt alone. I only hope that I give as much as I have received.