Although we think of love as an emotion, it is really more like a drive. Emotions come and go, whereas drives, like love, tend to persist. All emotions are associated with distinct facial expressions, whereas love is not. Love (like all of the basic drives I have discussed in this blog) is difficult to control. Furthermore, the most recent scientific research indicates that all drives, including love, are associated with activation of the brain pathway called the mesolimbic dopamine pathway.
Attraction: the first stage of love
Love, like other drives, is associated with wanting to get something. That something we are talking about here is a partner. The first stage of love, then, involves seeking out a partner. Scientists have called this the attraction phase. It is important for each person to understand how the attraction phase works within himself/herself. There are both conscious and unconscious parts to attraction.
The attraction phase involves the senses, primarily sight and smell. There may be chemicals that activate the brain through smell that we are not consciously aware of. Similarly, we may like the way someone looks and not be sure why. Our conscious mind and unconscious mind may be looking for different things in a partner. The unconscious mind plays a big role in our partner selection process.
It is important to realize that we can be taken over and captivated by attraction. Some of the symptoms of attraction or falling in love are “butterflies in the stomach,” clammy hands and racing heart. These symptoms are direct evidence of the physical nature of the love drive.
There is pleasure associated with getting the objects of our drives. In the brain, this pleasure involves many important chemicals like dopamine and the endorphins. Contact with the lover is also pleasurable because it releases oxytocin. This chemical produces reward by calming us down. (It doesn’t matter that it is the lover’s fault that we need calming.) Oxytocin is a powerful, natural anti-anxiety chemical.
The attraction phase usually lasts no more than 18 months. The reason for this is that it is too consuming. People have to be able to function, and when our energies are over focused on a lover, we aren’t as productive in other areas. Furthermore, the attraction phase has only one purpose. That is to get us hooked. When the pleasure chemicals and anxiety relieving chemicals are released in the brain, a compulsion is formed. That compulsion is to be with the lover. So the love that starts out as pleasure in the company of the lover becomes a compulsion. When the compulsion phase sets in, we feel compelled to stay with our lover no matter what. That is when we know “bonding” has taken place.
So the stages of love basically involve attraction, followed by great pleasure, followed by bonding. I would add a fourth stage, caretaking. Normal people feel an urge to take care of others toward whom they feel bonded.
Sociopaths and love
Ability to love, then, involves attraction, pleasure, bonding and caretaking. How is the sociopath’s experience of love different from what I have described? First, I never met a sociopath who did not do exactly what he/she wanted. I have to conclude from this that the attraction phase operates relatively normally in the sociopath. In fact, many sociopaths hang around only as long as the attraction phase lasts. There is evidence that emotional arousal is abnormal in sociopaths. So I would also assume they experience the pleasures of attraction without the “butterflies.”
It is blatantly obvious that sociopaths do not bond in the usual sense. Their love drive is thus stuck in the attraction gear and they can go no further than attraction. But don’t stop there! As the sociopath experienced the pleasures of his/her latest object of attraction, his/her drive for conquest was also activated.
The sociopath simultaneously experiences pleasure in attraction and pleasure in conquest or power. In other words, although the sociopath cannot form a love bond, he/she can acquire a possession which he/she strongly believes belongs to him/her.
If I enjoy something and I work very hard to get that thing, it is mine! I feel entitled to something I enjoy and work for. That thing also should keep giving me pleasure and satisfaction in order to stay wanted. If a possession is no longer pleasant and appealing to me, I throw it in the garbage. Now, if someone breaks in and tries to steal my possessions, I am angry and feel violated. Does any of this sound familiar?
Unlike the caretaking of the true love bond, the caretaking behavior of sociopaths is only self serving. I take care of my stuff because I have to. If I want people to envy me, I make the outside of my house look good and wax my car. Then people driving by see the great looking house with the new car in the driveway and think I really have it made. My stuff gives me status. If I don’t take care of my stuff, my status goes down.
So again we see that although sociopaths have a rudimentary love drive, in the end their drives are all about power and status. Don’t be fooled by the occasional care taking behavior, it is not motivated by empathy or a true love bond.
Freebird,
I have given a lot of thought to the bonding that takes place (or should take place anyway) with a man and a woman having sex (and possibly conceiving a child) in the biological sense.
Some animals “bond” for a season or a lifetime after they have sex. Geese, wolves, etc and mutually care for their offspring. Humans, I think, have some of this “bonding” chemicall reaction with sex, I think it is more for the female than the male though, as history seems to prove that men can “bond” with more than one woman in some cultures and these actually seem to work in that environment. I’m no anthropologist but have been around several “primitive” cultures in my world traveling and seen various cultures that had mutliple wives in bonded relationships that seemed on the surface at least to work.
There is also some research that shows that men are sexually attracted to women in the child bearing years more than women over child bearing age, etc. Healthy appearing women vs ones that are not healthy etc. It makes sense biologically that a woman would bond strongly to the man she was having sex with, in an effort to keep him around to hunt for her and any children she had, and it makes sense a man would care for the women who might bear his children in an evolutionary logic. A man could hunt and provide for more than one woman, which would increase his chances of passing on his genes. Also, with war, there might actually be a shortage of healthy males vs healthy females so multiple wives would also make sense in that instance.
If you read early history, the one man one woman concept was mostly the way it was except for mostly the ruling elite who had many wives and concubines especially in middle eastern and eastern cultures. In some the married women must remain faithful but the man was not expected to. There were greater penalties for women who cheated than there were for men who did.
With the spread of “western” civilization the one-man-one-woman custom for life seems now to be “one woman, one man AT A TIME” since divorce is now accepted in much of the western world and women have gained some autonomy over their own sexuality as well, and are no longer just “bearers of children.”
The changes in customs and legal expecations though have not done away with the biological bonding that still takes place with humans though, and that gives the Ps a chance to take advantage of us. I’m like you–sexual bonding will not take place until I am pretty doggone sure that the relationship is solid and if the man isn’t interested in “waiting”–he can move on down the line.
This was an extremely illuminating post — it actually answers a couple of questions I had about some some seemingly counter-indicative behaviors. My ex-girlfriend self-identified as a sociopath. In fact, on the first night we met — though I really had no idea of the gravity of what she was saying — she told me that she was fairly certain she was incapable of love. She did cite an exception, though — her twin sister (fraternal). Also, though virtually everything else I observed about her was consistent with antisocial behavior (e.g. massive manipulations, including having several “sugar daddies — she’s an attractive, charismatic type), she also claimed (and to some extent, displayed) a genuine love for animals. I wonder if this post doesn’t at least explain the abilitiy to care for animals, with its recognition of the power subordination of the pet. Any thoughts on her relationship to her sister, though?
Dear Whatremains,
First off, welcome to this healing place.
My take (for what it is worth) on her “love”for her twin sister I think is along the lines of the “owing” the twin sister, as a possession rather than a genuine love bond.
The word “love” has many uses in English, and only one word. Like “I love Ice cream” or “I love my child” or “I love my husband” –all are different emotions, yet the same word.
Plus the sociopath can say the words “I love my child” and yet not equate “loving” with feeding the child or providing for that child. I think many times they use the word “love” to mean “I own” rather than the emotions that WE connect with the word “Love.” As Dr.Robert Hare stated so aptly, “they can learn the words but can’t learn the tune.”
Thank you whateremains for binging this essay back up, it is really a good one.
Another post that is spot-on. My ex-P was also very amorous and attentive initially but that quickly faded away. Towards the end we hardly ever touched and there was little affection of any kind coming from him. He’d got what he wanted from me and was getting ready to discard me.
Even after he’d already married someone else (without my knowledge, I thought we were still together) he would still pretend to be jealous of any man who paid me attention. Reading this post makes me wonder if all of that wasn’t because he still considered me to be his possession.
One of the hardest things for me to deal with is that there isn’t anything in our relationship that I can hold onto as being real and genuine. I’ve been in relationships that ended badly but at least I still had good memories to hold on to – memories of loving, fun moments that were very real and genuine. With this relationship everything was a lie. There are no memories I can evoke that will bring me comfort. Instead, every memory is a reminder of the big lie.
Odette,
Your last paragraph is so true!.. and we all here know that same confusion/hurt….
I did more with my socio in one year, then in all of the sixteen years I was with my late wife….
Trips (Two in the Carribean, three to varous places here in the states), parties, weddings, concerts, sports events, weekend get-aways, romantic dinners, the opera, the ballet, shopping sprees, movies……..
Every weekend was cramed with activities, and there were 100’s of pictures taken in that year…..
With all of those memories of togetherness, fun, and adventure, it is so sobering that none of it was real… none of them are comforting to me either… in fact, it causes me great pain to think that none of my efforts to have a fun, fulfilling life with her, meant anything to her, and I’m positive that she never thinks about any of those things we did, let alone with any fondness…. it was about her being “entertained”……
Of course all of that was on my dime…..sigh.
After she discarded me a couple of years ago, I threw out or deleted all those pictures….. pictures of what seemed to be a loving, happy couple… smiling, happy, in love.
One of the last things she ever said to me was that she wasn’t happy in our relationship…. I remembered thinking at the time, gee, how could anybody not be happy with all the thoughtful and wonderful things I provided to her????.. That was before I knew what she was…. Of course I know now that she never wanted to be happy, and that it was all a lie….
Of all the twistedness of a sociopath’s behaviour, the ability to fake love, and create a the illusion of complete togetherness, along with those endearing memories….. that ranks up there among the other hurts that we could see and feel at the time…..Like you said, “every memory is a reminder of the big lie.”
Dear Southernman, There are genuine women out there who would give their eye teeth to be go to all those places (not mentioning any names! LOL) and who would be very grateful. You deserve much more wholesome company. Such a waste of energy on those who couldnt care less.
Yes Oxy, Just reading your post on bonding. From what I read, on an esoteric level, ALOT takes places when physical bonding takes place. Its like, you absorb that person into your blood stream and psyche. I dont know what the echo affects are with regards to the person’s family script, but there are probably repercussions there also.
Bev, the Bible says that “the two become one flesh” during the sexual act. I have found many of the explinations in the Bible to be so “right on” about the psychology of life and I think this is one that is true—for NORMAL PEOPLE—people who CAN bond.
While some women may have a more intense “bond” with men than some men have with women, I think that without the maternal bonding to the father, fewer children would be successfully raised (looking at it from ONLY a biological and evolutionary aspect) but from a spiritual aspect, that pair bonding is going to make for a much more successful life for all involved, for both the man and woman and any offspring.
Ah, Southernman, how I long to ask you out. lol. Sorry, just feel bad knowing there are decent lovable men out there hurting, while I am here lonely or dating some evil twit.
Well guys, I feel a little better today, thank you for all your support. Had a sleepless night but my son in Washington State kept me company by phone for a few hours, one of his favorite things to do and a luxury I rarely indulge him with lol.
I was really surprised to find another message from my ex bf saying “you have nothing nice to say to me”. I regret to say I did fire off a comeback to the effect of “correction, I have nothing at ALL to say to you”. I am waiting a couple of days for him to get back to me on my belongings I left by accident in his car a month ago or so and the money he promised to pay me back. But if he doesn’t get back to me right away on it, I will block him. I really hate having that connection open to him, now that I know it’s there. I was so relieved when I got him and his new gf blocked from communicating with me in most other ways. After I block his SN he will only be able to get me by phone, and I have caller id.
Feeling like “almost-free” today.
Well Kat and Oxy…..
I learned a lot of good things from all of this with the socio… things I’ll take into the next relationship…. I try not to be bitter about all the money and effort I gave to her… you girls would cringe if you knew about all the nice things I did for her…..like going to Godivia, and having them hand pack a box of her favorite chocholate, and then place the box in my carry on, only to give it to her on the plane so she’d have a nice treat during our flight to one of our destinations…(I did this everytime we went on a trip)….yeah.. I know.. it makes me sick now… lol… or, waking up and making her coffee and bringing to her while she is waking up, and then going outside and warming her car up and scapping her windows, so her car was nice and toasty warm for her when she left to go to work…., or even just making her homemade cookies…… those are just a couple of the hundreads of things I liked to do… I got pleasure from doing for her because I loved her…..well… I look back on all of that, and I’m proud of myself…. I nurtured, and cared and LOVED….. she never did and never will… so sad for her…smiles…
One of the biggest lessons I learned from all of this is decernment….. measuring what we give with what we recieve.. yes, I’m a giver, and always will be.. but, I have wisdom in that now….again, I am proud of the fact that I can love deeply and truly, without agenda……. I will be much wiser next time, and I can still love and trust… I just will be more careful, and go slower and really get to know the person before I allow any hooks to become attached to my heart….. I have met a few crazy’s since my socio, and I was able to spot them a mile away, and promptly rid myself of them……….so, it’s all good…. we live and we learn, and some of us have hadto learn some painful lessons about the world and the people in it, and we have also had to learn some painful things about ourselves, not that we were or are bad, but lessons about why we were drawn to these types of people, and/or toxic relationships. I’ll never say that I’m glad I met her and went through the hell of it all, but since I did, and I can’t undo that, then I must learn from it and grow as a person, and in that growth, we become even better at being a healthy relationship.