Although we think of love as an emotion, it is really more like a drive. Emotions come and go, whereas drives, like love, tend to persist. All emotions are associated with distinct facial expressions, whereas love is not. Love (like all of the basic drives I have discussed in this blog) is difficult to control. Furthermore, the most recent scientific research indicates that all drives, including love, are associated with activation of the brain pathway called the mesolimbic dopamine pathway.
Attraction: the first stage of love
Love, like other drives, is associated with wanting to get something. That something we are talking about here is a partner. The first stage of love, then, involves seeking out a partner. Scientists have called this the attraction phase. It is important for each person to understand how the attraction phase works within himself/herself. There are both conscious and unconscious parts to attraction.
The attraction phase involves the senses, primarily sight and smell. There may be chemicals that activate the brain through smell that we are not consciously aware of. Similarly, we may like the way someone looks and not be sure why. Our conscious mind and unconscious mind may be looking for different things in a partner. The unconscious mind plays a big role in our partner selection process.
It is important to realize that we can be taken over and captivated by attraction. Some of the symptoms of attraction or falling in love are “butterflies in the stomach,” clammy hands and racing heart. These symptoms are direct evidence of the physical nature of the love drive.
There is pleasure associated with getting the objects of our drives. In the brain, this pleasure involves many important chemicals like dopamine and the endorphins. Contact with the lover is also pleasurable because it releases oxytocin. This chemical produces reward by calming us down. (It doesn’t matter that it is the lover’s fault that we need calming.) Oxytocin is a powerful, natural anti-anxiety chemical.
The attraction phase usually lasts no more than 18 months. The reason for this is that it is too consuming. People have to be able to function, and when our energies are over focused on a lover, we aren’t as productive in other areas. Furthermore, the attraction phase has only one purpose. That is to get us hooked. When the pleasure chemicals and anxiety relieving chemicals are released in the brain, a compulsion is formed. That compulsion is to be with the lover. So the love that starts out as pleasure in the company of the lover becomes a compulsion. When the compulsion phase sets in, we feel compelled to stay with our lover no matter what. That is when we know “bonding” has taken place.
So the stages of love basically involve attraction, followed by great pleasure, followed by bonding. I would add a fourth stage, caretaking. Normal people feel an urge to take care of others toward whom they feel bonded.
Sociopaths and love
Ability to love, then, involves attraction, pleasure, bonding and caretaking. How is the sociopath’s experience of love different from what I have described? First, I never met a sociopath who did not do exactly what he/she wanted. I have to conclude from this that the attraction phase operates relatively normally in the sociopath. In fact, many sociopaths hang around only as long as the attraction phase lasts. There is evidence that emotional arousal is abnormal in sociopaths. So I would also assume they experience the pleasures of attraction without the “butterflies.”
It is blatantly obvious that sociopaths do not bond in the usual sense. Their love drive is thus stuck in the attraction gear and they can go no further than attraction. But don’t stop there! As the sociopath experienced the pleasures of his/her latest object of attraction, his/her drive for conquest was also activated.
The sociopath simultaneously experiences pleasure in attraction and pleasure in conquest or power. In other words, although the sociopath cannot form a love bond, he/she can acquire a possession which he/she strongly believes belongs to him/her.
If I enjoy something and I work very hard to get that thing, it is mine! I feel entitled to something I enjoy and work for. That thing also should keep giving me pleasure and satisfaction in order to stay wanted. If a possession is no longer pleasant and appealing to me, I throw it in the garbage. Now, if someone breaks in and tries to steal my possessions, I am angry and feel violated. Does any of this sound familiar?
Unlike the caretaking of the true love bond, the caretaking behavior of sociopaths is only self serving. I take care of my stuff because I have to. If I want people to envy me, I make the outside of my house look good and wax my car. Then people driving by see the great looking house with the new car in the driveway and think I really have it made. My stuff gives me status. If I don’t take care of my stuff, my status goes down.
So again we see that although sociopaths have a rudimentary love drive, in the end their drives are all about power and status. Don’t be fooled by the occasional care taking behavior, it is not motivated by empathy or a true love bond.
Ox Drover
Dear Bird and LIG, yea they think they OWN US, and that “power trip” is what it is all about. Bird your words are so wise, you will never be idealized again and it is just another set up for “devaluing” sort of like a fishing lure in front of a fish, and as soon as you get close they jerk it out of the water. Or a carrot in front of a donkey! LOL But once you are “on to” the game, you don’t have to grab at the lure any more.
A “carrot” made out of “chit” still tastes like “chit” LOL
ps. Bird, give my baby Birdie a big hug!!!!
lostingrief
bird: not exactly. he GOT her pregnant, then left me.
all great posts here. wini, i deleted the message after a i let a few select friends rage over it with me!
i’m pretty proud of myself. i sure am curious, but i’m enjoying the TOTAL lack of drama in my life again. so, no sense listening to more lies. no matter what he says, i won’t believe him anyway. he’s the most unbelievable liar that could possibly exist in the history of the world! and he’s … OUTTA HERE!
thanks all.
WOOHOO and TOWANDA!!!
Iwonder
Hi LIG: I’m going on 6 mos post-sociopath. I still wonder if he was planning to leave me for her or if he wound up with her because i found out and kicked him out. In any event, I had to have contact with him for 5 mos to get my property back. That was extremely stressful. At first he would say he needs to work on him and get his own place, yadda yadda. I kept thinking maybe there was hope in getting back together. Now that was a sick thought. However, a few weeks after he was gone I had to see things for what they really were. The ex used me for a place to live for free and was using the OW for another place to live for free as a backup…like when my money ran out or when he got caught. I finally told him, “You wanted to be with her, now you are. You win. I lose. Sometimes life is not fair. Now just give me back my car and my home. Stay with her. You still have a chance to make things work out with her.” Once I turned those tables around, he knew there was no manipulating me anymore. In actuality, I won. I did not let him get over on me. I got my car back. Got my house back. Got my sanity and peace back. Now I have had NC for 10 days (I still had some of his crap in the garage to get rid of.) I wish I could have had NC right away.
Now the OW on the otherhand, has been lied to. She will never really know if he was planning to leave me or if she “won” by default. She will never trust he is not cheating on her. She will have to drive his sorry ass around in her car. She will have to take all the verbal, emotional, financial and physical abuse that I did. She will have to constantly check is phone. I say serves him right. Serves her right.
Had i not discovered the truth and exposed his evil plot to him, he may have continued to try to play both of us. He would have skipped out on me like a thief in the night and I would have had no clue where he went or what the hell happened.
LIG, be greatful you know the truth. It’s easier to deal knowing about what he has done because of what he is (a sociopath) then to be left clueless. NC! NC!
Iwonder
LIG: My ex used to say “that’s mine” about my you know what too. He probably said that to the OW too. Gross.
Stargazer
I didn’t date my ex long enough to see him get possessive or controlling. I think I may have broken up with him on the cusp of a discard–not really sure what his game was at the time. But now that I think about it, he did seem to need me to post on RTB when he was at home in order to cure his boredom. He seemed terminally bored. He would always tell me that the site was boring without me. I used to think he missed me and was trying to be sweet. But I think he was seriously trying to fix his boredom problem. Then, after we split, he followed me around at the last reptile expo. At one point he leaned in like he was trying to smell my hair. Ewwww. After all he’d put me through, I can’t believe he was trying to cast some sort of magnetism over me with physical attraction. It was just creepy. The whole scene was just “not normal”.
lostingrief
Iw: they are just so gross. funny how i used to think that was ‘hot.’ LOL. i guess it might have been if he wasn’t also saying it to half the females in new york city!!!
Stargazer
When you’ve been in NC for a while, you really start seeing things more clearly for what they were. All the many phone calls that I thought was from a “man in love” was actually me being stalked. When I remember how sweet and romantic he was, I’m also remembering that he never actually asked me questions about my life, and never told me very much about his past. In fact when I asked him what he did for a living before he joined the army at 28, he was evasive. Hmmmm.
Beautiful NC. Good for so many things……
hens
Iwonder and LIG you two crack me up~~~~!!!!!!! I am sitting here lmao….thanks….lol
jules
hi, has anyone experienced the s paths saying : i shouldnt have to explain this or i dont need to explain myself….. they usually say this after totally confusing us with something they have done or said. my ex spath said this once after promissing to call me then not calling, so when i asked him what happened why he didnt call, he said i shouldnt have to explian my self. talking riddles left me even more perplexed. anyone else found this please share with me.
bird
henry, iwonder and lig mine did the same thing. I remember the first time he said it I had to take a double take. I was like what? But I just figured he was talking dirty. Once I started reading on here that they don’t love you, they see you as a possesion, then it made sense.
jules mine would make me feel guilty for questioning him about thigs. Like “you think I would do that! You really do?” and I’d be like, “you’re right, I’m sorry” when in fact he was doing it all and more.