Although we think of love as an emotion, it is really more like a drive. Emotions come and go, whereas drives, like love, tend to persist. All emotions are associated with distinct facial expressions, whereas love is not. Love (like all of the basic drives I have discussed in this blog) is difficult to control. Furthermore, the most recent scientific research indicates that all drives, including love, are associated with activation of the brain pathway called the mesolimbic dopamine pathway.
Attraction: the first stage of love
Love, like other drives, is associated with wanting to get something. That something we are talking about here is a partner. The first stage of love, then, involves seeking out a partner. Scientists have called this the attraction phase. It is important for each person to understand how the attraction phase works within himself/herself. There are both conscious and unconscious parts to attraction.
The attraction phase involves the senses, primarily sight and smell. There may be chemicals that activate the brain through smell that we are not consciously aware of. Similarly, we may like the way someone looks and not be sure why. Our conscious mind and unconscious mind may be looking for different things in a partner. The unconscious mind plays a big role in our partner selection process.
It is important to realize that we can be taken over and captivated by attraction. Some of the symptoms of attraction or falling in love are “butterflies in the stomach,” clammy hands and racing heart. These symptoms are direct evidence of the physical nature of the love drive.
There is pleasure associated with getting the objects of our drives. In the brain, this pleasure involves many important chemicals like dopamine and the endorphins. Contact with the lover is also pleasurable because it releases oxytocin. This chemical produces reward by calming us down. (It doesn’t matter that it is the lover’s fault that we need calming.) Oxytocin is a powerful, natural anti-anxiety chemical.
The attraction phase usually lasts no more than 18 months. The reason for this is that it is too consuming. People have to be able to function, and when our energies are over focused on a lover, we aren’t as productive in other areas. Furthermore, the attraction phase has only one purpose. That is to get us hooked. When the pleasure chemicals and anxiety relieving chemicals are released in the brain, a compulsion is formed. That compulsion is to be with the lover. So the love that starts out as pleasure in the company of the lover becomes a compulsion. When the compulsion phase sets in, we feel compelled to stay with our lover no matter what. That is when we know “bonding” has taken place.
So the stages of love basically involve attraction, followed by great pleasure, followed by bonding. I would add a fourth stage, caretaking. Normal people feel an urge to take care of others toward whom they feel bonded.
Sociopaths and love
Ability to love, then, involves attraction, pleasure, bonding and caretaking. How is the sociopath’s experience of love different from what I have described? First, I never met a sociopath who did not do exactly what he/she wanted. I have to conclude from this that the attraction phase operates relatively normally in the sociopath. In fact, many sociopaths hang around only as long as the attraction phase lasts. There is evidence that emotional arousal is abnormal in sociopaths. So I would also assume they experience the pleasures of attraction without the “butterflies.”
It is blatantly obvious that sociopaths do not bond in the usual sense. Their love drive is thus stuck in the attraction gear and they can go no further than attraction. But don’t stop there! As the sociopath experienced the pleasures of his/her latest object of attraction, his/her drive for conquest was also activated.
The sociopath simultaneously experiences pleasure in attraction and pleasure in conquest or power. In other words, although the sociopath cannot form a love bond, he/she can acquire a possession which he/she strongly believes belongs to him/her.
If I enjoy something and I work very hard to get that thing, it is mine! I feel entitled to something I enjoy and work for. That thing also should keep giving me pleasure and satisfaction in order to stay wanted. If a possession is no longer pleasant and appealing to me, I throw it in the garbage. Now, if someone breaks in and tries to steal my possessions, I am angry and feel violated. Does any of this sound familiar?
Unlike the caretaking of the true love bond, the caretaking behavior of sociopaths is only self serving. I take care of my stuff because I have to. If I want people to envy me, I make the outside of my house look good and wax my car. Then people driving by see the great looking house with the new car in the driveway and think I really have it made. My stuff gives me status. If I don’t take care of my stuff, my status goes down.
So again we see that although sociopaths have a rudimentary love drive, in the end their drives are all about power and status. Don’t be fooled by the occasional care taking behavior, it is not motivated by empathy or a true love bond.
Dear Kimmie,
((((((Hugs))))))) I know you would like to just “get on with life” and quit the self examination and thinking about it all.
I would too!
Where I have an “issue” that is causing me trouble, then I have to have TIME to THINK about and ANALYZE what is causing the trouble. Why I am feeling “not so good” or there is trouble in my life.
Persons with BPD are like people with depression or any other thing, it can be not too bad to function, or all the way up to catatonic and can’t get out of bed (using depression for the scale of symptoms.)
I do suggest that you listen to your triggers. If there are triggers we have more stuff to work on, and ignoring painful things doesn’t solve them, it is called DENIAL and that ain’t a river in Egypt, Chickie! LOL
Anorexia is a SERIOUS medical/mental health issue, and I’ve had patients literally die from it, and others it was more or less fixable.
There are a lot of theories on BPD being the “female version” of PPD, but I really don’t think that is the case….but the ones who kill etc. that are diagnosed with BPD I think are really Ps and misdiagnosed, but that’s just my OPINION.
Do good things for yourself, and DO NOT TRY TO FIX OTHERS, and know what your issues are, and CALL yourself on them or ask a good friend to call you on them if you don’t see the issues yourself sometimes (we are all blind to our own issues sometimes I think even when we try to “see” them)
Also, remember that SELF DIAGNOSIS is dangerous, even for a medical or mental health professional. That’s why I go to a DOCTOR myself.
What’s the old saying “a lawyer who represents himself has a FOOL for a client and his lawyer” (same thing for doctors)
So I suggest you get in a group like Al-anon, or go to therapy (I know, you don’t want to be in therapy the rest of your life) ((((Hugs))))) Kimmie, I can SEE how far you have come since you came here to LF!!! TOWANDA for you! But if this is triggering you, then you might want to think about some more therapy or a support group. God bless.
Thank-you, Oxy. I woke up feeling sooo sad this morning…so much wasted time…time I can’t get back. So much wasted emotion and energy.
I came to this site trying to recover from the last spathing, but have found so much unresolved pain from my marriage to my X military hub. I wanted that marriage to work so bad, and his emotional withdrawl hurt so bad for so long.
When I look at it now I realize he never really loved me and we got married for all the wrong reasons. I couldn’t keep up all the enormous energy it took to ADORE him, and I’m sure that hurt him a lot. He pretty much much moved on, but stayed married, and I never had a clue what happened.
At the time I blamed it all on him, but now see how we were both wounded and damaged souls who didn’t stand a chance, and now I see that I hurt him too!
At least he tried. The other one was like an incorrigable boy.
Makes my skin crawl. I used to say he was like a dog you could neither keep in the yard or out of the yard.
He came and went as he pleased.
Anyway, thanks for answering. A little encouragement goes a long way.
Dear Kimmie,
This healing journey starts out about finding out what was wrong with them, and ends up about US—and what we need to fix in ourselves. Mostly I think is developing boundaries, at least for me. But not only boundaries for how we allow others to treat us, but boundaries for how we TREAT OURSELVES.
Sometimes realizing that we contributed to our own failures in relationships makes us sad (It would be so nice if we could blame others for all our troubles like a psychopath would! LOL) I think though, that by exploring all this carp, it is like peeling an onion, you peel off one layer and there’s another layer underneath. Eventually you get it all peeled down to the core—and that is what I am still working on it.
Spend some time DIGESTING what you have learned on the BPD site, and don’t overwhelm yourself. When most of us came here to LF we were OVERWHELMED with problems, but now that those of us who have been here for a while and learned and grown and developed a few internal resources, we can work on things without being overcome or over whelmed. So just an itty bitty bite at a time, but it will make you stronger.
Burying it won’t do a bit of good, we all know that! (((Hugs) you don’t have to face everything at once. Rest a bit, then take another go at it. Love Oxy
kimfrederick,
I hope you feel better today. The past is done. Today is a new day, hoping that your mood lifts. I am feeling low too, so I am going to have a quiet time, possibly reading some helpful books. Take care.
I am new to this site, and new to learning about social psychopaths, etc., and am trying to figure out whether my ex is a social psychopath, because she does show a lot of the signs of one, but…. diagnosing someone as essentially having no soul is very difficult. How do you all know your ex’s, etc., are psychopaths? A person is so dynamic, and there can be so many reasons why people do what they do… or don’t do.
Not that it makes much difference really, but in case of potential confusion with my use of pronouns- I am lesbian…. 😉 Please forgive if this gets long… it’s complicated to sum up.
MANY of the stories on here resonate a great deal with my ex’s personality, but still I am reluctant to call her a psychopath. Another factor in our relationship is that we met online, and she was in Canada while I was in the U.S.
She wrote me beautiful letters… we facebooked… and then we began talking on the phone a lot. We talked about everything under the sun. She looks like a model and is so intelligent, well spoken and has a huge vocabulary… mostly I was hesitant because of her age… she was 23 when we met…. A couple red flags were that she said she was a commitment phobic, and had a lot of short term relationships that she didn’t call “dating” she called it “dealing.” I didn’t think that was too odd, because of her age however, and because as fem lesbians with higher educations- finding a match is already like finding the last unicorn.
What did stand out was that she “dealt” with a lot of women who were clearly not her match on every/many fronts…. she toyed with them… and claimed that they were not her equal, so the only thing she got out of it was the chase- seducing them and then with no explanation discarding them. She comes from money too, attends an Ivy League University (to be a psychiatrist), and lived with her parents, so she never needed to take advantage financially… not at first at least. Also the fact that her only friends were her little sister, and a girl her age who puts zero expectations on her, and enables her lies/secrets. She can charm ANYONE- she is tall, charismatic and strikingly attractive.
I finally couldn’t take wondering if we were a match, so I bought her a plane ticket to come see me when I lived in Los Angeles. She put up a fuss because she felt bad/guilty about my paying for it (she didn’t have credit cards), and insisted on buying all the food and drinks once she arrived- which she did. She came, and it was animal magnetism right off the bat. She seemed so nervous and timid at first… which made perfect sense for the circumstances. It was really unique, because we were already in love with each other mentally before we met in person. Or so I thought at that time. She was so unbelievably sweet and an amazing listener… so insightful.
The sexual chemistry was off the charts, and she was such a sexual giver too- very sensual and dominant (but so am I)…. however, it came out that she had been raped when she was 14-15- lost her virginity to her equestrian coach…. so she was timid about/had issues with penetrative sex- but still had high sex drive. That was not spoken of much again after that except for a few random mentions of nightmares of him over the year we were together. Anyway- right off the bat after meeting me, she was eager to put her commitment phobia behind her and have me be her GF… she felt that I was the one.
So… with her help (limited help), I sublet a place in Canada to explore our relationship further. I bought her a ticket, again, to fly back to drive the long trip there together. I made it special, and took it on myself to pay for it all, because she only had a part time job while she was in school. We went so many places. Physically- she was so affectionate- held my hand everywhere we went- we never walked without her reaching to hold my hand… slept all night in each others arms… took showers together… she was so complimentary… so affectionate… so sure of our connection… it was magical feeling… I had never been so comfortable around someone.
On this trip it started to become apparent that she had issues expressing emotions. She was moody, but apologetic for it. She said that because of her cold upbringing, and a neurotic, emotionally abusive mother made her learn to “stuff” (suppress) her emotions long ago… that showing emotion in her household caused more damage than it helped…. that her mom and dad favored her sister (but oddly she would later say that her sister had an ability to connect with them in a way she never could)…. that she was diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder as a child…. that she had ADD which is the reasoning she often used for not calling when she said she would…. or her mother was taking her phone… taking her computer…. etc…. being punished for being gay, etc. Tons of blame and excuses for her lack of follow through on things.
Only 9 days into my being in her city- she was already talking about how she couldn’t believe that she met someone she could spend the rest of her life with with such concrete assuredness… at the same time she started getting secretive, and picked a fight with me over nothing- out of the blue, so she could leave for the night and not come back. I was suspicious of something not being right. She said she was going to spend time with her sister, and then I saw her sister online 2 hours later, and she told me she was 2 hours away and def not with her sis. Came to discover she secretly met with an ex, and lied to me about it… she was so unruffled when I confronted her about the lies- no emotion showed on her face- she just broke into hives… she said that the hives must be anxiety (whenever a moment where emotions would be appropriate- she’d break into hives instead and maybe get glossy, sorrowful eyes), but that she wasn’t sure, and magically manipulated and seduced me. She spent all her time around me when she wasn’t at work, and her ex was not even a little attractive- also not very intelligent or classy, so I bought it.
Then another week later… she left her email account open on my computer with an email chain to her ex… throwing me under the bus pretty badly… saying how I was triggering her “commitment phobia” and that she missed her, but couldn’t get away while I was in town- even dedicated a song to her ex that I had dedicated to her… really hurtful stuff. Everything in her letters was the complete opposite of what she told me about her feelings. Her ex was desperately grasping at any crumb she threw… of course. When I confronted her about seeing the emails- she said that she was feeling smothered and scared… and that things were going too fast- when I told her that she was the one WANTING it to go at this pace- she said she was intimidated by her intense feelings for me, and her ex was simple and predictable- what she was used to…. used to not caring, and having control…. and with me- it was real love, it was beyond her control and freaked her out. Again- I bought it. She even made me feel like I had invaded her privacy by reading her emails.
When we were eating around town a couple times- she ducked to hide when she saw certain women walking, and freaked about not wanting “drama”. I thought that was very odd, and got upset about it… and I noticed that these women were often very unappealing, sloppy… of a type that wasn’t matched…. She had a seamless explanation- “Well at least you know I am not shallow, and you should feel confident that you are extraordinarily gorgeous.” I was feeling insecure that I had driven all this way, found work, and bent time and space just to be there with her (I already had considered moving to Canada before meeting her, so I thought it was fate)… and that she was cavalier about how she was handling our relationship when she wanted me there “so badly.” I even found out she still was cyber winking at women on the dating site we met on- she said she didn’t see the big deal- she was just bored at work.
This is getting long! Weeks after she realized I was looking for another sublet to extend my stay another month- she popped it on me that she was unable to get out of the family trip to Europe… leaving me in a position where I had to make last minute plans to meet my mom in NY at family that was about a 10 hour drive… arranging plane tickets for my mom, etc., in under a week- wasting money. She said she wanted to drive with me to meet my family. She charmed the HELL out of my difficult to impress family (my mom has worked with the mentally ill my whole life)- they loved her, and how we were together. She didn’t have money for her return strip to Canada- and refused to allow me to pay for a plane, and took a 14 hour bus trip. On the bus platform, with tears in her eyes she told me that after meeting my family she felt so privileged to be with me- and that she would miss me terribly while she was in Europe for 3 weeks (over my birthday too). [Passionate kiss- end scene.]
I drove 12 hours to get home with my mom directly after that. When we finally arrived to my mom’s… I opened my computer, and AGAIN, my GF had left her email AND her facebook logged into. I discovered that she had set up to meet her ex once she got off the bus I paid for. I managed to stay logged into her account for a week without telling her anything… but she could tell I was upset…. she always could read me (they say psychopaths can’t read sadness or anger but she could)… I set her into a trap- lied to do it…. created a fake email pretending to be an anonymous friend of ex’s contacting me to tell me that I was being played and cheated on and that I needed to get a clue. I used phrases from their letters to each other to make it more real- included all of her ex’s info/telephone #/email… to scare her.
Again… she managed to manipulate me with fears of my being American, and money, and that loving me so much made her fear falling apart if we couldn’t be together…. and all the obstacles mixed with her fear that she messes everything up. Then she went to Europe, and never called me once- not even on my birthday when she swore she would. She barely emailed, but when she did- it was an excuse for why she wasn’t calling- she did facebook me on my bday.
I went back up to Canada when she returned- because she told me that she had decided to take a year off from school to figure out if she really wanted to be a doctor- that she wasn’t sure… that her parent’s told her since she was a child that she would be a doctor- one way or another…. that they were so controlling she said. That being in Europe made her realize that she didn’t want to keep dating the predictable, “safe” woman. She wanted to give it a real shot with me, and go back to California with me so we could figure out how to work it out- she had saved a couple thousand dollars at her job.
She also gave me all her passwords to her accounts…. for the next 7 months we lived together. Because of this- I found out that she didn’t voluntarily take a year off from school, but that she was actually on her 2nd academic probation for poor performance. I knew she had a big issue about the invasion of privacy thing, but I decided to bring it up anyway… because it was yet another significant lie. She was REALLY pissed off that I read her email trying to get readmitted (without telling me) as soon as possible, because she suffered with ADD and was seeing a therapist for it, and on and off of meds. And then I started to wonder if she was just using me for a place to be that was warm during the winter… she said she had seasonal affective disorder. She managed, again, to quell my concerns.
We rarely fought except for when her money ran out, and she was struggling to make money as a Canadian in the states. She did more chores, she did under the table work she didn’t like at all- for very little money… she modeled/had her hair butchered. We couldn’t get married (not legal in the US)…. her parents very rarely contacted her… didn’t on Christmas even…. I even made her send gifts and a card from us both. When we fought about stupid stuff- she was always so endearing about apologies… they were so damn thorough! She read books all the time- a lot of books on psychology- even People of the Lie…. she could break down the human psyche like a champion. Problem was- she apologized amazingly well- but she frequently reverted back to the same behaviors she apologized so well for.
She was so loving to all animals- got upset at TV shows that revealed animals being hurt. She got scared about paranormal shows, and would sometimes be unable to sleep because she had convinced herself something was there (fear). We had so much fun together- drinking a couple times brought out a different personality. One time she got really angry and went around telling women (this is LA mind you) how fake they were… how they were trying to hard…. insulting…. she would tell me how much she hated the city and the people. She never made friends or connections… she started out saying how she knew she would love my friends, and she was sweet to them, but was irritable about “dealing” with them. Regardless- everyone LOVED her… and thought we were the most beautiful, striking, intense, and perfect couple…. I have a lot of very loyal friends, but she’d always seem to have a good time, and when we went home- she would say how different she was- none of them were like her, or were the kind of people she could befriend. We did fight about this too come to think of it.
One night she got drunk and changed personality. She was severely angry at me for going off with a friend for 20 minutes… lashed out, pushed me, and I almost fell onto the street… and then she tore off down the sidewalk, and started intimate conversations with bums and a blind man trying to keep me from taking her home. Finally I grabbed her and said- I AM NOT LEAVING YOU ON THE STREET ALONE… she jerked her hand away and pushed me into a street light post, and when she saw that I hit my head- she snapped back into her normal personality (someone who holds my hand everywhere we walk, doesn’t let me carry anything and protects me when crossing the street), and she looked so sorry and remorseful.
On the drive home- I went to a romantic spot overlooking the city lights- where I took her the first night she met me… to make-up… she was still pretty inebriated… and a woman who NEVER cries (her eyes only got glossy before this)… just started howling and sobbing in a pain that seemed like her soul was being torn apart…. for like 2 minutes…. and as quickly as it began- she stopped and went back to repose. When I asked her why she was crying- she said… I don’t know… and nothing more.
When we got home… she told me that an acquaintance of mine (a niece of a celebrity who also fancies herself to be a psychic) who was at the bar we were at… told her, after I left, that she would just end up hurting me extremely badly. So my GF felt that she needed to break up with me, because that was her worst fear… because she always ends up hurting people, and she so desperately didn’t want to hurt me. I started to cry- I even had an anxiety attack… because I was utterly head over heels in love by this point- ready to marry her… and this bar happened to be the location of my last break up 3.5 years before too.
She ended up comforting me- helped me take a shower to calm down, and then changed her mind as she became sober again…. saying she was naive and vulnerable to listen to that woman.
Turns out that we thought she was allowed to stay in the country for a year, and then she found out it was only 6 months… and she had already overstayed…. so she called her parents and had them book her a flight home. She gave me the sweetest letter on valentines day the outlined the 100 things she adored/loved about me… and the details she wrote about still will bring tears to my eyes- no one has ever said such beautiful things to me.
So we made a plan that she would go home… get enrolled into school… and work on her parents to agree to pay for school- she would get a job, and we would get an apartment up there together. She would fly back and help me pack and move, etc. Once we were settled up there- we would look into getting married in Canada. Her parting words to me at the airport were, “I know now, more than ever that you are the love of my life, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you… no matter what happens, I swear I will see you soon.” She left a lot of clothes, make-up, gifts I had given her, books, etc.
Her first day home she called me and told me that her father had just bought a 1.5 million dollar rental property, and she thought that meant we might be able to live there. I put in my month notice at my apartment I had lived in for almost 9 years… and started packing.
I got paranoid about her cheating on me with her ex, because she reverted back to not calling or writing when she said she would (I couldn’t call her because she still didn’t have a cell phone there yet)… and after months of not checking- I went to sign into her accounts, and the passwords were changed. I freaked and threatened to break up with her. She told me she was angry that after all this time that I didn’t truly forgive her… and was again attempting to violate her privacy to snoop on her.
The next day she wrote me an email that essentially said that she had thought long and hard, and decided that we should indeed break up, because if I didn’t believe in her love- that there must be something to that. That I was a beautiful and intelligent woman, and she wanted me to be happy. I texted her (she finally had gotten a phone but international calls were too expensive): “You propose marriage and then 2 weeks later break up with me in an email? Please call.” She texted back: “I want to talk to you too, but my mom blocked long distance calls on the home fon.”
20 minutes later she calls me from a pay phone with a phone card. I give my plea for work on things, and she responds with no emotion, “I’m exhausted. I have no money. I don’t have a job. I live with my parents. My dad said he thought about committing suicide while I was in Los Angeles being a gypsy lesbian. My parents say they won’t send me back to school if I continue with you. I don’t see how we can be together.” I responded with, “That’s it? You don’t see how we can be together?? I am not locked into moving out… I’m 2 weeks away from moving. Everything is set.” She responds, “You should leave LA anyway- that city sucks. And as things are I won’t be leaving Canada for the foreseeable future. I’m sorry. This is hard for me too. I am completely and utterly in love with you, but there is no way we can be together.”
She proceeded to not respond to my texts, my messages no matter how heart broken… my emails POURING my heart out… I sent her care packages with sweet gifts/books/movies/mixed cds, and she would only text to say “Got the package- I enjoyed the letter.” Then I saw that she was reconnected with her ex (thanks facebook) who she claimed to have no feelings for- her facebook was utterly inactive (but she was watching my every move, and would leave rare signs of being there). My friends even contacted her, and she ignored them.
It wasn’t until I wrote an email telling her she was evil, and that she could f*** off… that she responded an hour later with “I’ll call you tomorrow.” When she called her voice was hollow when it was once so sweet…. and she barely spoke… she just listened to me cry. And I found out that some of her initial reasons for not talking to me weren’t true, because she told a different story and denied she said the other stuff. She said that I deserved better than her. That she had decided that she was fine with spending the rest of her life alone. After meeting me now knew she’d never meet someone better, and since she couldn’t make it work with me- she would be alone her whole life.
She said she had to go after only talking with me for about 20 minutes… never answering my questions about her dating other people… and then disappeared again. Except to text me to stop sending her packages- that it was really sweet, but I was going bankrupt. I found out through mutual acquaintances I met while I was up there- that she was out with the ex GF at clubs.
I was so depressed as I prepared to move out of my apartment… I couldn’t afford to get another one in LA, because rent had gone up so much after the many years I had lived there…. and my savings had dwindled so much from supporting both of us…. I lost 25 pounds- couldn’t even keep water down half the time… couldn’t sleep from anxiety attacks…. was so confused…. so I had no choice but to move back across country to live with my mom, and recoup.
I flew up 2 separate times to see her since I moved back (she left to go back to Canada in May)… she lies about everything now… the person I knew is not there….. I told her I knew she was dating her ex and she snapped “No I’m NOT!” I said- you’re staying at her place more than half the week…. she gave no response beyond a shrug. I asked, “If you aren’t at all attracted to her, and you don’t even like her that much…. think she’s simple… what do you get out of it beyond money?” She responded, “If I told you that- you’d think I was a complete asshole.” When I asked, “You told me that I was the love of your life and you wanted to marry me… where did that go?” She responded with, “I was miserable when I lived with you in LA. You were happy, because I had to pretend to be something I’m not. I’m tired of feeling guilty for being different from you. Just because i am different from you, doesn’t mean I am bad.” I asked, “When you said you were in love with me, and that I made you so happy was that a lie?” She said, “NO… I am completely and utterly in love with you… I fit in your family better than my own. I couldn’t be more attracted to another human either… and that’s exactly why we can NEVER be together. EVER.”
When I started to cry… she put her arms around me and comforted me with the heart broken look in her eyes… eyes glossing again… hives…. and said “I’m so sorry I am such an asshole. I just don’t know what to do, so I avoid you. I miss you like crazy and having no contact with you is EXTREMELY hard, bur I know that I cannot be with you. So I don’t want to make things even harder than they already are. I honestly just wish that I had you as a friend, in the very least…this is why I hate relationships…they f*** everything up. I f*** everything up in them. I have never been a relationship person…they smother me. They slowly kill me…and it is the slowest death possible. And I am tired of demonizing something that is just natural to me. I am sick of hating myself. I am what I am and I need what I need. I’m tired of feeling guilty about it.
I don’t want to be a source of hurt and pain for you….but I feel that maybe that is all I can be, when I am my true self. That is why I have been avoiding contact with you. I want you to be happy…and I know that I will ultimately just make you miserable. I can only make people for short periods of time…that is until the monster rears its ugly head.
I have always left a trail of destruction in my wake. I am always hoping that it will be different and that I will change. I wish I knew why I was so restless…so basically dissatisfied and unhappy. I wish I knew why I am so erratic, fitful…I never know what to expect from myself and it scares me shitless. Because of this, I cause pain…lots of it.
I miss you and I will always love you…but in this case I know that it isn’t enough.”
She says she wants so badly to be my friend, but she never follows through… unless I am in Canada- then she sees me, but still lies about stupid things, avoids answering questions, is duplicitous… never lets me pay though. I’ve stopped talking to her/reaching out in any way now for 16 days…. I suggested she had commitment phobia- the disorder… she agreed, and said “I don’t see the point in getting therapy for it, because I’m not unhappy… and you’d have to be committed to going to therapy and how exactly is that supposed to work?” I suggested that she might had Rape Trauma Syndrome… she never responded to that beyond “poking” me on facebook. But yesterday when I posted an article on the nonviolent psychopath- mask of sanity- she deleted me as a friend about 5 hours later.
I can’t get her out of my system… I fell completely in love with her…. and I don’t know WHAT to think. Sorry I wrote a book here…. I just had to get this off my chest once and for all.
AmAir
Wow that is so much to get off a chest! it’s a great start….I can really see the slow gradual descent into distress, anxiety and despair…the hallmarks of ‘experiencing’ a sociopath…so it’s by Looking at YOU and feeling your journey I suspect major gaslighting/ crazy making and what is ultimately psychological/emotional torture that has caused you to lose your center and the confusion now is at crisis point.
Grappling with the details of the story is a nessecary part, but I feel like telling you not to bother with who is right and who is wrong…and just accept something is seriously amiss and no amount of analysis seems to be giving you answers…this is typical of a sociopath hit…it leaves you babbling in the gutter of your own disbelief…a truly horrible place to find yourself…nothing seems to add up or make sense so of course you are distraught trying to figure it out in your head.
The best way to stop the decline of your sanity and take back your own power and actually get a nessecary HANDLE on the situation is to go NO CONTACT….you need space and time to process your feelings, grieve the losses already mountain high and take stock of the situation for YOURSELF…she is okay…they always are, we are the ones who lose our sleep worrying about them and they are always grand…
sociopaths think therapy is for losers, they never NEED it because they do not see there is anything wrong with them…in fact they have a very handy skill of shrugging off “problems” and distracting themselves with the next intrigue…whatever that is most sociopaths are very proud of being able to do this, and it’s their trump card in messy situations….the more upset you become the more defective you are in their eyes and they move off…
Thank your lucky stars she is moving off…she would crush you like a bug and you sound like a person that does not deserve it.
I understand you shared the most beautiful moments of your life with this person and she really allowed you be all that you are AT ONE STAGE but now she twists and turns it back into you like a knife…you have Got to take the knife off her, forbid her the power to do that anymore….enough is enough.
You need to look after YOURSELF at this point. Cups of tea, keeping safe, avoiding drama and more confusion because there is only so much you can take before you really go under with it.
It’s brilliant you are talking here…keep talking…get some comfort and interaction here with people who understand the level of anxiety it produces..keep it coming OUT as it is toxic and sickening so talking, getting angry, bashing pillows, crying, wailing, sobbing..all normal just share it here so you are not alone…bless x
Hi Amair. I can’t say for sure that your x is a sociopath, but I would say for certain she’s some kind of “path”, meaning pathology. Dont worry too much about whats wrong with her, just know that something is, and try to evict her from the space in your head she’s renting. I know it’s almost impossible, but at least make that your goal.
I’m sorry you’re going through this awful pain, but I’m glad you’re here and hope you keep coming back.
AmAir,
You articulated yourself so well in your story. I can see that you are still sad at the loss of your relationship and you need to allow yourself to grieve. Your ex sounds like she is unhealthy, in the least, probably one of the cluster “B” personalities, perhaps bi-polar.
The most important thing to realize is that your ex doesn’t have the capability to love you in the way you deserve to be loved. You may have had some passionate moments, these people can be very intense and sexual, but her emotional immaturity can’t progress to a deeper level.
I have been trying to figure out how I could have been conned for 20 years. It’s a journey. You were taken in by who she claimed to be, not who she really is. For me, the hardest thing to accept was that he has no remorse for the pain he has caused. Your ex was self absorbed and she will never be able to see beyond her own wants and needs. She may know the right things to say be she doesn’t back it up by her actions. She is not someone you could ever trust.
Let her go and know that you did everything you could to be a loving partner, you can’t change her and she doesn’t want to change. It’s a bitter pill to swallow.
Don’t check her facebook or any other networking sites she may be on, it’s best to move on and go no contact. It’s hard but you will feel so much better without all the drama.
Best wishes~
Dear AmAir,
The specifics of your story which you articulated very well by the way, really don’t matter—she is TOXIC, she is UNTRUSTWORTHY, she is DISHONEST, and she does not treat you as if she loved you. Love is a VERB, it is how someone treats you, not what they feel about you. Love is DEMONSTRATED by ACTIONS not words.
I know it is hard to cope with the pain from what you see as a BETRAYAL, and to give up the dreams you have spun with and about this woman.
I’m glad you landed here at Lovefraud. Read articles in the archives and learn, and learn some more. It will take time, but you will heal. God bless.
Hopeforjoy,
We have been through the mill, being involved with emotionally stunted people. It is bothersome that they will never be able to acknowledge or realize all the ways that they have mistreated us, being unable to do so. These people always have excuses (justifying their behavior) toward us, sometimes their explanations being insane sounding (eg. the reason why the h-spath mistreats me is because “it’s the way you talk to me” (translation – I mustn’t sound angry or be disrespectful toward him, not liking this one bit). The Golden Rule does not apply to them, being above that law. Therefore, the h-spath can do what he pleases.