I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Hi Donna. You write:
“I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying.”
This is a very intriguing sentence, to say the least. Would you expound on this some more in a future blog item?
People who care about us cannot listen to what we are saying?
Why not? Is it that they listen but cannot comprehend the devastation because they have not experienced firsthand damage from a sociopath? Are we destined to share our stories only with those who have “been through the fire” themselves?
And what about professionals? Are they unable to listen either?
I’m very interested in knowing your additional thoughts on this.
I, too, have felt that many people are loathe to believe or to accept the true nature of a sociopath or abuser. I don’ know if it is a personality quirk in itself to deny the reality of the sociopath when they are confronted with it. For example, as you say, some family members and friends responded skeptically to my initial reports of why I was divorcing.
On the other hand, I admit I sometimes feel skeptical when confronted with a person’s “story” about the socopath in his or her life. My ex-husband, after abusing me, blithely turned around and came up with the story of how I was the abusive one in the relationship, I was the deceptive one, etc. It was unbelievable at the time, but a few people believed it. The experience of how readily my ex could lie (bend the truth) about our experiences together made me realize that from the point of view of an outside observer, it would be very hard to know who was being truthful. Is that what you mean?
Dear Alina,
I have experienced the same thing, and many others have posted on this blog, and other blogs, about others “just not getting it” It seems to be almost “universal” and the rarity of finding someone who DOES “get it” if they haven’t been “through the fire themselves” is sometimes disheartening.
Our need for “validation” and their apparent inability to comprehend, or to avoid comprehending maybe, the devestation we have endured makes a kind of a “Catch 22.”
To me, finding ANYONE who does get it is very validating and at that early stage in the pain I was NOT able to “validate” myself. As I have progressed on the healing road, I am now able to “validate myself” more. That is comforting too, when I don’t feel the NEED to have someone else validate my reality. I see that as a BIG step in the growth and healing in me, but it was difficult to get to this place.
As I was learning new skills, like setting boundaries, I was so anxious and afraid to set them because I was afraid I would be “unfair” or “mean” so I would talk to my adult son and ask him for his validation that the boundary Iwanted to set was “reasonable” and “Not mean”—-but now that I am calmer, and “have beter sense” and am not RE-acting, but ACTING in my own self interest, I no longer feel that NEED for validation from my son or anyone else.
I can validate my own opinions, my own boundaries, and my own behavior and I am no longer “scared chitless” that I might “hurt someone’s feelings” by putting my own interests into the equation. MY INTERESTS, MY SELF PRESERVATION IS IMPORTANT. I AM IMPORTANT. I no longer have to “keep the peace” at ANY price, and pay that price myself.
It is OKAY to disengage from people who are trying to take advantage of me. It is OKAY to fight (in court or out) if I have to defend myself. It is OKAY to take care of ME! New concept and now that I have figured out how to do it, and realized it is not only OKAY but NECESSARY to take care of me, it becomes easier and easier. Hang in there. If the only people who will validate you are here at LF, at least you have us and I can guarentee you that WE CAN AND WILL VALIDATE YOUR PAIN. There will come a day on the road to Healing that you will validate yourself and that will be ALL YOU NEED. ((((hugs))))
I like this model–it rings very true for me.
For me, the hardest step is “de-shaming.” I still have to work on that one still, and quite often.
Alina:
The problem, as the book’s author, Karin Huffer, explains it, is the “protective filter” of the listener. She writes:
“If an individual begins to share with another and the data threatens the listener’s feelings of safety, they may try to divert the data or simply not hear it at all.”
Huffer explains further:
“The function of the protective filter is to maintain the equilibrium of the listener. Victims’ stories shake the foundations of what we lean upon to feel safe. When it is impossible for friends or family members to hear, due to their protective psychological filters shielding them from vicarious pain, the victim feels rejected and alone.”
Huffer then explains what listeners need to do in order to be effective debriefers.
Oxy,
I loved what you just said. All of it!
It boils down to this. We count.
Before this, we didn’t count ourselves. That is what it means when we have no boundaries. We don’t count ourselves.
Now I do. It’s shakey at times but I keep practicing.
Thank God for that.
And thank you for your amazing wisdom and all that you give to this community!
XO Elise
Dear Alina,
I read your questions. Before I read Donna’s answer, I was going to say something along the same lines.. so I must have learned something from all of this!
I believe people can’t hear us because hearing us requires a radical shift in their belief systems… the same shift that we have to go through so painfully as we slowly “get it” ourselves. Think of how confronting it was for us…
What happened to us is just not possible in most people’s minds. It’s not possible without the common explanations we use in our adult lives: “It takes two” or “What did YOU contribute to make this happen?”
I got those kinds of tid bits from people trying to help. I also had a friend call me a “stalker” when I was in my obsessing phase. I wanted to stop BM from doing what he was doing even though I still didn’t know for sure what he did to me but it seemed illegal to me because I certainly felt violated! WHEW! (That was a mouth full.)
Your questions are powerful and they are issues we have all struggled with.
Oh Jeebus! We need another thread to deal with the Criminals justice system (it’s certainly not ours).
I was soooo hung out to dry by Crown Counsel. They refused to even talk to me about what was happening. They didn’t talk to me until two days before court, by then N had convinced me to not proceed with the charges. I think they thought they were protecting me, but they didn’t know N had resurfaced.
No wonder N got to me – he knew there was no one else there.
Aloha,
Thank you for that kudo!
That “it takes two to fight” is what is drummed into us as children in first grade. (or earlier for some kids) and that is NOT ALWAYS TRUE, but it is the “politically correct” way that many parents and teachers handle fights among children. I AM glad though that some schools are recognizing the fact that some kids are bullies and are putting a stop to that kind of behavior.
When I was in second grade (and the smallest and youngest kid in my class) I was targeted by a child bully who beat me up on a regular basis. I did not “tell” on her and for some reason actually felt shame that it was happening. Until she broke my jaw by hitting me with a coke bottle, the daily beatings went on. After that they were stopped. The child had probably been bullied herself, she was the youngest of 22 children in the family which lived in abject poverty and so I know she must have had some real issues, but none-the-less she came to school and took them out on me, a smaller and weaker child who did not know how to “fight” (I had no siblings) and I was the perfect victim.
I have often wondered (and still do) about why I was the perfect victim for her, why I felt SHAME at the way she treated me, why I would not “tell” my daddy or my teacher. Because of that experience, though, I taught my kids when they were quite young the difference between “tattling” and “telling.” I taught them that “tattling” was coming continually and “tattling” that “Johnny called me a doo doo” and “telling” was coming and saying “Johnny is hitting or setting the house on fire, etc.” Even at a very young age, my kids grasped the differences in being a “tattle tale trouble maker” and “informing” or “telling” about serious things.
pb: I think the words “criminal justice system” are an OXYMORON.
This article’s timing is amazing. I’ve been sitting here today wanting to contact the S and ask him to come home so we could try again (even though he’s already living with another woman!). I knew he had to get a place to live, but never did I think he would manipulate someone to let him move in let alone another woman! I was hurt, angry and very confused. Then all the lies started coming to light and voila…I researched and found out he’s a sociopath. How did I not see it before? It’s been approximately four weeks and yet I find myself still obsessing. I’ll be glad when I’m into recovery mode. This article helped me get my sanity back. Thanks!
The eight steps are ringing very true to me. I’m going through the grieving and obsessing, I am stuck on the deshaming (I was a fool). But the debriefing? I don’t know anyone I can tell how much money I gave him without being judged, I even judge myself! AAArrrggghhh. I have told all of you, does that count?