I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
nic: I don’t even know where he lives. He won’t tell me.
Nic, I have no idea where my S lives or ever did live, all the times he was gone. He will not tell me either. My suspicions are a few, I cannot serve legal papers on him. I let the child support issue go for a couple of years. And then wanted to serve him after finding out how much he made and the job he was doing from someone. I was only able to haul him into court after leaving a few messages in his voicemail. My attorney tried to serve him at work, he changed jobs. He was always ahead of the game. He did show up in court and agreed to pay the support in front of the judge, or risk going to jail. He is very close with his other grown son. I don’t understand. The other thought is the S does not want his new life to meet with his old life, or someone may talk….
I did go online and under the yellow pages and typed in his name and under the white pages also. It gave me no phone number but it showed two relatives by his name to associate with him which verified to me it was indeed the one I was looking for and his 5 last different addresses, not all in order. And then an ad came on for a Search company. For $20.00 I got more information. Just a thought.
I have a good story about where he lives… the P I was seeing just told me a vague area where he lived, always said he wanted me to come over to go swimming in his pool (never happened). I even said once “what is your problem, you don’t want me to know where you live, it would be easy to find out on the internet” and he said “no, you couldn’t find it, it is under my son’s SSN, when you are divorced you learn to hide your assets.” So one day he was here and saw the new Garmin GPS unit I had bought, and he’s goofing around with it… blah blah blah, and then he says “how do you turn this thing off?”. OK, so he leaves, and I turn on the Garmin and of course the address he put in is still in there, so I looked on Google Maps, and there is his house with his car parked out front! What a dumb a**!!! And when I look at the satellite view… I don’t see a pool in his backyard! This guy said he couldn’t afford his mortgage payment and that he was renting the house to a cousin and living with his mother. I drove by twice late at night and his car is parked out in front of his house. Duh.
shabbychic2: I like that story especially coming from someone that did not want to be found out. LOL
MATT & Ox Drover,
Thanks you so much for the reply. You mentioned S-corps- his are not S corps . they are c-corps. Yes, he re-mortgaged the old paid off house and filtered the funds to his business and God knows where else. The new house still has $245,000.00 debt on it. Old one now is $240,000.00.
The new house is not in my name – he was building it behind my back starting in Dec 2002 – he says it was his escape plan.
Originally, it was for a new start because of his affair with the idiot right next door. So he presented it as a gift and apology for all the wrong he had done. That is why I agreed to re-mortgage the old house – to pay off on the new house, put all the debt on one house, rent the old one out and hopefully that was to pay for the re-mortgage. And we would live in the new house mortgage free. Sweet deal, huh?
Weeks later another woman called to reveal his affair with her – at least 2-3 years ongoing. So, yes , I think he planned his escape all along.
And yes, he is dragging his feet. He signed divorce papers in June 2008. didn’t have them logged and served till Aug 2008, has never done his financial Notice to Produce or 187 question Interrogatories. These were due months ago.
He does not have a pension, IRA , stocks or anything.
I liquidated the stocks to give him $23,000.00 to finish the new house in 2007 – don’t know what he did with that money either.
He is self-employed and does not pay into Social Security, he takes a dividend disbursement instead of a paycheck and W-R.
A nightmare!!!! Made a $200,000.00 investment into a business he claims went bankrupt and no witnesses – the guys are either dead or he doesn’t remember who they were.
No paperwork – silent partner.
This scene alone made me cringe to see what he is capable of fabricating.
I looked up to this man for all his faults and seeming accomplishments – but everything is built on debt and lies – and he has started yet another endeavor.
So are you saying I have a shot at the better house and getting more than a 50/50 split?
Would a judge penalize him for being so devious and dishonest?
And remember- living right next door to his re-cycled affair is devastating not only for me but the kids too.
He has taken so much for himself and if he plays it right – he will walk away with two businesses and make them work for him.
I have a paycheck – and whatever I receive in settlement.
I look forward to hearing back from you.
And OX DROVER – thanks again for rallying the troops!!!
You truly know what a broken heart is…. I am so beyond words for the emotional betrayals and this leaves me buried in un-named emotions right now.
Dear Newlife,
IT sounds to me like he has committed some FRAUD with the corporations, WHICH IS A CRIME….and the IRS would lbe VERY interested in him.
I think you should call the IRS immediately and tell them just what you wrote above. They DO HAVE FORENSIC ACCOUNTANTS ON BOARD AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO PAY FOR THEM.
Also, there is a thing called an “innocent spouse” clause in there that will (or should) let you off the hook for HIS CRIMES.
There is a good chance you may end up with nothing anyway, you you might as well put his ass in prison. No matter how smart he thinks he is, I bett’ya the IRS’s accountants are smarter. Right now the gov’t is trying to catch people who are doing fraud to avoid taxes so now might be a good time to call them. I would wait and ask Matt what he thought, but just from what I see, from what you said, it looks like he thinks he is sooooo smart, and I bett’ya he isn’t as smart as he thinks he is….an affair next door??!!! sounds like my “smart” P-son (in prison) and the “smart” X-DIL and the “smart” Trojan Horse Psychopath—all either in prison or on parole.
I would get the IRS to do my investigating for me. If you are gonna lose anyway, you don’t have a thing to lose by calling them. His “escape” plan should be getting a tattoo of the prison plumbing like that TV show. LOL ROTFLMAO Go gett’em!!!
Newlife: I have some “credentials” on this subject. I worked in mortgage financing for 10 years, and helped a lot of people sort through their finances to make reasonable decisions — and sometimes the right decisions was NO refinance, and sometimes the refinance brought everything into balance.
I also was married to a man who sounds like your “don’t-we-wish” ex. He could fabricate more mess out of thin air, while seeming so smart about it all — and after the divorce he stalked me off and on for 20 years.
I have some very serious questions for you, that might help you find the answers you need — and Matt, Oxy, and others, feel free to chime in!
How much are those houses worth? Now that I know how large the mortgages are, how much — now that all real estate everywhere seems to be worth less — are each of them worth? Then, how large are the mortgage payments on each house? This is also important.
Then, are there any other loans out there that have your name on them? Credit cards? And what about your car(s)?
From what I see, his “businesses” are most likely scams, and he’ll be sure to value them up or down, depending on what serves him. Unless there is inventory that he hasn’t moved elsewhere, I don’t know what you could get out of them.
So, you may not want to share that info with us, or it may not matter to you. I’m looking for the information to assess whether there is any real, retrievable value here. And, even if the remaining equity in the houses is fairly small, you may still have something to work with, depending on what the mortgages look like.
I’ll watch for your reply, and my heart goes out to you. There are many things in my life I wish I could do over, but divorcing that con man was one right decision that I never, ever regretted. Stay strong.
Newlife & Oxy: About the IRS — that sword can cut both ways. She might look like an accomplice, depending on what the so-n-so has done. That would be typical of these creatures. If she can get some perspective and then some distance, that is worth checking out.
Rune, thank you for your input. My mother is a CPA and worked in farm loan financing and actually sent her boss and 9 other coworkers to prison for their fraud back in the 1980s. I have a BIT (no expert) of information on some of these scams and how they work. I have also been on the informational end of my late husband’s business where he was scammed by some psychopaths and they were quite good with it, though one of them did go to prison for a later scam (not my husband’s).
The IRS is usually pretty good on the “innocent spouse” part and especially if SHE turns him in. (I also have a friend who works for the IRS)
Yesterday I was talking to a young lady (26) whose soon-to-be-x CLOSED their joint account because the BANK KNOWINGLY LET HIM SIGN HER NAME TO THE CLOSURE and she had checks out that bounced because of this. She did NOT know that she had a recourse in this except to pay the $600 in “bounced check charges” and to repay the people the checks bounced to.
I instructed her how to go about getting the BANK to pay these charges etc. She had NO KNOWLEDGE of even HAVING any recourse.
Her X and she had a paid for home, that THEY built on LAND IN HIS PARENTS’ NAMES and she may be SOL on any part of that house. She is now renting a place for her and their three children and supporting herself. He makes about $1500.00 per week “take home” pay. She is struggling in a low income job (she was a stay at home mom until she found out he was cheating on her). I’m not sure he is a psychopath but he sure wasn’t a “nice guy” to her and she is devestated and floundering trying to keep her head above water.
Fortunately, she is seeking advice on how to cope both emotionally and financially and I don’t mind sharing what little I do know and that is for sure SHE DOES HAVE RECOURSE TO A BANK THAT KNOWINGLY LET HIM “SIGN” HER NAME.
It is a fact that many young people get themselves in a lot of hot water financially simply because of lack of knowledge of how “law” works and how “financial institutions” work as well.
Another one of my sons’ friends (also 26) is getting divorced from a psychopathic woman (there is NO doubt in my mind what she is!) He is a “babe in the woods” compared to this witch and his finances are total shambles because of her and he is behind the financial 8-ball and not enough knowledge of how to deal with lending institutions etc. to get himself back on track.
I thinnk one of the things that MANY VICTIMS need is financial counseling and education as well as emotional education and counseling, and the horrible part is that while you are an EMOTIONAL TRAIN WRECK you are having to deal with the FINANCIAL TRAIN WRECKS that they do to us. I was fortunate not to have to deal with that with my P-XBF because I was savy enough to NOT get financially entertwined with him, but women and men who h ave been married to these Ps for years and years ARE ENTERTWINED with these psychopaths.
In my first marriage I ended up DESTITUTE and living with our two kids in the back of my pickk up truckk with a “camper shell” over the back and parking in state parks so we could shower and have bath facilities. We spent 3 months living that way. So I know what a WELL PLANNED financial attack can do to people. My X FIL who was a P got power of attorney over my mentally ill husband and RIPPED ME A NEW ONE. I didn’t see it coming at all. It was WELL PLANNED and executed.
I was a BASKET case then and if it hadn’t been for my mom’s legal and financial knowledge I would never have been able to survive at all. But I did, and returned to college, with a kid on each hip, finished up my nursing degrees and went to work to support us. Was a long hard road and looking back I can’t imagine how I actually did it, but ONE FOOT AT A TIME…one INCH at a time.
I sure wish there had been a lovefraud then!
Hey Rune,
I so appreciate your time
old house is maybe worth $280 and mortgaged to 240,000
I pay $1740.00 per month
I am currently arranging for appraisals on all properties
New is worth maybe 400,000 and mortgaged to 245,000
He pays interest only credit lines on this one around $1200.00 per month.
He does have a house inventoried into his business down the shore. That is paid and worth maybe $380 but is suspect as even allowed to be in the business name – taxes to be paid etc. and how it has been depreciated and expenses claimed against it.
His construction business has met with some success over the years but naturally with the economy his deliberate UNDEREARNING can look credible.
He has all the following without my signatures:
Construction business – 4 employees
Building with 2 APARTMENTS AND PUTTING A pORTUGUESE bbque downstairs- may open up in April
Liquor license also
New house – his name only
Old house – both names – before we were married
Shore house – in business name
$200,000.00 lost to some silent partner deal
Bought and sold property – b at 80,000 and sold at 122,000
put money into his bbque
Bought other property for $50,000.00
So you can see he has gotten into great debt to play around
$974,000.00 in debt and $744,000.00 in equity – the equity is a guesstimate at this time
Feel free to ask anything – I am so ashamed of how stupid I have been
You would not believe I am a manager of billing in my job of 30 years and have people reporting to me. Customers would never get away with scams on me- I have uncovered a lot of bad deals over the years.
But I really messed up my life – …..and my children
Hi Gang. I finally sorted out my laptop, not brilliantly, but just enough to install dial up to get back on the internet. So I have been off the scene for quite some while. Not great, I will admit, I am still reverberating to the shock waves of the whole scenario. He of course is long gone, but it has opened up a really difficult can of worms for me, which I now realise was in place before he came alone, just that, I thought he would relieve my burdens. Those burdens were already there, that was why I was prepared to accept a guy who was way below what I would normally accept, hence, my wrong decision – and I am still paying the price. But refreshing to see you all still blogging and Oxy still adding your support. Forgive me if I sound somewhat suppressed, but I am not over the pain yet. Every time, I think I have got to the basement, another level presents itself – gosh its hard being older!!