I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Matt, I think I was to go to law school. Seriously.
Oops. Meant to say “want” to go to law school. You are inspiring me.
nic: Why can’t he get her over the weekend?
I am going through a similar situation with children and the S to see, visit or at least show up for a 6th birthday party for one that was in September. No show, no call, gifts dropped off almost 4 weeks later. He stood outside and would not come in, which is good now that I think about it. The S and I both wanted to have a child, at least he said so. After leaving me when I was 7 months due he returned and stayed 2 months and walked out and said to others I threw him out again, and I was crazy. I took him back and this went on again and again. We finally divorced when the youngest was a little over 1 year old.
The no show to take visitation is a way to keep you as the victim and keep you dependent on him, and a way for an S to maintain their dominance in the relationship, and the ways of the S are self serving.
The S I know uses our youngins in this way. No visitation in 9 months except when he came over for New Years Eve. to ask me to marry him twice. That too was part of the game of this S. Remarry her and I don’t owe five figures of child support. He was the doting father on New Years Eve. After that no calls to say hello to the youngins, no plans for visitation.
With this being said, it is so unfair to any child. And it is beyond words to cause pain to a youngin in this manner, as part of the S’s game. It is my own belief if the games I have seen, and if they are allowed to continue, it will only get worse, and with my youngins growing up, they will be the new pawns, just as I was. The manipulation is transferred to anyone to control them and the situation. In my situation this is not a loving and nurturing environment to subject a child to. For the sake of a self serving S who will hurt anyone, even his own child. For me, being a very diffucult thing to decide, it is better for my child to have no part whatsoever in this mess with the S. If and when he decides to seek visitaion it will be after being psychologically checked out. I am sorry to be so blunt, but I feel very firm with this and this S.
Is opn:
I would like to know why he can’t see her over the weekend also. He only asks to see her on Wednesdays. This is very frustrating. I know everyone says it is better to have as little contact as possible with him but this is his child also. He should take some responsibility. He has a child with his mistress whom is 9 months younger than our child and then he has a 9 yr.old living in another state.
I don’t even know where he lives. He won’t tell me. I wouldn’t let her spend the night of course because she is only 2 and like I said I don’t know where he lives and who he lives with. But he hasn’t asked for her to spend the night anyway.
It is very unfair for my child. He just doesn’t want to be bothered, I guess. Luckily I have my 16 yr. old to babysit once in awhile or else I would be very crazy.
Matt: I mean, think about it. If you were a casual observer and heard S saying “my wife who was 7 months pregnant threw me out”, what would you think” Me? I’d think “if she’s 7 months pregnant and wants you gone, you must be a real son of a bitch.”
You got it. But the S has a slew of enablers that go along with his tales, maybe to keep the peace or they are in denial, or they may be an S. There is a grown son of the S from a prior marriage that manipulates him and his ideas, they do this vice versa with each other and their respective relationships to get ahead. They both like to win and both had failed relationships around the same time from this stuff. You would think if they were truly as crafty as they thought, it would have turned out in their favor. You cannot put enough space between the evil that is brewing there, and I am far enough away from double destruction.
Re: Changing the locks.
It was the best $110.00 I ever spent!!!
If I did this early on it would have saved many thousands of dollars. I would like to read that article you speak of. I will google it to see if I could find it. The games intensified after the lock changing. But oh so worth the 10 minutes of time with the locksmith. I changed the tumblers it was much cheaper.
I agree with you, Best Move Ever Made.
A friend asked me throughout, ” Why all the suffering?”
He dictated “peace and tranquility.”
OxDrover: KEEP YOURSELF IN A PEACEFUL STRESS FREE ENVIRONMENT.
A few years ago before things got this intense, before everything, I had set boundaries. There were other manipulations from other sources. With a new relationship, everyone felt the need to put themselves into. I set boundaries with some of them then maintain it for holidays. This stuff is unhealthy and can age you and undermine your health.
No longer having the adrenaline rushes. It is very comforting not to have these adrenaline rushes, but as you say it takes time. I too can go into a adrenaline rush, because this is what had become part of the physical being. Relax and breathe as I hear here. I do. I put it out of my mind or I relive it again. It is retraining yourself, mind, body and spirit. And like anything it takes work. I never had to do this even after a prior 20 something year relationship that failed because of growing apart. He was a non S. The S can bring the worst out of you that you never knew existed. But you can be that person again, I realize this, with effort.
The most stressful thing now, is getting the finicky yorkie to walk out in the snow and down the stairs without prodding and watching him, or he will just stand there and defy you. LOL
And he spills his dog crunchies all over the kitchen and when not watching you walk on them and crunch them into the floor, and then have to clean them up. LOL
Thanks Oxy, tranquility and inner peace for all
JaneSmith: I’m riding that same luxury liner on a cruise to tranquility, love and joy!! I think after coming to terms with the realization that the folks we loved were Ps, Ns, Ss and THEN studying, researching their depraved behaviors in the eternal search for TRUTH, in all it’s ugly sordid (yet liberating) reality and finally traveling on a much needed, much sought journey to healing, recovery and restoration, we will increase our own personal power, our own innate glorious beauty, our own innate passion for life and love.
Jane, the keyword you have said, liberating!!! Yes, yes but oh so painful, so twisted to get here. The web was so tangled but having broke free before being devoured completely. I mean this with sincerity and heartfelt compassion, but it can be done. I feel like the caterpillar that broke free and I can walk with all those little funny powerful legs that were once twisted. Sometimes they can carry me faster than I knew. LOL But I am no longer green, my shade has changed with new light. LOL.
I am so hurt tonight. I can’t believe he’d do this to me. I just can’t. I know the truth about him, but it breaks my heart still.
Nic,
As far as him taking responsibility–ferr-get it! He ain’t gonna do that. You should be so lucky as to never have him see her again! SHE should be so lucky!
Why do you even CARE where he lives or with who? He is simply being “secretive” to drive you crazy—QUIT caring about his “secrets”–remember HE IS THE LIE. He IS the LIE! ((((hugs)))))
Sabinne,
Sweetie, I know you hurt! I hear it in your posts. It IS so hard to BELIEVE, to accept that you were nothing but a piece of meat to them, a THING that they used in every way. You were not a person at all. It isn’t even personal, you are just another avenue for them to get what they want. They do not care, because they are UNABLE TO CARE. Just like a snake bites you cause that is what snakes do, they “bite” and they “use” and abuse cause that is just what psychopaths do.
They are the human predators that walk among us, the “undead”—they aren’t “dead” but they have no souls, nothing about them that connects them emotionally to the rest of the human race. Just as the mythical “vampire” is no longer human and yet requires human blood to exist, so do the psychopaths. I think the emotional vampires that the psychopaths are is perfectly analogized by the vampire.
You have a RIGHT to feel the way you do. You are grieving for a love that you thought you had, the “gold mine” that you found and thought you were “rich” only to find out it is FOOL’s GOLD, never was valuable, you just thought it was.
You got fooled, but you are no fool, you are simply a loving human being who has been used and abused. Stay here, and read and read and learn about them, and about yourself. Knowledge is Power. Yes, it hurts to accept, but you will grow from this terrible labor, and give birth to a better, stronger, wiser and even more caring Sabine! (((((HUgs)))))