Although we think of love as an emotion, it is really more like a drive. Emotions come and go, whereas drives, like love, tend to persist. All emotions are associated with distinct facial expressions, whereas love is not. Love (like all of the basic drives I have discussed in this blog) is difficult to control. Furthermore, the most recent scientific research indicates that all drives, including love, are associated with activation of the brain pathway called the mesolimbic dopamine pathway.
Attraction: the first stage of love
Love, like other drives, is associated with wanting to get something. That something we are talking about here is a partner. The first stage of love, then, involves seeking out a partner. Scientists have called this the attraction phase. It is important for each person to understand how the attraction phase works within himself/herself. There are both conscious and unconscious parts to attraction.
The attraction phase involves the senses, primarily sight and smell. There may be chemicals that activate the brain through smell that we are not consciously aware of. Similarly, we may like the way someone looks and not be sure why. Our conscious mind and unconscious mind may be looking for different things in a partner. The unconscious mind plays a big role in our partner selection process.
It is important to realize that we can be taken over and captivated by attraction. Some of the symptoms of attraction or falling in love are “butterflies in the stomach,” clammy hands and racing heart. These symptoms are direct evidence of the physical nature of the love drive.
There is pleasure associated with getting the objects of our drives. In the brain, this pleasure involves many important chemicals like dopamine and the endorphins. Contact with the lover is also pleasurable because it releases oxytocin. This chemical produces reward by calming us down. (It doesn’t matter that it is the lover’s fault that we need calming.) Oxytocin is a powerful, natural anti-anxiety chemical.
The attraction phase usually lasts no more than 18 months. The reason for this is that it is too consuming. People have to be able to function, and when our energies are over focused on a lover, we aren’t as productive in other areas. Furthermore, the attraction phase has only one purpose. That is to get us hooked. When the pleasure chemicals and anxiety relieving chemicals are released in the brain, a compulsion is formed. That compulsion is to be with the lover. So the love that starts out as pleasure in the company of the lover becomes a compulsion. When the compulsion phase sets in, we feel compelled to stay with our lover no matter what. That is when we know “bonding” has taken place.
So the stages of love basically involve attraction, followed by great pleasure, followed by bonding. I would add a fourth stage, caretaking. Normal people feel an urge to take care of others toward whom they feel bonded.
Sociopaths and love
Ability to love, then, involves attraction, pleasure, bonding and caretaking. How is the sociopath’s experience of love different from what I have described? First, I never met a sociopath who did not do exactly what he/she wanted. I have to conclude from this that the attraction phase operates relatively normally in the sociopath. In fact, many sociopaths hang around only as long as the attraction phase lasts. There is evidence that emotional arousal is abnormal in sociopaths. So I would also assume they experience the pleasures of attraction without the “butterflies.”
It is blatantly obvious that sociopaths do not bond in the usual sense. Their love drive is thus stuck in the attraction gear and they can go no further than attraction. But don’t stop there! As the sociopath experienced the pleasures of his/her latest object of attraction, his/her drive for conquest was also activated.
The sociopath simultaneously experiences pleasure in attraction and pleasure in conquest or power. In other words, although the sociopath cannot form a love bond, he/she can acquire a possession which he/she strongly believes belongs to him/her.
If I enjoy something and I work very hard to get that thing, it is mine! I feel entitled to something I enjoy and work for. That thing also should keep giving me pleasure and satisfaction in order to stay wanted. If a possession is no longer pleasant and appealing to me, I throw it in the garbage. Now, if someone breaks in and tries to steal my possessions, I am angry and feel violated. Does any of this sound familiar?
Unlike the caretaking of the true love bond, the caretaking behavior of sociopaths is only self serving. I take care of my stuff because I have to. If I want people to envy me, I make the outside of my house look good and wax my car. Then people driving by see the great looking house with the new car in the driveway and think I really have it made. My stuff gives me status. If I don’t take care of my stuff, my status goes down.
So again we see that although sociopaths have a rudimentary love drive, in the end their drives are all about power and status. Don’t be fooled by the occasional care taking behavior, it is not motivated by empathy or a true love bond.
Yes, jules, it’s called having a hidden agenda … opposite of loving and caring for you.
We are just stepping stones for our EXs so they can steal what they want, when they want, any time they want from us, as well as all the other relationships they have going … all at the same time.
I hope I cleared up any of the RIDDLES he spoke to you.
Peace.
Jules,
Mine would promise to call and then not call. He did this frequently. He would always just apologize and then go on as if it were no big deal. I kept track of all the times he did this, and when I brought it up, he said, “Wow, you remember everything, don’t you?”. When he thought he was going to lose me, he tried really hard to call when he said he would. He would do this for a week or two. And he would always point it out, like a little kid who was proud of his school project: “See? I said I was gonna call and I did!” Or “Haven’t I been good about calling when I said I would?” It was as if the breaking of promises was just a normal, everyday occurrence to him. Because it was normal to him, I almost got habituated to it. I was so angry at him once that I told him I had considered just not being home when he drove the hour up to see me, and then not returning his calls, to give him a taste of his own medicine. He said very calmly, “You should do that, I deserve it” in a very calm and sincere voice, as if these behaviors were completely normal in his world. I was really scratching my head over this one. Why would people treat each other like this?
At the end when he pulled the final no-call/no-show, he said “I have no excuse. I wanted to but I didn’t.” It was truly the most bizarre behavior I’d ever seen. He often would appear genuinely remorseful for the lies and broken promises. But it didn’t stop him from repeating the pattern. It took me 2-1/2 months to figure out it was a character defect and get my butt out of the situation.
Up until then, I believed it to be a symptom of his head injury, together with all the stress he was under from all the medical tests the army was putting him through, and impending divorce. I was after our breakup that I found out there was no head injury and no divorce. He was faking the injury to get out of the army.
When the Mask slips ! They blurt out what they cannot feel or understand or even grasp for any length of time!
If there is NO RELATIONSHIP to begin with only a perception on ( our ) part ! Then you ( us ) are not entitled to an explanation of their behavior or mind set !
As long as you ( we ) keep looking in That Mirrior and the lies ! Your ( our ) perception will remain that there is something Human there ,some hope of a relationship??
Which part of NO can (we ) not understand?? LOVE jere
I think they take the mask off when they are bored with us – when they become bored with mirroring us – they see the dark evil parts of them looking back at them when they mirror us – so they look for fresh humanity that does not bare the mark of their own tortured souls – they are mimic’s – thats all they can do – but they get bored easy and when they know we see what they are they look for someone new to lie to so they can become new themselves – and we are left with us – me – myself – the one they pretented to love – so we still are us – and that is good – cause they are now pretending to be someone new because they do not like who they are (evil) (lost) sad sad sad….
Henry, I agree with you about becoming bored and mimicing us. My boyfriend told me he needs constant stimulation and wanted me to provide that for him… he told me I needed to constantly entertain him and it was my job if I wanted to keep the relationship going. No matter how hard I tried it was never enough or he said no to everything… so basically I was a toy. And I seen him change between the time of the break up and when he started contact again. He became nice all the sudden out of nowhere and was taking me out to eat and telling me he missed me and that we should move away together. I was pulled right back in and as soon as he knew I was in and comfortable and thinking everything was going to be ok he changed. He got nasty and started telling me it was all an illusion in my mind and he blamed me for everything and told me I ruined everything. Wait… the reason for the change was: I questioned his motives and he lashed out at me. To make it worse than he started not caring what I seen him do and was making contact with all these girls in front of my face. He got bored again, he chased me, I came back, bored. New game. He mimiced my personality when we first started dating and telling me how we were soulmates and best friends. He changed his appearance and personality but than the real him started to show after a while. I am watching him now changing who he is to mirror someone else and I am horrified. Your right too; they hate who they are and that is why they hate everyone else.
Speaking of the DEVIL LF Gang – I need to talk – He just showed up here 10 minutes ago – after eight months of NC he drives up and knocks on my door and hand me a bill that for some reason went to his address this time. It was a dental bill for my teeth. Last time this happened he put it in the mailbox and mailed to me and marked out HIS address – this time he didnt mark out his address. I took the bill and asked (Is this all you need?) and he said yep and I closed the door and he left. I am hyper ventilating. Not sure how I feel – I did not make eye contact with him – I have mixed emotions – if I had invied him in he would of came in and talked like nothing had happened. He doesnt know after 8 months I still think of him all the time – was sitting there thinking of him when he drove up. I know I have ruffled some feathers here with my post about missing him – but I didnt ask him in – i didnt ask him anything just is that all you need? and he was off – any input is appreciated…..
OMG Henry, I cant believe it!! I bet you cant either. Whatever, you did in haste, you did right, Henry, you kept yourself safe. Dont fan club HIM Henry, we fan club you. Hugs and loving support. I will email you from work this week.
Dear Henry,
I am so sorry that he showed up at your door, and obviously, he wanted to see you, wanted you to ask him in, or he would have just mailed the bill back to you instead of bringing it.
I remember when I accidently ran into my X BF-P at the auction and how I reacted, cause I was suprised. I was angry! and I’m not sure whether I was more angry and scared that he was there or that I reacted like I did and angry at myself for acting that way.
Henry, I’m not even going to boink you over this one, you acted like I think most of us would have acted, and felt.
You missing him is not something I would wish on you, but I do understand it, dear Henry, I missed the X-BF-P for quite some time, and I missed “having someone”—so I can relate to how you felt/feel. I am glad that you felt comfortable enough to come here and share it with us, Henry. You know that we care ((((hugs)))))).
Well Said Oxy. We all care about you Henry.
Henry, I think, you had the ultimate test of NO CONTACT. Stay strong. We are all behind you.