Although we think of love as an emotion, it is really more like a drive. Emotions come and go, whereas drives, like love, tend to persist. All emotions are associated with distinct facial expressions, whereas love is not. Love (like all of the basic drives I have discussed in this blog) is difficult to control. Furthermore, the most recent scientific research indicates that all drives, including love, are associated with activation of the brain pathway called the mesolimbic dopamine pathway.
Attraction: the first stage of love
Love, like other drives, is associated with wanting to get something. That something we are talking about here is a partner. The first stage of love, then, involves seeking out a partner. Scientists have called this the attraction phase. It is important for each person to understand how the attraction phase works within himself/herself. There are both conscious and unconscious parts to attraction.
The attraction phase involves the senses, primarily sight and smell. There may be chemicals that activate the brain through smell that we are not consciously aware of. Similarly, we may like the way someone looks and not be sure why. Our conscious mind and unconscious mind may be looking for different things in a partner. The unconscious mind plays a big role in our partner selection process.
It is important to realize that we can be taken over and captivated by attraction. Some of the symptoms of attraction or falling in love are “butterflies in the stomach,” clammy hands and racing heart. These symptoms are direct evidence of the physical nature of the love drive.
There is pleasure associated with getting the objects of our drives. In the brain, this pleasure involves many important chemicals like dopamine and the endorphins. Contact with the lover is also pleasurable because it releases oxytocin. This chemical produces reward by calming us down. (It doesn’t matter that it is the lover’s fault that we need calming.) Oxytocin is a powerful, natural anti-anxiety chemical.
The attraction phase usually lasts no more than 18 months. The reason for this is that it is too consuming. People have to be able to function, and when our energies are over focused on a lover, we aren’t as productive in other areas. Furthermore, the attraction phase has only one purpose. That is to get us hooked. When the pleasure chemicals and anxiety relieving chemicals are released in the brain, a compulsion is formed. That compulsion is to be with the lover. So the love that starts out as pleasure in the company of the lover becomes a compulsion. When the compulsion phase sets in, we feel compelled to stay with our lover no matter what. That is when we know “bonding” has taken place.
So the stages of love basically involve attraction, followed by great pleasure, followed by bonding. I would add a fourth stage, caretaking. Normal people feel an urge to take care of others toward whom they feel bonded.
Sociopaths and love
Ability to love, then, involves attraction, pleasure, bonding and caretaking. How is the sociopath’s experience of love different from what I have described? First, I never met a sociopath who did not do exactly what he/she wanted. I have to conclude from this that the attraction phase operates relatively normally in the sociopath. In fact, many sociopaths hang around only as long as the attraction phase lasts. There is evidence that emotional arousal is abnormal in sociopaths. So I would also assume they experience the pleasures of attraction without the “butterflies.”
It is blatantly obvious that sociopaths do not bond in the usual sense. Their love drive is thus stuck in the attraction gear and they can go no further than attraction. But don’t stop there! As the sociopath experienced the pleasures of his/her latest object of attraction, his/her drive for conquest was also activated.
The sociopath simultaneously experiences pleasure in attraction and pleasure in conquest or power. In other words, although the sociopath cannot form a love bond, he/she can acquire a possession which he/she strongly believes belongs to him/her.
If I enjoy something and I work very hard to get that thing, it is mine! I feel entitled to something I enjoy and work for. That thing also should keep giving me pleasure and satisfaction in order to stay wanted. If a possession is no longer pleasant and appealing to me, I throw it in the garbage. Now, if someone breaks in and tries to steal my possessions, I am angry and feel violated. Does any of this sound familiar?
Unlike the caretaking of the true love bond, the caretaking behavior of sociopaths is only self serving. I take care of my stuff because I have to. If I want people to envy me, I make the outside of my house look good and wax my car. Then people driving by see the great looking house with the new car in the driveway and think I really have it made. My stuff gives me status. If I don’t take care of my stuff, my status goes down.
So again we see that although sociopaths have a rudimentary love drive, in the end their drives are all about power and status. Don’t be fooled by the occasional care taking behavior, it is not motivated by empathy or a true love bond.
beware the one who cares tooo much for your children. my twenty years ago spath/pedophile took my kids away from me while i worked all the time. (he was wonderful with the kids, i thought i was soo lucky) til i found out he was molesting my daughter…prior to that i had noticed he was always the rewards guy- always the one giving them the toys, the happy trips, leaving the hard stuff for me. at one point i realized my kids only minded me when he told them to. that was a massively horrible eye-opening experience; i started rebuilding things and ousting him and then came the wonderful revelation.
however. things had already proceeded so far that – and bear with me here- he had planted a belief in my daughter’s young being, that she should be the leading lady of the house…including making decisions, bossing people, all that….lol.
and the thing is that she became subltly very competitive with me, her mother.
Divide and conquer- to an unimaginable level…same-sex competitiveness, jealousy, the whole realm there. not something in my persona, nor my familial patterns ever. but very definitely in his… i set about “fly-fishing” to retrieve my daughter & her love & trust…and to keep her from leaving home at fifteen, when he went to jail. (this was all from the late 80’s to early 90’s & there was little /no mainstream awareness of dealing with sociopathic types then, and he could “handle” brilliant beautiful attorneys with one hand tied behind his back)
it is only now that i see the long-term ramifications of this. when my daughter’s daughter was 2, her father jokingly told her to go call mommy a “b”. jokingly…poor taste, but still a joke. and my daughter massively overreacted. and from that little “trigger” came an onslaught of little dynamics that sublty eroded the granddaughter’s/daughter’s relationship, all without my daughter’s awareness of all this too. it became a normal-but-troubled relationship, not obviously, but you could just feel it. i hung around, as a sort of buffer, not even realizing i also was triggering “schtuff” for my daughter, who also didn’t realize.
until other massively traumatic events happened, at which point she succumbed to internal stresses to the point that my 29-yr old type a personality little hard working, climbing the corporate ladder healthy daughter suddenly collapsed, turned into a physically 90 year old and couldn’t even walk up stairs.
and was in intense chronic pain. diagnosed with fibromyalgia.
at the pain clinic where they did a very thorough intake, the doctor stated that ever single chronic pain/fibromyalgia patient he had — had a history of molestation as a child. 100%.
and counselors? omg. they are just clueless, at least in the midwestern part of the country or the ones we have found.
after a divorce, a succession of little life shipwrecks, and the realization she had married a “soul-sucker” herself (N) ..my daughter is dealing with her issues in a very determined way, just falls down again at certain crucial points. i have been close to keep an eye on the developing relationship with her daughter, and only lately realized the extent of internal stress just my presence causes (we do love each other a tremendous amount)
now she is again engaged, and is moving far away from me, and the move is causing huge meltdowns for both of us.
lol.
thanks for listening! 100,000th meltdown here! love you guys for being here, it has been a long and lonely path for me! i surf on here, and try to say little, the explosion of awareness of these people is almost keeping up with the damage they do (not!) but it is so great to not think i really am queen of paranoia & all by myself anymore!!
Carriesguns,
I am so sorry for both your daughter and you, and even her daughter. The pain continues to flow down the generations….you (and she) are not alone however, in this…there are many of us walking as best we can the pathway toward healing, stumbling sometimes, or falling down, but getting up to keep on going, moving, traveling toward that bright light in the distance. God bless.
Thank you Dr. Leedom for this post. I am sorting out why I thought I loved this abusive and cruel man.
The final stage of love…was never reached. His small acts of caring were fleeting and fake. The lack of caring behavior, kept me in spiritual turmoil through the whole sordid affair. He portrayed the attraction, pleasure and bonding phases with such precision that it is worthy of a Broadway performer’s recognition. I am going to learn what real love is…before I ever attempt it again. I will not open my life up again till I heal. In a healed state…my being will be antimatter for a spath. I am cavedwelling ….. till that time comes.
Blue
Thanks to Dr Leedom for this helpful information. I am struggling to accept that a year of my life has been ransacked by a maniac. His stalking is motivated by what Dr Leedom describes here. I am a possession in his mind. Even my attempts to get free seem to give him sick pleasure as if it just presents a fun challenge to hook me again. The thought of seeing him again of being alone with him terrifies me. I think after making clear this morning on the phone I know what he is, a rapist and a pathological liar, that he wants to kill me.
This is an excellent article. I have never had 18 months of the good as it suggests. I’ve been lucky to have 18 weeks and much less than that from both sociopaths with whom I was in “relationships.”
Tea Light: I am thinking of you today. I truly know the hours, days and weeks of trauma after dealing with a sociopath even one upsetting time. It sounds like you had a very upsetting conversation with a violent criminal who believes you are his possession as you state. I know for sure that if I did not have to have contact with mine for financial reasons, I would change my phone number and get it unlisted in a second. I hope you will pamper yourself as the trauma of your conversation with him today works on your nerves over the next few days. Very stressful for you today. Fight.
Thanks so much fight, I’m pretty shaken but I’ve got a lot of it out in my journal and through posting and talking to bbe and 4light earlier, what I need to get back to is where I was at a couple of weeks ago after a solid 3 months NC, feeling positive, making plans for the summer, setting some acheivable goals. Even small things like finishing a book or a needlepoint lavender bag gave me a feeling of peace and satisfaction. Then this call from the abuser…like a grenade being thrown at me. All I can do is accept and let time pass. All I see now is how dangerous this man is to those he dupes into relationships and to his children. I cannot let this ruin my life, I have to get one, two months of nc behind me again. It works.
Tea Light,
I am sorry you are going through this anxiety after speaking to your abuser.I hope your peaceful life can resume.
I’m grateful for the 7 monthes of NC with spath.But,he is another one of those that views his mate as “property;possession”.So far he hasn’t given up on the idea that he can worm his way back into my life.He has gone from using his wheelchair to using his rollator so that he can get around easier.He calls my father constantly in hopes of getting tidbits of information.Not happening.My friends are careful talking around him,but I swear his ears grow whenever they’re talking!I miss ONE meeting at our congregation,and he acts all CONCERNED!It’s a show,AND he just wants to be “in the know”.I’m doing my best not to let that happen!
Stay strong Blossom, 7 months is a great acheivement, it’s obviously working wonders for you. I felt clear minded and like myself again before this. Physically much stronger too, I had my appetite back, wanted steak and chicken for dinner not just soup or just something to keep myself going. This man is poison. His sickness his lies the memories of his abuse of me just poison my life. No contact day one .
Blossom I wanted to know if you think the following is gaslighting. It was really driving me crazy last night. One time the abuser and I were having a conversation about food. Pretty much his only topic of conversation after sex his mother and ranting enviously about people with houses and gardens ( he lives in a small apartment). This was very early after meeting him. I asked him what his favorite meal was. He said steak, which he likes raw , not even ‘rare’. I said I like some pepper on mine when I’m cooking it. Abuser immediately said “no. I don’t like pepper. I can’t eat hot spices they are not good for my health” He meant he doesn’t like ” foreign” food basically I later realised as he is a racist. Anyway without skipping a beat he continued ” I tell you what sauce I love with steak I always have itif I order steak in my neighbourhood restaurant, pepper sauce! It’s delicious!” What?? Is that gaslighting Blossom?
Tea Light,
It sure sounds like gaslighting to me!I never knew that term until coming to Lovefraud;I always called it “mind games”.I told my husband I knew he was deliberately playing mind games with me,trying to “mess” with my mind.He never denied it!
It went around and around my mind last night. I know he said exactly what I wrote above. I don’t like pepper, I love pepper. Honestly my heart goes out to anyone who had to endure that kind of thing it really would drive you insane. It’s just evil if it’s deliberate.
I am so glad to read this article and many others. The mind is complex…and for me, hard to believe that a certain mental illness can be diagnosed on many different people. In an abuse relationship with a sociopath, a normal person will blame themselves. I made him behave this way, I have to work harder to earn his love, trust and respect. But in the end, nothing comes out of it…just emptiness, void, knots in your stomach. And then the abuser has a sterling moment where he’s kind and attentive to you (for his selfish purpose)and you become elated with him thinking its going to last…until he elusively reveals his selfish use for you. And thats the cycle. I understand. I was with one.
I found this link, earlier today and wanted to share it with all of you. I hope you may find this useful. Blessings to you all…….
http://datingasociopath.com/2013/03/23/how-the-sociopath-follows-the-pattern-of-idealise-devalue-and-discard/
Tea Light sounds like you are doing better. I’m glad to see that. Like you I’d love to hear from Blossom. 3 or 4 years ago I had never heard of NPD, gaslighting, and most of the concepts we discuss here regularly. As I learn about each of the components that make up the obnoxious interactions we have endured I often have this moment of ” oh that’s what you call it ” – because I had experienced it already, but I didn’t know exactly how to explain it or what it was called. Example – While we were dating I found a small box with what seemed like sentimental or personal items- a child’s letter, pictures of her sister, ect, and something with her and her ex’s names on on it. Btw her ex was a constant issue between us even then. When I told her it bothered me she said she would get rid of it. When I found it over a month later and confronted her she immediately said ” Stay Out of My Stuff ! ” She had reacted so fast that she didn’t check herself, which is extremely rare. When I reacted to her stay out of my stuff comment she without blinking said ” I didn’t say that. I’m not like that. I would never say that. Anyone that knows me knows I would never say that. This was immediate. She was adamant. It was quite bizarre. While I never doubted my perception, as I was very clear on what was just said, I guess I must have accepted that she honestly believed what she was saying and we moved on. I never forgot it though, or doubted myself. When I discovered gaslighting I knew immediately that’s what I had experienced, and sadly it was not the only time or the only person that has tried this on me. Sometimes it can seem very subtle, and you may not be sure. Often times it is woven into truths, spun, and flipped over with a lot of other info to distract you. It just happened to me the other day with someone who had even before that made my radar go up. Look I hope my instincts are off with this guy, but I can’t afford to let my guard down. Other times I had no doubt what the person was doing, and you know what Tea – It protected me. I mean my mind, my sanity, literally. I was really struggling at the time, and if I had not known about and recognized gaslighting, it may have sent me over the edge. If you haven’t researched it lately, go back to gaslighting and refresh. This is a vile and deliberate attempt to make you doubt your reality, and it is very dangerous. I hope this helps.
Thanks so much 4light for the reassurance, it reallt was a very unpleasant recollection. Like you when it happened I did not have the vocabulary or knowledge of these abuse strategies to name it , so it worked – I felt thoroughly confused , anxious, I questioned briefly if he was mentally unwell and then just repressed that thought as the lovebombing was overwhelming at that stage and he was mirroring me day and night for months. I just didn’t see what was going on until it was too late basically. Which of course is what most of us share in our experiencea with these abusers.
Apologies if you have posted on this subject and I’ve missed that post but is it not feasible to divorce this woman 4light? It sounds a stressful and tense situation. That can’t be easy health wise for you?