Although we think of love as an emotion, it is really more like a drive. Emotions come and go, whereas drives, like love, tend to persist. All emotions are associated with distinct facial expressions, whereas love is not. Love (like all of the basic drives I have discussed in this blog) is difficult to control. Furthermore, the most recent scientific research indicates that all drives, including love, are associated with activation of the brain pathway called the mesolimbic dopamine pathway.
Attraction: the first stage of love
Love, like other drives, is associated with wanting to get something. That something we are talking about here is a partner. The first stage of love, then, involves seeking out a partner. Scientists have called this the attraction phase. It is important for each person to understand how the attraction phase works within himself/herself. There are both conscious and unconscious parts to attraction.
The attraction phase involves the senses, primarily sight and smell. There may be chemicals that activate the brain through smell that we are not consciously aware of. Similarly, we may like the way someone looks and not be sure why. Our conscious mind and unconscious mind may be looking for different things in a partner. The unconscious mind plays a big role in our partner selection process.
It is important to realize that we can be taken over and captivated by attraction. Some of the symptoms of attraction or falling in love are “butterflies in the stomach,” clammy hands and racing heart. These symptoms are direct evidence of the physical nature of the love drive.
There is pleasure associated with getting the objects of our drives. In the brain, this pleasure involves many important chemicals like dopamine and the endorphins. Contact with the lover is also pleasurable because it releases oxytocin. This chemical produces reward by calming us down. (It doesn’t matter that it is the lover’s fault that we need calming.) Oxytocin is a powerful, natural anti-anxiety chemical.
The attraction phase usually lasts no more than 18 months. The reason for this is that it is too consuming. People have to be able to function, and when our energies are over focused on a lover, we aren’t as productive in other areas. Furthermore, the attraction phase has only one purpose. That is to get us hooked. When the pleasure chemicals and anxiety relieving chemicals are released in the brain, a compulsion is formed. That compulsion is to be with the lover. So the love that starts out as pleasure in the company of the lover becomes a compulsion. When the compulsion phase sets in, we feel compelled to stay with our lover no matter what. That is when we know “bonding” has taken place.
So the stages of love basically involve attraction, followed by great pleasure, followed by bonding. I would add a fourth stage, caretaking. Normal people feel an urge to take care of others toward whom they feel bonded.
Sociopaths and love
Ability to love, then, involves attraction, pleasure, bonding and caretaking. How is the sociopath’s experience of love different from what I have described? First, I never met a sociopath who did not do exactly what he/she wanted. I have to conclude from this that the attraction phase operates relatively normally in the sociopath. In fact, many sociopaths hang around only as long as the attraction phase lasts. There is evidence that emotional arousal is abnormal in sociopaths. So I would also assume they experience the pleasures of attraction without the “butterflies.”
It is blatantly obvious that sociopaths do not bond in the usual sense. Their love drive is thus stuck in the attraction gear and they can go no further than attraction. But don’t stop there! As the sociopath experienced the pleasures of his/her latest object of attraction, his/her drive for conquest was also activated.
The sociopath simultaneously experiences pleasure in attraction and pleasure in conquest or power. In other words, although the sociopath cannot form a love bond, he/she can acquire a possession which he/she strongly believes belongs to him/her.
If I enjoy something and I work very hard to get that thing, it is mine! I feel entitled to something I enjoy and work for. That thing also should keep giving me pleasure and satisfaction in order to stay wanted. If a possession is no longer pleasant and appealing to me, I throw it in the garbage. Now, if someone breaks in and tries to steal my possessions, I am angry and feel violated. Does any of this sound familiar?
Unlike the caretaking of the true love bond, the caretaking behavior of sociopaths is only self serving. I take care of my stuff because I have to. If I want people to envy me, I make the outside of my house look good and wax my car. Then people driving by see the great looking house with the new car in the driveway and think I really have it made. My stuff gives me status. If I don’t take care of my stuff, my status goes down.
So again we see that although sociopaths have a rudimentary love drive, in the end their drives are all about power and status. Don’t be fooled by the occasional care taking behavior, it is not motivated by empathy or a true love bond.
“The attraction phase usually lasts no more than 18 months”
Very interesting that it will last about that time frame. One I guess would call that the “honeymoon” stage that can last to a year or so. So after this “honeymoon” i.e. attraction phase we began to behave normally and then some see us as more or less like we really are. Some behavior patterns that might be repressed and controlled began to show itself. I believe sociopaths understand this “attraction phase” and then use it to pull you in hook line and sinker. This also explains why many are in a rush to move the relationship along quickly. They know there is a “time line”. Once under control then the mask comes off and the real people (if you can call them that?) stands before you. It is more then enough time to place traps hooks or whatever like moving in together or buying a home, sharing a business or money accounts. God forbid having a child. 18+ months is a long time for those that know how to use it to control one as a object possession. Still if one is educated and learn to look or feel for red flags and I do believe we will see them. We just need to remember to look (feel) for them and try to be as un-judgmental and open as one can be. One thing concerning red flags is that I try not to “look” for them but instead just allow them to happen over a natural course of time. If one tries to look for something we always find it even if it isn’t there.
Very interesting thread and thanks!
Dear James,
Very good points about not “looking for” the Red Flags, but NOTICE THEM IF THEY ARISE. And, if they are there, they WILL arise I am sure. My P-XBF was flying them high in the first four months, and I did see them, but pushed them off, excused them, tried to ignore them, push down my gut feelings as much as I could–anything to keep from acknowledging what my gut was telling me. It was too TOO painful to admit that he was a FAKE—but within 4 months he got comfortable that he had me HOOKED so the verbal snide remarks started coming more often, the anger outbursts which I tried to “fix”—by not doing anything to “make him” angry—how self demeaning I was—anything to hold on to the FANTASY that he wasn’t a fake.
One day it hit me like a ton of bricks. My husband had only one “buddy” or “friend” that I did not like, in fact, detested. They had been “buddies” for 30 plus years and the guy happened to have moved to the area my husband and Imoved back to (my home area) and accidently found each other again and so he started to come over all the time. Plus, we started going to his house, etc. It wasn’t long before we grated on each other’s nerves and he was vocal to my husband how I was an “uppity” woman and that my husband should get “control” over me like he had over HIS WIFE.
Well, eventually, before my husband died, this man’s wife FLEW THE COOP, broke the bars of her enslavement and left him. Oh, the pooor POOOOOOR VICTIM he was, he now was ALONE. POOOOOR HIM. Then after my husband died he was such a JERK the day before the memorial service I almost had to throw him out of my home. Blaming me for my husband’s death. Anyway, this man was despicable and I despised him no end. But while I was crying from another abuse by my now-X BF-P, my son and I drove by the freeway turn off to this “friend’s” home, and it SNAPPED that my BF was JUST LIKE HIM. That they were “twin brothers”—neither respected anyone, especially women, and all they wanted women for were sex and adoration and to wait on themm hand and foot, to provide a “home” for them and bow and scrape. That was when I absolutely KNEW that my BF was a P, uncaring, a TOTAL LIE.
It is amazing sometimes that things come to us in “flashes” like that that are so OBVIOUS that we cannot ignore them. Nomatter how we want to ignore them. We have to face that it is a FACT, and though we weep for our “loss” we have to accept that we can’t fix it, we have “been had.” That realization as I passed that freeway exit was like a “message from God” telling me the ABSOLUTE TRUTH, giving me an example I could not “brush away” like a cob web. It HIT ME IN THE FACE like a bucket of cold water.
The ONLY route I had to stop the pain from going on forever was to KICK THE P TO THE CURB….and it was like cutting off my own arm or leg in order to save my life. It was PAINFUL BUT NECESSARY, like a surgery for cancer—and I had to do it with a dull, rusty butcher knife without any anestethic, but it was all that would save my life, my soul and my sanity and STOP the pain. But it was worth it.
James & Ox–Your points are so right on! My ex S and I moved in together after only dating for six months. Now he is engaged. He has known her since the end of December and got engaged within one month of meeting her. While we were together I saw the red flags, I was actually tripping on them, but I kept getting back up. He explained away each and every flag and I believed him. Eventually, I just exhausted myself. There have been red flags for his new victim, but she is not seeing them. For example, he resigned from his job because he was stealing money. I believe she only knows what he is telling her. Sometimes it still doesn’t seem real that he is this way. I see all the destruction that he causes, but I still can’t believe what I am seeing.
I have been reading a number of articles on this site and they are really good. They make me think. I asked my counselor the other day–why can’t I let go? I don’t love him and I don’t want to be with him, but I can’t let go. I actually still think about having sex with him and it makes me sick thinking about him having sex with someone else. If I said this to anyone that would think I was crazy, but I don’t think that here–among friends. Also, I have to take one day at a time with NC. I have children so this is difficult. I try to communicate only by email and text messaging, but it is hard. If I do speak to him I try to keep it about the kids. When does this get easier? Each day I need to consciously not communicate with him and I get so anger when I think of things he did to me and my family. I am moving in a forward direction, but I am still stuck. Right now, I am trying to get my house ready to sell and I am moving closer to my family, about 20 minutes away. This is going to be a war with my ex, but I have to do this for myself and for the betterment of my kids. I don’t think they will see the benefit at first and I am not sure how much my ex S will try to manipulate my kids. He is going to be enraged because of his lack of control over me and the kids. I am really afraid he may try to take the kids from me. He will make it difficult for me.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to ramble, but I guess I needed to vent.
Dear Ginger,
YOur concerns about “attacks” from him because he loses control is valid. They are all about control.
I know it must be tough having to have any contact with him and him having contact with your kids, knowing what you know about him.
When does it get easier? I wish I could tell you a number, or a day. Unfortunately it is different for each of us, depending on how much we know, how “bad” the P is, our support, etc.
Knowledge=Power though, Ginger, and I suggest that you keep on gaining knowledge, through here and other places, learning all you can about how a psychopath “thinks” and “works” on us. Keep your EXTERNAL cool, and try not to “provoke” him, or get into power fights with him. Pick your battles, and don’t let him get a reaction when he pushes your buttons. YOu may have to become “the world’s greatest actress” but it is for the benefit of your children.
I am glad that you are seeing a counselor, and I hope to goodness that your counselor “gets it” about the psychopaths.
Their ability to lie and manipulate “free form” and not have any consideration for “us” makes you at a disadvantage when dealing with them. I hate to say this but you may have to learn to be as much of a manipulator and an actress and a “fake” as he is in order to “work” him for your children’s benefit.
First, realize that he is EVIL and that anything he does is for HIS gratification, your humiliation, and his PERCEIVED POWER.
Act like you don’t want to move but you HAVE TO, apologize to him, debase yourself, but don’t let him catch on that you are “working” him, so take it slowly. Many times they will try to push your buttons by “losing” the kids’ clothes, bringing them in late, or not picking them up at all. I wouldn’t even act like I “noticed” these jabs. They are for attention and to try to “start a fight.” If you ignore them they may get worse, or they may cease all together.
He will PRIMARILY, I think, use the kids as pawns in the game to push your buttons.
Also, I hope you have a good lawyer, that is another thing they will do is keep you in legal limbo and bankrupt you in the courts if they can.
Good luck, Ginger, and “keep the faith”–these Ps are evil, and unfeeling, except for revenge, rage, etc. and they just love to push your buttons.
My advise may not be the best, but think about various ways to “work” him—being honest and up front with him and him being the lying sack ofpoo that he is, he will turn it around on you. Just whatever you do, BE CAUTIOUS. (((hugs)))
I have such mixed feelings about my ex-cheater bf.. just like Ginger above, it actually makes me sick to think about him with another woman. I loved him with all his faults, and I’ve had a horrible time letting go even though I know it is for the best. Today I got so sick over it I just had to crawl in bed for a while.
kat- it hurt’s bad – real bad – if your going through Hell keep on going – we are here for you…….and you WILL survive….and the pain will stop—someday—-just take care of your health please, there is not alot you can do for the pain you are in now except go through it…and please realize this is a life lesson – don’t fail it….
I am experiencing huuuuge depression. was discarded by my S 6 weeks ago. He had even conned a shrink who kept telling ME I WAS in the wrong when I doubted this man’s comittment. How sickening.
I have left my job and the state in which I resided for 10 years. Have no money..No insurance. Staying with friend in one room apt in a major city.
Need job- how can I even function?
Losing my mind. Have no kids.
Any advice?
What if I do not survive this pure/raw evil?
Akitameg, you have no choice but to survive. You are all you have left. There are geat people on this site, and some of their wisdom and insight has helped me maintain a (tenuous) grip on reality. Read all the blogs on here, and know that you are not alone in this. There are decent caring people out there. All of the people on this site have been affected by a sociopath in one way or another. Its through other people sharing their stories that I am managing to put my own situation in perspective.
I have been maintaining a blog on my myspace page, sharing my thoughts and feelings, and sharing any advice i find on how to cope. I dont alow people to comment on it because of my ex, but if there is anything that can help on there then I am glad.
http://www.myspace.com/bigdude
There are a great many caring individuals on here, listen to them, take what tips you can from them, and try to rebuild. I am about 6 weeks out of my relationship, after being together for 7 years. I understand what you are feeling as does everybody on here. I have been helped here and you will too.
Good luck
hi everyone. my internet has been off, but i’ve been doing okay (as i certainly hope all my friends here are!) …
until TODAY!!!
so, NC for 14 weeks. this morning i see a call come in as UNAVAILABLE. i know it’s him. i’ve been able to ‘feel’ his energy lately. i don’t answer. he leaves a message. ready for this? :
”hi baby, it’s W. i need a favor but not like you think. uh…it’s important that i speak to you. you know, i don’t have anything against you at all. as a matter of fact, i hope you and your new boyfriend (I DON’T HAVE ONE!) are well and life is treating you good. but i need your advice. i don’t know where you’re at with me, but you know, i gravitate toward you when things are bad, and trust me (YEA RIGHT!), they’re bad. so, call me back on my cell. it’s important. you’re the only one i can talk to right now.”
my initial reaction? where does he find the BALLS, GUMPTION, GALL, whatever, to even dial my phone number? then, i think about it. about the 20 years i had his back, took care of him, loved him. i think about how we laughed, and loved, and how sexually attracted we were to eachother.
then i think about how he destroyed my entire being: my self-esteem, my heart, my love, my sanity. how he got a girl half my age pregnant while he was living with me, and lied about it for months and months, blaming me, and emotionally abusing me. no apologies, no discussion. i was dumped.
i didn’t call him back. but i’m feeling guilt about it. i’ve never turned my back to him when he was in need. even when we didn’t live in the same city. i was always there for him. i guess that was part of the problem.
okay, friends. so WHAT DOES HE WANT?
do i have any reason whatsoever to feel guilty?
if i don’t call him back, will he leave me alone?
thanks for your input.
LOstingrief, I am waiting for my ex-soc to pull that one on me, and I hope she never does. I had to call her today so I waited till I knew she was in class and called her cell phone. That way I could just leave a message. I told her not to call me (she cant afford to anyway now) but she needs to e-mail me something regarding a jont business venture. I want her release on it.
She is going to tweak me around about it, I already know this.
But, if she calls me like you ex did to you I already know what to say. The trouble is in making them angry. Have to be careful there, my ex is a fruitloop, she could actually be capable of anything.
If he calls back do not answer. And keep not answering. We become addicted to these people. And a habit is hard to break. Believe me, I know.