Although we think of love as an emotion, it is really more like a drive. Emotions come and go, whereas drives, like love, tend to persist. All emotions are associated with distinct facial expressions, whereas love is not. Love (like all of the basic drives I have discussed in this blog) is difficult to control. Furthermore, the most recent scientific research indicates that all drives, including love, are associated with activation of the brain pathway called the mesolimbic dopamine pathway.
Attraction: the first stage of love
Love, like other drives, is associated with wanting to get something. That something we are talking about here is a partner. The first stage of love, then, involves seeking out a partner. Scientists have called this the attraction phase. It is important for each person to understand how the attraction phase works within himself/herself. There are both conscious and unconscious parts to attraction.
The attraction phase involves the senses, primarily sight and smell. There may be chemicals that activate the brain through smell that we are not consciously aware of. Similarly, we may like the way someone looks and not be sure why. Our conscious mind and unconscious mind may be looking for different things in a partner. The unconscious mind plays a big role in our partner selection process.
It is important to realize that we can be taken over and captivated by attraction. Some of the symptoms of attraction or falling in love are “butterflies in the stomach,” clammy hands and racing heart. These symptoms are direct evidence of the physical nature of the love drive.
There is pleasure associated with getting the objects of our drives. In the brain, this pleasure involves many important chemicals like dopamine and the endorphins. Contact with the lover is also pleasurable because it releases oxytocin. This chemical produces reward by calming us down. (It doesn’t matter that it is the lover’s fault that we need calming.) Oxytocin is a powerful, natural anti-anxiety chemical.
The attraction phase usually lasts no more than 18 months. The reason for this is that it is too consuming. People have to be able to function, and when our energies are over focused on a lover, we aren’t as productive in other areas. Furthermore, the attraction phase has only one purpose. That is to get us hooked. When the pleasure chemicals and anxiety relieving chemicals are released in the brain, a compulsion is formed. That compulsion is to be with the lover. So the love that starts out as pleasure in the company of the lover becomes a compulsion. When the compulsion phase sets in, we feel compelled to stay with our lover no matter what. That is when we know “bonding” has taken place.
So the stages of love basically involve attraction, followed by great pleasure, followed by bonding. I would add a fourth stage, caretaking. Normal people feel an urge to take care of others toward whom they feel bonded.
Sociopaths and love
Ability to love, then, involves attraction, pleasure, bonding and caretaking. How is the sociopath’s experience of love different from what I have described? First, I never met a sociopath who did not do exactly what he/she wanted. I have to conclude from this that the attraction phase operates relatively normally in the sociopath. In fact, many sociopaths hang around only as long as the attraction phase lasts. There is evidence that emotional arousal is abnormal in sociopaths. So I would also assume they experience the pleasures of attraction without the “butterflies.”
It is blatantly obvious that sociopaths do not bond in the usual sense. Their love drive is thus stuck in the attraction gear and they can go no further than attraction. But don’t stop there! As the sociopath experienced the pleasures of his/her latest object of attraction, his/her drive for conquest was also activated.
The sociopath simultaneously experiences pleasure in attraction and pleasure in conquest or power. In other words, although the sociopath cannot form a love bond, he/she can acquire a possession which he/she strongly believes belongs to him/her.
If I enjoy something and I work very hard to get that thing, it is mine! I feel entitled to something I enjoy and work for. That thing also should keep giving me pleasure and satisfaction in order to stay wanted. If a possession is no longer pleasant and appealing to me, I throw it in the garbage. Now, if someone breaks in and tries to steal my possessions, I am angry and feel violated. Does any of this sound familiar?
Unlike the caretaking of the true love bond, the caretaking behavior of sociopaths is only self serving. I take care of my stuff because I have to. If I want people to envy me, I make the outside of my house look good and wax my car. Then people driving by see the great looking house with the new car in the driveway and think I really have it made. My stuff gives me status. If I don’t take care of my stuff, my status goes down.
So again we see that although sociopaths have a rudimentary love drive, in the end their drives are all about power and status. Don’t be fooled by the occasional care taking behavior, it is not motivated by empathy or a true love bond.
I’m confused. Does the spath really feel attraction to the other person?
I met my Spath online … “back in the day” before dating sites. The only news stories you heard about people meeting online were those where someone set up a meeting and later one of them was found dead.
I was not looking for a significant other when I met my Spath, and he claimed the same. But looking back, I think he was looking for a victim. I think he was looking for someone with a good income to support him and to help care for his teenage son.
After my first divorce, I put myself through LPN school. I made a decent income, had a brand new car, a brand new computer, and had just begun my “online experiences”. I was naive.
I was honest online and didn’t hide anything about myself.
Although the first year with him was blissful for me … I distinctly remember him trying to tone down my physical desires toward him.
Later in the marriage, I often felt that, to him, I was only a paycheck. He rationalized staying home so our children wouldn’t have to be in daycare. I now believe that he was simply lazy. As though his only goal was to find some stupid idiot to work a lot of overtime so he could sit on around for years and do nothing. When the kids started school, he did work, but always for cash under the table … and his working relationship with those that hired him always went sour in a hurry. He often worked only a couple of hours a day, but billed his employers for an entire 8 hours. They were not there … so of course they didn’t really know how long he worked.
Looking back, I honestly doubt that he ever held any desire or affection toward me. I think he did only what he felt he had to do to lure me in and set my adoration and love for him solidly in place … and then he quit trying. Once I was hooked, he didn’t need to. His excuses were believable at first … and years went by before I really started to question the truth. I wanted him to want me so badly that I was blind. He still told me he loved me, but all physical signs of affection disappeared completely.
I kept the flame of hope for far too long. When I started to become depressed, he’s hold out a little carrot of hope … just enough to keep me there longer.
How stupid could I be? Never again!!!!! NEVER!
I have a word for the rage = “spath attack” or “going spathstick” lol sorry I know it isn’t funny at all but I have to laugh sometimes or I will go mad!
TooLate – mine used me for sex and money and a personal maid, life coach, organiser, cook, cleaner, tidy upper, laundress, counsellor, friend, parent and any other way he could use me. It was actually when I pulled away from the sex that I started to see things a lot more clearly. The sex he used as a kind of ‘romantic and intense bonding experience’ – of course it was nothing of the kind for him, but for me – it was the ONLY form of intimacy I got. Any and all touching had to be sexual – he wouldn’t just hug or kiss me without trying to make it lead somewhere. At first it made me feel sexy but pretty quickly it was abusive – he would sulk and tantrum if I said NO.
I think he kind of knew the sex was a complicating factor and was ‘keeping me under a spell’ as he tried to keep it going even when I split with him. I couldn’t though as I was totally repelled by his character by that point and I am not the kind of woman who can engage in sex without feelings – I don’t see anything casual in it at all. As soon as I was able to stop the sex, I really started to see him clearly for what he was – a sick man who cared nothing for me or my feelings.
Research on sex proves that oxytocin released at the point of orgasm and from contact with semen induces deeper bonding for women – less so for men and zilch for the psychopath. It is a snuggle substance – makes us feel warm and safe and bonded. Some part of me knew I couldn’t see clearly while we were still sleeping together. So although you might be bemoaning the lack of it, things would have been much more complex with lots of sex.
He was definitely a parasite to you – leeching off you in such blatant ways. You have leverage over him though if you ever need it in the future – find out if there would be any implications for you re taxation if you reported his under the table earnings. Don’t report if it will harm you … but you can always use it as a suggestion with him if things turn really nasty. Just drop a hint 🙂
(((((((((GEM))))))))))) – there are limitations to this forum; you and I are far away from one another and are talking through electronic waves…
…and really I just want to give you a big hug and sit a while with your bettered and angry self.
best,
one step
Dear Gem,
When we break NC it always rebounds on US not them. We have to keep in mind and in our hearts that the only closure we have available is what we MAKE OURSELVES FOR OURSELVES. I know you know that intellectually, but sometimes our emotions weaken and we do an EMOTIONAL choice because it seems so important to have it. You and I are fruits from the same tree, Gem. I tried so hard for so many years.
But it is like trying to find the rattlesnake that bit you and get him to understand just how painful the bite was, how your foot and leg swelled to three times it normal size, turned black, and you had to be in hospital for a month, and how pain killers would not stop the pain, and how in the end, though you didn’t die, you lost four toes and will limp the rest of your life. Try to make that SNAKE understand and after that, go work on your daughter. It isn’t going to happen, Gem.
For so long I wrote letters, 10-12-14 page typed letters crying to my P son about how he had hurt me, betrayed me, or to my egg donor. They neither comprehend nor care, if anything, the more pain I suffered the more joy they get/got.
Our dear Lily never gave up on her MALIGNANT HOPE (even if ever so small) that her daughters would “get it” or “care” and I think it haunted her to her last breath. Gem, I don’t want to let that specter haunt me forever. I can’t allow it, I have to fight it. When I feel those urges (which thank God are rare now!) I have to sit myself down and have a “talk” with my “inner Oxy” and straighten that old woman out!
When you feel those urges, come here and let me BOINK you on the head a good one with the CYBER SKILLET. LOL ((((Hugs)))) and always prayers.
midlifecrisis,
I was so in love with my spath! Every night I would lay next to him and want him to just reach out and touch me. I wanted affection of ANY kind. I wanted him to hold me in his arms, to snuggle me, and yes … to make love to me. We were together for 13 years, and in the last 8 years we were together, he intentionally withheld ALL intimacy and affection. Every single night for 8 years, I lay there beside him and was rejected. He carefully placed a pillow-moat between us. A line of pillows that he claimed he needed for arm, leg, and stomach support. I can’t describe the pain that this caused me. His words of “I love you” were only that … words.
It became so unbearable, that I found it easier to sleep on the couch in our last year together. Yeah, I wasn’t having intimacy with a man, but there was no man on the couch to reject me.
I felt trapped at first. I was married to him. I didn’t see any solution for the problem. I loved him, so I didn’t consider divorce. An affair was equally repulsive to me. I loved my HUSBAND. I didn’t want another man … I wanted HIM. After years of forced celibacy, I finally cracked.
One night I was drinking some wine. I was lonly and feeling desperate for any kind of intimacy. I had been “alone” for SO long and the pain was unbearable. I couldn’t remember what it felt like to have a man put his arms around me.
I was in a situation that put me alone in a room with another man. I had never looked at this man with desire EVER in the past years I had known him. He wasn’t my type. I had an affair with him. To be honest, it could have been ANY man sitting there … a homeless man, a bum … anything with a working penis. Sad, isn’t it? It was my idea … driven by desperate feelings and alcohol, I made the suggestion.
For months afterwards, I felt devastated by my lack of control. I am not proud of what I did. I know it was wrong. I had given up my last shred of self respect then. I have never been able to regain that. It’s another tragic loss for me.
Sadly, now I have lost any sense of connection between love and sex. It just doesn’t matter anymore. You want sex? Come and get it. I don’t care. It means nothing to me.
I have lost all interest in sex. I have lost all faith in myself and others. I trust no one.
I want to be alone for the rest of my life. Sex? Sure, why not? Love? Forget it, I’m through.
Dear Toolate,
I hear the pain in your post above. That kind of rejection you describe is so painful. Many times I think when we are so rejected we pull within ourselves and are afraid to risk intimacy again because the rejection IS so painful. That is a natural and normal withdrawl to keep ourselves pain free, but it is lonely behind those walls as well.
It doesn’t have to last forever though. As we heal, we can learn to trust again…to trust others, and to trust OURSELVES to keep us safe from that kind of rejection and pain. Keep your faith, first in YOURSELF to keep you safe from predators. Learn to take baby steps in trust with friends and others, and then again, maybe at some time, you can also learn to trust yourself to find compassionate and loving sharing with another, for both love and sex. God bless.
Dear Mamma Gem,
Oxy has some wise words to share…
However I know where you are coming from. It seems hard to “get there”.
The emotional turmoil, especially the CONFLICTING feelings that exist when the toxic person in your life is your child. This conflict of emotions most days seems impossible to get beyond.
On any given day I feel like I take 2 steps forward but then the next day 5 steps back.
Often, when I take my steps backwards though, is when I hear some “news” about him. And generally speaking that news comes from the school or from the family that he is staying with. (and the news is either bad or troubling at best) Emotionally, where I AM right now…..NO NEWS is good news. And because of his age, I will continue to be contacted by the school regardless of where he is “living”.
I am only at the begining stages of trying to “tough love” this situation. It isn’t EASY. Most days it seems damn close to impossible. And it is ALWAYS torture to my heart.
Gem your heart is broken. A part of your heart will ALWAYS be the “mother” that you were. Regardless of WHAT your daughter has done. This process is ALL about acceptance.
Accepting that the hole in our hearts is something we need to learn to co-exist with.
Accepting the fact that love is not enough to save our kids. That even if your daughter wrote you a 12 page letter of apology, for what happened between the two of you, it wouldn’t MEAN anything. It would not FILL that hole in your heart. It wouldn’t erase any of the pain that you have endured. It wouldn’t change how she would continue to treat you. If you recieved an apology it would be part of a ploy. Or a con, to take even more from you.
Look at our dear New Lily….Her adult children didn’t come to her when she was “living” they came when she was dying. To LITTLE, to LATE.
I pray she is at peace.
The more you look into what your daughter is doing in her life, the more pain you are inflicting on yourself. I know this is hard….To know “nothing” about what goes on in your own daughters life….But you are almost better off, by not knowing. Knowing, just rubbs salt in the wound.
Spread your loving heart to her children, your grandchildren. They are deserving of your love and your heart.
xxxx
TooLate
What you did you were driven to. I myself started up net friendships with men – I didn;t physically cheat, but I was desperate for some intellectual intimacy. Or even just a hug. Have you ever thought that perhaps this was all planned by the P? That he set you up for it so to speak? I can just about guarantee he witheld deliberately hoping you would have an affair so then he could go mad about it and blame you for being the ‘whore’ he always knew you were. It’s a sick mind- of course you are not a whore. I just want you to forgive yourself for this – you were driven to it. As surely as if he had slipped rohypnol into a drink and invited someone in to take advantage of you. If someone ignores you for years – then what can you expect?
As to sex – be careful with it. I was on the fence when I left him. I could have went down the route of looking for meaningless casual flings, or I could just retreat inside myself. I decided the latter = I didn’t need to feel any worse than I already did. Sex causes bonding for women whether we like to admit it or not. I have memories of friends having one night stands and then desperately hoping the guy would call the next day (of course he never did). What I did in the end up was to form platonic friendships with men – I needed to heal my view of them and being exploited for sex just wasn’t a good idea for me at that time. Having them as friends is definitely healing me – I see that not all men are bad and selfish and parasitic. And if I have ‘needs’ … well there are tools I can buy for that! At least it is sex with someone you love lol
Look after you – you are as precious as gold. Don’t cast yourself among those who don’t deserve you and don’t see your light. You are worth so much more than that. Try journalling about the sex and how it has changed your views of what it is … you might be surprised at what comes out for you – I certainly was!
You sound already much better than when you first came here – just wanted to share that with you – the pain has died down a little and you are very clear about what is going on. Good work!!!!
Too Late , reading your post was heart wrenching . I know i tried everything with the s, dressing sleasy oh yea he’d tell me how to dress to degrade me and then when he couldn’t perform i was degraded and rejected all over again. For six years i went through him either rubbing up against me or getting whatever thrill it gave him to see me dress exactly to his liking and not once did i get anything back only a little cuddling exactly for how long he decided. Your blog is making me so pissed just thinking of my own situation. The detective i was trying to help because like midlife i craved some affection and the farthest we got was cuddling and lots of massages. Thankfully all i was looking for was some affection and he the same as i think he’s loyal like me he was just so love starved and i the same. I rmember once just lying on his chest nothing too earthsattering, the poor guy went on and on ” wasn’t that the calmest peace you’ve ever felt” he couldn’t beleive that he was cuddling and had never experienced that peace in 23 yrs of marriage nor had he ever been given a backrub. But he is back with her and yes i get ticked thinking why are all the warm cuddly people with these cold detached ones but life is not fair. Just reading your post sure brings up the reality of what i sacrificed myself something im really thinking about alot these days but it’s good, keeps things in perspective. Funny before i read your post i was in kitchen thinking that asshole, i never once got to do anything i wanted or watch anything i wanted or eat anything i wanted , you get my point . I think this is just a stage im going through and i hope im passed the worst of it. Im on guard if he calls as m y pattern is to want t o be sarcastic and he loves any attention, giong to try a new tactic i’ve never used , no madness, no niceness, just nothing. love kindheart “i must be progressing as it’s never occured to me to just really truly ignore him from the heart finally/ love kindheart
Dear Gem,
The “not knowing” is what NC is all about, because each time we “know” more, it is only painful to us. By getting information about them, what they are doing, thinking, saying, we end up being more hurt because it is “breaking” NC.
Of course we never wanted this kind of relationship (or lack of one) with the little children we loved, but these ADULTS are NOT those babies we held and had such great hopes for—they are STRANGERS. And, not only strangers, but strangers who have not only no love for us, but rancor and anger and hate toward us.
That is why I “buried” my baby boy some years back, I buried that baby and young boy just as I buried my grandparents. Now, I can think about my little boy and miss him, but still think happy thoughts about him, ,talk about the funny cute things he did when he was little, before he “died”—-and smile about those things. The MAN however, is just another convict—he is NOT the child I loved. Maybe my “compartmentalization” of my thinking is “crazy” but it helps me to cope. It helps me to hang on to that wonderful CHILD I loved, while distancing myself from the MAN WHO IS SO EVIL.
I will never stop loving my baby, but I fooled myself for too long that my baby boy was the same person as the evil man. They are not! I wish you and Wits PEACE. Love Oxy