Although we think of love as an emotion, it is really more like a drive. Emotions come and go, whereas drives, like love, tend to persist. All emotions are associated with distinct facial expressions, whereas love is not. Love (like all of the basic drives I have discussed in this blog) is difficult to control. Furthermore, the most recent scientific research indicates that all drives, including love, are associated with activation of the brain pathway called the mesolimbic dopamine pathway.
Attraction: the first stage of love
Love, like other drives, is associated with wanting to get something. That something we are talking about here is a partner. The first stage of love, then, involves seeking out a partner. Scientists have called this the attraction phase. It is important for each person to understand how the attraction phase works within himself/herself. There are both conscious and unconscious parts to attraction.
The attraction phase involves the senses, primarily sight and smell. There may be chemicals that activate the brain through smell that we are not consciously aware of. Similarly, we may like the way someone looks and not be sure why. Our conscious mind and unconscious mind may be looking for different things in a partner. The unconscious mind plays a big role in our partner selection process.
It is important to realize that we can be taken over and captivated by attraction. Some of the symptoms of attraction or falling in love are “butterflies in the stomach,” clammy hands and racing heart. These symptoms are direct evidence of the physical nature of the love drive.
There is pleasure associated with getting the objects of our drives. In the brain, this pleasure involves many important chemicals like dopamine and the endorphins. Contact with the lover is also pleasurable because it releases oxytocin. This chemical produces reward by calming us down. (It doesn’t matter that it is the lover’s fault that we need calming.) Oxytocin is a powerful, natural anti-anxiety chemical.
The attraction phase usually lasts no more than 18 months. The reason for this is that it is too consuming. People have to be able to function, and when our energies are over focused on a lover, we aren’t as productive in other areas. Furthermore, the attraction phase has only one purpose. That is to get us hooked. When the pleasure chemicals and anxiety relieving chemicals are released in the brain, a compulsion is formed. That compulsion is to be with the lover. So the love that starts out as pleasure in the company of the lover becomes a compulsion. When the compulsion phase sets in, we feel compelled to stay with our lover no matter what. That is when we know “bonding” has taken place.
So the stages of love basically involve attraction, followed by great pleasure, followed by bonding. I would add a fourth stage, caretaking. Normal people feel an urge to take care of others toward whom they feel bonded.
Sociopaths and love
Ability to love, then, involves attraction, pleasure, bonding and caretaking. How is the sociopath’s experience of love different from what I have described? First, I never met a sociopath who did not do exactly what he/she wanted. I have to conclude from this that the attraction phase operates relatively normally in the sociopath. In fact, many sociopaths hang around only as long as the attraction phase lasts. There is evidence that emotional arousal is abnormal in sociopaths. So I would also assume they experience the pleasures of attraction without the “butterflies.”
It is blatantly obvious that sociopaths do not bond in the usual sense. Their love drive is thus stuck in the attraction gear and they can go no further than attraction. But don’t stop there! As the sociopath experienced the pleasures of his/her latest object of attraction, his/her drive for conquest was also activated.
The sociopath simultaneously experiences pleasure in attraction and pleasure in conquest or power. In other words, although the sociopath cannot form a love bond, he/she can acquire a possession which he/she strongly believes belongs to him/her.
If I enjoy something and I work very hard to get that thing, it is mine! I feel entitled to something I enjoy and work for. That thing also should keep giving me pleasure and satisfaction in order to stay wanted. If a possession is no longer pleasant and appealing to me, I throw it in the garbage. Now, if someone breaks in and tries to steal my possessions, I am angry and feel violated. Does any of this sound familiar?
Unlike the caretaking of the true love bond, the caretaking behavior of sociopaths is only self serving. I take care of my stuff because I have to. If I want people to envy me, I make the outside of my house look good and wax my car. Then people driving by see the great looking house with the new car in the driveway and think I really have it made. My stuff gives me status. If I don’t take care of my stuff, my status goes down.
So again we see that although sociopaths have a rudimentary love drive, in the end their drives are all about power and status. Don’t be fooled by the occasional care taking behavior, it is not motivated by empathy or a true love bond.
Henry:
How did you find out the guy he’s been with since he left you kicked him out?
I ran into an aquaintence that told me he is on his second guy since me…the same guy that claims to have warned me about him – but he warned me after Mike had his hook’s in. A reliable source I think – but hell maybe it was lie too – you know how those queen’s are…….
I decided to have a casual date with my ex-P approximately 6 months after I kicked his sad, sorry ass to the curb! In hindsight, I believe this was a profoundly masochist risk which actually served as a very positive reality check for me. I would not however advise this.
My “P” was grandiose, lacked empathy, saw himself as superior & self-righteous, had more of a need to be right than a need to relate, was a pathological liar, major manipulator, etc. Think Peter Pan crossed with Ted Bundy. My P was not physically abusive, nor did he swindle me out of large chunks of change. He alternated between the roles of Incompetant Child and Psychological/Emotional Predator whose grandiosity was not commensurate with his actual achievements.
During our date, I listed to him talk non-stop about himself for 3.5 hours. The only time he initiated any interest in me or my life was to ask “How are things on (business address)?” How’s that for a capacity for intimacy? Then en-route to a dinner/move, he began haranging his sister for putting her son on a psychotropic drug when “there is absolutely no evidence that these drugs work.” (I am a psychologist…)
At that point, I began to think I had had enough. When he asked about dinner and said he was starving, I told him I was quite full and had had enough! I then set limits about him taking me back home and I would not discuss it, given that he had violated the limits around the date about his behavior. When he continued to harang me, I told him I would not tolerate the disrespect, and got out of the car. I would have walked home, hitchhiked, called a cab, but ultimately ended up taking a bus! I did not care — just wanted to send him a message about my urgent desperation to get away from him.
Now, he never called to see if I had made it home OK. I did receive a email several days after the fact, and I just said “You don’t get it…..” with the same logical fallicies he would use with me “straw man argument, etc.” I also found a loud “WHAT” with no elaboration to be effective.
Yes, I too suffered from the Fantasy/Delusion that he could and would get it, apologize, own his behavior and then want to change. NOT! Once a P, always a P. I need to stop projecting the fantasy of normalcy onto this morally corrupt, bankrupt stranger.
What is most disturbing/interesting about this dude is his professed Christianity and allegiance to God. It amazes me that he can manipulate the Word to God to justify and rationalize ongoing bad behavior: “we’re all sinners.” Unbelieveable. Even though I do not consider myself a Christian, I do have Christian values and I am convinced that if there were an MMPI or Millon measuring Satanopathy, my ex would be off the charts? How about the rest of you? Ever thought of your P as Luciferous or the Devil Incarnate?
Last thought….I wonder who I went on the date as. I was wearing a wig………………….hmmmmm??????
OK Psych: Your post will reinforce the fact should i ever ever think of hooking up with the ex again, nothing will change.
You should read my past posts about Christianity. Mine is a master. Even the devil can quote scripture. He stays up late and watches the Trinity Broadcasting Network. He used the Bible to demean me. Told me I shouldn’t cut my hair because it’s a woman’s veil. He would get crazy anytime I would go to the salon. He said it’s in the Bible that the woman is to submit to man. He used that one to dominate, control, abuse me sexually, physically & emotionally. He constantly walked out of the house arguing about my clothes. I dress fairly conservatively but he would say it is in the Bible that if a man looks at a woman with lust he’s committed a sin. So, he didn’t want me to wear makeup or nice clothes to attract any attention. Now that is evil. Funny. I refer to him as the Devil Incarnate.
You are a psychologist. In your profession you must meet all kinds. I do believe in God and do believe Satan does exist. I’m not kidding when I tell you I feel my ex is the devil himself or is possessed by demons. The Bible speaks of Jesus casting out demons in mentally ill people. There has to be a link. It can’t all be due sociopaths having different brain matter. I’m so stumped.
I’ve seen my ex go off into a stare like within his own my thinking about something. Then he’d turn his head toward me and ask bizarre questions. Like one day we were taking a road trip to Niagra Falls. In the car he had one of those episodes. He turned to me and out of the blue said, “are you the kind of woman who turns her head to see if a guy is looking at her??” I said, “what??” I had no clue where that came from. I looked at him like he was nuts and said “what are you talking about.” He wouldn’t let up. He went on, “NO! Really. I WANT TO KNOW! Is that the kind of woman you are?”” Mind you, we’d been together for 1 1/2 years by then. There were many of these episodes. Sometimes we’d be sleeping in bed and he’d spring up and ask something bizarre that ensued into a fight. Possessed I tell you. He didn’t look himself when this happened. It didn’t even seem like it was him speaking. Scarey.
yes!!! he was evil – when he slept he looked abnormal like a tortured demon – I can remember hiding my wallet – checkbook – I slept with a gun many nites – I felt the Evil – i could see it in his charles manson eyes – he cast a spell on me,….
Henry
I would go ahead and get it prepared and If He shows have it sitting right there at the door! I had an injuction! an Emergency Injunction Granted and only after it was given to the sherifs off. was I taken seriously both the sherifs off. and the city police had shown up at my place but I was in jail because I had to leave my own place because he was getting mail at my address?? He had been there long enough and they would’nt help me till they where ordered to do so! I am sure this is why he left because the cops did a search of my place to see if he had killed me and was still hanging out because he had no other place to go ! I had shut the power off and the water and removed all food and paper products ! he had to use a tee shirt to whipe his you know what . I had spiked the food I left in the frig with mineral oil but since there was no power he did not get my treat for him! he fled to the next county and they would’nt find him ! They just don’t have time for these domestic violence cases and thats why they skate the law and people get killed! The sherifs office was trying to serve the Injunction but once he left they quit looking all he had to do was not answer the door!
Henry I don’t think he wants to bother with you because you already showed that you were’nt putting up w/any more of his shit! He might come back but only to see if you might cave again and only if he has no other alternative! LOVE YOU BUDDY! If ever you want to get away for a while you are allways welcome here in Orlando! I know you will like the fire and the cookouts and the woods and the Springs! I hope you like to swim we can Usually swim untill Christmass here ! Dont worry about Him he is only trying to survive and you showed Him He needs to look for a New Daddy! You are Strong now and Determined not to step backwards even one step ! The Fire is going in the back yard and I have a sleeper sofa and a king size bed But I do Snore:)~ Peace My Bud!
That’s the big problem with domestic violence. Several time’s I came close to calling the police but I knew we would both be thrown in jail. Specially here in oklahomophobia….and he would of taken a brick and smashed his face in to make me look like the guilty one… He is a con artist – a great actor. Fortunatly enough people know of his action’s that if I had to have a witness I know several that would be in line. But Jere I agree with you – I think this was his last attempt. Showing them no emotion at all is what stop’s them. He would of loved for me to have confronted him. He would of taken it as a threat and P’s don’t like threat’s. So I did what one of the other blogger’s did (who was it?) I looked at him like a potted plant and shut the door. I have wanted too see him – I have even hoped for it – not sure what it was that I wanted from him – but now I know why – he doesn’t realize it but when he showed up with that dental bill – HE brought closure for me – yes presseject and jen and oxy – I have closure I can feel it in my bone’s – jere thanks for the invite – I mite just take you up on that some day I have never been to florida -thanks Jere
Now Rhett, I mean Henry: Frankly, Scarlette, I mean EX, I don’t give a … BLANK.
Good for you … life is their stage…. and we, their captive audience!
Peace.
I wonder if that’s why I was always making microwave popcorn at work? … having a feeling I was in a movie all day, and all the actors/actresses around me … pushing and shoving to be center stage!
Peace.
were you scarlett or miss pitty pat?