Although we think of love as an emotion, it is really more like a drive. Emotions come and go, whereas drives, like love, tend to persist. All emotions are associated with distinct facial expressions, whereas love is not. Love (like all of the basic drives I have discussed in this blog) is difficult to control. Furthermore, the most recent scientific research indicates that all drives, including love, are associated with activation of the brain pathway called the mesolimbic dopamine pathway.
Attraction: the first stage of love
Love, like other drives, is associated with wanting to get something. That something we are talking about here is a partner. The first stage of love, then, involves seeking out a partner. Scientists have called this the attraction phase. It is important for each person to understand how the attraction phase works within himself/herself. There are both conscious and unconscious parts to attraction.
The attraction phase involves the senses, primarily sight and smell. There may be chemicals that activate the brain through smell that we are not consciously aware of. Similarly, we may like the way someone looks and not be sure why. Our conscious mind and unconscious mind may be looking for different things in a partner. The unconscious mind plays a big role in our partner selection process.
It is important to realize that we can be taken over and captivated by attraction. Some of the symptoms of attraction or falling in love are “butterflies in the stomach,” clammy hands and racing heart. These symptoms are direct evidence of the physical nature of the love drive.
There is pleasure associated with getting the objects of our drives. In the brain, this pleasure involves many important chemicals like dopamine and the endorphins. Contact with the lover is also pleasurable because it releases oxytocin. This chemical produces reward by calming us down. (It doesn’t matter that it is the lover’s fault that we need calming.) Oxytocin is a powerful, natural anti-anxiety chemical.
The attraction phase usually lasts no more than 18 months. The reason for this is that it is too consuming. People have to be able to function, and when our energies are over focused on a lover, we aren’t as productive in other areas. Furthermore, the attraction phase has only one purpose. That is to get us hooked. When the pleasure chemicals and anxiety relieving chemicals are released in the brain, a compulsion is formed. That compulsion is to be with the lover. So the love that starts out as pleasure in the company of the lover becomes a compulsion. When the compulsion phase sets in, we feel compelled to stay with our lover no matter what. That is when we know “bonding” has taken place.
So the stages of love basically involve attraction, followed by great pleasure, followed by bonding. I would add a fourth stage, caretaking. Normal people feel an urge to take care of others toward whom they feel bonded.
Sociopaths and love
Ability to love, then, involves attraction, pleasure, bonding and caretaking. How is the sociopath’s experience of love different from what I have described? First, I never met a sociopath who did not do exactly what he/she wanted. I have to conclude from this that the attraction phase operates relatively normally in the sociopath. In fact, many sociopaths hang around only as long as the attraction phase lasts. There is evidence that emotional arousal is abnormal in sociopaths. So I would also assume they experience the pleasures of attraction without the “butterflies.”
It is blatantly obvious that sociopaths do not bond in the usual sense. Their love drive is thus stuck in the attraction gear and they can go no further than attraction. But don’t stop there! As the sociopath experienced the pleasures of his/her latest object of attraction, his/her drive for conquest was also activated.
The sociopath simultaneously experiences pleasure in attraction and pleasure in conquest or power. In other words, although the sociopath cannot form a love bond, he/she can acquire a possession which he/she strongly believes belongs to him/her.
If I enjoy something and I work very hard to get that thing, it is mine! I feel entitled to something I enjoy and work for. That thing also should keep giving me pleasure and satisfaction in order to stay wanted. If a possession is no longer pleasant and appealing to me, I throw it in the garbage. Now, if someone breaks in and tries to steal my possessions, I am angry and feel violated. Does any of this sound familiar?
Unlike the caretaking of the true love bond, the caretaking behavior of sociopaths is only self serving. I take care of my stuff because I have to. If I want people to envy me, I make the outside of my house look good and wax my car. Then people driving by see the great looking house with the new car in the driveway and think I really have it made. My stuff gives me status. If I don’t take care of my stuff, my status goes down.
So again we see that although sociopaths have a rudimentary love drive, in the end their drives are all about power and status. Don’t be fooled by the occasional care taking behavior, it is not motivated by empathy or a true love bond.
AmAir,
The twists and turns of being involved with a disordered person – takes your breath away. Your ex sounds like she’s all over the map, not knowing whether she’s coming or going. The DRAMA is undending. I KNOW that it is hard to recover from these relationships (being one-sided relationships actually, you being the only one in it). Get on the path to healing and keep this person out of your sphere of existence. I wish you peace in your journey toward health (mental well-being).
Thank you so much for taking the time to read all of that- I am a professional writer and an artist…. lol… but without editing first, which I clearly didn’t here, I can get quite tangential (esp. when it comes to emoting).
Since all of this- the chaos of such a monumental move across country… having almost no friends here or gainful employment…. being sick with what seemed to be verging on pneumonia for almost 2.5 months (very uncharacteristic for me)…. losing so much weight (I look good, but I am only lately able to eat every day- when before I was very food/nutrition conscious lol)…. also I am in the south where is it so small, conservative, and the lesbian community doesn’t really exist- in L.A. I was part of the “power lesbian” crowd- active politically…. well known in those circles… and now I can barely get dressed…. I feel hatred for what she has done to me, but then I long to understand what the hell happened….. I can’t imagine finding someone that made me feel that much again… that breaks my heart over and over… and then I wonder what is so missing inside of me that I am deconstructing over this young woman who screwed with my head!? Inside… I so desperately want to find justification for her disconnected behavior… her ability to seemingly lack empathy entirely…. when before she wouldn’t even let me carry groceries inside… was so affectionate…. a great and thorough listener- always able to anchor me and help me remain “logical” (essentially far less emotional- which I am)- she gave unfathomably good/thoughtful advice….. she was terrible about talking about her own feelings, however, when they weren’t anger, boredom, frustration, annoyance, disdain for others being so boring…. OR if she had pissed me off or had gone too far (which she never was over the top or violent the few times things got explosive- I’d always say to her “If you were any more controlled- you’d be a statue.”)- she was quick and effective at being sweet and apologetic too… SO effortlessly endearing. We never stayed in a fight without great resolution more than 2 hours… unless we were apart- almost like out of sight… out of mind for her.
Reading your responses just makes me cry…. I’m in my 30s… I’ve dated all kinds of people, but this one got me to the core, and I was entirely ready to marry her despite the red flags and many obstacles (immigration, money, her cold family- which I only met her little sister- her mother refused to acknowledge me- looked right though me when I introduced myself, and pretended I wasn’t there). To me, until she went back to Canada, the pro’s far outweighed the cons.
I am a very intense person… most people adore me, are intimidated, or hate me…. and she handled me with such ease and serene grace until she abruptly fell apart and seemingly disassociated…. was so DAMN intelligent/BRILLIANT, sensual, funny and gorgeous….. that I felt she was my soul mate and life partner…. my match… I never felt that before. Even my very religious- Christian sister… LOVED my ex… fought for her- encouraged me to go the distance. This was the first GF my sister fully acknowledged, and she WANTED me to marry her too. People were dumbstruck when we walked down the street hand in hand… 2 men even got down on their knee and prostrated themselves- and did the sign of the cross- as if we were Catholic Saints before them!
Everything seemed so magical… and so many doors of sheer fate had to fly open just to stay together for the 13 months we did…. until she went back to her family… and BAM virtually no real explanation- I was just discarded and replaced with her ex (who is a cop). Even though she deleted me off of her facebook directly after posting about social psychopaths……. she still keeps every single picture of us happy together posted on her page- and posts ZERO evidence of the cop…. the cop is even there- commented on her page a couple times in the last 3 months… knows she spent time with me for 2 weeks I was up there… has hundreds of pics posted of us together (I am prof photographer, so…) I am deleted, but the pics remain- 4 months after she left.
Anyway- I am spewing again- as you can see- I am BAFFLED. Before I cut off from contacting her completely (now day 17)… I told her that if she changed her mind about getting therapy, or that she felt she may have Rape Trauma Syndrome (which does have a lot of similarities to psychopathy- except she DEF. is not borderline, A.D.D., and I am reasonably convinced she is not bi-polar)… that I would come up there ONLY if she wanted to pursue therapy. Otherwise I have no choice but to walk away…. because I was sick of her lying, and then lying about lying, because I caught on every time.
Her one liner response was: “I resent that you say I am lying, because I am not (she was). And no offense, but you really have no right to go on as you do. (all my letters she never responded to)”
How does she keep the support of her little sister and her best friend? They always have her back- or so it seems. They help her net and keep the women she goes after…. don’t get it.
Thank you for listening… I think I am going to actually shower now that it is 4pm. I feel pathetic. lol
Dear AmAir, I agree with BJ, you sound wiped out and tired and depressed, and STRESSED (stress will make you physically sick BTW–it wipes your immune system’s response to germs and viruses)
Your X does sound like very much meeting the criteria for psychopath.
1) First I suggest that you Treat yourself well
A)–eat right (make yourself eat tiny meals if you must)
B) REST
C) get a medical check up
2) Get a mental health evaluation for possible medication for depression and/or PTSD
3) Learn about psychopaths, there are 700+ articles here in the archives, under the names of the author or the subject, read them all (just the articles) leave the comments for later for now. Knowledge=power
4) KEEP ON NO CONTACT—that means none, nada, zip, zilch. No following her on FB or Twitter and no talking to her friends about her, or your friends about her unless your friends GET IT that she is a psychopath, if they don’t then talk and blog to US WE GET IT!
5) Forgive yourself—you are not to “blame” for what she did, or what she is. SHE IS. Accept the fact that you cannot, could not CHANGE HER, and she does NOT want to change herself. You are and were simply an OBJECT for her to manipulate.
6) Accept that there are people who are simply 100% selfish and wihtout conscience in this world.
God bless you and hang on to this knowledge—it will be better, it will take TIME, but it will be better and the pain will decrease as understanding and acceptance increase.
I know this is an older post but I had to comment on this one after reading it. I have been lurking here for well over a month now. Reading, reading and reading some more. I can (sadly) relate to what most of you share after being involved with these people.
I quick back ground. I’m in my mid-40’s, divorced with children. I met my ex-S (mid 50’s) online (never do that again!), we lived a couple states away. We talked for 3 months before meeting. I felt like I already really knew him before we actually met. We had great chemistry upon meeting. He was charming, great sense of humor, affectionate, attentive, etc. I did ask him after finally meeting if was still going to continue on the dating site. He informed me he could only focus on one person at a time; so I thought we were on the same page. Long story short. I found out a few weeks later he had met with and spent the week-end with another woman from the dating site. At that point I told him to have a nice life.
About a month later he contacted me. He told me how sorry he was for what he had done. That it wasn’t “planned”; it just happened. He continued to tell me how much he missed communicating with me and wanted another chance. I told him that his misleading me that I was the only person he could focus on while he was still pursuing others was unexceptable. He promised me that he wanted to see only me and that he was scared about his feelings and that he realized that it was because he loved me. He said he never knew what “it” was, that everyone always told him he would know “it” when it happened. And now he knows what “it” is to love someone.
I went back to him eventually, after he kept working on gaining my trust. Things were good for a while UNTIL I sensed a huge shift. I knew something was wrong. I questioned him if his feelings had changed and he told me they had not. So I let it go. Things would go up and then down every couple of months. Yet I could always sense something was not quite right. When I would back off, he would start once again wooing me back in.
The long and the short of it is this. After 4 years with him, yes all long distance, he kept promising a future that he was “working towards” so we could be together; I found out about his lies, and lies to cover lies, and other women. I felt sick! He conned me over and over and over again. I did break up with him quite a few times over the years for him only to put on the charm and pull me back in every time. But the end when all my gut feelings of things being off were confirmed, I wanted to die! I can’t believe he played me the way he did. I am on my way to recovery, its going on 5 months since I ended the madness and went NC. It was hard..I failed a few times. Especially when he told me he didn’t want to be “that kind of person” and he wants a “healthy relationship” and had started seeing a therapist. For a short time I started to waiver and think “just maybe” he will improve. I think the only thing the therapy is doing is showing him how to be better at what he does. He even tried to pretend to cry when I told him that I couldn’t put any more time into “hoping” he would turn around.
Anyway, my point to responding to this post was I always sensed that his “love” for me was based on physical only. He would always stare at me (with those lifeless eyes) and tell me “I like what I see” or “you are so beautiful to me” or “just thinking what a lucky guy I am”, vs just saying “I love you”.
At the end of our relationship, I went back and read all the emails over the years-yes I kept them in a folder. I saw a pattern that blew my mind. When he would go cold and I decided to end things, he would say the same thing to me every single time “I can’t imagine you not in my life”, not how much he loved me or wanted a future with me but that one line every single time! And he also said a quite a few times “I was catching up to you, I know now that I love you”. I couldn’t believe how many times over the 4 years he used that line on me and I didn’t even realize it.
I know I was lied to, cheated on, played, hoovered, gas-lighted more times than I care to admit. He is void of empathy, emotion or any real sense of what the word love means. There was a post on here that I read that summed it up perfectly, he was lie from hello to good-bye…aint that the truth!
So glad to be here, you all have helped me so much through your postings and discussions on these articles–thank you!
Dear Findingmyself,
I’m so glad that you ARE finding yourself…and yes, we have all been wooed back into the webs….over and over again mostly. That is what a psychopath does.
Educating yourself, finding the articles that reach you, that is the best method of healing yourself. Putting those ideas to work inside yourself. It starts out learning about them, and ends up learning about ourselves. It isn’t a short journey, but a life long one to live a healthy life style.
Sort of like “dieting” is getting away from one for a while and losing weight, but the getting back into a poor pattern of eating again with the next one—we have to make a LIFE STYLE CHANGE in OURSELVES to live a healthy life. There is not a magic “diet” to lose weight or get healthy, and there isn’t a “magic” way to recover from a psychopath either, it is LIFE STYLE CHANGE. I can relate to that because I am on a “life style change” where eating is concerned.
Keep on keeping on!
and now for what i affectionately call the ‘EB’ – wjrlwjrlojvldvjlsdkvjnghfoerhgkdnvkjfwfncm.nz?Lpoweitrjnhbn xzqwertghbvcxxcvbnm,./’;lkjhgfdwertyuiop-09876543weyui;/.,mnbx bvcxdfjkl;/vcxrtyuiol;,gfdwjrlwjrlojvldvjlsdkvjnghfoerhgkdnvkjfwfncm.nz?Lpoweitrjnhbn xzqwertghbvcxxcvbnm,./’;lkjhgfdwertyuiop-09876543weyui;/.,mnbx bvcxdfjkl;/vcxrtyuiol;,gfdwjrlwjrlojvldvjlsdkvjnghfoerhgkdnvkjfwfncm.nz?Lpoweitrjnhbn xzqwertghbvcxxcvbnm,./’;lkjhgfdwertyuiop-09876543weyui;/.,mnbx bvcxdfjkl;/vcxrtyuiol;,gfdwjrlwjrlojvldvjlsdkvjnghfoerhgkdnvkjfwfncm.nz?Lpoweitrjnhbn xzqwertghbvcxxcvbnm,./’;lkjhgfdwertyuiop-09876543weyui;/.,mnbx bvcxdfjkl;/vcxrtyuiol;,gfd
I have a sort of different perspective here. I was not conned by a sociopath (well, maybe in my past, but not in this instance), but my new husband … was, a little, to start (and re-start after breaking up with the manipulations, fake fainting, and fake suicide efforts). But, even though he now KNOWS (has proof of) all of the manipulation, lying, and generally ugly way she is raising his kids while she has custody, he still essentially takes her side.
I have been trying to get him to see that pretty much everything she does is an effort to, in drips and tiny threaded drabs, manipulate everyone around her to see her as this “super mom” (high ranking exec).
I see through her every request. Each of which is an effort, from what I can see, to get folks to run circles around her, which they all do — including my new husband!
This has me… really… well, I don’t know what to do. The husband says that their interactions are between them, and “none of my business,” while I’m here, trying to help him raise his [and unfortunately her] kids.
Her affects are yes, tiny, but that’s what I think makes her so insidiously effective. You don’t notice it, until or if you are hyper aware of it and her efforts to get everyone to love her or respect her.
One example. True, it’s TINY. She writes my husband that she’s taken the kids to the doc’s office. “Call me if you want to hear what he said.” Okay… I see that as her efforts again. He could have easily, and if she were “normal” fine, calling is great. But I see this as her efforts to have him, still, spinning around her, as he does. He says yes to her every request. I try to point out that a more normal thing to do (and this is on a day when he + I have plans, so he needs to do things to be able to call her, which he does, and of course she knew that he and I had plans) would have been to write “Hey I took the kids to the docs, everything’s fine.” But no, in my mind, she enjoys forcing any / everyone she can to jump through hoops for her.
On many occasions, if me and either kid has plans, she will lie and say she wants to take one to a spa, that “the only time they have an appointment is this day, can you believe it”. So… it’s really insidious. To me. The husband takes her side, calling me a “conspiracy theorist,” that this is in play.
Anyone else out there a step mom or dad, where your spouse, is still somehow under their spell, in these tiny but annoying ways, even though the spouse has full knowledge of how much they have been lied to and stolen from… ?
I don’t understand, but am hoping to learn more about this condition, how these folks get under their victim’s skin like this. I’ve read from Dr Hare about how after all information has been imparted, everyone pretty much stays the same about their opinions about these people. That those who saw the truth (me) feel like, “See, I could tell that was going on.” The ones who didn’t see it, but weren’t the victim per se, feel like, “Oh really, what’s that all about?” (Nonplussed). And the victims themselves, still see good in the person they know is so bad.
That’s a big paraphrase from Snakes in Suits on this subject. But, I didn’t know I was marrying into this. While I saw her as bad, I didn’t know how bad until I heard and saw more and more, and started investigating.
Anyway, as I said, I’d love to read more / hear more from folks who somehow might have successfully navigated this raising step kids, and dealing with a new spouse, when this something-path is hovering around, knowing everyone I [am still trying to get to] know, etc.
I’m really… having a hard time with this. I hope to hear / learn more! Thank you so much for creating and contributing to this site, I really appreciate it. 🙂
newstepmom,
You probably don’t want to hear this and you won’t believe it, but I think your husband is triangulating you with her. In other words, he knows exactly how this is affecting you and he likes it.
I thought my mom and dad were saintly people. But now I see that they try to triangulate their kids around them. They know that my brother and sister are spaths and that they would as soon kill me as look at me, but they refuse to protect me because the like it. They know it’s an outrage, but they percieve that as control.
Newstepmom, often times we love people who are only pretening to love us back. What they really want is drama and control. Your job is to protect yourself and nobody else. Once you have that perspective, they won’t be able to touch you.
skylar, thank you so much for your response. I really appreciate your perspective. 🙂
Your situation with parents, and siblings, sounds so much harder than what I am facing, but not knowing how much I was getting into until now, I am pretty aghast that this is the case.
My husband, just now on the phone, actually acknowledged that those tiny call-requests were threads of her continued manipulations of him, which is good/interesting. He also said he’d say yes to me for some weeks, without doubt, so I could let him know what I see at each turn of hers. I’m hopeful, [potentially foolishly?] that he will begin to understand a smidge more that I’m wholly on his and his kids’ side, which I believe already he inherently believes. But that after some weeks he will more immediately see her manipulations for what they are and, like for kids trying hard to get attention (as I see her, except often really cruelly), if resolutely ignored, they will taper off.
She is re-married (to her ex boss, with whom she was having an affair for 1+ years while lying daily to my husband and her kids), so she at least has very many other opportunities. I just hope she doesn’t kind of explode somehow if my husband ignores her more and more. She’s an exec, she sees her husband only on weekends (works out of town) and has the kids half the week (and unfortunately his on some days), so she has plenty of other opportunities, which I hope sate her once / if my husband can come through on this request of mine.
At least he says he sees the point of it. So, at this very early juncture, at least I’m looking forward to seeing what happens….
Thank you for your tips, skylar, I know that your recommendation is truly the answer. It’s hard for me to see how alone I may need to be in this situation, but I’m so glad there is a place to turn even if just here with the folks here. Again, I’m so happy I found this site.
Thanks again, very much. 🙂
Dear Newstepmom,
I hate to think that Skylar is right, but whether or not he is doing it DELIBERATELY or whether it is just his STYLE of functioning in his dysfunction, this is not a healthy relationship between you and him is my opinion.
I can see that you would not KNOW what kind of situation you were marrying into, but I SEE YOUR ASSESSMENT OF HER AS RIGHT ON—-MANIPULATOR, and from your description he is playing along with her, and doesn’t understand where you are coming from.
The TRIANGLE play of RESCUER, PERSECUTOR and VICTIM with the three of you playing the different parts, you “persecute” her by saying she is manipulating him/the kids/you so HE must “RESCUE” her who is the “victim” Of YOU the “meanine” person that you are, and around and around it goes, where it stops is in divorce court unless you can side track it before then.
I STRONGLY suggest that the two of you go to counseling and if he is not willing to go, then you go yourself and learn how to either cope with living with this or to decide that if he isn’t going to function better then you need to walk away before it gets worse. I wish I could tell you that he will “see” what YOU SEE, but trying to convince someone else who is being manipulated is almost impossible until THEY DECIDE to see for themselves. In the meantime, stick around here there is lots of great reading and information here for you as well. You are just in the LINE OF FIRE from her and until he cooperates with you, you will just keep taking bullets. Sorry.