Although we think of love as an emotion, it is really more like a drive. Emotions come and go, whereas drives, like love, tend to persist. All emotions are associated with distinct facial expressions, whereas love is not. Love (like all of the basic drives I have discussed in this blog) is difficult to control. Furthermore, the most recent scientific research indicates that all drives, including love, are associated with activation of the brain pathway called the mesolimbic dopamine pathway.
Attraction: the first stage of love
Love, like other drives, is associated with wanting to get something. That something we are talking about here is a partner. The first stage of love, then, involves seeking out a partner. Scientists have called this the attraction phase. It is important for each person to understand how the attraction phase works within himself/herself. There are both conscious and unconscious parts to attraction.
The attraction phase involves the senses, primarily sight and smell. There may be chemicals that activate the brain through smell that we are not consciously aware of. Similarly, we may like the way someone looks and not be sure why. Our conscious mind and unconscious mind may be looking for different things in a partner. The unconscious mind plays a big role in our partner selection process.
It is important to realize that we can be taken over and captivated by attraction. Some of the symptoms of attraction or falling in love are “butterflies in the stomach,” clammy hands and racing heart. These symptoms are direct evidence of the physical nature of the love drive.
There is pleasure associated with getting the objects of our drives. In the brain, this pleasure involves many important chemicals like dopamine and the endorphins. Contact with the lover is also pleasurable because it releases oxytocin. This chemical produces reward by calming us down. (It doesn’t matter that it is the lover’s fault that we need calming.) Oxytocin is a powerful, natural anti-anxiety chemical.
The attraction phase usually lasts no more than 18 months. The reason for this is that it is too consuming. People have to be able to function, and when our energies are over focused on a lover, we aren’t as productive in other areas. Furthermore, the attraction phase has only one purpose. That is to get us hooked. When the pleasure chemicals and anxiety relieving chemicals are released in the brain, a compulsion is formed. That compulsion is to be with the lover. So the love that starts out as pleasure in the company of the lover becomes a compulsion. When the compulsion phase sets in, we feel compelled to stay with our lover no matter what. That is when we know “bonding” has taken place.
So the stages of love basically involve attraction, followed by great pleasure, followed by bonding. I would add a fourth stage, caretaking. Normal people feel an urge to take care of others toward whom they feel bonded.
Sociopaths and love
Ability to love, then, involves attraction, pleasure, bonding and caretaking. How is the sociopath’s experience of love different from what I have described? First, I never met a sociopath who did not do exactly what he/she wanted. I have to conclude from this that the attraction phase operates relatively normally in the sociopath. In fact, many sociopaths hang around only as long as the attraction phase lasts. There is evidence that emotional arousal is abnormal in sociopaths. So I would also assume they experience the pleasures of attraction without the “butterflies.”
It is blatantly obvious that sociopaths do not bond in the usual sense. Their love drive is thus stuck in the attraction gear and they can go no further than attraction. But don’t stop there! As the sociopath experienced the pleasures of his/her latest object of attraction, his/her drive for conquest was also activated.
The sociopath simultaneously experiences pleasure in attraction and pleasure in conquest or power. In other words, although the sociopath cannot form a love bond, he/she can acquire a possession which he/she strongly believes belongs to him/her.
If I enjoy something and I work very hard to get that thing, it is mine! I feel entitled to something I enjoy and work for. That thing also should keep giving me pleasure and satisfaction in order to stay wanted. If a possession is no longer pleasant and appealing to me, I throw it in the garbage. Now, if someone breaks in and tries to steal my possessions, I am angry and feel violated. Does any of this sound familiar?
Unlike the caretaking of the true love bond, the caretaking behavior of sociopaths is only self serving. I take care of my stuff because I have to. If I want people to envy me, I make the outside of my house look good and wax my car. Then people driving by see the great looking house with the new car in the driveway and think I really have it made. My stuff gives me status. If I don’t take care of my stuff, my status goes down.
So again we see that although sociopaths have a rudimentary love drive, in the end their drives are all about power and status. Don’t be fooled by the occasional care taking behavior, it is not motivated by empathy or a true love bond.
Oh Southernman, Dont. I’m turning green! Lol. I have never had anyone do a fraction of what you mentioned for me. But relationships must be give and take. One way is no good.
YOu know, Southernman, some men just have that “instinct” to get a gal what would melt the heart of almost anyone except a P–LOL My loving husband NEVER DID get that “instinct” he bought me things, but things that he THOUGHT I would have liked, and in a way I did, he bought me horses and planes and cars, but I would have traded them all for ONE BOX OF CHOCOLATES, I laugh at it now, but in spite of all the “hints” he never got it! But the one present he gave me that was without PRICE was his love and consideration–even after 20 years of marriage and 40 years of friendship we were just as much in love as we had ever been, maybe in some ways more so. The things he DID for me, helping build a cart for my oxen to pull, driving me all over heck and back to go to the living history events, fixing my computer (all the time), just wanting to BE with me, holding hands in the evenings, those were the things that really mattered, but I SURE would have loved to have had that box of chocolates. LOL
I just read this on Reasoned Audacity site and had to share the humor:
From the American Society of Sociopaths or AS… well, never mind.
(Twelve steps, modeled after AA, definitely without permission)
1. We admit that we are powerless over our character flaw – that our lives have become unmanageable — we like it that way.
2. We have come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity — but we don’t care.
3. We have made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God or Society, as we understand Him/Her/Them — if we trusted them more than we trusted our own judgment and responsibility.
4. We have made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves — and have found nothing wrong.
5. We have admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being(?) the exact nature of our wrongs — perfection.
6. We are entirely ready to have God remove all of these defects of character — (assuming he put them there in the first place?)
7. We humbly [sic] ask Him to remove our shortcomings — easy job, since there are few.
8. We have made a list of all persons we have harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all — by getting out of their lives.
9. We will make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others — (see number 8)
10. We will continue to take personal inventory and when we are wrong promptly admit it — however, other people will surely take on this responsibility for us.
11. We have sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out — daddy replacement?
12. Having had this spiritual awakening as a result of these Steps, we will carry this message to other Sociopaths, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. (see also sex addicts anonymous)
I’ve read these comments and can’t help but put in my two cents worth! I had the chocolates, beautiful cards, birthday cakes, but it was the before and after that told the whole tale. Constant complaining when I would ask for him to do something for me. He would do everything for others with a smile and whistle. Occasionally if he was in a good mood, I might warrant getting a favor, but otherwise I waited.
I would have taken a hug and kiss for no reason, than to have something just because the calendar said he should.
Reading about all these messed up people, lets me see that I’m more normal than I thought. I couldn’t for the life of me wonder what I was doing wrong. Now I see it wasn’t me. My husband is the one with the problem. I’m in the here and now. I don’t know where he is, other than his past.
He made mention the other day, after hearing a hymn, that that was the song sung at my aunt’s funeral and the minister’s wife sung it. I just looked at him, like where did that come from. My aunt’s been dead for over 30 years. I can barely remember what she looked like let alone what song was sung at her funeral. And she was my aunt. No wonder he doesn’t remember things that happened with the children.
All that pretending for all those years. What a waste of precious time and words. Not to mention the sex. Had I known it didn’t mean a thing, I sure would have stayed on my side of the bed!! But I at least have my children. That is my reward for sticking it out. Now I don’t have to pretend anymore. I’m free and so is he. He can live in his past if that makes him happy. Although I did say when one lives in their past, it’s like they have two lives. They have double the time of living, as long as they come back to the here and now. But unless someone has lived in this kind of situation, they have no clue what one endures. But you all do understand. A great comfort.
Lol southernman.. you are sweeter than honey. I confess I couldn’t stand it if somebody put themselves out that much for me. I’m too damn independent. But what I always long for is someone to look at me, and REALLY see me, you know?
I did have one bf long ago that always did that kind of stuff for me, he was the nicest guy in the world. I had to move away for work though.. it sucked.
[The Strangest Thing] take my life – time has been twisting the knife – I don’t recognize people I care for – take my dreams childish and weak at the seams – please don’t analyse – please just be there for me – the things that I know nobody told me – the seeds that are sown they still control me – there’s a liar in my head there’s a thief upon my bed – and the strangest thing is I cannot get my eyes open – take my hand lead me to some peaceful land that I cannot find in my head – wake me with love it’s all I need but in all this time still no one said…if I had not asked would you have told me – if you call this love why don’t you hold me – there’s a liar in my head there’s a thief upon my bed – and the strangest thing is I cannot get my eyes open – give me something I can hold – give me something to believe in – I am frightened for my soul. please please make love to me. send love through me – heal me with your crime – the only one who ever knew me – we’ve wasted so much time – so much time
OMG Henry.. find a new soundtrack.. quick!
Hiya Henry. I like that George Michael album too. Yes good words on that song.
Hi Bev!!! That is from his album (older), every track on that album sound’s like he is singing about sociopath’s. There are some more up beat song’s also. Any way, I have kinda reached a turning point, (reframing) and as always doing alot of soul searching. The phrase ( The truth will set you free – but first it will piss you off) I have asked myself – what is my truth? My truth is right before my eye’s, it has always been there. I think I have let go of most of the pain over my experience with (M). I keep remembering Wini’s analogy of the turtle and the scorpion. That is what they do. Seems like I have let go of him in stages. Each time it is a little less painful – but necessary. So I go to my hill and talk to the stars – and I have been getting so many answer’s, each time I leave some pain – I send it up to the stars. Yes the truth has alway’s been right before my eyes……….
Henry, The bushmen in the deserts of Africa talk to the stars and they also LISTEN TO THE STARS as well, They are amazed that we cannot “hear’ the stars. Since I came back from Africa so many many years ago, I still try to “hear” the stars on clear nights. The bushmen feel a “tapping” in their chest when the stars are going to talk to them, and they sit silently and listen to the messages from the stars.
I’m not sure if they really can hear the stars, but I do know that they listen quietly to themselves—and I think that is one thing that “we” (civilized folk) don’t do enough of. I’ve been doing a lot more “listening” to myself of late, and I think that has been very helpful.
What is my truth? What is the meaning of my life? What are my goals? Lots of questions, and some answers. Coming to the realization–the DEEP realization that this life is “temporary” at best and all we are guarneteed is TODAY. If I got the news tomorrow that I would die in 7 days–what would I do with those seven days? What would I say to those I love, those that have been there for me?
So, I say those things today. I hug my son D in the morning and I say “I love you” and I call or e mail my son C and I say, “I love you, and I am so proud of you.” I am trying to live TODAY like it WILL be the last day of my life. A day without any regrets, any feelings that I should have done something different. I may stumble tomorrow, and hit the pit again, but for TODAY I’m okay, I’m healing and life is good.