Although we think of love as an emotion, it is really more like a drive. Emotions come and go, whereas drives, like love, tend to persist. All emotions are associated with distinct facial expressions, whereas love is not. Love (like all of the basic drives I have discussed in this blog) is difficult to control. Furthermore, the most recent scientific research indicates that all drives, including love, are associated with activation of the brain pathway called the mesolimbic dopamine pathway.
Attraction: the first stage of love
Love, like other drives, is associated with wanting to get something. That something we are talking about here is a partner. The first stage of love, then, involves seeking out a partner. Scientists have called this the attraction phase. It is important for each person to understand how the attraction phase works within himself/herself. There are both conscious and unconscious parts to attraction.
The attraction phase involves the senses, primarily sight and smell. There may be chemicals that activate the brain through smell that we are not consciously aware of. Similarly, we may like the way someone looks and not be sure why. Our conscious mind and unconscious mind may be looking for different things in a partner. The unconscious mind plays a big role in our partner selection process.
It is important to realize that we can be taken over and captivated by attraction. Some of the symptoms of attraction or falling in love are “butterflies in the stomach,” clammy hands and racing heart. These symptoms are direct evidence of the physical nature of the love drive.
There is pleasure associated with getting the objects of our drives. In the brain, this pleasure involves many important chemicals like dopamine and the endorphins. Contact with the lover is also pleasurable because it releases oxytocin. This chemical produces reward by calming us down. (It doesn’t matter that it is the lover’s fault that we need calming.) Oxytocin is a powerful, natural anti-anxiety chemical.
The attraction phase usually lasts no more than 18 months. The reason for this is that it is too consuming. People have to be able to function, and when our energies are over focused on a lover, we aren’t as productive in other areas. Furthermore, the attraction phase has only one purpose. That is to get us hooked. When the pleasure chemicals and anxiety relieving chemicals are released in the brain, a compulsion is formed. That compulsion is to be with the lover. So the love that starts out as pleasure in the company of the lover becomes a compulsion. When the compulsion phase sets in, we feel compelled to stay with our lover no matter what. That is when we know “bonding” has taken place.
So the stages of love basically involve attraction, followed by great pleasure, followed by bonding. I would add a fourth stage, caretaking. Normal people feel an urge to take care of others toward whom they feel bonded.
Sociopaths and love
Ability to love, then, involves attraction, pleasure, bonding and caretaking. How is the sociopath’s experience of love different from what I have described? First, I never met a sociopath who did not do exactly what he/she wanted. I have to conclude from this that the attraction phase operates relatively normally in the sociopath. In fact, many sociopaths hang around only as long as the attraction phase lasts. There is evidence that emotional arousal is abnormal in sociopaths. So I would also assume they experience the pleasures of attraction without the “butterflies.”
It is blatantly obvious that sociopaths do not bond in the usual sense. Their love drive is thus stuck in the attraction gear and they can go no further than attraction. But don’t stop there! As the sociopath experienced the pleasures of his/her latest object of attraction, his/her drive for conquest was also activated.
The sociopath simultaneously experiences pleasure in attraction and pleasure in conquest or power. In other words, although the sociopath cannot form a love bond, he/she can acquire a possession which he/she strongly believes belongs to him/her.
If I enjoy something and I work very hard to get that thing, it is mine! I feel entitled to something I enjoy and work for. That thing also should keep giving me pleasure and satisfaction in order to stay wanted. If a possession is no longer pleasant and appealing to me, I throw it in the garbage. Now, if someone breaks in and tries to steal my possessions, I am angry and feel violated. Does any of this sound familiar?
Unlike the caretaking of the true love bond, the caretaking behavior of sociopaths is only self serving. I take care of my stuff because I have to. If I want people to envy me, I make the outside of my house look good and wax my car. Then people driving by see the great looking house with the new car in the driveway and think I really have it made. My stuff gives me status. If I don’t take care of my stuff, my status goes down.
So again we see that although sociopaths have a rudimentary love drive, in the end their drives are all about power and status. Don’t be fooled by the occasional care taking behavior, it is not motivated by empathy or a true love bond.
BOO you are up late WINI
Henry: The kittens are having a field day … running around the house, playing, playing, playing.
Then came the big CRASH … and I was cleaning up the broken glass from one of my vases they broke.
Don’t want any little furry paws stepping on broken glass.
Peace.
Henry, I chose Melanie.
Psyceintact said: “When he continued to harang me, I told him I would not tolerate the disrespect, and got out of the car. I would have walked home, hitchhiked, called a cab, but ultimately ended up taking a bus!….How about the rest of you? Ever thought of your P as Luciferous or the Devil Incarnate?”
Mine left me in a bar one night about 25 miles from where we lived, making a nasty scene involving half the bar when doing it–including loudly proclaiming that I was a lesbian and only wanted to stay because I wanted to f*** this woman (whom I didn’t even know and hadn’t even spoke a single word to). The woman about died, and so did I. No bus system, 3 bucks to my name as I had loaned him all the other money I had earlier in the day when we were out and about. No family, friends in the area, or anyone I knew well enough to call at that hour to come get me and I did not know a single person in the bar. Nor did I have any keys to even get in the house if I made it home. The reason:: He wanted to leave and go to another bar, but someone told him he had drank too much to even DRIVE and I wanted him to stop drinking and sober up before driving a motorcyle, and so did the rest of the bar, including the bartender who all told him he was too drunk to drive. His stance forever more never changed that “I” had disrepected HIM and humiliated him by refusing to ride on the bike and because of it I “deserved” to be left in another town with no way home. I could never get him to understand my position, nor could he understand why i was even upset that he bellowed out in a room full of people that I was a lesbian. Per him, it was all MY fault and I deserved it. Actually that was one of the “nicer” bad things he did to me before it was all over.
So yeah, I definitely think my ex was a disciple of Lucifer or he maybe even be Lucifer himself.
Jen2008: You just reminded me of an incident that happened on beautiful sunny summer day. My sister and her boyfriend made plans with my husband an I to go aboard his boss’s yacht.
We were suppose to be at the dock at a certain sail off time.
Well, my husband dragged his butt all morning … the rest of us were ready to go … but had to wait for him, finish up whatever he was doing.
Long story short … we finally get down to the dock … and the yacht sailed off … hey,we were only an hour late (go figure?)…
We decided to enjoy our day at the beach, because we were already down there. My husband and I in our car, following my sister and her boyfriend in her car.
My husband decides he’s going to blame me for being late. I, on the other hand was not going to accept his blame … and of course, we had an exchange of words … next thing I know, I’m out of the car … and my husband takes off.
Of course, my sister and her boyfriend, turn their car around and come and pick me up. My sister of course, makes us wait for over a half hour for my husband to cool off and return to where he left me in the road.
I, of course kept saying, it’s a beautiful day for the beach, let’s go, we are wasting sunshine here folks.
No, no, no .. my sister makes me wait for my husband to drive back.
So we wasted at least another 45 minutes … he didn’t show … we went to the beach.
We spent the day soaking up the sun, swimming, body surfing in the waves, got a bite to eat … and at the end of the day … they drove me home.
When we drove into the driveway … my husband painted a huge sign and left it on the front porch … the sign was about 8 ft long by 5 ft high which read … MY WIFE IS A BITCH!
Talk about getting your point across.
All 3 of us went into the house, where my husband was sitting in his favorite chair at the dinning room table.
He ranted and raved about how he cooled off, went back to where he dropped me off … we weren’t there … he then went down the street to the beach and couldn’t find us … blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
I didn’t buy any of that. Why? My sister’s boyfriends care was that awful ugly loud blue ‘Italian Blue” … we parked it at the end of the parking lot to the beach … you couldn’t miss it … it stuck out like a sore thumb … we then sat right at the beginning of the entrance to the beach … anyone walking onto the beach that day, couldn’t miss us …
It all comes down to theatrics … and I was not going to have any of it.
P.S. The sign stayed up for over a week until the nuns that lived next door to us … asked if they could have the wood for their soup kitchen in town … it was the right size to fix a whole in the floor.
Peace.
You know, it’s too bad all those people that he was always turning on the charm for and were always telling me how “sweet” and “thoughtful” he was couldn’t have been at that bar that night. 🙁
Oh well, Wini, at least you got to spend a nice day at the beach and the nuns got to have a “My Wife is a Bitch” sign–lol lol lol— to repair their floor. I have to ask, what was the nuns reaction to the sign?
Jen2008: Four nuns lived next door to us. I never saw them in their habits, until a cardinal died and they all came in their best to show respect for the man … his funeral was held in the church directly across the street from us.
They wore jeans and T-shirts every day … looked like everyone else.
They never made judgments on anyone … just showed you love all the time.
I remember a week after we married. I was taking a bubble bath in our old cast iron ball and claw bath tub. I was thoroughly enjoying my bubble bath. My husband came into the bathroom, chatting with me for over an hour .. sitting in the chair in the room. He could see the nuns in the garden planting their seeds for their vegetable garden (remember, I told you they worked the soup kitchen … home made soups, right from their garden at the end of the season).
All of a sudden, my husbands starts shouting really loud … IF YOU DON’T STOP, I’LL NEVER MARRY YOU …
Warped speed … he had the greatest sense of humor … besides, everyone in town knew everything about me from the time my husband announced our engagement … the nuns just smiled … they lived next door to him for years, I don’t think they ever took him seriously.
Peace.
This is a coincidence. Where I live now, 2 priests live directly across the street from me.
Peace … God gives me the nicest neighbors.
I guess some of you know that I maintain a blog on myspace (Oh yeah Indigo, Love ya!! ) and I use it as a form of therapy for myself. I just wanted to share something from it with you. I dont know if it will help anybody, but it helped me to write it.
I got my hair cut again today, every 5 or 6 weeks I will be going in for a trim. It was enervating. Once again, my stylist insulted me, lowered my ego to ground level, all of the things that I love her for. In some ways it really is therapeutic. Afterwards, I walked down to the Starbucks to grab a cup of coffee, and to remind myself how truly piss poor their coffee really is. Taking my red, white, and green cup (it is almost Christmas season) I wandered down to the river. We have been having heavy rains lately so the river is up, the ducks and swans paddling furiously against the current, yet barely able to maintain their position in it, let alone make any headway.
I stood by the river and pondered. Pondering is different from thinking, pondering doesn’t require as much work, and I just wasn’t in the mood to do any work. So, I stood and pondered about myself.
I know that my ex never reads my blog’s, she will never look back, so I don’t have to worry about her. Even if she does read them I don’t care, they are not for her. Firstly, they are for me, a way to safely and sanely (well, maybe) express my thoughts, my feelings, and what I am doing in a manner that harms nobody. Secondly, it appears that others have been helped, I am glad of that result, even though it wasn’t the intended one.
On the night my ex soc discarded me I asked her to at least try one more time. Her answer was an immediate “No”. From the second she said that I knew that I never wanted her back in my life in the role that she had previously filled. Afterwards, I extended my hand in friendship. I was lucky to come away with my fingers intact she bit at me so furiously. On that last night, in a drunken stupor I had called her a name. It wasn’t actually that bad a name considering the others that were floating around in my head. But, it hurt her. I apologized later in an e-mail, a sincere one. I also did something, and as soon as I did I regretted it. It was a cheap shot and I am usually better than that, but I did it. Heck, she even TOLD me to go ahead and do it. You never EVER tell a drunk angry hurt man to go ahead and do something, because is gonna go ahead and do it!!!! This is another reason why whiskey is banned from my life. I can only thank my lucky stars that I didn’t have any Tequila in the house (also banned, regretfully, from my life). Anyway, I apologized for this also, because I knew it was wrong. Did my apology matter? Probably not, and you know something? I don’t care. I honestly truly don’t give a rat’s ass. I know that her life has been richer by being with me. She has seen and done things that most people never even dream of. I shared it with her, and gave it to her because I loved her at that time. And I am glad that was able to do those things with and for the woman i loved. No regrets there.
While pondering by the river a thought wandered into my mind, and I paid attention, that type of occurrence happening so infrequently. I realized that in all honesty, after what she had done to me, she had gotten off remarkably lightly. I could have flown to her and confronted her face to face, the funds were available, but I chose not to. I chose not to put myself in a position where I may do something else that I would later regret. As I look back I still feel that this was the correct choice. The only sane choice to make. Thats because I have the ability to look back into parts of my life and recognize a bad choice from a good choice.
I also pondered about the way I am right now. As I stand here, warts and all (well, moles really, I am pretty much wart free) damaged, broken, clawing desperately to learn how to cope, and how to heal what is left. I realized something else then. My ex will never ever know how much better off I am without her in my life. She will never look back, she will never come back, she will wander blindly onwards, never really being aware of what she does. And that’s okay. She is what she is, so there it is. I am improving each day. Yes, each day is still a struggle, and it will be for a very very long time, but I made it through yesterday so I might be able to make it through today, we will have to see.
And what did I really do to her? I forgave her. Absolution. Unconditional. She will never understand this concept, they never do, but she has it. I have made her a promise that if she is ever in a really tough spot she can come to me for help, only once though, then that door is closed to her. It is a genuine promise, made for the sake and the memory of the woman that I loved. She will never keep me to that promise, I already know that, so I don’t really have to worry there, but I mean what I say, its there if she ever needs it. And in doing that I have waved her onwards, wishing her the best, but sadly, I know what lies ahead for her. She doesn’t, but it is her life, she has made her choices. And there is no going back. Now, I have finally found someone that I truly want to spend the rest of my life with. It is me. I know now that I have to learn to trust myself first, above all others. It has been a hard and painful lesson to learn. But I have learnt it. She will never learn it, they simply are not able to learn anything. They see no need to.
I have waved her goodbye, buried my “wife”, and I hope and pray that who this woman has become never ever enters my life again, in any way shape or form. I will not get the letter I need from her, but that’s okay. I will not allow her to determine how I feel anymore. And besides, I really really don’t want her seeing how well I am doing without her, how much better I am.
“Live well, Live better without them in your life than you ever could have with them in it.”
Those are words to live by.
Oh yeah, there was also something I learned, but it was something I already knew anyway. Starbuck’s coffee really DOES taste like pee.